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Thread: Not sure what to do

  1. #51
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I would be tired of putting my life on hold waiting for someone who isn't treating me properly.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    Thoughts?
    Speaking generally, I think what you're feeling right now is a pretty universal swirl of feelings following a breakup. Endings never quite make sense, not right away, not to either party, until they do. Could it have gone differently? Could it still somehow go differently? Is there something, anything I can do to tip their scales from fogginess to clarity? These thoughts are inevitable. Time has the answers, not you or her.

    You are smart enough, of course, to know that you are hanging onto shreds in your interpretation of her words, bending them a bit to tell the story you'd like to inhabit. Also understandable, a universal human response to pain and uncertainty.

    What I'd at least take a moment to reflect on is why you are so drawn to someone who is so ambivalent emotionally, who doubts her core capacity for romantic depth and connection, both in general and specifically with you. Yes, I get it, there are "so many good things." But I think there is more to it when you're wanting to be the thing that zaps someone out of an emotional fog and into a place of emotional clarity. Stuff inside of you that predated her—self-work you want validated by another self, for instance—and that is not the stickiest or healthiest of glue when it comes to connections.

    No, a more confident man would not be sending flowers to a woman who has repeatedly told him she has doubts about him and needs space, forever space. He would respect that she knows what she needs more than he does, and that she expressed herself as clearly as she was capable, that there is no secret switch inside of her to press, no secret gear that she is refusing to shift but that, with some nudging, could be shifted.

    It's all pretty simple, really. Sad, but simple. You can keep the door open to her emotionally for as long as you'd like. There is no winning or losing, but what will be, and what you can handle.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D

    In contrast what many of you said, I still believe that this lady is confused about what she wanted, and that was clear in her “break up“ note. She said her heart was going back-and-forth and she was truly torn, but that she needed a break. If you read all of the previous post eggs, you would have read that she also said “maybe I’m not ready for a deep relationship like this” or, “Maybe I’m not emotionally ready for this” and... “I need time now to clear my head and dont want to keep bartering about things now”. These are direct quotes.

    Many of you said that this is clear, and she is breaking up with me. Get over it. Well, I am having a hard time getting over it, clearly. This note seemed to be filled with “maybes” and “breaks”, But not clearly termination language. Well, in all fairness, her text open with “Not sure the situation with you and I is working out“. Even that language leaves a little opening of interpretation. That leaves me to believe that may be, although confused, she just may not want to deal with it now, but maybe she might with a little time passing.
    I think a majority of endings sound very much like this. People don't want to slam this kind of delicate information on someone. Especially when their heart is involved.

    I don't love you anymore and don't want to be with you
    . . are harsh words to say. So, instead they are said ambiguously. It's like an attempt to creep out the door backwards and hoping they either won't stop you or maybe won't notice. It keeps things light and less dramatic.

    The downside of this is exactly what you are doing. Trying to read between the lines of what she didn't exactly say.

    So, what do you do? Let her actions give you that answer.

    Recalling everything you've shared previously, I also think there is something to making this all about her that protects you from having to take a look at your responsibility here. Why you are so resistant to it, I don't know.

  4. #54
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    Thank you for the posts… I appreciate your input... it gives me a lot to think about.

    God is this long winded. I will apologize in advance for going on and on. I suspect you’ve gotten used to that from me right now… :-)

    I have tried to look at my responsibility in what has happened. A lot. Compared to almost every other relationship I’ve ever had, I have done my best to minimize my own mental health difficulties. I thought I was doing a pretty good job with that. I have a lot of demons, too, and some of them reared their ugly heads in this relationship, and I think I was able to do a pretty good job of offsetting them. I think the political debates were the only real obvious exception.

    From an overall perspective, the relationship seemed to be going surprisingly well, until last week. However, the day-to-day grind of a relationship of this kind can sometimes be overwhelming. Add that to somebody that wants to debate things or challenge things, like I do, I think it was just too much stress for her right now. Does that mean she won’t be open to things once the dust settles? I can’t yet say. Maybe. I think we had a whole lot going for us, and I think she knew that. I don’t think she’s had a lot of relationships that were very positive and nurturing and stable. Given that she just came out of a very unstable relationship, it stands to reason she would be doubtful and easily confused. I think that’s textbook trauma patterns.

    I went back and looked at her texts that she sent me from mid December, when she was struggling from almost exactly the same reasons. Stress was the main thing that she was harping on. she was concerned that she couldn’t keep her head on straight with all the stress that she had and then the relationship. She said almost exactly the same things back then, basically, that her head was bouncing all over the place, and that she loved me and my daughter but wondered if she could keep it together. Nothing to do with not loving me. I know she did... I suspect that that is why within days of the prior message, without explanation, my daughter and I were sleeping over at her house. It was actually rather strange. It was 180° turn without any explanation. That’s not stability, but I try to let it be what it was and move forward. There were lots of positives after that.

    It is clear from both messages that the stress of a deep relationship, as she says it, it’s just too much for her to handle right now. I don’t think this is just her way of sneaking out the back door to break up. I do really think that she has been confused by this relationship, because it seems so fantastic one moment, and then we are arguing about something stupid after that.

    I’ve been pretty good to this girl. No more than 10 days earlier than her break up text, she was telling me I was good for her. Within days prior to breaking up, we were both facing each other telling each other we love each other. There seemed to be no doubt in her mind at that moment, and there was not in mine. It seemed about as pure and honest as I have ever experienced it. This is maybe why am having such a hard time letting go. Doesn’t really make sense, at least in the context of her final text messages.

    Also, we are both very musical and play music. Within a week prior to her breaking up, she suggested to me that we form a duo with the intent of playing out, so I could earn some extra income because I was struggling financially. With this in mind, She clearly wasn’t thinking about breaking up days before she actually did. I believe this breakup was reactionary, and brought on by her hugely stressful life. I could come up with countless examples of how this just doesn’t make any sense.

    Why am I continually arguing some of your points on here? Because I feel like There was a lot more going on here than many of you guys might be seeing, and maybe with a careful approach, health and a little guidance from you guys, we could get back on a good track. I do believe that’s possible.

    So my goal with all of this writing is to decide for myself how long it should be before I reach out to her. It will kill me if she is decisive about her decision and has definitively shut the door. Part of me would be fairly surprised if that’s the case, given everything I just said. I went back and looked at photographs just now from over the last month and a half, and we were like family members. It wasn’t a one-way street. I believe she really loved being part of a family with me. It was only a few weeks ago that she was at my house and we were walking around the property, and to me, there was no doubt that we were both anticipating her living there at some point. I could see it written all over her. We had talked about it numerous times previously, as well. But that was before the first downfall in December.

    Others on here have asked why I would put my energy into a girl who is not emotionally available, and who has made it clear that she’s not ready for something deeper. Her actions spoke differently for almost the entire time I knew her. So, it’s Bluecastle that said that her actions should speak for her, well they were, loud and clear, until last week. 180° in a matter of days? I’m doubtful that’s coming from place of decisiveness. i’ve been confused about things in this relationship, also, and I know that feeling of not knowing which end is up or down and of whether you are coming or going… But my mental health work over the years has gotten me a little better at knowing that these thoughts are not necessarily reality, and that tomorrow may bring another feeling that contradicts what I felt the day before. I’m crossing my fingers that this may be the case with her, as well. She is a decent, loving lady, and she deserves to be happy.

    My aforementioned friend suggested that she may actually fear success and happiness And maybe subconsciously sabotage her chance at that kind of happiness, and in some ways, I think what her and I represented was a good step in that right direction. But I think it may have been coming at a price for her, and that was one of stress, and I think it got the best of her. She’s not great at dealing with stress, and I think she just needed to let it go. That’s why I believe that still may be lingering hope. Call me a dreamer, and tell me that it’s all in my head… You may be right, but as blue said… Time will tell.

    Any suggestions or thoughts are always encouraged.

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