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Thread: So many lies

  1. #1

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    So many lies

    Ok the guy I'm dating now. We are both in our 30's. And have been together for over 2 years not quite 3. We both have some issues. He has adhd and he told me he has mild autism. And he has a little speech impediment but not bad. I have ADD as well and avoidant personality disorder. I also have terrible insecurities. And am very insecure. A lot of it comes from me being picked on all through school as a kid. But even though we both have issues. We both love one another deeply. And out of all the guys I've been in a relationship with. I can tell he loves me the most. And is so good at showing me how much he loves me and cares for me. And in my eyes he is definitely the one. And I want to spend the rest if my life with him. Also He has been married before. For 4 years. And he has some ex girlfriends. And he stayed friends with all of his ex girlfriends. But he gave them up for me. Because of my insecurities. I didn't ask him to. He chose to do it. Because he knew it bothered me with my insecurities. But I would have never told him he couldn't have them as friends. But here's the thing. He has a problem with lying. He tells lies. And he did confess to me. That the lying started when he was a kid. He said he would lie about stuff like. He would break something and deny doing it. And blame it on someone else. Or he would open his Christmas gifts before he was supposed to. And then deny doing it. Saying someone else did it. He did these things as a child growing up. So he has told me lies as well. The first lie he told me was that he got me an engagement ring. And he even sent me a picture of it. But he never got me a ring. And he finally came clean about it. Also I have a respiratory disease. And he told me he quit smoking when we first met. Because he said he thought that would be a deal breaker for me. But I had gut feelings he was still smoking. I would see a lighter laying on the floor that he dropped. And before we were living together I would hear the lighter flick on the phone. And him inhaling smoke. So I confronted him and he denied it. And tried to make me feel like I was losing it. And then months later I actually found a smoking device. When we were living together with cartridges. And then he confessed. He also told me he was divorced. And I questioned him. And told him I was going to message his ex wife on Facebook. Which I can't believe I got up the courage to do because of my anxiety. But I did it. And his ex wife. Actually said they are not divorced. And he told me he served her with divorce papers. And this was some years back. And she said he never sent divorce papers. She said she sent him a message saying she needed help money wise to get one. Because she has a kid by another man. And she is on disability. But they can't stand one another. So they don't even talk. But I think he has just been content not to do anything about it. But when he saw how much he hurt me. He went and got the divorce papers. And he is working on getting them filled out. And I assume that's why he lied about buying me an engagement ring. Because he was technically still married. Also one of his ex girlfriends that he blocked. He unblocked her. And her number with out her name was in his contacts. And he claims he doesn't know how it got unblocked. That he doesn't even remember doing it. And he doesn't know how it got back in his contacts. But I think he knows. But the thing is. He would never cheat on me. He only has eyes for me. And he is with me 24/7 when he is not at work. He clings to me. And he even texts me when he is at work. And when I'm away he constantly calls me. So it's not like I think he is cheating or anything like that. He just has issues with lying. He is also very passive and hates conflict. So now when he lies instead of getting upset. I try to give him a safe environment to be honest. So maybe he would feel more comfortable telling me the truth. But it's really affecting our relationship. And I'm having a hard time dealing with the lies. And he tells me he will stop. But they have not stopped yet. And it hurts me deeply when he lies. I am wondering if he is not a compulsive liar. I don't want to end the relationship. Because I've said before I still believe he is the one. And he is the first guy that's ever loved me for me 100%. And I want to stay with him. And make this work. But I need to know how I can get him to stop the lies?

  2. #2
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    OP, you need to break up that wall of text into reader-friendly paragraphs. You'll get more responses that way.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Your relationship is not real, it's all a web of lies. It would be best to end this and move out. He's a pathological liar and apparently still married. Get to a doctor MD for an evaluation and a referral to a therapist. It could help you untangle all this and with the anxiety. Tell friends and family about this.

    Forget his excuses and focus on his need to deceive and hurt you. The lies are deliberately to scam you and to harm you. He enjoys lying to you and in general. He's not "the one". Do some research on sociopaths, see if he fits the description..
    Originally Posted by Me36s
    before we were living together. He went and got the divorce papers. Because he was technically still married. He just has issues with lying. I don't want to end the relationship. And I want to stay with him.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 02-06-2020 at 05:40 AM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Me36s
    But I need to know how I can get him to stop the lies?
    You can't. Nothing you do can change another person. He has to change himself.

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  6. #5
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    You cannot stop the lies. He wonít change. He is gaslighting you by making you feel crazy. That is a sign of abuse. He is controlling you by calling you constantly and making you feel like you are crazy. It is a bad relationship and wonít change. You should leave ó do you have friends and family you can live with? You need to get out of this, thatís the only way youíll finally feel sane again.

  7. #6
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    Look ADHD is one thing but the lying is still unacceptable! You can't really use that as an excuse because most people with ADHD or on the autism spectrum don't constantly lie! In fact I've found people on the autism spectrum that I knew mostly to be very honest and upfront about everything because they just say what they think and feel without filter lol Some of my friends also have ADHD and they don't lie.

    Everyone tells little white lies sometimes which are harmless, like if you don't feel like catching up with a friend and you say you don't feel well, when really you feel fine. But the lies your boyfriend tells are big lies and they are not harmless. Even when he lied as a child that is not normal in most children. Doing things and then blaming them on other people is malicious. And making up that he got you an engagement ring when he didn't is just weird! And everything else he lied about, especially that he was divorced! It doesn't matter if he's not cheating on you. In my opinion the constant lying is basically just as bad. Relationships are meant to be built on trust and if someone lies all the time, then you can't trust what they're saying or trust them in general.

  8. #7
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    Last I checked, having ADHD doesn't make you a compulsive liar. Either you are okay with him constantly lying to you about major things because he cannot be honest or handle confrontation and be accountable, or you need to move on. He's a liar, and he won't change.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Where this is smoke, there is fire. In other words, these are the lies you know of. Just imagine the ones you don't.
    Relationships are built on loyalty, trust and communication.

    You swear up and down he'd never cheat on you, but if he's a compulsive liar how can you trust that he won't?

    Without trust, there is no relationship. At least not one that will last or one that will be without constant drama and conflict.

    You admit you have terrible insecurities. Why would you attach yourself with someone who can't trust to tell you the truth?

    So I confronted him and he denied it. And tried to make me feel like I was losing it.
    < how often does he result to gaslighting you when you catch him in a lie. This is a classic abuse tactic.


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