Long Distance Romance Over.....or is it? - From A Dumpers view

Hi all,

Apologies in advance, this is going to be a fairly long post but I want to get as much off my chest as possible.

I want to tell you my story about how the perfect relationship can go sour, and if anyone with a neutral head on can see a way back in the future.

I met the most incredible girl (we all say that don't we!) last August in Budapest. I was on a stag do (not mine!!) and she was travelling with some friends. We hit it off immediately in a conversational sense and exchanged numbers.

She lived around 150 miles from me so it was tough from day 1. Also there is a 7 year age gap which adds another spanner to the works. I don't think either of us felt it had potential to be serious when we first started talking.

We spoke every day non stop pretty much up until today, including her going to Australia for 7 weeks back in October. We just made it work. We would find a way of contacting one another as much as we could.

Normally these things are a recipe for fizzling out after a few weeks/months but this was different. We clicked. We knew what we were getting into in terms of the long distance and were both willing to make it work.

We would meet up when we could, travelling to meet half way, or little weekend breaks together. It was great, and I couldn't have been happier.

All this was happening whilst I was going through the process to join the police. It was always something I had wanted to do and finally I plucked up the courage to do it.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and finally my application was accepted and I was given my official start date. I was extremely proud and relieved at making it through.

However, and this is where the scratching of my head comes in. After a few days of being told I had got into the police I started to have some lingering doubts about how this would now work between me and my girlfriend. My doubts were:

Huge drop in salary (I am in a well paid job currently but career is more to me than that)

Change of working hours (I can come and go with my current job so easy to book time away etc)

She doesn't currently work full time due to her searching for full time work (she graduated last year) this obviously concerns me as working patterns will be different.

Change of career (I have worked in retail my whole career!)

I had an honest conversation with her today (after a few days really getting wrapped up with horrible feelings) and I said I needed some space to think about things and mull everything over, but we pretty much agreed it would be tough to continue. We were both in floods of tears and are completely gutted by this. It was amicable and I would like to think we could still carry on talking once the dust has settled a bit.

I am absolutely crazy for this girl and cannot imagine myself with anybody else, yet I have this urge to push her away and start my new career with no doubting and clear headed.

Has anyone got any thoughts on why I may have changed my mind from being such a happy guy in a loving relationship dealing with the long distance, to now doubting everything?

I personally see myself rekindling in maybe a year or so time once everything has settled down but could this be a normal reaction to a break up?

Head is all over the place! Thanks for reading,

Joe90

You've changed your mind from a happy guy in a loving LDR to doubting everything because reality suddenly hit you upside the head. Infatuation or love is only temporary when it's impractical.

Not to burst your bubble but rekindling in a year is living in dream land. Any time there is too much geographical distance, traveling inconveniences, hassle coupled with transitional employment or job search while trying to make a LDR work, eventually exhausts itself.

Even though no one enjoys breakup, reality needs to set in and then sad emotions will dissipate.

Since your head is all over the place, calm down and think reasonably and logically. Then this will all make sense to you.

You've been telling yourself from day one that this is not going to work and listed some pretty frivolous reasons for it like living an hour apart or 7 year age difference. Why you tell that story to yourself is probably worth exploring. From the outside in, you always had one foot out the door so much so that there is no surprise that you finally took the other foot out as well.

Somewhere you got to be honest with yourself about your own issues and choices. On that note I'm scratching my head wondering why you going into police means needs you need to break up now? People who are way busier than you date, have relationships and marriages with kids. It honestly sounds like she isn't your one and you aren't ready for anything serious and that's ok but own it.

I think you like her well enough, but don't actually have deep feelings of love for her.

Hence, things were fine when it was relatively light and easy but when the going got tougher, you lost interest. You're not wrong to feel that way, but from my point of view, it's your gut telling you that you aren't genuinely that serious about her. My sense is that if you were really serious about her, you would not risk losing her for good by breaking up with her.

And as someone else said, rekindling in a year when it's more convenient for you is a very unrealistic prospect. Chances that she will have long moved on and her feelings won't be the same, and neither will yours.

The change in your life has changed the dynamic in your relationship and added an additional challenge on to an already challenging set of facts. It may be too much to weight for the relationship to bear. If the connection was strong enough that it was something you both wanted to work for, you may be able to find a way. But it sounds like that might not be what the two of you want at this juncture. Only your head and heart knows for sure. The answer to that will require some honest soul searching on your part.

You've been telling yourself from day one that this is not going to work and listed some pretty frivolous reasons for it like living an hour apart or 7 year age difference. Why you tell that story to yourself is probably worth exploring. From the outside in, you always had one foot out the door so much so that there is no surprise that you finally took the other foot out as well.

 

Somewhere you got to be honest with yourself about your own issues and choices. On that note I'm scratching my head wondering why you going into police means needs you need to break up now? People who are way busier than you date, have relationships and marriages with kids. It honestly sounds like she isn't your one and you aren't ready for anything serious and that's ok but own it.

Thanks for getting in touch, I appreciate your honesty.

The age difference is a short term thing in that she finished uni last year so hasn't got herself into full time work yet, and with my career change it takes me away from a stable well paid job with the ability to take time off when I wanted to go and see her.

The reason for breaking up because of the job change is that my hours will turn to shift work so it makes it incredibly tough to continue with seeing each other, alongside her currently searching for full time graduate jobs which will limit her availability. I have never been one for blocking out doubts or stress and the fear of the relationship potentially not working has caused me to end it now. I can't go into that job not being fully focused because of my relationship. That's why I left the door open with it as I am crazy about her and do see us having a future together, it just needs me to do my thing, and her to do hers for a bit.

It really was amicable, and she understood the reasoning behind it (she also had some doubts before Christmas) it is almost like the old cliche of right girl, wrong time.