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Thread: Not sure what to do

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Oh dear...

    Not quite sure what to say, actually.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    One can totally get the tone of your relationship by the responses you've given here.

    Seeing that you are a mature man, one of the best lessons maturity can teach us is to respect another's differences and give them the right to have it.

    You don't have to agree with it. It doesn't need to mirror yours.

    You learn to embrace the differences. If the divide is to wide, then you reconsider the relationship.

    From what I have read, you seem to fight about being right.

    Had you sent me articles from an `authority' to drive home your opinion, I'd be cancelling dates too.

    Well, in this instance, yes. I didnít really care that much about disagreeing regarding this topic, because as I mentioned before, I am a little bit on the fence about it, but I respect what authorities have studied. < and that is your prerogative. Why debate it? Tell her thank you and change the subject. It is your child after all.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    What's your goal in this thread?
    - Multiple goals: To see what folks would do in this kind of situation, if it were themÖ.What should I do next? This is really the main goal.

    - And also to purge by typing and see what people have to say.


    Clearly, folks on here have said that thereís just a basic incompatibility issue. That may be true, but Iím also not willing to say that people that are different canít learn to alter their expectations and their styles to make the other good things work. I think thatís proactive thinking. This girl may be worth itÖ Iím still considering that.

    I am trying very hard not to reach out to her, and to give her her space. That has somewhat worked before, and I think it allows her to experience whatever sheís experiencing without feeling pressure. The downside to that is that it makes me feel hugely anxious. It makes me feel abandoned and blowing off, and I donít have a strong support network where I live.

    My history with her has shown that sheís not good with my anxiety. She said six weeks ago that sheís dealing with her own problems, which she tries hard to keep concealed, and doesnít have room for more issues during her recovery.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    One can totally get the tone of your relationship by the responses you've given here.

    Seeing that you are a mature man, one of the best lessons maturity can teach us to respect another's differences and give them the right to have it.

    You don't have to agree with it. It doesn't need to mirror yours.

    You learn to embrace the differences. If the divide is to wide, then you reconsider the relationship.

    From what I have read, you seem to fight about being right.

    Had you sent me articles from an `authority' to drive home your opinion, I'd be cancelling dates too.
    I guess that goes to show incompatibility, even between you and I.

    My former spouse And I send articles back-and-forth all the time, even during debates. Thatís the way we convey information to each other. I donít think itís a matter of being right or wrong, itís coming up with the best solution to a problem. Thatís the way my brain sees it.

    My lady friend was saying something to me that was going against what the scientific community has understood for years. My interest had less to do with me wanting to prove I was right, and more for her to see where I was coming from. Thereís a difference there. It could be just as easily said that she was not letting me be OK with my own opinion on the matter. I think the fact that she was so seemingly hostile in her response was what concerned me most. I pretty much sent her articles and was willing to drop it, but she seem to want to have the last word.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    ďWell, you will have to argue it out with the authorities about this oneÖď after I sent her a few links. She got snappy again, at which point I said ďfeel free to disagree with those who have spent years in their career to understand this stuffĒ.
    ^^ This seems rather antagonistic, but when you began to explain the exchange you painted yourself rather innocent and unaware of how it might come off.

    You stated you thought she would be interested in the literature.

    Rereading this, you were basically goading her.

    And now you're here wondering why she's cooled off?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I may have questioned how she comes up with her political leanings, and I implied that her political convictions aren't well-informedÖ I felt I needed to be honest.

    Skimming over your first thread.

    You mention how calm you are compared to her passionate heated responses to the things you say to her.

    You go on about *her trauma and your theories on why it's caused her to mysteriously respond to you the way she does.

    Maybe there is some truth in there, but honestly - you provoke her, talk down down to her in your calm and self admitted passive (aggressive) manner and she get's righteously angry and insulted.

    For further insult, you minimize this anger you provoke and write it off as *her trauma.

    She doesn't feel respected by you. I can't say I blame her.

  8. #27
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    Not seeing eye to eye on world views is just a difference of opinion. Everyone has a right to theirs and if you and your so's opinions differ on these matters then it's best to be respected and left alone. It's not an important component of forming a bond with someone in a romantic context. You agree to disagree, respect it, and move on to more pleasant and productive topics and areas that you share in common. You let it go out of respect for the other person and the bond you share. There's no superior or inferior opinions, just differing ones. This is something you have to accept in order to keep the peace and let it go. If you can't, you're going to have an uphill struggle that will make you miserable or make your connection fail. Probably both.

  9. #28
    Bronze Member Leah33's Avatar
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    If political debate is something youíre passionate about why not just have those discussions with your male friend instead? Itís obviously a source of contention between the two of you so why have it?

    Is it wise or important to debate parenting styles with your lady friend if there's a chance it could indirectly affect your daughter? Of course you want to demonstrate that you value your lady friend's opinion but not if it infringes on your ability to co-parent.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Leah33
    If political debate is something youíre passionate about why not just have those discussions with your male friend instead? Itís obviously a source of contention between the two of you so why have it?

    Is it wise or important to debate parenting styles with your lady friend if there's a chance it could indirectly affect your daughter? Of course you want to demonstrate that you value your lady friend's opinion but not if it infringes on your ability to co-parent.
    I agree... but Iím going to disagree with some of the things that have been said here. Iím not typically an argumentative sort, regardless of what it may seem. If anything. I think she was goading me. She was offering an opinion on a topic related to MY child care. I was fine with that, until SHE began to seem argumentative about it. When I told her what the professional literature said about it, which contradicted her theory, thatís when she started to get nasty. I didnít start the nasty part, and I donít believe I deserve to be labeled as the antagonizer. I donít think I was. At all. I did get a bit annoyed when she started asserting that she was disagreeing with the authorities, and my opinions, which, in effect, kinda disrespects my opinion. Thatís when I thought it would be useful to send some literature, rather than argue, since her disagreement was as much with the professionals as it was with me, since I didnít really care that much about the topic.

    I think my lady friend and I shouldnít be talking about this stuff by text, because, similar to this discussion, I think a ton of relevant information is lost in the conveyance of a text. Tons more can be conveyed through person to person, and I think text can be troublesome for just that reason.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    This is something you have to accept in order to keep the peace and let it go. If you can't, you're going to have an uphill struggle that will make you miserable or make your connection fail. Probably both.
    I do agree, and I think Ive made improvements in that area. However, itís not me that is ghosting. Iím more than happy and eager to talk and figure out how to better strategize difficulties like this.

    Ironically, we get along really well in almost every other area, which is why her disappearance is so sad.

    We both clearly has self-esteem issues, and Iíve seen over time that hers is manifested in feeling inferior in certain situations. I do, too, which is why I think I can recognize it. A lot of times, I think people like me come across as being know it all, when our intent is to try to help and offer what we know about something as our gift. Her gift to me was always buying things for me, since her income is staggeringly more than mine, and doing chores around my house. I donít feel subordinate when she tries to do that. I try to be grateful and thankful. It has always seemed that whenever I offered opinions on things that I know something about, I would often see her feeling frustrated or irritated, rather than accepting and being grateful. Thatís what Iím seeing.

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