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How can I tell if I was overreacting?


proseyxi

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Good morning to all of you, I`ll jump right in. I`m heartbroken.

 

Last month I met a guy in a club. He`s 30 years old, with no education (which is not ideal for me but I don`t judge based on that) and a job that he lied about paying well (he`s a driver for tourist vans) We were super into each other. He even tried to kiss me that evening but I refused. He asked for my phone number and we exchanged numbers. The following afternoon we texted and he wanted to go out with me I said no, because I had other plans. Nonetheless we texted all day. The next we set up a date and we had a beautiful time. He opened doors, held my hands and he talked non stop about his life. By the end of the date, he asked if I was single and he said he was too. He drove me back to my place, all was good.

 

The following day we texted non stop, went to the movies and kissed. Then the same occured the next and the next. Basically the first week we were together 5/7 days and those 2 days we didn`t hang out was because I was busy. He was paying for everything and even carried my backpack for me!He would call me for a last goodnight, he was pleading to come by my house to see me just for 5 minutes. I thought it was super cute. I was impressed. The only thing that I was if-y about was that we would make plans 1-2 hours before the actual date & the fact that he didn`t really ask much about me. Then on Saturday he asked if I wanted to have wine with him at his place, I refused saying it was too early for that. Sunday we got together, he was noticably "colder" towards me. He gave me a "driving" lesson for fun and we had coffee. As we were having coffee we kissed and he was holding my hand. Then he suddendly push me away and said in a very disrespectful manner he didn`t like sucking faces in public. While I understand it, that was definitely not going on and I got sad. He apologized and said I have the permission to kiss him. Then out of the blue he annonces he will be out of town for 2-3 days to see his parents. He said he might be back earlier even.

 

Fast forward he did go, only to come back 4 days later with a lame justification about it. But he was constantly texting, sending videos and photos. Once he pushed me to send him a phot of mine wearing my home clothes and when I rejected he was pissed. During that time I asked him on the phone if we were exclusive and he said yes. Mind you I was always holding back, not being needy, pushy or anything like that. I kept my cool. The Saturday he returned we had drinks and a steamy session at the back seat of his car and he was pushing for sex. I declined. When he drove me back home I said, let`s go eat together tomorrow! He said he wasn`t sure if he had other plans etc, but he asked if I was open to going by his place for wine. I accepted not thinking much of it. Next day, I went to his place, we had great sex, he ordered chinese and we watched a movie. He drove me back home. Some red flags appeared: him downgrading my place of origin, my education ( I have a masters degree in Theology and speak 4 languages at proficiency level + 2 I taught myself), he would call me puppy and little kid because he said I`m so agreeable, he would sacrastically mimic my mannerisms , he liked to play poker online but swore he had stopped it and he was not in good terms with his dad because he deceived him and ate up a huge chunck of money in the past. He also had souvenirs from his ex littered around the house.

 

Next morning he was nowhere to be found. It was 2 in the afternoon and I called him to see if he was ok. He was annoyed because I woke him up and that in his eyes I was overreacting. The next day we went out but later than our usual dates. He was soooooo distant, faint kisses, not looking me in the eyes, not holding my hands as tight as before. He emphatically said he had to call his boss and went out to call him, although the place we were at was pretty quite. I saw he replied to a fb message but quickly deleted the conversation as I approached him. I asked him why he was so distand and that we can talk it through in a very calm and sympathetic manner. He said he didn`t like that I jump into conclusions, that if it happens again it would be over between us and that he sees a really dark side to my character. He suggested we go back to his place but that his sister would be there and I got excited I would meet her. She never appeared and he got disappointed I was on my period and could have sex. Although once again he pushed for it.

 

The next 2 days he was cold and distand, his texts were shorter and he wasn`t calling at all. He cancelled our dates on both those days and I got to know because I asked! I called him to understand what`s happening because I saw all these things as red flags and my gut screamed that something was off. I swear I was calm, my voice was pretty low, I was just trying to talk things through asking him if he would like to continue seeing me in the future. At first although he confirmed we were exclusive he was annoyed,cold and answering with few words. Then he said that us having sex meant nothing, that he doesn`t like my character, that he doesn`t want to waste time on me and that I remind him of his ex and called it off. I asked for both of us to take some time, relax and for a final meetup so that we would talk things through like grown ups.I apologized if I was upsetting him and that I don`t want to stop seeing him. He refused and said that he doesn`t want any more contacts with me and that if he changes his mind, he`ll let me know... This happened on January the 23. We are no contact ever since.

 

My point is, was I overreacting? Did I push him away or was this the right call? Also, do you think he`s coming back? Everyone is telling me I was right in my approach and that I have to be so agreeable and stand up for myself and my standards. But what if I lost a good man?

Thank you.

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Unfortunately it sounds like it was just hooking up. This is a lot of drama for a few hookups Do you go to college or work? Try to meet guys in better places than nightclubs.

Last month I met a guy in a club.Then he said that us having sex meant nothing, that he doesn`t like my character, that he doesn`t want to waste time on me Also, do you think he`s coming back? Everyone is telling me.....

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I don't think you're overreacting. The signs were there from the beginning that he wasn't exactly 'nice,' but you overlooked them because you were into him. You don't actually know him and should be skeeved by any stranger who makes condescending/disparaging remarks towards you. He came on strong in the beginning because he wanted to have sex with you. The moment you had sex with him he turned off the charm and now you're just stuck with the slag. This is his natural state. The charm was extra effort. Don't expect any validation from him. And don't worry about losing him. That would actually be a good thing.

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@wiseman2 Thank you for replying! I know everyone had alarmed me that he was a player, that even before this all happened. I`m 25 years old, have succesfully completed my studies, I work in as a secretary for a big law firm, make a good salary, have a loving family, have property of my own and in my spare time I go to the gym and take pole fitness classes. So it`s not that I don` t have a life, on the contrary. I pushed back my life for him. My problem wasn`t that he had other plans, or that he was out with his pals, that goes without saying. But here`s the equasion :

 

distance + postponing plans because his water boiler was taking a long time+ cancelling plans last minute for friends + cancelling plans last minute for having beers with his boss = I`m pissed.

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@Jibralta Thank you so much for the reply! It puts me to rest feeling I haven`t lost my sense of logic... I`ve been gaslighted before and I once more was questioning myself. But all the people around me, plus my instict said the same things you said. I don`t want him back, it`s just the feeling of wanting a small "revenge" as in you turn him down this way around. But it`s pretty pointless...

"This is his natural state. The charm was extra effort." Yeah, you had a lightbulb going up my head right now! Whenever he was "zen" as he said, or whenever I would disagree or didn`t conform to his wants he wouldn`t go cold, instead he would let go of off his extra effort. Bless you I`m already feeling better!!!!:D

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I don’t think you are overreacting, he sounds like a player who wanted to get laid. He was trying hard at the beginning so he could get what he wanted. Players do this, they are super charming at the beginning, and then the mask comes off. I’d block his number, you don’t need him in your life.

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Don't over-invest in guys you pick up in clubs. Just move forward. If you tend to get this obsessed, make an appt with a doctor for an evaluation. Do mood disorders or drinking run on your family.?

 

This seems disproportionately intense for a guy you hooked up with for a month. Get into some quality activities and get on some quality (paid) dating apps.

I`m 25 years old, I work in as a secretary for a big law firm. I pushed back my life for him. I`m pissed.
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Exactly. Date for a while before sex. This way you rule out the players and get to know someone better. etc.

he sounds like a player who wanted to get laid. He was trying hard at the beginning so he could get what he wanted. Players do this, they are super charming at the beginning, and then the mask comes off. I’d block his number, you don’t need him in your life.
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How can I tell if I was overreacting?

... I`m heartbroken.

 

Over a few booty calls with a nasty liar? Yep, overreacting.

 

Use the experience to your advantage. My takeaway would be that I value myself enough to want to get to know someone well before having sex with him. Anybody who doesn't want to stick around long enough to (just) date me for that screens himself right out so I won't waste time on him.

 

Then you won't overlook things like lying and mistreatment, because you're screening lousy dates OUT, not sleeping with them and trying to bond with them.

 

Head high, and raise your bar.

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This kind of thing is not unusual at all.

 

Two people meet, they initially think they've found "the one", they are overjoyed, over the moon, feeling giddy. But as time passes and they spend more time together, they start seeing other sides to one another and realize that this person isn't what I thought or they see traits they don't like after all.

The giddiness fades and things fall flat.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, he didn't do anything wrong. It was just a mismatch. It seemed like maybe it could be a good thing, but in the end, you two are not compatible and he was the one to end it.

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The reason why I don't agree with him being a player is...players don't spent weeks on end to get laid. The try it once or twice, but go to another girl if she's not into it.

This guy texted, and full on dated you for a decent amount of time. He made loads of effort. To me, that's not things a player would do. They're not interested in putting in that much effort.

 

It sounds to me more like the chemistry just wasn't there and more and more incompatibility issues kept coming up.

 

You two were not a match.

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I agree -simply not a match. Why is it "judging" to choose not to date someone who doesn't have the educational background/employment you feel comfortable with? Dating for a relationship requires judging whether the person is right for you. Bad judging is assuming someone is inferior as a person because of his level of education - you're just declining to date someone who might not be a good match for you. In this case you overlooked a ton of red flags, had some fun and it didn't work out -happens a lot!

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The reason why he sounds like a player to me is because they had 5 dates in one week which seems too much. Then he went hot and cold, and then he was pushing for sex. And I've known a few guys/players who can stick around for some time, and they date/hook up with several girls at the same time. But then again maybe it's me, and I see players everywhere :smug:

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Agree with Sherry and Batya.

 

Don't think anything good comes from deploying the "player" term in this case, or in most. For a moment in time, both of them were excited, while also probably making mental note of "red flags" of various shape and size—things about the other person that rubbed them a bit. He called it off, as is allowed. A universal dating story, in short, not a story of a woman being "played" by a snake.

 

Sorry about this, as it's always a bummer when things don't work out. Good news? It means you are now free to keep exploring and connecting and finding someone with whom it works. This guy hardly sounded like a great catch, but more of an experience to better tune your red flag meter for future dating experiences.

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First of all good men don't lie and don't cut you down, put you down, or otherwise insult you. Really need to wrap your head around that.

 

Second, you really really need to take away an important lesson from this experience - never ever confuse this level of intense pursuit for anything genuine and never fall for that again. It should scare the life out of you and send you running for the hills when you meet a man who will act like he does. Why? Because the types who engage in this kind of hot and heavy, high pressure, messing with your head, hot/cold pursuit are psychos, conmen, narcissists, and other assorted disordered personalities. In other words people you do not want anywhere near you, let alone in your life in any way. You see that, you block and delete next time.

 

You really need to rethink how you understand dating and what healthy interest looks like because this was a huge red flag and a total no from the minute you met.

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Don't think anything good comes from deploying the "player" term in this case, or in most. For a moment in time, both of them were excited, while also probably making mental note of "red flags" of various shape and size—things about the other person that rubbed them a bit. He called it off, as is allowed. A universal dating story, in short, not a story of a woman being "played" by a snake.

 

My point, exactly.

 

You both were excited about this at one time. He changed his mind.

I'm not saying he didn't end up showing bad qualities or that you weren't both judging one another. I'm mainly pointing out that it ended up being a case of incompatibility.

 

No reason to start vilifying due to it not working out as you had hoped it would.

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Not that anything you could've done would've spelled success with this guy, since he's not good bf material, but my advice for future dating is to not spend more than two days a week with a guy at the beginning, and limit the texting. More than that is too much, too soon. Keep up with your hobbies, time with family and girlfriends, alone time, etc. Perhaps if you'd done this, you wouldn't be feeling heartbroken after only 30 days.

 

When I was a teen, a few guys lied to impress me. That's kids stuff. He's 30 and lied about his income. Take ownership of your mistakes of avoiding red flags because he was cute. He insulted you and you're here writing about how upset you are about the breakup. You have a lot of work to do on boosting your self worth, or you will continue to ignore red flags and stick with toxic men. Read some books or articles on how to accomplish this.

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Not that anything you could've done would've spelled success with this guy, since he's not good bf material, but my advice for future dating is to not spend more than two days a week with a guy at the beginning, and limit the texting. More than that is too much, too soon.

 

I agree with this, every time a man wanted to spend too much time with me at the beginning, it didn't end well - they were either possessive/jealous, or just wanted to hook up.

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I am sorry but this guy IS a player. I personally know two guys that will spend months on a woman to get in her pants for a few weeks and then disappear or turn into such a jerk the woman dumps them. These guys have several women they are juggling at the same time to increase their odds and are always on the look out for another. They use women for sex and will say and do anything to get it.

 

They certainly are not friends of mine but I have seen them in action over the years and they are pretty much how you described this guy. I once tried to clue a really nice woman in to who she was dealing with and she got really mad with me so now I stay out of it.

 

I think in your mind this is a big deal because you wanted this to be more than it really was and when reality showed its ugly head you felt the loss of what you had hoped for, not for what was real. If you accept he was a lying jerk that just wanted sex then I would imagine you would feel relieved he is out of your life not upset about it.

 

You sound smart with a good life so take this as a learning experience and the next time pay attention to those red flags. When a guy builds you up and then suddenly gives you a negative comment (called a NEG ) for players it is designed to keep you off balance and wanting to please them so you will get a positive comment. Notice I said "please them" which is what they want which is ultimately sex. Think of it this way; what would any guy that really wanted to date you and be in a relationship with you cut down any part of your life or you personally? It is the opposite of what most people do. They go out of their way to not say something stupid and try very hard to put their best foot forward especially early on.

 

This guy really is only good for one thing and that is a lesson learned...

 

Don't waste anymore emotional real estate on this guy, he simply is not worth your time.

 

Lost

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Don't set aside your life for anyone. I don't understand why you would do this. I presume you got excited about the prospect of a new boyfriend so you chose to put way too much of your focus on him. Being "busy" two days out of all the days he contacted you last minute to see you isn't really much.

 

You won't need to fast track the right man. You'll both be on the same page if it's the right man.

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