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Thread: Not sure what to do

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    She came from abusive relationships,
    How long since her last breakup?

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    When people say they aren't ready for a relationship, we really have to believe them.... bc this is what happens.

    You are showing, love, support, benefits of the doubts and so on... but in the end they are a MESS! And will not see it, appreciate or reciprocate....

    I would stop being so caring and understanding... don't lay out all you've done and all you'd still be willing to do for the bare min she is giving you.

    Down to brass tacks- you see, now, she was right, unable to be the partner you need and you're sorry to say, but you need to move on.

    the eggshell approach does not help the broken. It only confirms they are broken. if you walk, she'll either step up and try to fix this. Or you have your pride and self confidence somewhat in tack and can focus on meeting someone that will work WITH YOU.

    In your fifties, you gotta be more practical. Do not waste time on projects.... This is who she is....
    I hear you. I think what you were saying is pretty much spot on.

    The thing I’d like to clarify is… She has only said that she didn’t think she was ready for a relationship a couple of times in the six months that we have been dating formally. Each time, I pretty much backed away and gave her the time to figure things out, and she came back. Don’t know if the same thing is going to happen this time around, but we didn’t even really talk it out last time as to what happened and where her head was. I suppose that’s pretty clear.

    There was no doubt in my mind that she believes that this is a good thing, although that may be changing from our disagreements from last week, who knows, And she hasn’t imploded this time around by stating that she doesn’t think she’s ready, nor has she said that she doesn’t think this is going to work. She is still reaching out, although I haven’t heard from her today, which is very unusual. We texted several times last night, although it seemed rather detached. She did conclude by saying “talk to you tomorrow”.

    I suppose these are the egg shells that you are describing.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    It's a basic incompatibility.

    Can you stop yourself from sending her professional literature if she disagrees with you on something? Or is it a "need" you have, you feel like you have the right to do it and you're not going to stop?

    Relationships are about compromise. They also are NOT about changing who you are to please the other person. If you feel it's a vital part of who you are to engage in these kind of "discussions" with your romantic partner and she disagrees...basic incompatibility.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    It's a basic incompatibility.

    Can you stop yourself from sending her professional literature if she disagrees with you on something? Or is it a "need" you have, you feel like you have the right to do it and you're not going to stop?

    Relationships are about compromise. They also are NOT about changing who you are to please the other person. If you feel it's a vital part of who you are to engage in these kind of "discussions" with your romantic partner and she disagrees...basic incompatibility.
    I thought about sending links to professional literature because, in part, I thought it might be of interest to her. However, what she was saying sounded reactionary and disconnected from what’s well known within the field., so I thought reading up on it might be helpful to her.

    In truth, I didn’t really care that much about the Childcare topic, because I’m a little on the fence about it anyway. I just saw that what she was saying was pretty extreme, and I thought it would be a good opportunity to offer an alternative perspective on it. Clearly, she wanted no part of it.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    How long since her last breakup?
    Things had been going downhill for quite a while with her former husband. They separated one year ago, and she was by herself until we really started getting together in early August of last summer. So, she didn’t have a lot of time to decompress.

    Interestingly, it seems that when things start going really well is when they start to crash for her. In many ways, despite the political debate that we had last week, we got through that fairly unscathed, And the resulting discussions brought us much closer together emotionally and physically. So, her seemingly crash after one texting disagreement seems to come out of nowhere.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    I thought about sending links to professional literature because, in part, I thought it might be of interest to her. However, what she was saying sounded reactionary and disconnected from what’s well known within the field., so I thought reading up on it might be helpful to her.

    In truth, I didn’t really care that much about the Childcare topic, because I’m a little on the fence about it anyway. I just saw that what she was saying was pretty extreme, and I thought it would be a good opportunity to offer an alternative perspective on it. Clearly, she wanted no part of it.
    But are you willing to stop doing that?

    Are you willing to just let it go when you two disagree? Can you just change the subject or something?

    I've had men I dated tell me that giving birth without anesthesia (as I did twice) "doesn't hurt THAT much". I mean, how would they know?? But not worth the effort. I just changed the topic.

    Just because you and your friend don't react the same way she does, doesn't make it wrong.

    If you know she reacts poorly to your approach to disagreements on certain topics you can either choose to change the subject or choose to continue doing what you've been doing. But, again, you shouldn't be surprised when the result is either conflict or withdrawal.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    But are you willing to stop doing that?

    Are you willing to just let it go when you two disagree? Can you just change the subject or something?

    I've had men I dated tell me that giving birth without anesthesia (as I did twice) "doesn't hurt THAT much". I mean, how would they know?? But not worth the effort. I just changed the topic.

    Just because you and your friend don't react the same way she does, doesn't make it wrong.

    If you know she reacts poorly to your approach to disagreements on certain topics you can either choose to change the subject or choose to continue doing what you've been doing. But, again, you shouldn't be surprised when the result is either conflict or withdrawal.
    I think I’ve made improvements in letting go of these kinds of topics. We were much better with our political debate the week before, and I tried hard to not debate the childcare issue. I said what I thought was relevant to the topic, she began to get snappy, told her something to the extent of… “Well, you will have to argue it out with the authorities about this one…“ after I sent her a few links. She got snappy again, at which point I said “feel free to disagree with those who have spent years in their career to understand this stuff”. Clearly, I said that out of frustration, given she was ignoring what has been Studied for years by psychologists. She got snappy again and said “I guess I will just keep my Meager opinions As compared to the very best to myself.” Then she said good night. I suspect she was tired and was cranky, because I can’t understand that perspective otherwise.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whirling D
    I think I’ve made improvements in letting go of these kinds of topics. We were much better with our political debate the week before, and I tried hard to not debate the childcare issue. I said what I thought was relevant to the topic, she began to get snappy, told her something to the extent of… “Well, you will have to argue it out with the authorities about this one…“ after I sent her a few links. She got snappy again, at which point I said “feel free to disagree with those who have spent years in their career to understand this stuff”. Clearly, I said that out of frustration, given she was ignoring what has been Studied for years by psychologists. She got snappy again and said “I guess I will just keep my Meager opinions As compared to the very best to myself.” Then she said good night. I suspect she was tired and was cranky, because I can’t understand that perspective otherwise.
    Therein lies the key.

    You can't understand why she would take offense to your actions.

    She is not you. She is not the friend you referenced. She will not react the way you would or the way your friend would.

    Basic incompatibility.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Therein lies the key.

    You can't understand why she would take offense to your actions.

    She is not you. She is not the friend you referenced. She will not react the way you would or the way your friend would.

    Basic incompatibility.
    Well, in this instance, yes. I didn’t really care that much about disagreeing regarding this topic, because as I mentioned before, I am a little bit on the fence about it, but I respect what authorities have studied.

    I woke up the next morning not thinking that much about it, but I’m not sure she did the same…

    I’m going to say something that will not be popular on here, and you can call it arrogant or self righteous or whatever you want, but I’m going to say it. I tend to think that this girl is used to being the boss and being the alpha in all the situations she is in. I have no interest in being someone’s beta, nor do I really have an interest in being an alpha. My interest is to discuss things with people And not have it get out of hand if we don’t agree on stuff. Our first political debate, it got out of hand, and I was an equal participant. I don’t think that has been the case since. I think her frustration, and I’m going to take heat for saying this, is perhaps her subconscious understanding that she isn’t going to be the alpha in this relationship. I don’t mean that meanly, I just think that that’s how she has evolved in her own skin. I think she needs to be the alpha. I’ve seen plenty of evidence of that. I’ve almost never been an alpha anywhere (except for with my kid, and the classroom that I led for almost 20 years), and that’s my own issue. That comes with its own set of baggage, of course.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What's your goal in this thread?

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