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Thread: We could be friends ?

  1. #1

    We could be friends ?

    My husband and I have been together 35 years. We are retired and spend a lot of time travelling. We have a good life and no money worries etc.
    My husband is much more outgoing that me and he particularly enjoys the company of women, he has had one affair that he admits to, this was around 20 years ago. He has probably had more flings and has certainly been emotionally unfaithful down through the years. He doesn't find me attractive and we don't have a sexual relationship, He describes me as his best friend and says he loves me but isn't in love with me.
    Around 6 months ago I wanted to leave and looked for a flat on my own, however he talked me out of that.

    I like him and enjoy his company and together we have fun travelling and a fairly good lifestyle. I think my life would be less rich and less fun without him. I think my live could be good if I wasn't emotionally attached to him and wonder if we could live together as friends rather that husband and wife as this is the only difficult bit of our lives.

    Does anyone continued to live with their partner like this rather than separate ? Looking for advice and support please...........................

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds as though you have both found an arrangement, while unorthodox, that you are both ok with. However it would be wise to see an attorney, financial planner and CPA to protect your assets in the event that one of his affairs results in divorce. It may be wiser to divorce before he does or altogether, but you need to consult an attorney without his knowledge. He may want you stay as a free housekeeper etc. Stop acting like a wife.

    Do get your own place however even if you stay legally married and casually date. This may also allow you to have flings and affairs. Make sure you are financially sound and put everything in trusts. Do not name him as a beneficiary on any accounts or policies. The only problem with your arrangement is that he could divorce you at any time if one of his flings threatens to leave. Check all your accounts and credit scores. You have no idea how much he spends on women or if he supports them with marital funds.
    Originally Posted by copperjug
    My husband and I have been together 35 years. We have a good life and no money worries etc.

    He has probably had more flings and has certainly been emotionally unfaithful down through the years. He doesn't find me attractive and we don't have a sexual relationship, He describes me as his best friend and says he loves me but isn't in love with me.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You've spent 35 years turning a blind eye to his flings, because the arrangement/relationship worked for you both. So now that you are both retired, enjoying life, traveling and the whole fling thing is going to turn to nothing simply due to age....why do you want to change? Sounds like you want to bolt the barn door long after the horses have left.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You can explain to him that you two can live separately and still have a friendship. Staying is denying you a chance to have a romantic companionship with someone else. Also having your own space will give you the opportunity to rediscover yourself as an independent individual....to spread you wings so to speak.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What kind of "friend" is that? Goes behind your back and breaks vows and pours emotional energy into other women. Thinks you're unattractive. Your low self esteem is why you've stayed. Please know you're deserving of someone who is crazy about you and is faithful. If you want to travel, do so with a girlfriend, instead of an unethical con artist. Why is he a con artist? He charms you you won't leave because it will hit him hard financially, I'm assuming, if you divorce. Or, are you the gravy train and breadwinner, and he'll lose out in that way?

    I'm assuming you have at least another 30 years on the planet. Do yourself a huge favor and create a whole new life without him. It will take building your self esteem, being strong against his wish to hang onto you, getting what's rightfully yours financially, and building a fulfilling new life. Whether it be through seeking therapy, reading books on how to successfully divorce, and get new hobbies, friends, and one day, a new life companion if that's your wish. Keep us updated. Take care.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I like him and enjoy his company and together we have fun travelling and a fairly good lifestyle. I think my life would be less rich and less fun without him.
    Then what pray tell is the issue?

    I think my live could be good if I wasn't emotionally attached to him and wonder if we could live together as friends rather that husband and wife
    You are currently living as friends so again I ask: IWhat is the issue here?
    as this is the only difficult bit of our lives.
    What is so "difficult?" You've admitted that your life wouldn't be as fulfilling without being in his life, you are currently living as friends already and there is no indication why you think you should live outside the marital home.

    Are you wanting to have lovers and don't want to cheat? I'm not seeing what the dealio is here for you?
    I also don't understand how anyone commiserating with you and telling you that they are living with their husband as friends is going to satisfy anything you're anxious about????

    So what is REALLY going on with you is the question.

    I'll add that I'm not in the same boat as you are but I have been with my hubs for over 40 years and I'll tell you, if I was in your boat and as content as you make it sound that you are, I'd certainly not want to start dating in this day and age of uncommitted men (especially in your age range), with the candy store online dating crap, not to mention taking a chance on having to unlearn men who have been enabled to be turds most of their lives. (by sadly, women like yourself who turn a blind eye to their husbands debauchery)

  8. #7
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    Protect yourself. He could easily just keep you out one day. Go see a lawyer to discuss your options.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Protect yourself. He could easily just keep you out one day. Go see a lawyer to discuss your options.
    Keep her out? They are married and in most places, she'd be getting half of their assets at least... much more if she's never worked.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Protect yourself. He could easily just keep you out one day. Go see a lawyer to discuss your options.
    I completely agree with this advice especially at your age.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I completely agree with this advice especially at your age.
    How could he "easily just keep her out?" How so? Enquiring minds need to know. :)

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