Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hey! So my recent ex of close to a year told me that my emotions are really stressful which I agree. I have PTSD and Borderline personality disorder. They make it hard to regulate. He has tried really hard to help me but it always backfires on him he says. He suffers from stress induced seizures. He wrote me that he wants to take a year off of communication so we can figure ourselves out. He told me that he doesn't want anyone else but me.

I made sure to ask if we would date anyone else during this time and he said he wasn't going to date anyone. He is figuring out a job situation and he can't drive so he lives with his dad and stepmom. His stepmom and dad tried the one year of no communication and just delving into work and improving themselves. I called his stepmom and she said that it was hard but to keep myself busy. She said that she had the same fears that I have about this break but that you just have trust them with their word until they make contact.

The thing is he still looks at my social media stories and has followed my already public art page. He follows Snapchat and my personal adventure instagram.He still has the pictures of us and a drawn portrait of me on his Instagram page but doesn't have "in a relationship " Facebook. Not single, just blank.

Why would he be these doing things if we are supposedly "broken up"? He wants to come back in a year and see where we are in life and pick back up where we left off. He told me that he loves me and will love and cherish time spent with me. He also said he wants what's best and that's to have a year of focusing solely on myself. I have therapy appointments scheduled for every week until I can get into classes that specialize in Borderline personality disorder.

Link to comment
He also said he wants what's best and that's to have a year of focusing solely on myself.
Good for him. Hopefully he will get his own therapy so that he learns that he can't fix you or anyone else and that he should leave that to the professionals. Leave him alone now and YOU start focusing on yourself with the help of your psychiatrist so that you learn to control the negative aspects of your particular personality disorder. In the end, hopefully, the two of you will come out of this better people. You'll not accomplish anything while you are together and tormenting one another emotionally.

 

I wish you well.

Link to comment

Why does he do that? Simple human curiosity. Pretty much on par of why does anyone ever bother following other people on social media - curious, entertained, find something interesting, etc.

 

What you should avoid doing is trying to read deeper meaning into that. Instead of focusing on that, spend this year 100% focused on yourself and how to get a handle on your issues. Whether you end up getting back together or not, one thing you will gain from that is a better quality of life for yourself and eventually better relationships too. Something worth working for if you think about it.

 

Meanwhile, if he is serious about addressing his issues and you are equally serious about addressing yours, then neither one of you should be in a relationship or even thinking about dating. For therapy to work, you both actually need to be single and putting 100% of effort into your own individual selves. In short, makes this year count and do it for yourself and your well being first and foremost. As for the future, let the chips fall where they may. A year from now, you might be thinking that you need another year to keep doing what you are doing or you might decide that you don't want him back. You'll have a different perspective on life then and you can't really predict what it may be.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. Why not wait until you have the advantage of seeing a psychiatrist, therapist and borderline support group before deciding where anyone will be in a year? No one has a crystal ball. All you do know is that he can not be with you.

my recent ex of close to a year told me that my emotions are really stressful which I agree. I have PTSD and Borderline personality disorder. He suffers from stress induced seizures. He wrote me that he wants to take a year off of communication so we can figure ourselves out. I have therapy appointments scheduled for every week until I can get into classes that specialize in Borderline personality disorder.
Link to comment

Thank you for answering my thread! I understand that I need to work on myself and that he needs to do his own healing. We both want to have futures together because we feel like we've know each other forever. We feel like we were meant to be together. Now, we just need time to figure ourselves out and work on our stuff so we can be more stable for us and each other. I'm keeping busy with art and TV series. He continues to like my stuff on Instagram but I just keep busy doing my own thing and waiting for those classes! I'm excited to better myself and start loving myself more and more! 😊

Link to comment

Thank you for responding! I know that it is human curiosity. We broke up a couple days ago but I've posted stuff on Instagram. I posted a painting I did on both pages and he liked both. Then after 15 minutes, I posted something else art related and he liked it right away. He continues to view my stories on snapchat and Instagram. I'm almost thinking of posting nothing for awhile

Link to comment
Thank you for responding! I know that it is human curiosity. We broke up a couple days ago but I've posted stuff on Instagram. I posted a painting I did on both pages and he liked both. Then after 15 minutes, I posted something else art related and he liked it right away. He continues to view my stories on snapchat and Instagram. I'm almost thinking of posting nothing for awhile

 

I think this is a great idea, in this situation and in general.

So I should just avoid social media? We still want to be together just in a bit

Link to comment
So I should just avoid social media? We still want to be together just in a bit

 

You'll do what you believe is best for you.

 

Me? While I enjoy a bit of social media I don't want it to ever take precedence over my actual life, in the present, or be used as a way of trying to understand how someone feels about me or manipulate them into feeling anything. It feels unhealthy.

 

I take breaks from it periodically, sometimes for a reason as simple as noticing that I'm more interested in, I don't know, posting a photo of a pizza than eating the pizza. When I've been in romantic turmoil, I always remove Instagram from my phone and go dark for a bit, because I know myself well enough to know that I would use it inauthentically—posting a photo of a pizza, say, not because it was delicious but because some part of me would want an ex or maybe ex to know I was eating that pizza.

 

Not how I want to live: not in a relationship, not single, not in the sort of emotional purgatory you're in.

 

That you're writing about it here, that you're hyper focused on it all—I'd say that is a good sign that it's something to let go of for a bit, to make room for the real stuff you know is critical right now: digging deep, working on yourself, tending to your emotional equilibrium. I'm not sure there is a human being on the planet, including those who make billions of dollars on social media, who believes it is a positive for mental and emotional well-being. So if that's your focus right now then, yeah, I would avoid something you know is not a good influence on that journey.

Link to comment
You'll do what you believe is best for you.

 

 

Me? While I enjoy a bit of social media I don't want it to ever take precedence over my actual life, in the present, or be used as a way of trying to understand how someone feels about me or manipulate them into feeling anything. It feels unhealthy.

 

I take breaks from it periodically, sometimes for a reason as simple as noticing that I'm more interested in, I don't know, posting a photo of a pizza than eating the pizza. When I've been in romantic turmoil, I always remove Instagram from my phone and go dark for a bit, because I know myself well enough to know that I would use it inauthentically—posting a photo of a pizza, say, not because it was delicious but because some part of me would want an ex or maybe ex to know I was eating that pizza.

 

Not how I want to live: not in a relationship, not single, not in the sort of emotional purgatory you're in.

 

That you're writing about it here, that you're hyper focused on it all—I'd say that is a good sign that it's something to let go of for a bit, to make room for the real stuff you know is critical right now: digging deep, working on yourself, tending to your emotional equilibrium. I'm not sure there is a human being on the planet, including those who make billions of dollars on social media, who believes it is a positive for mental and emotional well-being. So if that's your focus right now then, yeah, I would avoid something you know is not a good influence on that journey.

 

I was just doing me. I post a lot of stuff on Instagram not to get attention or think that he will like my stuff. I'm definitely not manipulating him to feel a certain way. I just post my art that I'm proud of. I live my life s much as I can and I have a medical job that I love. I don't spend all my time on social media. I spend it on sleep, journaling, working, and doing artwork. I'm doing things by myself and I'm going to my favorite band's concert in a few weeks!

Link to comment

It sounds like after breaking up because "your emotions stress him out", that he is ok from a distance and doesn't want to hurt you because he realizes how fragile you are. However be clear that he wanted to end things and distance himself.

 

Liking, following etc is his way of backing out slowly. It's called the slow fade. Post whatever you wish, it's your social media. However prepare yourself by opening up your life to others and trying to make new friends and meet new people.

We broke up a couple days ago but I've posted stuff on Instagram. I posted a painting I did on both pages and he liked both.
Link to comment
It sounds like after breaking up because "your emotions stress him out", that he is ok from a distance and doesn't want to hurt you because he realizes how fragile you are. However be clear that he wanted to end things and distance himself.

 

Liking, following etc is his way of backing out slowly. It's called the slow fade. Post whatever you wish, it's your social media. However prepare yourself by opening up your life to others and trying to make new friends and meet new people.

 

Yeah, he just messaged me saying " Hey, i hope your doing well and that you have a good night and just wanted to let you know i got a job at foster farms sanitation so theres that, i miss you tons and again hope your doing well also i hope you have a great weekend ❤💕❤"

Link to comment
Yeah, he just messaged me saying " Hey, i hope your doing well and that you have a good night and just wanted to let you know i got a job at foster farms sanitation so theres that, i miss you tons and again hope your doing well also i hope you have a great weekend ❤💕❤"
Then nows your chance to ignore and if he says anything like "are you going to ignore me" then you can send him one last message saying "Well, unless you're asking to reconcile, I see no reason to reply" and then just fade again.

Neither of you are focused on getting healthier mentally or emotionally when you're sending and receiving selfish crap like that that keeps you mired in limbo to one another.

Link to comment
Then nows your chance to ignore and if he says anything like "are you going to ignore me" then you can send him one last message saying "Well, unless you're asking to reconcile, I see no reason to reply" and then just fade again.

Neither of you are focused on getting healthier mentally or emotionally when you're sending and receiving selfish crap like that that keeps you mired in limbo to one another.

I've just been ignoring him because i want at least a whole month of no contact. He has been the one liking my stuff and messaged me last night about his update. Why would he even update me when it was his idea to take a break and then come back together? He isn't a manipulator and never made me feel small about anything so maybe he is just hoping that I would be happy for him? I'm not sure on this one

Link to comment
Why would he even update me when it was his idea to take a break and then come back together?

 

I think it's always easiest, if less exciting, to go with the simple explanations to such questions. As in: he updated you because he felt like updating you. Same reason he looks at your stuff on social media, likes some of it. Same reason you're wondering about what all that means, communicating with him indirectly by communicating about him, to us.

 

It's what he feels like doing—no different, really, than why I like my girlfriend's stuff on there or did the dishes a few minutes ago. Just felt like it.

 

Deeper analysis? Well, you are both still choosing to stay in limbo, to not quite do the thing you both seem to think you should be doing. Happens. Habits—they're hard to break. I've got a part of my brain, right this second, that thinks I should go for a hike, be hiking. Alas, I'm sitting at my dining table buzzing around ENA instead: it's a habit of mine. Odds are, knowing me, that I'll leave the chair pretty soon, since I know a hike is in my best interest.

 

One of you, at some point, will start making choices that are more in line with your best interests. The likes will stop, as will the updates. Or you'll delicately let him know you'd like for them to stop. Or, well, you'll stay in this limbo long enough that it stops feeling like limbo and just becomes what you're both doing because it's what you feel like doing.

 

Make sense? These moments are so hard, I know. One day at a time, and remember to keep focused on why you are doing whatever you're doing, even if it's wondering about him, rather than trying to decipher him. Together, apart, in purgatory: you'll never really be able to decipher another person. It's the attempt to do so that leaves us feeling manipulated far more often than whatever someone else is choosing to do.

Link to comment
Then nows your chance to ignore and if he says anything like "are you going to ignore me" then you can send him one last message saying "Well, unless you're asking to reconcile, I see no reason to reply" and then just fade again.

Neither of you are focused on getting healthier mentally or emotionally when you're sending and receiving selfish crap like that that keeps you mired in limbo to one another.

 

I have 2 Facebook accounts and deleted him from them when he called the N.C. He sent me friend requests for both of them yesterday. Why does he keep making contact or social media stuff if he wants No Contact? I'm just gonna keep living my life but unless he asks to get back then I'll ignore. If he does want to get back, I'm going to make him earn every bit of it.

Link to comment

He wants to distance himself from you for self preservation. Social media and messaging allow him to do that. He doesn't have to deal as directly with moods or other issues. He may hope that you get to a doctor for an evaluation and get regular therapy and more support.

 

Perhaps he is waiting or hoping he hears that you are improving or trying to improve your mental health before he reenters beyond messaging or social media contact. Have you updated him about the doctors, therapist and support groups you're going to to help yourself?

So my recent ex of close to a year told me that my emotions are really stressful. He suffers from stress induced seizures.
Link to comment
He wants to distance himself from you for self preservation. Social media and messaging allow him to do that. He doesn't have to deal as directly with moods or other issues. He may hope that you get to a doctor for an evaluation and get regular therapy and more support.

 

Perhaps he is waiting or hoping he hears that you are improving or trying to improve your mental health before he reenters beyond messaging or social media contact. Have you updated him about the doctors, therapist and support groups you're going to to help yourself?

I told him that I scheduled therapy every week while I was on the waitlist for these classes on dialectical behavioral therapy before he made the no contact rule with me. He and I have taken short breaks before but always just needed a little breather. I honestly don't think he will make it the full year he wants

Link to comment

You are with the wrong man. Sadly, you are determined to continue on due to your feelings of abandonment. Hopefully when you start your extensive therapy, you'll be able to drop the feeling of being abandoned and let him be (even if he contacts you) because he needs to be left alone to work through his post traumatic stress issues.

Link to comment
You are with the wrong man. Sadly, you are determined to continue on due to your feelings of abandonment. Hopefully when you start your extensive therapy, you'll be able to drop the feeling of being abandoned and let him be (even if he contacts you) because he needs to be left alone to work through his post traumatic stress issues.

 

I'm the one with PTSD, not him. I've been doing good so far with no communication. He's the one reaching out.

Link to comment
I'm the one with PTSD, not him. I've been doing good so far with no communication. He's the one reaching out.

You are splitting hairs. He has "stressed induced seizures" so, as advised before: ignore his contact and work on your own issues. He wants no contact for a year so don't respond to his "reaching out."

 

Neither of you are in any place mentally to be in a relationship that would be happy or healthy or conducive to your mental recovery. Allowing his contact is detrimental to both of you he is having a hard time stopping himself from reaching out due to his poor state of mind, his codependency, his addiction to trying to save you from yourself and failing at it.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...