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Thread: My GF won´t stop talking about her ex best friend whom she fell in love with

  1. #1
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    My GF won´t stop talking about her ex best friend whom she fell in love with

    Hello,

    I´m reaching out because I would like some advice or point of view on how to handle a situation.
    My GF and I have been together for almost a year now on March. We met in a moment in my life when I had finally let go of a very unhealthy and toxic relationship and built my self back up with therapy, yoga, self help books, in other words, I did my job to help my self. My current GF is a really good and kind and a sweet girl, we connect in ways I have never done with anyone before, and I believe because of all of that that she is the one for something long term. We hardly ever argue and if we fight we always communicate and try to fix things because we have a mutual agreement that we respect and love and care for each other and don´t want to cause each other harm.

    Well, this fantastic girl has been carrying with some baggage. She left her hometown in the east coast to start new on the west coast. She came out of the closet 2 years ago, and confessed to her 15 years of friendship best friend that she was in love with her. Her friend being straight said nothing would happen and my GF drifted away saying that she needed to get over her and that she would contact her when she no longer had feelings for her.

    Now, when we first started dating, she shared this story with me, which I could sort of relate what it is to be in love with your best friend and how hard it is to stay in that situation, being that I my self healed before her from a friendship breakup because I could not stop seeing my ex as a partner and kept in love with her.

    The thing is that she constantly talks about her. It´s been almost 2 years since she last spoke to her friend when she broke contact, but she still refers to her self sometimes with the pet name her friend gave her, stalks her social media, and when she feels emotional and starts talking of her past and her friends, she spends time talking about her trips and her friendship with her, sometimes she says she doesn´t want to contact her again because she moved on, then sometimes she feels guilty because she aid she would contact her, then she says she will not be talking with her, and others she says that she would reply if she ever wrote to her. This past weekend we had a fight because I told her that she spends a lot of time talking about her and that I don´t feel like she is actively trying to heal, I asked her when she last stalked her social media and she said "last weekend". I was so pissed off, not out of jealousy, but as a caring friend that she does not try hard to not get over her. I blocked my ex gf whom I couldn't stop having feelings for and missed her too because she was my best friend, but I understood that you can´t really heal by keeping up with everything that happens in her life. I don´t regret telling her to block her, which she did. She doesn't have many friends that know about her life so I had to step back from thinking like a girlfriend and help her out as a friend. I know she needs therapy, but when she was blocking her on FB, I noticed that her friend had everything private, except a picture of her with my gf. Why would someone that knows you are trying to heal do something like that? Is that even caring?
    My GF says she thinks she misses her, but my gf also told me that she kind of feels like HER confessing that she loves her sort of stuck as an ego boost.
    I´m scared because I feel now that yes, she loves me, no doubt, she has proved it many time, but she is struggling with this and it makes me feel uncomfortable and like there is this 20% that she can´t give to our relationship because she is still thinking of her. I´, trying to get her into self help, to have will of power to not be looking around her social media, that is just scratching your scars.

    This for me is beyond jealousy, it´s me feeling scared and insecure that we have a relationship that is beautiful and have talked plans of living together and at some point int he future, maybe even children. I don´t know how to help her, I know that it´s about will power and truly being firm with what you want, but she doesn´t seem to either figure it out or truly decide what to do. I keep telling her that is not about forgetting memories, but about moving forward. It sadens me to see this, and feel like she just might be being played. And what hurts me the most is that she is the most down to earth person I know and is kind, that is no love googles, that is me seeing her as a person. I´m also the first relationship she´s ever had since coming out, and the only relationship in which she ´s lasted this long, constantly reaffirms me that she loves me. I wish her focus would be more on us growing together rather than not letting go of the past.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    The thing that struck me reading your post—and I hope this doesn't come across as offensive—is that you seem to be wanting to apply your own self-work to her. Just as you once diagnosed issues in yourself, and addressed them through therapy, self-help books, yoga, and so on, you are now diagnosing an issue in her and wanting her to follow the same path. Yes, that's because you care. But also? It's because you want her to be...just a little bit different than who she is, for your own peace and comfort.

    Alas, it doesn't work that way. Often has the opposite effect, as you're discovering. Sounds to me, at this point, that it's a coin toss between who spends more time thinking of this mythic friend, you or her, and that's as much a problem as whatever it is she's feeling, how many thorns remain from that time in her life. Her baggage has become your own baggage, and it's worth reflecting on if, initially, her baggage was attractive: something you thought you could sort for her. You could relate, you knew similar pain, maybe liked lending a helping hand, a tender ear, a warm embrace. But if in the early days you sent the message that this was fair game to chat about and bond over, it's very hard pivot to make to declare it verboten.

    What to do now? I would put a hard stop to the prescriptions—to nudging her toward therapy, toward blocking, toward anything. All that, regardless of the compassion behind it, is trying to control another human being. Humans don't like that, rebel against it with metronomic reliability. Instead, rather than chastise her for what you see as her missteps in healing, I would let her know that you are struggling to imagine a future with someone who is hung up on her past in the way she is. Make it about your needs, in short, rather than what you think she needs to be better. Then listen to what she says, and observe how she acts, maybe giving yourself an internal timeline to see if things improve.

    That is respect—for her, for you, for the reality of your dynamic—rather than a prescription.

    Tough road, at this point, of course. But this is who she is, who she showed herself to be right from the start, who you chose to invest in, and a dynamic that you've co-constructed right alongside her. Own that part of things: that this isn't something that exists in a vacuum, but something you invited into your life. I completely understand your frustrations—life has taught me to step away from people still reeling from others—but it is not your job to help her, cure her, heal her, or save her, and it's generally a hard bargain when romantic harmony is predicated on someone changing.

    Valuable lesson, that. Whether it can be applied to this, at this stage, is for time to determine. Wishing you the best.

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    I think on a surface level she understands but on a more problematic deeper consciousness she can’t help herself. Her obsession could be she’s not fully over her or hasn’t fully let go and got closure. Either way it doesn’t bode well for your relationship.

    If she’s in the constant need of obsessing over her friend then something is missing in your relationship. It’s not your fault, it’s the reality she needs to overcome this baggage to fully commit to you. Her getting into a relationship with you before overcoming this hurdle wasn’t fair to you.

    I know it’s been a long term relationship and you love her but she’s doing a disservice to you.

    You need someone 100% dedicated to you.

    I’m sorry to say this OP but you need to let her go she’s not ready for anything serious. If she tells you she is, she’s only fooling herself.

    A relationship has two people in it. Not three you, her and her former best friend occupying her mind.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Stop trying to fix her. Like take a big long step back and let her sort herself out or not. See what happens when you do nothing.

    Some of it sounds like....I don't know....your own insecurities getting the better of you perhaps? Like if she was friends with someone for 15 years, pretty impossible to edit that person out from conversations about her past, travels, experiences, etc. Like it or not, this friend will factor in quite naturally. Pretty much impossible not to unless you just completely never ever talk about anything she's done prior to meeting you, but then that's neither healthy nor realistic.

    I am kind of wondering the same thing as Blue, as in just which one of you is giving more mental space to the friend, you or your GF. Might be you and so rather than fixating on fixing your GF, maybe do some inventory on yourself. Remember that improvement is a never ending process. Be sure you aren't the one turning a tiny speck of sand into a giant mountain and source of ongoing drama.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok that is the main theme. Your relationship. Everyone has a past but it sounds like she is oversharing when it comes to that. A better way to bond is to create your own memories, shared interests activities, etc.

    For some reason there are people who believe oversharing about their pasts is a form of bonding. Of course the disclosure is makes them feel closer, but it is alienating for the other. So do not join her in focusing on her past. Don't try to fix, cure or otherwise rearrange this because it unwittingly draws even more attention to it and away from building your own relationship.
    Originally Posted by stephanie86
    I wish her focus would be more on us growing together rather than not letting go of the past.

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    I´m really only investing the mental space I need to look for advice or help on how to handle this. I have nothing against her sharing experiences of her past, I like to hear her to get to know her better and I get and feel happy for her. But the thing is, she never even talks a lot about of her ex-boyfriends, she healed it and let it go, she does talk a lot about her now ex friend whom she was in love with. And the fact that I feel bad to see her struggle when she gets emotional sharing, and when I entered her ex friends FB I saw that she has only a picture of her with her on her FB. She knows my GF will enter and see, if my GF told her that she as going to back off to get over her, and she does this for whenever my GF gets curious and enters her profile, makes me understand why my GF is struggling so much to let go, because her friend is not giving her the space she needs to heal. Now I´m not one to get involved, I´m only looking for my relationships interest, what we have created, and to preserve and evolve it. Of course I could never compete with her 15 years friend, and I don´t intend to. But I just don´t know how to help my GF get over that. It´s a new type of relationship for her and for me, what we have. I just feel like maybe I´m not being loved the way I wish, which is just the two of us and not her guilt of not being able to stop being in love with her friend (which she now says she doesn´t feel it and that she would reply if she was to contact her)

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by stephanie86
    I´m really only investing the mental space I need to look for advice or help on how to handle this.
    I don’t quite understand this. Is the advice you’re getting not about handling this?

    All in all, I don’t think this is something to “handle,” but rather see if you can accept, or not, and be honest with yourself about that. Focusing on her friend, her friend’s FB page, and how to help solve it all—well, it’s not helping anyone, is it?

    Does she vocalize to you that she’s still in love with this woman? I ask because I still can’t quite tell whether it’s you or her who thinks about her a lot and sees her as an issue. It might be, as you said, that you’re just not feeling the level of love you need to feel secure.

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    You are okay with this or not okay with this. There is no middle ground.
    Do not "help" her.
    State your boundaries "i can't be in a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else"
    "its fine if you want to obsess over your old friend and talk about her, but when you do, i will change the subject or i will go do my own thing."


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