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Thread: After 10 years my ex split

  1. #11
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I think itís pretty easy for me, as a completely uninvolved and unattached person, to type from here that you should or shouldnít feel a certain way about the person you spent the past 10 years with. Based on a few paragraphs of text you shared some facts which elicit the ďunhealthyĒ judgement when viewed through a logical lens.

    For me the problem with leaving my own ďtoxicĒ marriage with infidelity and our own brand of legal problems (mostly drug and alcohol fueled,) is that love is not an entirely logical experience. If true love were based solely on practicality and common sense, would it still be true love?

    Anyways we ended up separating and reconciling twice before the divorce ďtook.Ē I donít regret going the extra mile to make myself a better husband (got sober, went to therapy, etc.) and giving her chance after chance to make her own mistakes right even if I stayed in the relationship way past its expiration date. Rather I feel confident that I didnít bail out as soon as it got tough. I feel reassured that I did everything humanly possible to honor my commitment.

    So whoís to say if sheíll come back or not, though it sounds like she wants to keep the option open. But if she does I personally wouldnít blame you for driving this thing until the wheels fall off if thatís what you choose to do. No matter what itís going to be painful for a while until she does come back or you make a conscious choice to heal and follow that up with action to make it happen...

    Best wishes and good luck!

  2. #12
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    Thank you all. I am trying to look forward and decide if this should be the end. Itís hard to see clearly still because thereís a lot of pain and a lot of ďwhat ifĒ emotions running around. Iíve researched a million ways to get her back and as much as thereís no real answer I keep hoping to find one. Though today is the first day that I donít feel like I have to find one. The past couple weeks have been more of a frantic quest to find something that makes me feel better, only to find something that makes me worse. Like boltnrun said, itís possible she stays with this guy for 11 years. Hell, her and I were a monkey branch relationship for 10. Thatís what scares me. Iím still holding on to the 4 month time frame from the last time she left although I know thatís one example and the circumstances are not even close to what they were. Just trying each day to move forward a little more from it so hopefully one day i donít even think about it anymore.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Yes untangle yourself from her. She sounds like trouble. Severe whatever you can accounts, addresses, belonging etc. If she makes rash s decisions, she'll end up in prison again. Most people in prison keep one or more people on the hook for a place to land when they get out.

    So you, this guy, her ex and perhaps a few more are all being duped. It doesn't sound like she's rehabilitated, but rather learned a few new tricks in prison.
    Originally Posted by GreyFuzzball
    a couple years ago (after we moved to AZ together) she got in some big time trouble and wound up in prison. I supported her for her year in prison and she came home a little over a year ago.
    We texted yesterday about her stuff and her parole visit.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Yes untangle yourself from her. She sounds like trouble. Severe whatever you can accounts, addresses, belonging etc. If she makes rash s decisions, she'll end up in prison again. Most people in prison keep one or more people on the hook for a place to land when they get out.

    So you, this guy, her ex and perhaps a few more are all being duped. It doesn't sound like she's rehabilitated, but rather learned a few new tricks in prison.
    Sheís actually put herself in jeopardy already. She never changed her address with parole so she used our apartment this week. Sheís going to have to change it by her next visit. She let it slip that her new man ďunderstandsĒ what she went through so I assume he has a record. Hopefully for her sake it gets approved because Iím not going to let her keep her things there past the end of the month.
    When I asked her about it before she said it wasnít my concern to worry about anymore. I guess I need to accept that it isnít. Whatever happens to her happens to her and itís not on me to worry anymore.

    I just find her behavior odd. Iím a person who likes to know why things work the way they do. Why not have movers ready to go a few days after the visit. I get you canít have things packed and look like you live there at the same time, but her lack of motivation to get things changed over is what I question. But again Iím probably looking to create more ďsheís coming backĒ evidence

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You really can't expect a compulsive person to make organized rational decisions.....

  7. #16
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    I would work with your therapist to better understand where you get this dysfunctional idea of love from.

  8. #17
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    What is it about the human brain that makes us act and think like this. Everyone in my life tell me I should run and never look back. A day before the breakup if you told me she would be gone I would have thrown a party. I spent a year resenting her for almost ruining me then another year wishing she would leave. The minute she does I want her back. Iíve been trying to understand it and get back to how I should feel, and itís getting better but anything about her sends me into a tizzy for a while. Today I was ok until I thought about her on lunch. Now Iím 50% ok and 50% upset sheís gone.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    By all accounts from those who have been this way before: itís a long road. Usually only makes sense in retrospect...

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