After 10 years my ex split

So this is long and complicated but I’ll keep it as short as I can. My ex and I split after 10 years when she cheated/monkey branched me for a coworker. I caught her roughly 4 weeks ago being at his place all day. I told her to leave and she never came home and has moved in. We were together for 10 years. We met when we were each with other people. She left her husband for me and I my GF at the time. 2 years in she went back to him when things had gotten bad between us because we don’t communicate our problems well. 4 months later we got back together. We lived together , had moved Into separate apartments one street apart (due to the lease) and started talking because we kept seeing each other. Fast forward to a couple years ago (after we moved to AZ together) she got in some big time trouble and wound up in prison. I also got in trouble because I had used her credit card but ended up being cleared and allowed to come home with a clean record. Lost my job and a bunch of money (hit my family hard as well). I supported her for her year in prison and she came home a little over a year ago. The past year was ok but we ended up having the same problems and not talking about them. I generally ignore her and wrote her off when I’m unhappy and she gets depressed and doesn’t tell me. She ended up finding someone she now says makes her happy. I think they were seeing each other for a few months before I caught her.

I know each situation is different so I would some people’s opinions on what’s going on and what they think the future could hold. Everyone says I need to stay clear of her, and I’m getting in that space, but I do still love her. Anyway. Here’s the deets.

She’s moved out some of her clothes (before I noticed)

Each time she only takes a few things like pillows and clothes and meds.

She is on parole, and did not change her address with them. She just had her scheduled visit with them this week. She SHOULD be changing it soon.

She hasn’t forwarded her mail yet

She didn’t plan on movers. I’ve had to ask her a few times when she’s getting her stuff out. No answers yet. I have her until the end of the month.

A week after we split, I tried to be on board with things (thanks to online stuff) and said I supported her and would leave her alone. We ended up sleeping together.

She has started randomly texting me stuff about tv shows. It happened twice. Since the last time I texted her once she didn’t reply. So I started no contact.

We texted yesterday about her stuff and her parole visit. This is when I have her the deadline for the end of the month. I ended up dealing out over her leaving and wrote her a letter apologizing for my part in things and told her I love her and it was somewhat of a goodbye letter. Her reply was “thank you for the letter and I’m sorry your hurting”

So my big questions are for people who cheated and left, and then came back, does this sound like that kind of situation? I see signs she’s not sure but then her response to the letter was cold. Should I plan on her never coming back or does it seem likely since she did before? What are people’s thoughts. It helps to talk about this stuff so any opinions or thoughts are welcome. Thanks!

You asked her to move out and gave her a deadline to move out and you're asking if she'll come back???

I'm confused...if you want her to come back why ask her to move out in the first place?

It sounds like a lot has happened over 10 years, as it tends to.... sigh. Based on what you wrote, I think, yes, she will come back.

She sounds very damaged, emotionally speaking, unable to be alone, prone to making bad decisions, some that landed her in jail, sleeping with multiple partners, unable to be responsible for her own needs, from basic survival and living to committing to the steps required to get her life on track to being a functional adult and member of society.

I think a healthier, more stable person would run from this situation and never look back. Have you even considered that? Other than sex and having "someone", why do you want her back?

She left him for another guy. He gave her a deadline to pick up what's left of her stuff.

Seems like a classic case of how you got them is how you'll lose them. She found a shiny new toy and you got discarded. Of course, she might keep you on a string for awhile in case things go abruptly south with the new toy. If they do, no doubt she'll come back.....for awhile....until she finds another guy to cheat with. This is who she is and you signed up for this with your eyes wide open and well informed given that you were her cheating partner yourself.

You asked her to move out and gave her a deadline to move out and you're asking if she'll come back???

 

I'm confused...if you want her to come back why ask her to move out in the first place?

While she’s with this other person i don’t think it’s fair that she be allowed to keep her things at my place. I’m more trying to gauge a typical length of a rebound/monkey branching relationship. I don’t see how it’s fair to me if i let her keep her things there

She left him for another guy. He gave her a deadline to pick up what's left of her stuff.

 

Seems like a classic case of how you got them is how you'll lose them. She found a shiny new toy and you got discarded. Of course, she might keep you on a string for awhile in case things go abruptly south with the new toy. If they do, no doubt she'll come back.....for awhile....until she finds another guy to cheat with. This is who she is and you signed up for this with your eyes wide open and well informed given that you were her cheating partner yourself.

Truth. This is how she handles getting out of relationships and we both did it before. I’m not even as upset about the cheating as i should be. More so that I let things get so bad that it happened.

It sounds like a lot has happened over 10 years, as it tends to.... sigh. Based on what you wrote, I think, yes, she will come back.

 

She sounds very damaged, emotionally speaking, unable to be alone, prone to making bad decisions, some that landed her in jail, sleeping with multiple partners, unable to be responsible for her own needs, from basic survival and living to committing to the steps required to get her life on track to being a functional adult and member of society.

 

I think a healthier, more stable person would run from this situation and never look back. Have you even considered that? Other than sex and having "someone", why do you want her back?

I am trying to go through everything and take a strong inventory of what I want. I know my instant reaction is to want her back. I’m starting to see the other side of it. We did have some strong years together. She was always loyal until things got bad. And I take my share of the responsibility for them getting that way. I’ve dove into therapy since the breakup and see a lot of things I can do better. We’ve always had a connection and there’s still a huge part of me that loves her.

Truth. This is how she handles getting out of relationships and we both did it before. I’m not even as upset about the cheating as i should be. More so that I let things get so bad that it happened.

Ah but that's the thing about cheating. It's never about the existing relationship or you being a bad partner or what you could have done better. That's simply her character and who she is. You could be a perfect bf and it won't stop her from suddenly discarding you for a new shiny toy.

That said, this mess and stringing along will continue as long as you will allow it. Cut the string and it will be over. Love from afar so to speak and eventually that will fade as you heal and move on. Glad to see that you are seeking some therapy. Be sure you don't blame yourself but rather focus on how to make better choices going forward.

I am trying to go through everything and take a strong inventory of what I want. I know my instant reaction is to want her back. I’m starting to see the other side of it. We did have some strong years together. She was always loyal until things got bad. And I take my share of the responsibility for them getting that way. I’ve dove into therapy since the breakup and see a lot of things I can do better. We’ve always had a connection and there’s still a huge part of me that loves her.

I understand and applaud you going to therapy. Its not easy to move forward.

A lot of people site connection and past good times for the reasons they stay or want to get back together. I know I have.... but those reasons are not enough, especially, if the other person is not doing their part to work out issues.

I think all relationships, like partners, are good, until they are not.

I think the old saying, a person is only as loyal as their options may apply.

Good luck to you. While I'm sure you both have a hand in the problems, you seem to be ahead of her, in many respects- therapy, parole, self-sufficient... I'd focus on that and keep moving forward with your own life.

While she’s with this other person i don’t think it’s fair that she be allowed to keep her things at my place. I’m more trying to gauge a typical length of a rebound/monkey branching relationship. I don’t see how it’s fair to me if i let her keep her things there

My ex is still with his "monkey branch" woman 11 years later. I don't think there's a "typical" time frame for relationships that begin before the previous one ended.

I would hope you'd want a better quality woman to share your life with.

I think it’s pretty easy for me, as a completely uninvolved and unattached person, to type from here that you should or shouldn’t feel a certain way about the person you spent the past 10 years with. Based on a few paragraphs of text you shared some facts which elicit the “unhealthy” judgement when viewed through a logical lens.

For me the problem with leaving my own “toxic” marriage with infidelity and our own brand of legal problems (mostly drug and alcohol fueled,) is that love is not an entirely logical experience. If true love were based solely on practicality and common sense, would it still be true love?

Anyways we ended up separating and reconciling twice before the divorce “took.” I don’t regret going the extra mile to make myself a better husband (got sober, went to therapy, etc.) and giving her chance after chance to make her own mistakes right even if I stayed in the relationship way past its expiration date. Rather I feel confident that I didn’t bail out as soon as it got tough. I feel reassured that I did everything humanly possible to honor my commitment.

So who’s to say if she’ll come back or not, though it sounds like she wants to keep the option open. But if she does I personally wouldn’t blame you for driving this thing until the wheels fall off if that’s what you choose to do. No matter what it’s going to be painful for a while until she does come back or you make a conscious choice to heal and follow that up with action to make it happen...

Best wishes and good luck!

Thank you all. I am trying to look forward and decide if this should be the end. It’s hard to see clearly still because there’s a lot of pain and a lot of “what if” emotions running around. I’ve researched a million ways to get her back and as much as there’s no real answer I keep hoping to find one. Though today is the first day that I don’t feel like I have to find one. The past couple weeks have been more of a frantic quest to find something that makes me feel better, only to find something that makes me worse. Like boltnrun said, it’s possible she stays with this guy for 11 years. Hell, her and I were a monkey branch relationship for 10. That’s what scares me. I’m still holding on to the 4 month time frame from the last time she left although I know that’s one example and the circumstances are not even close to what they were. Just trying each day to move forward a little more from it so hopefully one day i don’t even think about it anymore.

Sorry to hear this. Yes untangle yourself from her. She sounds like trouble. Severe whatever you can accounts, addresses, belonging etc. If she makes rash s decisions, she'll end up in prison again. Most people in prison keep one or more people on the hook for a place to land when they get out.

So you, this guy, her ex and perhaps a few more are all being duped. It doesn't sound like she's rehabilitated, but rather learned a few new tricks in prison.

a couple years ago (after we moved to AZ together) she got in some big time trouble and wound up in prison. I supported her for her year in prison and she came home a little over a year ago.

We texted yesterday about her stuff and her parole visit.

Sorry to hear this. Yes untangle yourself from her. She sounds like trouble. Severe whatever you can accounts, addresses, belonging etc. If she makes rash s decisions, she'll end up in prison again. Most people in prison keep one or more people on the hook for a place to land when they get out.

 

So you, this guy, her ex and perhaps a few more are all being duped. It doesn't sound like she's rehabilitated, but rather learned a few new tricks in prison.

She’s actually put herself in jeopardy already. She never changed her address with parole so she used our apartment this week. She’s going to have to change it by her next visit. She let it slip that her new man “understands” what she went through so I assume he has a record. Hopefully for her sake it gets approved because I’m not going to let her keep her things there past the end of the month.

When I asked her about it before she said it wasn’t my concern to worry about anymore. I guess I need to accept that it isn’t. Whatever happens to her happens to her and it’s not on me to worry anymore.

I just find her behavior odd. I’m a person who likes to know why things work the way they do. Why not have movers ready to go a few days after the visit. I get you can’t have things packed and look like you live there at the same time, but her lack of motivation to get things changed over is what I question. But again I’m probably looking to create more “she’s coming back” evidence

You really can't expect a compulsive person to make organized rational decisions.....

I would work with your therapist to better understand where you get this dysfunctional idea of love from.

What is it about the human brain that makes us act and think like this. Everyone in my life tell me I should run and never look back. A day before the breakup if you told me she would be gone I would have thrown a party. I spent a year resenting her for almost ruining me then another year wishing she would leave. The minute she does I want her back. I’ve been trying to understand it and get back to how I should feel, and it’s getting better but anything about her sends me into a tizzy for a while. Today I was ok until I thought about her on lunch. Now I’m 50% ok and 50% upset she’s gone.

By all accounts from those who have been this way before: it’s a long road. Usually only makes sense in retrospect...