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Justified cheating - where is the line?


4dvz

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I have never cheated. I have believed all my life that cheating is absolutely wrong, and the better solution is always to leave the relationship instead of being unfaithful, in case everything goes wrong regarding sex itself.

 

I have been in many long term relationships, all of them mostly between 3-4 years. Each relationship has followed the same pattern; My woman stops wanting sex as much as in the beginning and completely stops taking care of my needs, leading to huge issues because my desire for sex stays the same, and I can`t absolutely see any reason for the decline of sex. There is no balance between our needs, and I`m just waiting and waiting and waiting to have sex every day due to being in a complete lack of it. It`s not a life worth living really when you think about it, but in the other hand it`s really hard to leave someone you love over this, and you never see this coming before it actually happens which makes it fcked up.

I experience love as a governing force in my life. If I love someone, I`m willing to go till the end instead of walking away, even if it would eat me alive. This has led to some very ugly relationships, because I have been unable to walk away after finding out that my partner no longer has the same spark for me as she used to. It`s unbeliavably sad how it always goes the same way, no matter how good a man you try to be. I recognized this issue so early in my life, that I have been consciously trying to learn from my mistakes for over an decade and make sure I always create and keep up the best possible environment for my woman`s sexual drive to stay high. Sometimes I hear someone claiming that their +4 year relationship still has the same spark and sex as it was in the beginning, but I have strongly started to doubt the truth behind those claims due to my own experience, or then the person with the claim might be happy in having sex just once in a week in the long run, without anything kinky. I have failed each and every time no matter how hard i`ve tried, and right now as I`m writing this post I`m again in a middle of a relationship where my beloved partner only wants to be close to me, never really to have sex. It`s just always the cute stuff, not anything that`s even remotely sexual.

 

I know that she really loves me, but the desire for sex with me or even the willingness to fulfill my desires is just not there anymore. When I try to talk about this issue, no matter how humble and polite I try to be, she just feels pressured and things won`t change, and trust me I have tried to choose my words just the right way.

 

I would never want to cheat her because I have been cheated on during my early life, and it felt horrible. I would not put her into the same pain I endured.

 

I`m just starting to question myself and my believes. If I stay with her like this and yes I`m gonna stay with her I love her way too much to go anywhere, I will feel always neglected, disrespected and not wanted. It will consume me inside, and it has already started to do so because I have chosen being with her like this, instead of considering my own needs.

 

I have offered her complete financial freedom if she starts taking care of my needs, I have told her that she can even stop doing the chores at home besides that, quit her job, whatever she wants, if she only would not let me suffer like this.

 

I have even told her once that she has no right to demand loyalty from me if she neglects my needs this way, but also adding up afterwards that it`s not a threat from me just to make her know how serious I consider her rejection to be. All those rejections within the past years, oh man.. I can`t even count them. She has even admitted that she is not interested in sex, and gives me the typical "its not you its me" bs.

 

Please don`t suggest me leaving her, because that`s not an option for me. She`s amazing woman every other way than this, and we always have great time together when we are not talking about this issue.

 

Do you think I would be morally justified to cheat her, in order to first of all be happy with my life and secondly to stop bothering her with something she claims she doesn`t need (sex)?

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No not justified in the least. If you want to have sex with someone else and you promised her not to, then first you end things and then you can go have sex. Never a moral justification to break a promise especially when it just has to do with satisfying your sexual needs. Playing the martyr isn't about you loving her- it's about you not loving yourself enough, it's about you lying to yourself, and bartering sex for money or services is gross and does not reflect you showing love to her. It's simply groveling and I cannot imagine a healthy person would want to have sex with someone who is groveling and "suffering" in that way.

 

It's your choice to suffer. You feel what you feel, you choose the reaction. Certainly if my spouse said "I see that you're knee deep in cleaning up - how about if I take care of the laundry for you today and then we'll have some time to be together?" that's very thoughtful - but only if -and it's a big if - he knows that the only thing holding me back from being with him that particular night is because I'm overwhelmed with work/prepping for next day. Not as some wheedling/manipulative "please have sex with me even though you don't want to and then I'll do the laundry".

 

You don't love her way too much to go anywhere. You're trying to rationalize cheating on her, putting her health at risk, breaking your promise, betraying her, because she's not having sex with you. Doesn't work that way.

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No , it is not morally justified. Sex lives do not remain the same over time. No one owes sex because someone is good to them.

 

I think it's fine to end a relationship over sexual incompatibility and then find someone who is sexually compatible. No one owes sex and for most people part of a romantic relationship is having sex/being sexual otherwise it's a platonic arrangement. So people who want to stay together without sex - more power to them -whatever works -as long as that is what they both want. He doesn't want that. So his option is to act on his feelings of wanting more sex by either accepting that she is not the person who will want sex with him as often as he does -accepting meaning not whining or nagging or playing the martyr -calm acceptance - or leaving the relationship. I work on accepting my husband's flaws (I'm sure he does the same) -sometimes I do feel resentful. It's not at all near the point where I feel like a martyr or want to betray our marriage vows. I sometimes have to self-talk to get back to feeling ok with it.

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Why not go to escorts and pay for it if you won't leave her? You seem to be the common denominator in women losing their interest in sex with you. So even if you leave her or cheat the next woman will lose interest in "taking care of your needs" also.

 

Have you consulted a doctor regarding what you referred to as a "sex addiction"? :https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552545&p=7025312&viewfull=1#post7025312

My woman stops wanting sex as much as in the beginning and completely stops taking care of my needs, leading to huge issues because my desire for sex stays the same. I`m just waiting and waiting and waiting to have sex every day due to being in a complete lack of it.

 

I have even told her once that she has no right to demand loyalty from me if she neglects my needs this way.

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No you are not justified to cheat. Ever.

 

And yes, your only healthy and morally and personally correct option is to end this instead of playing martyr while trying to justify cheating somehow. How low do you really want to stoop in life just because....why? Afraid to be alone? You won't be.

 

As for your pattern, honestly look in the mirror because the common denominator is you. Women don't just lose their sex drive same as you don't. Either you are choosing specifically women who are sexually incompatible with you from the get go or something is happening in your relationships that turns them off completely. Time to look at causes rather than whine about wanting to go find some ho on the side.

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My thread was about finding out if cheating can be justified, some part of me does believe that it is in my situation but it`s like my brain is divided in two regarding this issue.

 

Ok so far 5 answers, from which 4 believes that it`s not justified and the 5th suggest me to use escorts which is definitely cheating so 20% yes 80% no. Let`s see if the rate changes..

 

I`m not a sex addict, I just consider sex to be one of the greatest joys in life. If I`m a sex addict, then everyone who enjoys something so much that they want to do it often is an addict. Sex is healthy, it`s not a drug or a slot machine.

 

To you who said that nobody owes sex to his/hers partner; You are wrong. It`s only human to have sexual needs, and it`s completely natural for a human being to get depressed without it. Don`t you owe your partner to atleast try to make him/her happy? If you make a choice of being with someone who you know to have history like I do, you have chosen to take care of those needs. And yes, I made her consider this before moving in with me, and I made her consider it really not just some "by the way". I told her all about my history with women, and that I can`t be with a person who is not that much into sex in the long run as myself, even though at the time she wanted sex enough for me. She told me that I would not need to worry, she made a promise. If she would had at that point said that she will start to lose her interest in sex just like the women I told her about, I would not had moved in with her.

 

And yes, I blame myself. I have tried to look into a mirror and see my mistakes, I have really tried. The situation im at makes me hate myself, because I keep failing everytime.

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No, you there is never a reason to cheat.

 

What you can do is be an honest man and stop being so fearful of her. Tell her your needs, be as logical as it as you can be. If she has a fit and can't handle the conversation, than that shows a massive level of immaturity that you can't fix and will end in misery.

But tell her you would like sex and how often and see if she and you can work on it being like that. If she absolutely refuses and won't even try, then suggest an open relationship to her if you're unwilling to leave her.

 

Though you not willing to leave her would suggest that you have a very unhealthy attachment issues going on. It's not healthy to continue staying with someone who makes you feel neglected, disrespected and unwanted (your words).

I hope on some level you do realize that if she is making you feel these things and is unwilling to compromise with you or hear your needs and still does not care to fix things, that she does not love you at all.

 

I think many people would leave her. Not so much due to the lack of sex (though that is a huge part), but more so that she doesn't care about your needs. She isn't interested in being intimate with you like that and that there is no closeness between you both in that regard. It does become like a roommate situation where things can only get more and more miserable.

 

I don't know your situation but what is the age difference and are you paying her way? Does she work?

It seems odd that all of a sudden sex is no longer appealing to her.

 

As for you making the statement about sex waning after 4 years...honestly, I feel for you. I'm not sure what kind of women you've chosen or how it's gone wrong, but two people who are truly in love and attracted to one another, can have a very happy sex life for 20+ years.

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No, you would not be justified in cheating on. No matter how carefully you tried to build your case here, it’s a bad idea and unlikely to offer you the happiness and fulfillment you think it would.

 

Ask her if you can open the relationship if you’re that bent on staying with her despite this glaring sexual incompatibility.

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Well....you told her all that, but look at your actions. They don't match. You talk the talk but don't walk the walk. She refuses sex, you refuse to end what is really an unhealthy relationship.

 

Without sex, you have nothing more than a platonic pal and you are tormenting yourself trying to make it into a relationship instead of ending things. Stop the madness. Be honest with her that this isn't working and she needs to start looking for her own place. If you get along that great as friends....so stay friends. Just drop the charade of being the bf/gf and separate so she can go on and find a guy for her who isn't interested in sex and you can go find a woman who is.

 

As for looking in the mirror, consider talking to a third party. Can be very hard to see where you are going wrong, but much easier when someone else can give you some feedback. You really cannot walk away from the fact that you are the common denominator in the patter you have. Got to find a way to break that and if that means getting outside help, so be it. Like I said, women don't just lose their desire for sex with their partner. Heck, as they get older, their sex drive increases.

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Do you think I would be morally justified to cheat her, in order to first of all be happy with my life and secondly to stop bothering her with something she claims she doesn`t need (sex)?

 

I'll start here and move backwards. Simple answer: no. For emphasis: NO. That's like me finding moral justification in, I don't know, stealing a Maserati because I'm bummed out driving my '98 Civic but only have $800 in the bank and am too chicken to apply for a new job. Stealing is stealing, cheating is cheating. There is no "moral justification" for doing something we know is inherently wrong.

 

So, what to do? Well, you say leaving her is "not an option," although, let's just be factual here, it is an option. Relationships are just a choice. We always have the "option" to end them, and that's partly what makes them so special: that two individual people who exercise their free will and choose each other, day after day, without being bound to do so. Now, if you want to choose to stay—cool, own that choice. But own it without the whole martyr shtick. Not a cute look, that. Not a turn on.

 

Would you consider an open relationship? It's a thing people try, and a thing that does work for a small minority. Maybe you're part of that subset of the population, both of you? Just a thought. Or: couple's therapy? Another thing people try, with success. You clean out some emotional pipes, reaffirm those connections, within and with another and, often, the spark is rediscovered. Happens. These are the kind of things to think about, and talk about, rather than thinking about cheating and letting the tiny violin of your ego pen an opera that makes infidelity okay because you're the Saddest Man On Planet Earth.

 

Now, let's get to some bigger ideas, with this as a jumping off point:

 

I experience love as a governing force in my life. If I love someone, I`m willing to go till the end instead of walking away, even if it would eat me alive.

 

I read that and, just being frank, what I think is: nonsense. It's a very romantic gloss on what is an unstable and unhealthy and, in my opinion, surface-level understanding of love. Not even sure it is love, honestly, but more like obsession and possession stirred with a ladle of low self-esteem. Were I to translate that sentence without the frills it would be something like: "My life is governed by a deep fear of being alone, and as such I repeatedly find myself in unfulfilling relationships because I only know how to feel validated through other humans in general and other humans providing orgasms in particular."

 

You should be the governing force of your life, because, well, you are. Love is a feeling, not a trophy or reward or a hill to die on and be valorized for your efforts in battle. We don't get points for love, or for being unhappy, or for compromising our authentic selves in the "name of love." You seem to value a story in which you are a noble man destined to suffer more than the story that you are just a human looking for connection. Something to think about, perhaps. Make love all about you and your wants and your ego and you're cutting out the best part of it all: the other person, the complete mystery of that being.

 

Which leads to this:

 

As for your pattern, honestly look in the mirror because the common denominator is you. Women don't just lose their sex drive same as you don't. Either you are choosing specifically women who are sexually incompatible with you from the get go or something is happening in your relationships that turns them off completely. Time to look at causes rather than whine about wanting to go find some ho on the side.

 

The thing that strikes me in your post is that you seem to "measure" love primarily through sex, view women primarily as vessels for sex, and measure yourself, in ways, through sex. Most women? They will tire of that, fast. They will get turned off. They do not want to be treated as a preferred substitute for masturbation, but to be seen and heard—and, by extension, touched—as human beings who exist outside of your or anyone's needs and story. Does that compute, at all? Because when I hear you making certain transitional bargains—financial security in exchange of sex—I can't help but hear a man who does not quite believe women are people but something more akin to currency.

 

How I personally look at sex? If there's not a rich emotional, spiritual, and intellectual connection, it will invariably fade away. Makes me wonder if you've ever been in a relationship—even with yourself—where those other points are explored and cultivated. You may find that if you put your attention there your sex life will take on new dimensions.

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If you want to go to an escort, be a decent enough man to at the very least, and tell her what you're up to.

 

You're given free will to stay with her and then go to hookers or escorts, so then give her the free will to decide if she will stay with you after knowing what you're choosing to do with your body and the risks you will take.

 

Anything else is downright wrong. Then it becomes about lying, hiding, cheating, etc. Besides the fact that you'll risk your health and hers if you go to hookers.

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To you who said that nobody owes sex to his/hers partner; You are wrong.

 

I'm rarely this frank, but: this is just so, so wrong, and until you can call yourself out I think you're in for a world of torment and confusion.

 

You want to know what it is people "owe" each other? Absolutely nothing, save for being themselves. That is the beginning and end of it. Partnership is not a transaction. We are not owed washed dishes or paid bills or daily orgasms, in exchange for being a partner. People are not possessions, or supporting actors in the story of our lives. Treat them like that and, as you're learning, the connection will be a shallow, unsatisfying one.

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Cheating would be to satisfy your cravings, no? Not for the relationship. That has nothing to do with love. Also you seem to threaten and coerce if they don't oblige you. Hardly sexy, hardly love. Basically sex is a sport for you. Do these women get any pleasure out of it or is it all about you? It sounds like a massive turn off to them to beg, hound, threaten like someone looking for their own fix to get themselves off. Open the relationship or pay for it.

I have realized long time ago, that I`m kind of a sex addict but in hell of a good way if you ask me. I love sex, I want to come up with new stuff, try almost everything and make it an daily adventure. She just didn`t want to have sex as often anymore, and I was in the same hell again. She had trouble understanding my needs anymore, and I ended up blaming her, pressuring her, etc..

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It doesn't matter what I think. It matters what your partner thinks.

 

You basically, want an open relationship. If she doesn't, then there's your answer.

 

My comment to you, even though you didn't ask about this aspect is, there are women with high sex drives that don't diminish over time.

 

Just because that has not been your experience, doesn't mean it isn't possible. sexuality is just like any other component of a compatibility. Just as a relationship that is only sex, a relationship that has none, must be wanted by both people to work long term.

 

I believe all relationships are good ones, until they are not... some take longer than others to reach that point where, you gotta ask yourself, is this the relationship for me, for my future? the past is not the reason to stay, the future is..... what's the future health of this situation?

 

I think resentment if you don't cheat. Moving on with another person, if you do.

 

You said you don't want advice to end it and you'll die on the vine to preserve it. Well there's the answer......

 

But the end is near anyway.... Your dilemma is the classic, I want what I want, so I'll only see what supports my desire, not reality. And you'll waste a bunch of time in the process.

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No, it’s not okay. Ever. If you decide to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy, that choice is yours and yours alone.

 

No one is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do. Man up and own it. And do so without infringing on the lives of others, especially the ones who trust you with their heart.

 

Honestly, the writing is on the wall that you’re unhappy. Instead of choosing to do the wrong thing, do the mature, respectful and right thing. For you.

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You've said a lot about your needs, but what about hers? As you have a pattern of your partners' desire for sex dwindling then maybe you need to consider that their needs aren't being met by you.

 

If you are treating sex as a transaction or something you are owed, well, that in itself would be enough to put any woman off. If being in bed is all about you and you make no effort to turn her on or satisfy her then again, why would any partner still want to have sex?

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Can I ask you what amount of sex you desire weekly? If you are a person who is only happy if it occurs once a day, that falls within a lower percentage of the population, and you're going to have date a whole lot of women and get past the honeymoon stage before finding out if a woman has the extreme sex drive you do, because it's going to be like finding a needle in a haystack.

 

What are the complaints of all the women you've been with, about you? I'm sure you must have had discussions where they brought up issues of what they didn't want, or wanted.

 

Do you give a woman affection and attention when you don't have sex on your agenda? Do you do your fair amount of chores and contribute an equal amount to household finances? How do you enjoy time with your partner when you're not having sex? Do you do special things for her, like picking up things she needs at the store? Do you ever buy her special little gifts/treats just because, not just for special occasions?

 

Each couple is different, of course, on how often they have sex. A lot of people are too tired with work and/or kids, and having time constraints to do it more than once or twice a week. I, myself, would find it quite boring and overwhelming to do it daily and it would become so routine that it would take away the specialness of doing it less often than that.

 

You haven't said what your ideal amount of sex is, so I'm just speculating. If nobody has been your match, sexually, time and time again, I'd strongly suggest going to a psychologist who is skilled in diagnosing sexual addiction to either rule that out or confirm that diagnosis. It could be that you focus too much in that area of your life, and aren't living a fuller life with a bigger variety of interests. If you only want sex once a week and your partners haven't even wanted that, you will have to look at your treatment of the women by what they've told you, so you can improve as a partner.

 

People who you love, and with whom you enjoy the company of but don't have sex with, are friends. If you want a friend to fill the role as your lifetime partner, it's like putting in a DVD with no data on it and expecting to watch a movie. It's frustrating and a waste of time. But before giving up on her, have a discussion with her on what she wants improved in the relationship to see your part in it, and go see that psychologist. Maybe with changes on your end, you'll wind up with the life you want. Keep us updated.

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I`m not a sex addict, I just consider sex to be one of the greatest joys in life. If I`m a sex addict, then everyone who enjoys something so much that they want to do it often is an addict. Sex is healthy, it`s not a drug or a slot machine.

In your previous thread you stated you were a sex addict. A healthy one at that.

 

I will echo a previous post and if you are the common denominator here, is there any reason why you aren't exploring why you need sex so often? I get for you this is your normal, but if you are bumping up again and again with partners that can't keep up with you, instead of trying to convince, or barter for sex maybe you should consider talking to a professional.

 

No doubt the idea of you dumbing down your sex drive seems ludicrous. I get it. You like it and it works for you. That makes sense. But ultimately the end result is you have a few failed relationships to show for it.

 

Honestly, how often are we talking about here?

 

What's your ultimate goal, I guess the question is here? Do you want a healthy relationship? What's more important, frequent sex or compromise? You both might need to some help to understand why.

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I`m just starting to question myself and my believes. If I stay with her like this and yes I`m gonna stay with her I love her way too much to go anywhere, I will feel always neglected, disrespected and not wanted. It will consume me inside, and it has already started to do so because I have chosen being with her like this, instead of considering my own needs.

 

I have offered her complete financial freedom if she starts taking care of my needs, I have told her that she can even stop doing the chores at home besides that, quit her job, whatever she wants, if she only would not let me suffer like this.

 

Everyone else has told you their thoughts on cheating, so I won't add to that.

 

Relationships go through stages, with the first part being both sides just not wanting to take their hands off the other. As the largest need of men in the relationship is sex, over time this will wane for women. It is a well know fact that this happens in the vast majority of cases. In general, women like the new and shiny, and when that thing shifts into normal and standard, they lose the interest and look for the new 'new and shiny' to invest time in. (I'm not talking about a new sexual partner, but a different aspect of the relationship.)

 

Men, in general, on the other had want to get something to that normal and standard, and sex/desire is one of those things. He wants to be desired always as if it were the first few months. And, when he feels her interest starting to wane, he tries to barter for the return of that desire: I'll give you financial freedom, I'll do all your chores, just play with it like you want to, not like you have to. By doing this, you are not building her desire, you are building an obligation: 'sigh, he wants it again, if I have to.'

 

So, find a way to rebuild the desire instead of making it an obligation, and you will find she might be more interested.

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Thank you all for your answers. What I love about this forum is the amount of answers the threads get, and how good they are in quality. I really really appreciate each and everyone who took time to answer me, I have readed everything through twice. However due to the amount of answers I`m unable to answer everyone directly, but I try answering the points that sticked in my mind the most because I saw certain things arising more than others.

 

- Morals: Exactly why I made this thread, to get a reflection in this. I didn`t honestly know what kind of feedback I would receive, since I have actually talked about this kind of stuff with couple of other people I know who are more than certain that cheating is morally justified because they have shared a similar situation of their woman not caring enough about their needs, and in those discussions I have been the one claiming them being wrong about it. I find it a very hard question, because according to my morals I`m justified to enjoy a happy life full of sex, and my partner is trying to make that life impossible for me. Cheating in the other hand would cause pain, unbearable one that is. I have experienced it myself, and as I mentioned earlier I have never cheated anyone I have been with because of that experience. I was destroyed from inside, and in a way I don`t believe I ever recovered to a person I was before it. It scarred me for life. So when I`m thinking about stuff like this, I have travelled to a brink of other type of destruction. This eats away everything from me really, and she just won`t listen to me nor even have a good discussion with me. She just turns away when I cry for help. How is that morally more justified than cheating? I know nothing here, that I admit.

 

- Respecting her: I don`t see women as vessels for sex (hard for me to believe I made that impression to someone here), and I honestly have done my best to contribute positively into her life. I have a clear consciousness on this one. I have made no mistakes regarding this and I`m 100% sure she thinks the same way, I have always treated her well.

 

- Obligation to have sex: I understand that my point of view on these things might seem a bit cold and many of you saw me trading things for sex which of course is also a bit desperate, but truth to be told it`s a bit naive to assume there wouldn`t be expectations both ways in any relationship, and letting those expectations down will cause disappointment in your partner. Stating those most important expectations before making a big decision of sharing your life with another person is something I believe every intelligent human being should hold crucial, to be transparent in what you want. I have been extremely transparent, accurate and honest before she moved in with me because I wanted her to consider. Someone wrote that you can`t possibly owe your partner to have sex. I owe her my good behaviour for example. By nature I`m bit of a freak in a lot of things, but for her I always behave well in places we go. I owe her this. I also owe her my share of paying our bills. I owe her a consideration of her feelings every day, even if it would cause me a loss. I`m not gonna go out partying in the middle of week if she needs to wake up early, I owe it to her because I know what kind of life she wanted before I moved in with her. How could you say that nobody owes anything to his/hers partner? Of course you do, you owe a lot of stuff which would cause a disappointment if neglected. I would not talk about obligations unless this was such an issue in my relationship, please understand this. I hate to call sex an obligation, honestly. I hate being miserable more though.

 

- My needs in sex: Every 2nd day is the minimum I`m ok with, I can see serious signs of unhappiness in myself after that. If I got to decide it would be everyday, sometimes more than once, but I understand that it`s an unrealistic expectation. I also want to experiment new things, be kinky, do all kinds of stuff that I`m not going to describe here. What I have also been sad about is that she only wants regular sex without anything creative, even though she completely gave me an impression of a nasty mind when we had our first year.

 

- My previous threads: If I have ever called myself an sex addict, it has been due to an effort to decrease my sexual needs. I have given it a serious effort at some point, maybe that thread is from those times I`m not sure. I have once or twice tried to brainwash myself into believing there is something wrong with me, to make things work out better with my girl. As I stated this has been an issue in my relationships for about an decade. There has even been a time I have completely tried to get rid of my need of having sex at all, because of the way the women I have been with made me feel.

 

- My understanding of love: Someone had to question this here. Again hard for me to believe why, but anyways I would sacrifice my life any time without hesitation to save hers. I would give up literally everything I have to help her if needed. I`m ready to spend every day of my life with her. I do everything she asks me to do, because I want to make her life better. Her smile gives me joy like no other. Her friendship gives me more than sex ever could, which is the reason why I`m still here not willing to leave. Sex is better with her than it would ever be with anyone on earth because I love her, not anyone else. I would never love anyone if I didn`t believe for 100% I`m together forever with that person, with no option to break up ever. If this is not understanding of what love is, then im fine with the fact I don`t understand what it is.

 

- Bartering with sex in your relationship: Why not? People have been doing it since the very beginning of us anyways. Besides, bartering with sex with your own partner should not be taken the same way as bartering it with someone else, it`s more lighter form of whatever you want to call it. It should be obvious that your partner perceives you as attractive, right? Why would she/he be with you otherwise? So why it`s so bad to ask her to give you something you want when it should not be anything she can`t do with pleasure, and in return to give her something that rewards her. It sounds cold, but our very own civilization is based on trading things. Anyways I would not need to think about this kind of stuff if she wanted to keep me happy just by her good nature, but it`s not the way it goes so I`m desperate. What I admit is that this is desperate thinking from my behalf.

 

- Escorts: It`s no different from cheating and not really a topic here in my opinion..

 

- Open relationship: I don`t like the idea, and actually because we talk about everything this has crossed our "table" and it was an immediate and big no from her side.

 

- Results so far: I`m not even counting anymore, only 1 person from numerous answers seemed to think it`s ok.

 

In general it seems really depressing to think all women are bound to lose interest in a loyal guy who wants sex a lot. It makes me remember why I decided to be single for good before meeting her, who made me believe I should still believe in love.

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I don't really like your "owe" mindset about a relationship. If you desire someone and desire to be committed to that person you make certain promises -whether marriage vows or otherwise. You make them because you desire to be in a committed relationship and the couple often figures out what promises make sense.

I don't believe you adhere to your definition of love if you also believe that you could justify cheating on her in the way you would justify it. Sometimes love means walking away - because you can love someone who doesn't love you back romantically let's say -so you walk away and offer friendship from a distance or other kinds of non-romantic support because you love the person. Sometimes love isn't enough. I've loved certain people who ended up treating me badly. So I had to choose myself, my well-being over being around those people even though I loved them. Doing everything someone asks you to do is fine but it's not love if you're doing it with resentment, feeling like a martyr -then that's you being dishonest with yourself. Love is having the courage to tell the person "no I don't want to take out the garbage tonight because I've done it for the last week and just prepared myself a snack and my book for some downtime before bed." Love is trusting that the other person wants you to be assertive and show that you care about yourself too rather than building up resentment or acting like a martyr.

 

Desiring someone doesn't mean you want to have sex with them as often as they want to have sex with you.

 

She's not losing interest in you. She just wants to have intercourse less often than you. Big difference. You can go on and on with your "oh I need to believe in Love again" and pining after being single and the whole pity party thing but the truth is you are creating your own issues here. Because if you love yourself enough and love her you would have the mindset of two options (1) I can compromise on the frequency thing and with self-talk and self-work I can get to a place where what is good about this relationship will outweigh the downsides or (2) I've realized we are incompatible sexually. This is a dealbreaker for me. I love her very much and love isn't enough. So I will end things so we can each find compatible partners.

 

The fact that you're considering cheating on her as "justified" belies basically everything you wrote -we all have "thoughts" but were you to act on it by cheating then no you are not believing in love, you are not loving her, you are not even loving yourself based on all the dishonest pretzel-twisting rationalizations.

 

Two equally reasonable options -which will you choose?

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