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Relationship with stepmother ruining one with dad


Jay98

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Hi all,

 

Just wanted somewhere to talk as I don't know what to think anymore.

 

My dad left an abusive relationship with my mum over a decade ago when I was a child. My mother didn't bother with us, didn't show much affection then cheated on my dad and is now married to that man (my stepdad).

 

Since then, my dad re-married a woman he'd known for just a year and who seems a lot different to him; highly strung, incredibly religious (more on this later) and obsessive - almost OCD about things. I was surprised as he is none of these things.

 

For the most part my stepmum and I are fine but there seems to be an undertone with her when I spend too much time with her and my dad. She can be overly nice (almost sickeningly so) or distant, rude and slips in snide comments now and then which totally throws me off. There is no consistency at all. I live with my husband but refers to her and my dads house as my 'home' which is there whenever I need it but she made me feel really on edge and unwelcome when I lived there...mostly through policing my every move, causing arguments with my dad over petty things (like where cutlery goes and in what order), and made it near impossible to have a life of my own with boyfriends/friends coming over rarely because the atmosphere when they did was so tense you could cut it with a knife.

 

Now that I live away from them this behaviour can appear randomly. It seems whatever mood she's in sets the tone for the whole visit; if she's pissed off or upset about something YOUR life has to be hell too. My dad is always caught up in it.

 

With the religion bit, she'll say god speaks to her and that she's had visions in front of me and my husband (we are aetheists) which makes me a bit uncomfortable. She made my dad get baptised before they married and had a fit when I refused to go because???

The latest incident is her kicking off in a restaurant with the waitress because she wouldn't accept a tip in cash. She went off the rails, saying repeatedly "I don't understand!" then when I try to explain what the waitress is saying, she throws her purse on the floor and my dad later tells me I was being rude?! He will never stick up for me or up to her.

 

I don't know what to do because she helped us buy our home and has a really lovely streak but this inconsistency with her behaviour is driving a wedge between me and my dad. I could bring up other examples but there are too many to count. I go to therapy after living with her ruined my self esteem but I don't really feel like I get answers or advice there so thought to ask here.

 

Thank you x

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So how's this ruining your relationship with you father? Yeah, she sounds annoying in many respects, but you admit "for the most part, you and her are fine." You haven't written anything about your dad trying to force you to sing Kumbaya with her. Nor did you seem to complain when she was chipping in money to help you guys buy a home.

 

You live an hour away. Your dad lives with her. If there indeed are unbearable qualities about her, it's really his problem, not yours. Are you otherwise unhappy with your own life that you're deflecting to artificially inflated issues?

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I think the best thing you can do is just accept the fact that she's the way she is and don't let it interfere with your relationship with your dad. What else can you do? If you make a scene and snap back at her, you're just going to be making the situation worse.

 

If she wants to make an ass of herself in public, that's her problem. If she is rude to you, either ignore it or kill her with kindness. She won't change, and clearly your father isn't going to stand up to her.

 

Don't let her ruin your self-esteem and don't let her manipulate your emotions. You can stand up for yourself without being rude or confrontational.

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I'm not unhappy with my own life, ta very much. Very much the opposite. Though I would like to visit my father at home without an atmosphere, or without her riling us both so much that I have to leave, or her making a sly remark against me for absolutely no reason. That's not my dad's problem, it's personal against me, and since my dad hasn't much of a backbone against her he would rather drive me out than tell her to stop or apologise.

 

My nan and uncle have said the same things and don't go out with them anymore because of this behaviour.

 

EDIT: sorry this is a reply to j.man.

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I think the best thing you can do is just accept the fact that she's the way she is and don't let it interfere with your relationship with your dad. What else can you do? If you make a scene and snap back at her, you're just going to be making the situation worse.

 

If she wants to make an ass of herself in public, that's her problem. If she is rude to you, either ignore it or kill her with kindness. She won't change, and clearly your father isn't going to stand up to her.

 

Don't let her ruin your self-esteem and don't let her manipulate your emotions. You can stand up for yourself without being rude or confrontational.

 

Thank you, that's what I've been trying to do. I guess next time she demeans me and my husband while out for a meal the best I can say is "sorry you feel like that...I'm gonna order some apple pie if you want it?". Honestly at this point there's nothing else I can do and like you said, she won't change.

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Unfortunately she's who your father picked and married and lives with. When you are there you are a guest. Don't bother getting in Holy Wars with her covertly or overtly, you're just creating even more stress for your father.

 

She is not going to change, you need to pick your battles. It's unfair to expect your father to take side and put him in that position. Let things roll off your back more. Keep in mind you don't have to like her but if you insist a on spending time with them at least respect your father's feelings and choices. Give her money back and quit the Holy Wars and the disrespect for your father.

She made my dad get baptised before they married and had a fit when I refused to go because???

The latest incident is her kicking off in a restaurant with the waitress because she wouldn't accept a tip in cash. She went off the rails, saying repeatedly "I don't understand!" then when I try to explain what the waitress is saying, she throws her purse on the floor and my dad later tells me I was being rude?! He will never stick up for me or up to her. I don't know what to do because she helped us buy our home a

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Hi all,

 

Since then, my dad re-married a woman he'd known for just a year and who seems a lot different to him; highly strung, incredibly religious (more on this later) and obsessive - almost OCD about things. I was surprised as he is none of these things.

 

For the most part my stepmum and I are fine but there seems to be an undertone with her when I spend too much time with her and my dad. She can be overly nice (almost sickeningly so) or distant, rude and slips in snide comments now and then which totally throws me off. There is no consistency at all. I live with my husband but refers to her and my dads house as my 'home' which is there whenever I need it but she made me feel really on edge and unwelcome when I lived there...mostly through policing my every move, causing arguments with my dad over petty things (like where cutlery goes and in what order), and made it near impossible to have a life of my own with boyfriends/friends coming over rarely because the atmosphere when they did was so tense you could cut it with a knife.

 

Now that I live away from them this behaviour can appear randomly. It seems whatever mood she's in sets the tone for the whole visit; if she's pissed off or upset about something YOUR life has to be hell too. My dad is always caught up in it.

 

With the religion bit, she'll say god speaks to her and that she's had visions in front of me and my husband (we are aetheists) which makes me a bit uncomfortable. She made my dad get baptised before they married and had a fit when I refused to go because???

The latest incident is her kicking off in a restaurant with the waitress because she wouldn't accept a tip in cash. She went off the rails, saying repeatedly "I don't understand!" then when I try to explain what the waitress is saying, she throws her purse on the floor and my dad later tells me I was being rude?! He will never stick up for me or up to her.

 

I don't know what to do because she helped us buy our home and has a really lovely streak but this inconsistency with her behaviour is driving a wedge between me and my dad. I could bring up other examples but there are too many to count. I go to therapy after living with her ruined my self esteem

 

Thank you x

 

First of all, I have to ask- how old are you?

 

You need to stop blaming your stepmom for yours and your Dad's issues. She is not responsible for either. She is not responsible for YOUR self-esteem. You say for the most part she's nice. If she has moments of anger or frustration, you can't accept that she tries hard but just maybe isn't perfect??? I am a stepparent and I can tell you that it isn't easy. Just because she's not exactly who you might have chosen for your father, doesn't mean that she isn't good for your Dad or trying her best for you- even if imperfectly. And just because she might not have loved you or cared for you in the EXACT way you wanted, doesn't mean she wasn't trying her hardest. If you think it is so easy, try parenting someone else's child for a while and see how it goes. It is NOT for the feint of heart and I commend anyone who does it.

 

Your Dad has free will of his own. Re-read that sentence. She cannot FORCE your Dad to do or behave in any way that he does not want to. It sounds to me like he is the type of man who likes having his wife in charge. She couldn't "make" your Dad get baptized. Even if he CHOSE to do it to please her, it was STILL his choice. You need to understand that. You are acting like she is just a "puppet-master" and your Dad is totally incapable of making his own decisions. Guess what? Even if that WERE true, that would still be HIS fault.

 

No offense intended, but you are being kinda judgmental about her being religious. So what if she mentions stuff in front of you and your husband that you disagree with? This happens ALL the time in families on different subjects. It's not necessarily meant as an insult to you personally. You can just smile and nod and not take offense. If you're Atheists, I honestly don't see why this offends you at all, to be honest.

 

I do agree that her behavior in the restaurant was over the top and uncalled for. She was definitely wrong there. But again, you say that your DAD won't "stick up for you or stand up to her"- that is DAD's fault, not your stepmom's. You mention that she is "driving a wedge" between you and your Dad, but I honestly don't really see how? Your Dad is driving a wedge between you and your disagreements with your Stepmom by NOT doing anything. But he is grown man and could change how he responds if he really wants to.

 

IMVHO, you don't live with them anymore. If I were you, I wouldn't get involved in their marriage. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe they are really in love and you just don't see it? Try and be less harsh about your stepmom. She makes mistakes and isn't perfect, but maybe she really is trying her best? Cut her a little slack. I mean, she helped you and your husband buy your home, so she clearly isn't ALL bad.

 

But if you REALLY want to say something, the person you ought to speak to is your Dad. And if you do, it's HIS behavior that you need to address with him and not your stepmom's. "When you don't stand up for me, it makes me feel XYZ" People can only "control you" to the degree that you allow. I'm sorry if being in their home was difficult for you and you are certainly entitled to however you felt. However, you are (I assume) an adult now. No one is responsible for your happiness and self-esteem but YOU! In my experience, people who continue to live in the past and play the blame game for their own feelings, rarely move forward in a healthy way. I really hope for your sake that you are able to work thru this, learn to forgive imperfection in others, and come to accept that just because people don't love you exactly as you WANT doesn't mean that aren't giving you all the love that they are capable of giving.

 

All the best to you. Truly.

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My husband and I are both in our second marriages, and each have grown daughters. I often do one-on-one things with my daughters, as I believe it's great to focus all my attention on our special time together without my husband or extended family. When I married my husband, his daughter was a teen and it seemed he always wanted to make me a part of outings that included his daughter. I told him that his daughter would probably like some one-on-one time with him now and then, and so he should be doing that.

 

That's what I would suggest for you and your dad. I'd phrase it in a positive way, avoiding the fact you don't want to be around your stepmom. Something like, "Dad. I want to treat you to breakfast, just you and me. I'm feeling I just want some one-on-one time with you now and then."

 

When you do have your get togethers with everyone and the stepmom makes things comfortable, cut the visit short. It's up to you to teach people how to treat you. If they become unpleasant, they will lose the pleasure of your company.

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Thank you all for your replies, I'll be sure to take them all on board!

 

Redswim30, I appreciate what you're saying. No, she is not all bad at all. I do wish I was in the position to buy a house myself but as we were renting for so long I couldn't build up the deposit and both her and my dad knew it was the only chance we had. She and my father gave us the money to help when my nan passed away, from the inheritence, as they are very secure financially.

 

I know I can't change her or her beliefs and don't wish to. But I've been repeatedly given the silent treatment, had remarks said to me while visiting, and what's more upsetting, my dad's been dragged into things that I choose or refuse to subscribe to and he's got the brunt of it. The Baptism thing is one example. Another would be her completley cutting off a friend of hers because he didn't agree with her faith. He didn't say anything nasty or personal about it but she removed him from her life for not liking religion. None of my business no, but she makes a point to tell me when I see her.

 

I don't doubt for a moment step-parenting is difficult and I commend you for it. I came here to see replies like these because I don't agree with everyone throwing in sympathy and if there's something I don't recognise or could change I'll happily take it on board. You're right about my father too in that these decisions are his to make. Since leaving them last time I saw them I've text to say I love them and am thinking of them - perhaps it's up to me to change how I react to her behaviour. No she won't change, and neither will I, and I want things to work for my dad's sake but how do I walk the line between doing that and letting her talk to me any way she wants?

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My husband and I are both in our second marriages, and each have grown daughters. I often do one-on-one things with my daughters, as I believe it's great to focus all my attention on our special time together without my husband or extended family. When I married my husband, his daughter was a teen and it seemed he always wanted to make me a part of outings that included his daughter. I told him that his daughter would probably like some one-on-one time with him now and then, and so he should be doing that.

 

That's what I would suggest for you and your dad. I'd phrase it in a positive way, avoiding the fact you don't want to be around your stepmom. Something like, "Dad. I want to treat you to breakfast, just you and me. I'm feeling I just want some one-on-one time with you now and then."

 

When you do have your get togethers with everyone and the stepmom makes things comfortable, cut the visit short. It's up to you to teach people how to treat you. If they become unpleasant, they will lose the pleasure of your company.

 

Thanks so much for this it's great advice, leaving is exactly what I did at the meal when she started kicking off. I just made my exit and went to stay with my nan who said she did this at every outing - so it's sort of nice to know it's not just me/all in my head.

 

The one on one thing sounds great. I'll suggest that next time I see my dad. I just worry she'll try to stick her fingers in while we're spending time together. My dad went on holiday with his brother last year and she had a breakdown at the airport and, according to my uncle, did not stop calling him.

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he would rather drive me out than tell her to stop or apologise.

 

That's the point you need to be focusing on.

 

These are your Dads choices. You're focusing on all her bad points and that's not the problem here. The problem is your Dad choosing a woman like her, and choosing to stick by her, no matter how she behaves.

 

But that is his choice to make. It's up to you whether you want to be around it or not.

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That's the point you need to be focusing on.

 

These are your Dads choices. You're focusing on all her bad points and that's not the problem here. The problem is your Dad choosing a woman like her, and choosing to stick by her, no matter how she behaves.

 

But that is his choice to make. It's up to you whether you want to be around it or not.

 

Thank you. I agree completely, he won't tell her to calm down he'd just rather tell me I'm being rude when I do it on his behalf.

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Truth be told, Jay...the only thing you can do, is talk to your Dad, tell him how much things are bothering you. But it truly is up to HIM to change anything.

 

If he doesn't want to, or is too weak or whatever the reason/excuse is, then the only choice you have left is to either see him alone or endure it if you want him in your life

 

He made a very questionable choice with this woman, but it's out of your hands. If your dad won't stick up for you or won't talk to her, then there's nothing else that can be done.

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Truth be told, Jay...the only thing you can do, is talk to your Dad, tell him how much things are bothering you. But it truly is up to HIM to change anything.

 

If he doesn't want to, or is too weak or whatever the reason/excuse is, then the only choice you have left is to either see him alone or endure it if you want him in your life

 

He made a very questionable choice with this woman, but it's out of your hands. If your dad won't stick up for you or won't talk to her, then there's nothing else that can be done.

 

Thank you. I've asked to have a chat with him face to face. The ball is in his court if he wants to respond but until then I need to set some boundaries and stick up for myself and my husband regardless - without my dad.

 

They're planning to visit us at the end of the month, I'll put all this good advice to use and be a bit more confident in myself. How she talks to me should be a reflection on her not me and in all honesty, like you pointed out, it's not her that bothers me per se. It's wether or not this will affect the time I get to spend with my dad.

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Thank you all for your replies, I'll be sure to take them all on board!

 

Redswim30, I appreciate what you're saying. No, she is not all bad at all. I do wish I was in the position to buy a house myself but as we were renting for so long I couldn't build up the deposit and both her and my dad knew it was the only chance we had. She and my father gave us the money to help when my nan passed away, from the inheritence, as they are very secure financially.

 

I know I can't change her or her beliefs and don't wish to. But I've been repeatedly given the silent treatment, had remarks said to me while visiting, and what's more upsetting, my dad's been dragged into things that I choose or refuse to subscribe to and he's got the brunt of it. The Baptism thing is one example. Another would be her completley cutting off a friend of hers because he didn't agree with her faith. He didn't say anything nasty or personal about it but she removed him from her life for not liking religion. None of my business no, but she makes a point to tell me when I see her.

 

I don't doubt for a moment step-parenting is difficult and I commend you for it. I came here to see replies like these because I don't agree with everyone throwing in sympathy and if there's something I don't recognise or could change I'll happily take it on board. You're right about my father too in that these decisions are his to make. Since leaving them last time I saw them I've text to say I love them and am thinking of them - perhaps it's up to me to change how I react to her behaviour. No she won't change, and neither will I, and I want things to work for my dad's sake but how do I walk the line between doing that and letting her talk to me any way she wants?

 

I commend you for being so open-minded, Jay! I really do. I hope you know everything I said was meant as a different perspective for you, as I believe giving others the benefit of the doubt is usually helpful to our own growth.

 

I don't doubt that your stepmom is imperfect and you have moments of frustration with her. But in all honesty, people can have that kind of thing with their bio parents, too. My mother and I OFTEN disagreed, also about religion and judgment of others. What I did was try to see the good in it and praise those parts (Giving to charity) without getting in to the "debate" of anything and just avoid when possible. Or when stuff comes up (even if you WILDLY disagree and I DO understand cause I have BEEN there)- just smile and nod and let the subject pass, since you know you will not change each other's minds. Then talk to your husband about it on the car ride home.

 

You are absolutely right, Jay. We cannot control others, but we can control our reactions. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn, honestly. I had a difficult upbringing and often disagreed with my parents. We can react in several ways- It's not about changing people (which rarely works anyway)- it's about keeping the peace because the LOVE is more important that the disagreements. I lost my mom a few years ago- and though we disagreed a LOT- I'd still give anything for ONE more day with her.

 

The ways we can react:

 

1. Just absorb the good, praise the good and try to let the rest roll off your back.

 

2. Address it, but in a LOVING and non-judgmental way. If you want to speak to her about it- make sure you do so in a kind way. I used to say " Mom, I love you so much and I really appreciate all that you do for me. But sometimes when you say this, it makes me feel bad, even though I know it's not your intention". And with your Dad, as I mentioned before, " Dad, when you do this, it makes me feel..." Never as a criticism or judgment, always placing emphasis on your feelings and never placing blame.

 

3. Take breaks. I've had to do so from time to time. Your health and well-being is important. Just make sure they know it's not intended as a "punishment" to them. Put it on yourself " I need to have some alone time right now".

 

4. This may sound odd- but laughter. We all die someday. Most things in life just aren't as big as we make them in the moment. Now, I laugh at some of the arguments me and my mom had and what a waste of time they were. I wish now that I had tried to focus on the love even MORE than I did.

 

I understand the frustration of Dad not stepping up, but it's his choice to make and you can't control when or how he does it- if ever. And just try to remember in those moments in frustration with your stepmom, he is helping to create whatever tension is going on, too. One thing I can tell you about being a stepparent that is not so pretty. It is ALWAYS easier for the bio kids to blame YOU rather than their parent for unpleasant things. I think it's something that is totally subconsciously done, but it is something my own stepchildren have learned that sometimes their perspectives can be skewed. Just something to be aware of, I don't think most kids even realize they do it to a degree. And maybe she really IS trying her best. Maybe she has an un-diagnosed illness (Bi polar)? You never know.

 

Anyway, hope this has been helpful. Focus on the love. When push comes to shove, that's what you'll be left with.

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Final thought- Others have suggested some one on one time with your Dad. I think this is a good thing to do occasionally.

 

However, I want to caution you from own experience as a stepmom. It can be VERY hurtful if you feel like the kids are trying to avoid you. That happened with me towards the beginning of my relationship with my husband. And while I DID understand and tried to be as open-minded about it as possible, it did still sometimes hurt my feelings. Because I felt like " I am being REALLY nice to them and giving all that I have and they still don't want to see me?" I never made my husband feel guilty about it, but anytime I felt that it was happening "regularly"- I'd ask him " Do they hate me or something that they never want to see me?"

 

My husband still has one on ones with them and it doesn't bother me. But that's also because the majority of our gatherings are still together. It's totally fine to do stuff independently. Just make sure the approach isn't to "give her a taste of her own medicine" or "make a point"- because, maybe she really is trying her best. Even in her imperfection, she is still a person with feelings. And if ALL of what you do with Dad is alone, it really WILL create a problem, if you aren't careful.

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I commend you for being so open-minded, Jay! I really do. I hope you know everything I said was meant as a different perspective for you, as I believe giving others the benefit of the doubt is usually helpful to our own growth.

 

I don't doubt that your stepmom is imperfect and you have moments of frustration with her. But in all honesty, people can have that kind of thing with their bio parents, too. My mother and I OFTEN disagreed, also about religion and judgment of others. What I did was try to see the good in it and praise those parts (Giving to charity) without getting in to the "debate" of anything and just avoid when possible. Or when stuff comes up (even if you WILDLY disagree and I DO understand cause I have BEEN there)- just smile and nod and let the subject pass, since you know you will not change each other's minds. Then talk to your husband about it on the car ride home.

 

You are absolutely right, Jay. We cannot control others, but we can control our reactions. It's been a hard lesson for me to learn, honestly. I had a difficult upbringing and often disagreed with my parents. We can react in several ways- It's not about changing people (which rarely works anyway)- it's about keeping the peace because the LOVE is more important that the disagreements. I lost my mom a few years ago- and though we disagreed a LOT- I'd still give anything for ONE more day with her.

 

The ways we can react:

 

1. Just absorb the good, praise the good and try to let the rest roll off your back.

 

2. Address it, but in a LOVING and non-judgmental way. If you want to speak to her about it- make sure you do so in a kind way. I used to say " Mom, I love you so much and I really appreciate all that you do for me. But sometimes when you say this, it makes me feel bad, even though I know it's not your intention". And with your Dad, as I mentioned before, " Dad, when you do this, it makes me feel..." Never as a criticism or judgment, always placing emphasis on your feelings and never placing blame.

 

3. Take breaks. I've had to do so from time to time. Your health and well-being is important. Just make sure they know it's not intended as a "punishment" to them. Put it on yourself " I need to have some alone time right now".

 

4. This may sound odd- but laughter. We all die someday. Most things in life just aren't as big as we make them in the moment. Now, I laugh at some of the arguments me and my mom had and what a waste of time they were. I wish now that I had tried to focus on the love even MORE than I did.

 

I understand the frustration of Dad not stepping up, but it's his choice to make and you can't control when or how he does it- if ever. And just try to remember in those moments in frustration with your stepmom, he is helping to create whatever tension is going on, too. One thing I can tell you about being a stepparent that is not so pretty. It is ALWAYS easier for the bio kids to blame YOU rather than their parent for unpleasant things. I think it's something that is totally subconsciously done, but it is something my own stepchildren have learned that sometimes their perspectives can be skewed. Just something to be aware of, I don't think most kids even realize they do it to a degree. And maybe she really IS trying her best. Maybe she has an un-diagnosed illness (Bi polar)? You never know.

 

Anyway, hope this has been helpful. Focus on the love. When push comes to shove, that's what you'll be left with.

 

First of all I'm so sorry to hear you lost your mum :( I don't see my bio mum much anymore but I'd feel the same if I lost her. Sending hugs.

 

I'm more than happy to hear constructive criticism. At therapy, I'm mostly listened to and told "ah that's sad" with little input so it helps me see things from another perspective and I really respect every opinion I get here - especially as you're all answering a person you've never met with advice.

 

I don't debate with my stepmum but we have very strong views on things. Politics, religion...those are two of the big ones. We're polar opposites. I think as my bio mum is a scientist and I grew up with a strong interest in biology I found it really hard & had to grit my teeth when my stepmum made claims that supernatural things happened to her. The point where it got a bit unbareable was when I lived with her and felt like I had to hide my Richard Dawkins and Brian Cox books! Yet she has religious quotes on the walls etc. She sees it as a rebuttal and not just me having my own mind and being as entitled to that as she is to her faith.

 

I love my dad to bits and honestly would be broken if anything happened to him and I think that's why I get to angry with all this because it affects him as much as it does me. I can take crap and throw it back just as hard but my dad's a bit...I dunno, hate to use the word 'doormat' but he just lets things happen. It happened with my bio mother and he got chewed up and spat out. I don't want to see another woman hurt him or control him, so perhaps that's me being a bit sensitive. I realise he's a grown man and can make up his own mind about how to deal with things just...augh part of me wishes he'd toughen up a bit.

 

My stepmum has been diagnosed as bipolar so this may explain the massive fluctuations between hot and cold. She even told my dad she wanted to die a few times but is totally fine the next day and I know that affects him. He's been through enough with one woman I wish she'd get help to sort through this than dump it on my dad.

 

Anyway, like others have said that's not my problem. Taking a step back is hard though.

 

EDIT: Just saw your reply on alone time and I see where you're coming from! Me and my dad rarely if ever have time together especially since I moved. I don't think it'll happen often to be honest. :(

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First of all I'm so sorry to hear you lost your mum :( I don't see my bio mum much anymore but I'd feel the same if I lost her. Sending hugs.

She sees it as a rebuttal and not just me having my own mind and being as entitled to that as she is to her faith.

 

...I dunno, hate to use the word 'doormat' but he just lets things happen. It happened with my bio mother and he got chewed up and spat out. I don't want to see another woman hurt him or control him, so perhaps that's me being a bit sensitive. I realise he's a grown man and can make up his own mind about how to deal with things just...augh part of me wishes he'd toughen up a bit.

 

My stepmum has been diagnosed as bipolar so this may explain the massive fluctuations between hot and cold.

Taking a step back is hard though.

 

EDIT: Just saw your reply on alone time and I see where you're coming from! Me and my dad rarely if ever have time together especially since I moved. I don't think it'll happen often to be honest. :(

 

Thanks for your condolences, I appreciate that.

 

We are actually VERY similar, Jay! Yes, I totally understand. My mom and I "got into it" about religion a lot. I truly understand how difficult that can be. The good news is you don't have to live with her anymore.

 

Your Dad definitely does seem to have issues with his own self-esteem. I understand the urge to want to "help" or "open his eyes" as someone who loves him dearly. However, it's kind of like someone who is an alcoholic. It's painful to watch, but they will only change when THEY want to. You cannot do it for them, as much as you want to. I know it's hard, but it really is up to him to change.

 

Oh, perspective. You are going to think I'm pulling your leg here, but it's the honest truth. My father is bi-polar (along with a couple other things that don't need mentioning here). Your stepmom makes SO much more sense to me now. A lot of people with mental illness (my father included) cling to religion as a way to cope with something that is out of their control. Mental illness is JUST that, an illness. She cannot control it. Example- the restaurant incident. She probably knows what she did was wrong, but could not control what came out in the moment. My father has described it as dominos falling - You know you shouldn't let them fall, but it's already been set in motion and you can't stop it. She likely regrets it, even if she doesn't express that to you.

 

I've been thru SO much with my father. My siblings always just wanted to brush him off as a jerk, due to some of his behavior. And I fully understand that sometimes that behavior is outlandish, rude, and not easily understood. I was the only one who took the time to understand his illness.

It is all too easy to brush aside mental illness and just wonder " Why can't they just control themselves?" That's the point- they can't. They may want to desperately, but just can't. Like telling someone with depression to just "smile more" or someone with anxiety to just "calm down"- if it was THAT easy, it wouldn't be an illness. We can be so harsh with mental illness in a way we aren't with physical. After all, would we tell someone with cancer to just "not let their hair fall out".

 

You'll really need to exercise as much patience with your stepmom as you can. I can tell you from personal experience that she is fighting a difficult fight. And how it sounds to me, trying as hard as she can to try and be a good person (even if she sometimes fails). I really hope for her sake she gets some professional help. Even if she doesn't now, don't give up hope, it took my father YEARS to admit he had an illness.

 

The best thing you can do is to give them both as much love and support as you possibly can and let them know you are there for them.

 

All the Love! Message me ANYTIME!

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From what you've written the stepmom sounds like a pretty decent person who does come with same jagged edges and issues. However, your dad seems like the perfect laid back mate. They are sort of the ying and the yang to each other. Them helping you financially is rather impressive generosity on her part. She could have easily blocked that and would have been well within rights to do so.

 

So, I think you need to take a step back and chill out. Yes, this woman is OCD, but maybe try to understand that her issues with that are not personal to you. She will be like that with absolutely everyone ever. It's one of her downsides, but one you can easily step away from or step around. If exact placement of cutlery makes her break out into hives, then just leave her to handle cutlery. If you can wrap your mind around the fact that her behavior is not really personal to you, you'll find that you don't feel so much tension around her.

 

Ditto for any episodes in public. She pitches a fit, yes, your perfect response is "sorry you feel that way....shall we have some pie?" Let it go and leave her to calm down. Pick your battles and again, this is her personal battle not yours. When you are choosing to step in and then take her frazzled reaction personally, you are in effect causing a fight. Unfair to then want your dad to step into that and protect you or choose sides. Not his battle to begin with.

 

As for having different views regarding religion, politics, etc. - welcome to every family ever. Again, you can choose to fight or you can choose to smile, nod, and change the topic to something more pleasant and neutral. Up to you. Consider also respecting other people's choices. You might be an atheist and that's fine. Your refusal to go to your dad's baptism...was rude and she was right to be upset about it. Nobody asked you to get baptized or change your beliefs, only to attend a ceremony that your dad thought was important to him and his future wife. In other words support him. Would it really have harmed you to show up? Whether you realize it or not, you are picking conflict and might want to give that some thought.

 

Work on the concept of live and let live, tolerance and also respect. It will save you a lot of grief.

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When you are choosing to step in and then take her frazzled reaction

 

It is true, you don't have to react to her. I know, easier said than done. But you can choose to not react to her and not take her personally.

 

She sounds like she has her own set of issues she's struggling with and you can do your best to not let her issues affect you so badly.

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I agree with others regarding 1:1 time with your dad and brief home visits. Bow out and make your exit before there's a chance of a brewing fight and escalation.

 

Nothing in life is truly 'free.' The fact that she helped you buy your home will always make you feel indebted and obliged. Your stepmother holds the power in the relationship. This is why there's the age old adage of never mixing business with family and friends. It never mixes. This is why it's easier to do business with strangers because there are no strings attached, it's strictly just a straightforward business transaction and you never have to cross paths with them again. With family or friends, it's different when it comes to money. If you are indebted, you'll feel beholden as long as you haven't repaid her monetarily and if she saved you interest, then the power in the relationship is still not in your favor nor equal.

 

My father taught me: "Owe nobody nothing."

 

I never put stock into people's 'lovely streak' if I have to endure their intolerable dark side. That type of package is a real deal breaker. Jekkyl 'n Hyde behavior is too high maintenance IMHO.

 

Be strong and tough. Enforce healthy boundaries. You need a 'true grit' mindset and then your self esteem and self confidence will soar.

 

Regarding your stepmother's outbursts, I've found that people tend to exercise more self control if you're out in public together such as a restaurant or anytime you're surrounded by strangers. I've noticed this with some of my relatives and in-laws. Those 1:1 private conversations whether in person, on the phone or electronic correspondence (texts / emails /messages) are awfully risky! People tend to behave better whenever there are a lot of witnesses abound or so I've noticed. People tend to be more self-conscious and practice self control whenever you're not in the comfort and privacy of a home. This means you will feel safer.

 

I've noticed whenever I'm next to my husband and sons especially in public, there is no 'funny business' hurled at my direction from anybody. No one wants to feel embarrassed in front of a public audience so everyone tends to be on their best behavior. You ought to try a different tack for your own protection.

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Honestly? I'd be more upset that my Dad did not care or didn't bother to tell his wife to smarten up if I were you.

 

I think you're upset at the wrong person.

 

Nah, adults are beyond the point of trying to manipulate one person into controlling another. You get to pick how much time you're willing to spend with this woman, and you get to decide how to deal with her when you do see her.

 

It helps to stop viewing your Dad and stepmom's home as your own. That lets go of the 'child' lens that emotionally seeks protection from a parent. That's not useful for adults who have grown to an equal adult level with their parents.

 

I'd invite Dad to spend one-on-one time with you as often as possible. There will be times when he turns you down, but as long as you respect that and keep offering those options, you'll likely get to enjoy his company sometimes with her--sometimes without her. I'd play 'stupid and cheerful' whenever she acts out. That means her words can't penetrate because you fein a misunderstanding of them. You either overlook them, changing the subject, or you remark how kind she is, or what a great sense of humor she has as you roll past the point of her comments.

 

Don't internalize someone who behaves obnoxiously--it's a reflection on them, not you. Make private jokes about her with your husband later, but don't take any bait at the moment, and you'll earn pride in your own self control.

 

Head high, and enjoy Dad whenever you can. Let stepmom enjoy her own dramas without feeding the beast.

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