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We could be friends ?


copperjug

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My husband and I have been together 35 years. We are retired and spend a lot of time travelling. We have a good life and no money worries etc.

My husband is much more outgoing that me and he particularly enjoys the company of women, he has had one affair that he admits to, this was around 20 years ago. He has probably had more flings and has certainly been emotionally unfaithful down through the years. He doesn't find me attractive and we don't have a sexual relationship, He describes me as his best friend and says he loves me but isn't in love with me.

Around 6 months ago I wanted to leave and looked for a flat on my own, however he talked me out of that.

 

I like him and enjoy his company and together we have fun travelling and a fairly good lifestyle. I think my life would be less rich and less fun without him. I think my live could be good if I wasn't emotionally attached to him and wonder if we could live together as friends rather that husband and wife as this is the only difficult bit of our lives.

 

Does anyone continued to live with their partner like this rather than separate ? Looking for advice and support please...........................

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It sounds as though you have both found an arrangement, while unorthodox, that you are both ok with. However it would be wise to see an attorney, financial planner and CPA to protect your assets in the event that one of his affairs results in divorce. It may be wiser to divorce before he does or altogether, but you need to consult an attorney without his knowledge. He may want you stay as a free housekeeper etc. Stop acting like a wife.

 

Do get your own place however even if you stay legally married and casually date. This may also allow you to have flings and affairs. Make sure you are financially sound and put everything in trusts. Do not name him as a beneficiary on any accounts or policies. The only problem with your arrangement is that he could divorce you at any time if one of his flings threatens to leave. Check all your accounts and credit scores. You have no idea how much he spends on women or if he supports them with marital funds.

My husband and I have been together 35 years. We have a good life and no money worries etc.

 

He has probably had more flings and has certainly been emotionally unfaithful down through the years. He doesn't find me attractive and we don't have a sexual relationship, He describes me as his best friend and says he loves me but isn't in love with me.

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You've spent 35 years turning a blind eye to his flings, because the arrangement/relationship worked for you both. So now that you are both retired, enjoying life, traveling and the whole fling thing is going to turn to nothing simply due to age....why do you want to change? Sounds like you want to bolt the barn door long after the horses have left.

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You can explain to him that you two can live separately and still have a friendship. Staying is denying you a chance to have a romantic companionship with someone else. Also having your own space will give you the opportunity to rediscover yourself as an independent individual....to spread you wings so to speak.

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What kind of "friend" is that? Goes behind your back and breaks vows and pours emotional energy into other women. Thinks you're unattractive. Your low self esteem is why you've stayed. Please know you're deserving of someone who is crazy about you and is faithful. If you want to travel, do so with a girlfriend, instead of an unethical con artist. Why is he a con artist? He charms you you won't leave because it will hit him hard financially, I'm assuming, if you divorce. Or, are you the gravy train and breadwinner, and he'll lose out in that way?

 

I'm assuming you have at least another 30 years on the planet. Do yourself a huge favor and create a whole new life without him. It will take building your self esteem, being strong against his wish to hang onto you, getting what's rightfully yours financially, and building a fulfilling new life. Whether it be through seeking therapy, reading books on how to successfully divorce, and get new hobbies, friends, and one day, a new life companion if that's your wish. Keep us updated. Take care.

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I like him and enjoy his company and together we have fun travelling and a fairly good lifestyle. I think my life would be less rich and less fun without him.
Then what pray tell is the issue?

 

I think my live could be good if I wasn't emotionally attached to him and wonder if we could live together as friends rather that husband and wife
You are currently living as friends so again I ask: IWhat is the issue here?
as this is the only difficult bit of our lives.
What is so "difficult?" You've admitted that your life wouldn't be as fulfilling without being in his life, you are currently living as friends already and there is no indication why you think you should live outside the marital home.

 

Are you wanting to have lovers and don't want to cheat? I'm not seeing what the dealio is here for you?

I also don't understand how anyone commiserating with you and telling you that they are living with their husband as friends is going to satisfy anything you're anxious about????

 

So what is REALLY going on with you is the question.

 

I'll add that I'm not in the same boat as you are but I have been with my hubs for over 40 years and I'll tell you, if I was in your boat and as content as you make it sound that you are, I'd certainly not want to start dating in this day and age of uncommitted men (especially in your age range), with the candy store online dating crap, not to mention taking a chance on having to unlearn men who have been enabled to be turds most of their lives. (by sadly, women like yourself who turn a blind eye to their husbands debauchery)

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How could he "easily just keep her out?" How so? Enquiring minds need to know. :)

 

Meaning - typo I guess -he could meet someone who knocks his socks off and file for divorce. Far more likely than with a couple who is romantically involved in a marriage. So she should protect herself in advance.

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Meaning - typo I guess -he could meet someone who knocks his socks off and file for divorce. Far more likely than with a couple who is romantically involved in a marriage. So she should protect herself in advance.

 

Protect herself how? Emotionally? Financially? Both?

 

Anyway, they have been together for 35 years and he talked her out of getting her own apartment so it doesn't sound like he'd leave her even if he did find "the other woman." If he did leave her, he'd be doing her the favor of not having to do it herself and she'd likely get half of everything they own. (at least).

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Protect herself how? Emotionally? Financially? Both?

 

Anyway, they have been together for 35 years and he talked her out of getting her own apartment so it doesn't sound like he'd leave her even if he did find "the other woman." If he did leave her, he'd be doing her the favor of not having to do it herself and she'd likely get half of everything they own. (at least).

 

Honestly I simply was agreeing that in a situation where one spouse is cheating on the other, there's a long marriage and a potential imbalance in financial wherewithal it can't hurt to consult with an attorney so she knows what to expect and if there's damage control she can do in advance. But sure you're entitled to your opinion -I'm not sure why it's such a big deal for her to consult with someone.

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Honestly I simply was agreeing that in a situation where one spouse is cheating on the other, there's a long marriage and a potential imbalance in financial wherewithal it can't hurt to consult with an attorney so she knows what to expect and if there's damage control she can do in advance. But sure you're entitled to your opinion -I'm not sure why it's such a big deal for her to consult with someone.

Its not a big deal to "consult with someone" but the question was "how can she protect herself" which you just now answered... via an attorney.

 

Thanks for answering.

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If this man had not cheated on her a long time ago would everyone's advice remain the same?

 

IMO what she's got going on now is working on some level, they seem to get along, they travel together well, it's not like there's fighting and battles regularly. Of course we only know what she told us. She hasnt said anything about wanting to have an affair or find a boyfriend etc. Perhaps separate bedrooms could work and they could lead their lives as they see fit.

 

Knowing your financial status is crucial to all men and women, because you never know what will happen. I dont see any point in her moving out at this time.

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If this man had not cheated on her a long time ago would everyone's advice remain the same?

 

IMO what she's got going on now is working on some level, they seem to get along, they travel together well, it's not like there's fighting and battles regularly. Of course we only know what she told us. She hasnt said anything about wanting to have an affair or find a boyfriend etc. Perhaps separate bedrooms could work and they could lead their lives as they see fit.

 

Knowing your financial status is crucial to all men and women, because you never know what will happen. I dont see any point in her moving out at this time.

 

I have to agree and as I said in my first post, she hasn't presented anything but how happy she is with him living together as friends which they are currently doing so why change it up?

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Its not a big deal to "consult with someone" but the question was "how can she protect herself" which you just now answered... via an attorney.

 

Thanks for answering.

 

Yes - I agreed with Tattobunnie who I thought suggested this in the first place -an attorney.

Everyone should know his or her financial status whether married or single. In a situation where a marriage is at higher risk of instability for whatever reason it's often even more important as I've seen with friends and family (luckily, not personally!)

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Yes - I agreed with Tattobunnie who I thought suggested this in the first place -an attorney.
Yes and my response was "how could he easily keep her out" what does that even mean. It doesn't matter what "keep you out" even means at this point because the Op is by all accounts quite happy in the status quo so why change it. She's married so "keep you out" seems moot in it's simplicity.

Anyway, this is just getting circular so I'll bow out of any further discussion regarding "keep you out" or "protect her how."

Cheers.

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You have a lot of time and experience invested in this marriage, so the bottom line becomes whether or not you can stay and be happy with the status quo. You have to be honest with yourself about that question. If the answer is yes, then stay. If it's no, then leave. If it's too complicated, then also, I would leave.

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Google and research "Grey Divorce". It refers to the situation you are facing. Not everyone divorces but many have become roommates. Again the most important thing you can do for yourself is review and bulletproof all your financials with the help of an attorney and CPA. Do you have kids?

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Since you've been married for a very long time, you need to ask yourself several important questions. Both of you are financially comfortable.

 

Can you financially survive without your husband? Do you have the means to live independently? Are you willing to sacrifice your standard of living? Will you struggle financially? Those are some hard questions you need to ask yourself.

 

I agree with others, consult a financial advisor and an attorney. Investigate what your options are.

 

If you can survive comfortably on your own, then seek your own financial independence.

 

If you're not willing to give up your financial comfort, financial stability and traveling, then your husband is a package deal meaning you have to force yourself to take the good with the bad. Some people can't have their cake and eat it, too. Sometimes there is a catch or strings attached in relationships. That's the reality of some marriages.

 

Always remain financially realistic and there's your answer.

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My sister is in a similar dilemma. She's married to a real jerk. However, she's not willing to sacrifice her affluent lifestyle nor end up as a struggling single parent as my mother was. That's simply not an option for her as she has already lived it.

 

Therefore, for some wives, it's either put up or shut up. There's the door. If you can't make it on your own financially, you're hosed.

 

For your sake, I hope you can weigh your options if you have any regarding your financial independence, if possible.

 

As for remaining friends? 'Man's best friend' is better IMHO.

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Around 6 months ago I wanted to leave and looked for a flat on my own, however he talked me out of that.

Hi Copperjug,

If you thought about exit the relationship and even live on your own then there is much more to share about your relationship than what this post offer. if you tell us more about why you wanted to leave, we will be able to offer you much better advices.

 

1. What is it that you don't like about your relationship?

2. He's "allowed" to have multiple affairs but what about you? does the same rule apply to you? Or Does he expect for you to remain faithful?

3. Would you like to get to know a nice man and fall in love?

4. Do you feel that you're not living your life but living his? Letting him lead because you "depend on him"?

5. How does it affect your self esteem to know that "he's not attracted to you" "is not in love with you anymore"? does it kill any hope you would have to be desired and loved by any man in the futur? Is it one of the reasons why you stay?

 

you say: I think my live could be good if I wasn't emotionally attached to him ...He says he isn't in love with me...

This quote makes me feel that you're still loves him like a spouse, and you wish you were not that attached to him and able to love him like a friend.

You cannot wish your feelings to change. You cannot live your life on COULD. you have to work with what you really feel and take the best decision for your well being. not take a decision according to what your feelings should be.

I hope you can answer those questions

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