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Thread: Justified cheating - where is the line?

  1. #1
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    Justified cheating - where is the line?

    I have never cheated. I have believed all my life that cheating is absolutely wrong, and the better solution is always to leave the relationship instead of being unfaithful, in case everything goes wrong regarding sex itself.

    I have been in many long term relationships, all of them mostly between 3-4 years. Each relationship has followed the same pattern; My woman stops wanting sex as much as in the beginning and completely stops taking care of my needs, leading to huge issues because my desire for sex stays the same, and I can`t absolutely see any reason for the decline of sex. There is no balance between our needs, and I`m just waiting and waiting and waiting to have sex every day due to being in a complete lack of it. It`s not a life worth living really when you think about it, but in the other hand it`s really hard to leave someone you love over this, and you never see this coming before it actually happens which makes it fcked up.
    I experience love as a governing force in my life. If I love someone, I`m willing to go till the end instead of walking away, even if it would eat me alive. This has led to some very ugly relationships, because I have been unable to walk away after finding out that my partner no longer has the same spark for me as she used to. It`s unbeliavably sad how it always goes the same way, no matter how good a man you try to be. I recognized this issue so early in my life, that I have been consciously trying to learn from my mistakes for over an decade and make sure I always create and keep up the best possible environment for my woman`s sexual drive to stay high. Sometimes I hear someone claiming that their +4 year relationship still has the same spark and sex as it was in the beginning, but I have strongly started to doubt the truth behind those claims due to my own experience, or then the person with the claim might be happy in having sex just once in a week in the long run, without anything kinky. I have failed each and every time no matter how hard i`ve tried, and right now as I`m writing this post I`m again in a middle of a relationship where my beloved partner only wants to be close to me, never really to have sex. It`s just always the cute stuff, not anything that`s even remotely sexual.

    I know that she really loves me, but the desire for sex with me or even the willingness to fulfill my desires is just not there anymore. When I try to talk about this issue, no matter how humble and polite I try to be, she just feels pressured and things won`t change, and trust me I have tried to choose my words just the right way.

    I would never want to cheat her because I have been cheated on during my early life, and it felt horrible. I would not put her into the same pain I endured.

    I`m just starting to question myself and my believes. If I stay with her like this and yes I`m gonna stay with her I love her way too much to go anywhere, I will feel always neglected, disrespected and not wanted. It will consume me inside, and it has already started to do so because I have chosen being with her like this, instead of considering my own needs.

    I have offered her complete financial freedom if she starts taking care of my needs, I have told her that she can even stop doing the chores at home besides that, quit her job, whatever she wants, if she only would not let me suffer like this.

    I have even told her once that she has no right to demand loyalty from me if she neglects my needs this way, but also adding up afterwards that it`s not a threat from me just to make her know how serious I consider her rejection to be. All those rejections within the past years, oh man.. I can`t even count them. She has even admitted that she is not interested in sex, and gives me the typical "its not you its me" bs.

    Please don`t suggest me leaving her, because that`s not an option for me. She`s amazing woman every other way than this, and we always have great time together when we are not talking about this issue.

    Do you think I would be morally justified to cheat her, in order to first of all be happy with my life and secondly to stop bothering her with something she claims she doesn`t need (sex)?

  2. #2
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    No not justified in the least. If you want to have sex with someone else and you promised her not to, then first you end things and then you can go have sex. Never a moral justification to break a promise especially when it just has to do with satisfying your sexual needs. Playing the martyr isn't about you loving her- it's about you not loving yourself enough, it's about you lying to yourself, and bartering sex for money or services is gross and does not reflect you showing love to her. It's simply groveling and I cannot imagine a healthy person would want to have sex with someone who is groveling and "suffering" in that way.

    It's your choice to suffer. You feel what you feel, you choose the reaction. Certainly if my spouse said "I see that you're knee deep in cleaning up - how about if I take care of the laundry for you today and then we'll have some time to be together?" that's very thoughtful - but only if -and it's a big if - he knows that the only thing holding me back from being with him that particular night is because I'm overwhelmed with work/prepping for next day. Not as some wheedling/manipulative "please have sex with me even though you don't want to and then I'll do the laundry".

    You don't love her way too much to go anywhere. You're trying to rationalize cheating on her, putting her health at risk, breaking your promise, betraying her, because she's not having sex with you. Doesn't work that way.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    No , it is not morally justified. Sex lives do not remain the same over time. No one owes sex because someone is good to them.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    No , it is not morally justified. Sex lives do not remain the same over time. No one owes sex because someone is good to them.
    I think it's fine to end a relationship over sexual incompatibility and then find someone who is sexually compatible. No one owes sex and for most people part of a romantic relationship is having sex/being sexual otherwise it's a platonic arrangement. So people who want to stay together without sex - more power to them -whatever works -as long as that is what they both want. He doesn't want that. So his option is to act on his feelings of wanting more sex by either accepting that she is not the person who will want sex with him as often as he does -accepting meaning not whining or nagging or playing the martyr -calm acceptance - or leaving the relationship. I work on accepting my husband's flaws (I'm sure he does the same) -sometimes I do feel resentful. It's not at all near the point where I feel like a martyr or want to betray our marriage vows. I sometimes have to self-talk to get back to feeling ok with it.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not go to escorts and pay for it if you won't leave her? You seem to be the common denominator in women losing their interest in sex with you. So even if you leave her or cheat the next woman will lose interest in "taking care of your needs" also.

    Have you consulted a doctor regarding what you referred to as a "sex addiction"? :[Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by 4dvz
    My woman stops wanting sex as much as in the beginning and completely stops taking care of my needs, leading to huge issues because my desire for sex stays the same. I`m just waiting and waiting and waiting to have sex every day due to being in a complete lack of it.

    I have even told her once that she has no right to demand loyalty from me if she neglects my needs this way.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    No you are not justified to cheat. Ever.

    And yes, your only healthy and morally and personally correct option is to end this instead of playing martyr while trying to justify cheating somehow. How low do you really want to stoop in life just because....why? Afraid to be alone? You won't be.

    As for your pattern, honestly look in the mirror because the common denominator is you. Women don't just lose their sex drive same as you don't. Either you are choosing specifically women who are sexually incompatible with you from the get go or something is happening in your relationships that turns them off completely. Time to look at causes rather than whine about wanting to go find some ho on the side.

  8. #7
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    My thread was about finding out if cheating can be justified, some part of me does believe that it is in my situation but it`s like my brain is divided in two regarding this issue.

    Ok so far 5 answers, from which 4 believes that it`s not justified and the 5th suggest me to use escorts which is definitely cheating so 20% yes 80% no. Let`s see if the rate changes..

    I`m not a sex addict, I just consider sex to be one of the greatest joys in life. If I`m a sex addict, then everyone who enjoys something so much that they want to do it often is an addict. Sex is healthy, it`s not a drug or a slot machine.

    To you who said that nobody owes sex to his/hers partner; You are wrong. It`s only human to have sexual needs, and it`s completely natural for a human being to get depressed without it. Don`t you owe your partner to atleast try to make him/her happy? If you make a choice of being with someone who you know to have history like I do, you have chosen to take care of those needs. And yes, I made her consider this before moving in with me, and I made her consider it really not just some "by the way". I told her all about my history with women, and that I can`t be with a person who is not that much into sex in the long run as myself, even though at the time she wanted sex enough for me. She told me that I would not need to worry, she made a promise. If she would had at that point said that she will start to lose her interest in sex just like the women I told her about, I would not had moved in with her.

    And yes, I blame myself. I have tried to look into a mirror and see my mistakes, I have really tried. The situation im at makes me hate myself, because I keep failing everytime.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    No, you there is never a reason to cheat.

    What you can do is be an honest man and stop being so fearful of her. Tell her your needs, be as logical as it as you can be. If she has a fit and can't handle the conversation, than that shows a massive level of immaturity that you can't fix and will end in misery.
    But tell her you would like sex and how often and see if she and you can work on it being like that. If she absolutely refuses and won't even try, then suggest an open relationship to her if you're unwilling to leave her.

    Though you not willing to leave her would suggest that you have a very unhealthy attachment issues going on. It's not healthy to continue staying with someone who makes you feel neglected, disrespected and unwanted (your words).
    I hope on some level you do realize that if she is making you feel these things and is unwilling to compromise with you or hear your needs and still does not care to fix things, that she does not love you at all.

    I think many people would leave her. Not so much due to the lack of sex (though that is a huge part), but more so that she doesn't care about your needs. She isn't interested in being intimate with you like that and that there is no closeness between you both in that regard. It does become like a roommate situation where things can only get more and more miserable.

    I don't know your situation but what is the age difference and are you paying her way? Does she work?
    It seems odd that all of a sudden sex is no longer appealing to her.

    As for you making the statement about sex waning after 4 years...honestly, I feel for you. I'm not sure what kind of women you've chosen or how it's gone wrong, but two people who are truly in love and attracted to one another, can have a very happy sex life for 20+ years.

  10. #9
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    No, you would not be justified in cheating on. No matter how carefully you tried to build your case here, itís a bad idea and unlikely to offer you the happiness and fulfillment you think it would.

    Ask her if you can open the relationship if youíre that bent on staying with her despite this glaring sexual incompatibility.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....you told her all that, but look at your actions. They don't match. You talk the talk but don't walk the walk. She refuses sex, you refuse to end what is really an unhealthy relationship.

    Without sex, you have nothing more than a platonic pal and you are tormenting yourself trying to make it into a relationship instead of ending things. Stop the madness. Be honest with her that this isn't working and she needs to start looking for her own place. If you get along that great as friends....so stay friends. Just drop the charade of being the bf/gf and separate so she can go on and find a guy for her who isn't interested in sex and you can go find a woman who is.

    As for looking in the mirror, consider talking to a third party. Can be very hard to see where you are going wrong, but much easier when someone else can give you some feedback. You really cannot walk away from the fact that you are the common denominator in the patter you have. Got to find a way to break that and if that means getting outside help, so be it. Like I said, women don't just lose their desire for sex with their partner. Heck, as they get older, their sex drive increases.

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