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Thread: Justified cheating - where is the line?

  1. #31
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I mean.....there are soooo many women out there with a libido and sexual interest that easily match and even exceed your own. Why are you so unwilling to get out and find them? Serious question.

    You talk about this girl giving you an impression of a dirty mind....buuut....what about actions? Did you two actually do anything or was it all smoke and mirrors and an illusion that she might be into things. I'm really wondering how much you got caught up in the fantasy of potential rather than noticing that reality isn't matching up.

    In reality, you are seriously miserable, the relationship isn't working. You are not a cheater and you know this deep down. You talked about an open relationship and you already know that it's not an option. How do you think she will feel when you get caught cheating? You will get caught. Every cheater gets caught. You'd rather destroy her mentally and emotionally and leave her with life long scars of damage than break up? Really? That's pretty evil on your end and the opposite of love or caring about another human being. The logical and only clean solution is to end this, so why are you so categorically refusing that as an option? Do you want to harm her in some dark recess of your mind as a sort of retaliation for refusing sex? I mean...I don't even know really wth is up with you.

    Another serious question is why do you insist on telling yourself that a high libido woman doesn't exist? I mean....that's just....silly.....OP.... It's almost like you are actually enjoying this drama and torment.....

    Your refusal to end the relationship that's not working is worth an appointment with a shrink in and of itself.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I think you are going about this from the wrong angle.

    You are not trying to solve the problem, you are just trying to medicate it with cheating. If you cheat she will find out and the relationship will end and you will be right where you don't want to be.

    I was with my ex wife for 20 years and her sexual desire for me stayed at a pretty high level throughout all those years. All the gf's I have had it was the same. I don't think I just got lucky, I think it is because I focus solely on the woman's pleasure and zero on mine. I know I will be satisfied because the woman I love and I am with is satisfied. I read a study once that showed when a woman has really good sex she will want it more and more whereas when men have really good sex their desire wains. Our drives are different and our needs are way different and unless you figure that out you are doomed to keep repeating this with any woman you are with.

    Frankly your words show me that you think she owes you sex as a duty. You will be hard pressed to find a single woman that will agree and go along with that idea. Phrases like "taking care of MY needs" shows that you put yourself first in this when you should put her first. Trust me if you rocked her world in bed she is going to come back for more and more. Who wouldn't??? Have you ever pleasured her with no thought of her reciprocating? Have you ever given her a back rub with out an ulterior motive? Have you ever just cuddle with her and given her a passionate kiss and told her you love her and go right back to cuddling with out trying to get into her panties?

    If I were you I would put all my energies into learning how to be the best lover you can be and hope you get another shot with the woman you say you love so deeply.

    Step one is a heartfelt apology for all your attempts at coercion to get what you want with a promise to not pressure her ever again.
    Step two is to get some books on how to pleasure a woman and on what women really want. Make sure all the authors are women!!! Read them over and over again not because you want to get sex from her, but because you want to give the woman you love the very most pleasure possible and nothing more.

    You need to do a total 180 on the way you have been thinking...

    Lost

  3. #33
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Keyman

    So, find a way to rebuild the desire instead of making it an obligation, and you will find she might be more interested.
    This^^
    A sure fire way to kill a sex drive is to turn it in to some sort of obligation.

    . .and why lostandhurt is still single, I'll never understand :)

  4. #34
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by 4dvz
    I have experienced it myself, and as I mentioned earlier I have never cheated anyone I have been with because of that experience. I was destroyed from inside, and in a way I don't believe I ever recovered to a person I was before it. It scarred me for life.
    These three sentences jumped out at me.

    I'm just shooting in the dark a bit, but I can't help but wonder about the contours of that "life" scar. Because a narrative that comes to my mind? I wonder if your sense of curiosity and wonder about women got snuffed out when you were cheated on, and since then your relationships have been built on foundations of fear rather than curiosity.

    As myself and others have pointed out, your view of your girlfriend, and perhaps women in general, seems highly focused on your needs, not theirs. Yes, we're talking a lot about your sexual needs here, but I can't help but see those as being a subset of a bigger need: the need to ensure that you have control, so you can get what you want without getting hurt.

    This kind of self-absorption—an obsession with our own pain and pleasure—presents real problems with intimacy, physical and emotional. If you can't think about your girlfriend and/or women as existing outside of your own pain/pleasure system, you will send the message to them that you are not genuinely curious about their own unique systems of being. That is a turn off.

    Again, not sure about your timeline, but I do wonder whether this has been an issue primarily since you were "scarred for life."

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    These three sentences jumped out at me.

    I'm just shooting in the dark a bit, but I can't help but wonder about the contours of that "life" scar. Because a narrative that comes to my mind? I wonder if your sense of curiosity and wonder about women got snuffed out when you were cheated on, and since then your relationships have been built on foundations of fear rather than curiosity.

    As myself and others have pointed out, your view of your girlfriend, and perhaps women in general, seems highly focused on your needs, not theirs. Yes, we're talking a lot about your sexual needs here, but I can't help but see those as being a subset of a bigger need: the need to ensure that you have control, so you can get what you want without getting hurt.

    This kind of self-absorption—an obsession with our own pain and pleasure—presents real problems with intimacy, physical and emotional. If you can't think about your girlfriend and/or women as existing outside of your own pain/pleasure system, you will send the message to them that you are not genuinely curious about their own unique systems of being. That is a turn off.

    Again, not sure about your timeline, but I do wonder whether this has been an issue primarily since you were "scarred for life."
    good points and I wonder has the OP even considered what his cheating would do to his partner?

    To know how painful it is to be cheated on and to not even mention the impact of his actions on anyone but himself.... telling...

  7. #36
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    good points and I wonder has the OP even considered what his cheating would do to his partner?

    To know how painful it is to be cheated on and to not even mention the impact of his actions on anyone but himself.... telling...
    In fairness, he has mentioned this many times—not wanting to inflict the pain he's experienced.

    I'm just trying to nudge here and there, best I can, to help see this in a bigger light, as I don't think it ultimately has much to do with an abnormally high sex drive so much as trying to create and sustain a romantic connection through unsustainable means.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Who are these women who will have wild crazy no strings sex with you when you are living with someone? What storyline will you tell them? The ball and chain at home doesn't understand me?

    Where will you have this wild kinky sex? A motel? How well have you thought this out? This is why escorts are an option. It's not cheating if you tell your live-in gfs.. This gives them the option to leave and find a guy who loves them for the long haul. Why do you live with them? Why not stay free and clear to pursue new/novel sex?
    Originally Posted by 4dvz
    I have even told her once that she has no right to demand loyalty from me if she neglects my needs this way

  9. #38
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    This^^
    A sure fire way to kill a sex drive is to turn it in to some sort of obligation.

    . .and why lostandhurt is still single, I'll never understand :)
    Awww thank you.

    I am still single because I know the value of my love and commitment and I simply haven't met the right woman yet. Had a few near misses but I haven't given up.

    OP I really hope you take everyone's words to heart and take a step back and put yourself in her shoes. Sex has become a chore for her and who wants to do chores???

    Lost

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