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Thread: How can I tell if I was overreacting?

  1. #1
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    How can I tell if I was overreacting?

    Good morning to all of you, I`ll jump right in. I`m heartbroken.

    Last month I met a guy in a club. He`s 30 years old, with no education (which is not ideal for me but I don`t judge based on that) and a job that he lied about paying well (he`s a driver for tourist vans) We were super into each other. He even tried to kiss me that evening but I refused. He asked for my phone number and we exchanged numbers. The following afternoon we texted and he wanted to go out with me I said no, because I had other plans. Nonetheless we texted all day. The next we set up a date and we had a beautiful time. He opened doors, held my hands and he talked non stop about his life. By the end of the date, he asked if I was single and he said he was too. He drove me back to my place, all was good.

    The following day we texted non stop, went to the movies and kissed. Then the same occured the next and the next. Basically the first week we were together 5/7 days and those 2 days we didn`t hang out was because I was busy. He was paying for everything and even carried my backpack for me!He would call me for a last goodnight, he was pleading to come by my house to see me just for 5 minutes. I thought it was super cute. I was impressed. The only thing that I was if-y about was that we would make plans 1-2 hours before the actual date & the fact that he didn`t really ask much about me. Then on Saturday he asked if I wanted to have wine with him at his place, I refused saying it was too early for that. Sunday we got together, he was noticably "colder" towards me. He gave me a "driving" lesson for fun and we had coffee. As we were having coffee we kissed and he was holding my hand. Then he suddendly push me away and said in a very disrespectful manner he didn`t like sucking faces in public. While I understand it, that was definitely not going on and I got sad. He apologized and said I have the permission to kiss him. Then out of the blue he annonces he will be out of town for 2-3 days to see his parents. He said he might be back earlier even.

    Fast forward he did go, only to come back 4 days later with a lame justification about it. But he was constantly texting, sending videos and photos. Once he pushed me to send him a phot of mine wearing my home clothes and when I rejected he was pissed. During that time I asked him on the phone if we were exclusive and he said yes. Mind you I was always holding back, not being needy, pushy or anything like that. I kept my cool. The Saturday he returned we had drinks and a steamy session at the back seat of his car and he was pushing for sex. I declined. When he drove me back home I said, let`s go eat together tomorrow! He said he wasn`t sure if he had other plans etc, but he asked if I was open to going by his place for wine. I accepted not thinking much of it. Next day, I went to his place, we had great sex, he ordered chinese and we watched a movie. He drove me back home. Some red flags appeared: him downgrading my place of origin, my education ( I have a masters degree in Theology and speak 4 languages at proficiency level + 2 I taught myself), he would call me puppy and little kid because he said I`m so agreeable, he would sacrastically mimic my mannerisms , he liked to play poker online but swore he had stopped it and he was not in good terms with his dad because he deceived him and ate up a huge chunck of money in the past. He also had souvenirs from his ex littered around the house.

    Next morning he was nowhere to be found. It was 2 in the afternoon and I called him to see if he was ok. He was annoyed because I woke him up and that in his eyes I was overreacting. The next day we went out but later than our usual dates. He was soooooo distant, faint kisses, not looking me in the eyes, not holding my hands as tight as before. He emphatically said he had to call his boss and went out to call him, although the place we were at was pretty quite. I saw he replied to a fb message but quickly deleted the conversation as I approached him. I asked him why he was so distand and that we can talk it through in a very calm and sympathetic manner. He said he didn`t like that I jump into conclusions, that if it happens again it would be over between us and that he sees a really dark side to my character. He suggested we go back to his place but that his sister would be there and I got excited I would meet her. She never appeared and he got disappointed I was on my period and could have sex. Although once again he pushed for it.

    The next 2 days he was cold and distand, his texts were shorter and he wasn`t calling at all. He cancelled our dates on both those days and I got to know because I asked! I called him to understand what`s happening because I saw all these things as red flags and my gut screamed that something was off. I swear I was calm, my voice was pretty low, I was just trying to talk things through asking him if he would like to continue seeing me in the future. At first although he confirmed we were exclusive he was annoyed,cold and answering with few words. Then he said that us having sex meant nothing, that he doesn`t like my character, that he doesn`t want to waste time on me and that I remind him of his ex and called it off. I asked for both of us to take some time, relax and for a final meetup so that we would talk things through like grown ups.I apologized if I was upsetting him and that I don`t want to stop seeing him. He refused and said that he doesn`t want any more contacts with me and that if he changes his mind, he`ll let me know... This happened on January the 23. We are no contact ever since.

    My point is, was I overreacting? Did I push him away or was this the right call? Also, do you think he`s coming back? Everyone is telling me I was right in my approach and that I have to be so agreeable and stand up for myself and my standards. But what if I lost a good man?
    Thank you.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like it was just hooking up. This is a lot of drama for a few hookups Do you go to college or work? Try to meet guys in better places than nightclubs.
    Originally Posted by proseyxi
    Last month I met a guy in a club.Then he said that us having sex meant nothing, that he doesn`t like my character, that he doesn`t want to waste time on me Also, do you think he`s coming back? Everyone is telling me.....

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I don't think you're overreacting. The signs were there from the beginning that he wasn't exactly 'nice,' but you overlooked them because you were into him. You don't actually know him and should be skeeved by any stranger who makes condescending/disparaging remarks towards you. He came on strong in the beginning because he wanted to have sex with you. The moment you had sex with him he turned off the charm and now you're just stuck with the slag. This is his natural state. The charm was extra effort. Don't expect any validation from him. And don't worry about losing him. That would actually be a good thing.

  4. #4
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    @wiseman2 Thank you for replying! I know everyone had alarmed me that he was a player, that even before this all happened. I`m 25 years old, have succesfully completed my studies, I work in as a secretary for a big law firm, make a good salary, have a loving family, have property of my own and in my spare time I go to the gym and take pole fitness classes. So it`s not that I don` t have a life, on the contrary. I pushed back my life for him. My problem wasn`t that he had other plans, or that he was out with his pals, that goes without saying. But here`s the equasion :

    distance + postponing plans because his water boiler was taking a long time+ cancelling plans last minute for friends + cancelling plans last minute for having beers with his boss = I`m pissed.

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  6. #5
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    @Jibralta Thank you so much for the reply! It puts me to rest feeling I haven`t lost my sense of logic... I`ve been gaslighted before and I once more was questioning myself. But all the people around me, plus my instict said the same things you said. I don`t want him back, it`s just the feeling of wanting a small "revenge" as in you turn him down this way around. But it`s pretty pointless...
    "This is his natural state. The charm was extra effort." Yeah, you had a lightbulb going up my head right now! Whenever he was "zen" as he said, or whenever I would disagree or didn`t conform to his wants he wouldn`t go cold, instead he would let go of off his extra effort. Bless you I`m already feeling better!!!!

  7. #6
    Bronze Member kim42's Avatar
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    I donít think you are overreacting, he sounds like a player who wanted to get laid. He was trying hard at the beginning so he could get what he wanted. Players do this, they are super charming at the beginning, and then the mask comes off. Iíd block his number, you donít need him in your life.

  8. #7
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    Thatís a lot of drama within the span of one month. I donít see any point in which he displayed the characteristics of being a good man. I would just chalk this one up to experience and move on.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't over-invest in guys you pick up in clubs. Just move forward. If you tend to get this obsessed, make an appt with a doctor for an evaluation. Do mood disorders or drinking run on your family.?

    This seems disproportionately intense for a guy you hooked up with for a month. Get into some quality activities and get on some quality (paid) dating apps.
    Originally Posted by proseyxi
    I`m 25 years old, I work in as a secretary for a big law firm. I pushed back my life for him. I`m pissed.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Exactly. Date for a while before sex. This way you rule out the players and get to know someone better. etc.
    Originally Posted by kim42
    he sounds like a player who wanted to get laid. He was trying hard at the beginning so he could get what he wanted. Players do this, they are super charming at the beginning, and then the mask comes off. Iíd block his number, you donít need him in your life.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How can I tell if I was overreacting?
    ... I`m heartbroken.
    Over a few booty calls with a nasty liar? Yep, overreacting.

    Use the experience to your advantage. My takeaway would be that I value myself enough to want to get to know someone well before having sex with him. Anybody who doesn't want to stick around long enough to (just) date me for that screens himself right out so I won't waste time on him.

    Then you won't overlook things like lying and mistreatment, because you're screening lousy dates OUT, not sleeping with them and trying to bond with them.

    Head high, and raise your bar.

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