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Thread: Getting her back, 4 year old son

  1. #11
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    SherrySher, thanks. Thats my plan. I just miss them so much now that they are gone that its hard to not want them back instantly. And the fear of her finding a guy and moving on is creeping up on me. But she deserves the happiness if its with me or some other guy.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Then tell her that. Nothing is stopping you from talking to her, expressing how much she means to you and how much you want your family back.

    Tell her as well that you know it's not going to happen in an instant and that you plan to do therapy, read books on parenting, anger management course, whatever it takes to become a better man.

    Then prove it.

    You have to believe in yourself too. No doubt a lot of this behavior comes from you feeling bad about yourself and thinking you're "no good". Work on believing in yourself again.
    You can do this.
    We all believe in you, otherwise we wouldn't bother writing back and giving you advice.

  3. #13
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    Telling her im afraid she will move on with another guy, isnt that pathetic ? She already told me that she is happy and we will never get back. But then we had a good day sunday.

    The only communication we have is about our son at the moment and im afraid of pushing her to much.

    In the beginning after breaking up she felt nausea when thinking about being with me

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So you spent 5 years abusing this woman and now that consequences bit you in the rear you just had this epiphany that abuse is bad? Really? Also, you think that a couple of months and a few therapy sessions and she should take you back because you said you are changed? How stupid do you think she is?

    If you are even remotely serious about fixing yourself, then you are looking at 1-2 years of intensive therapy and work on yourself to actually rewire your brain. This means that you let go of any hopes of getting your ex back and work on yourself because you want to be a better person for yourself. You'd have to make it about you and not a dog and pony show to get your ex back.

    If she sees your work and effort and can see improvement, can see that you are in fact doing what it takes to be better and sustaining it over the long run, then maybe and then again, maybe not. Sometimes there is simply too much water under the bridge. Typically, when women throw in the towel, it's because they've already given you every chance possible, tried their hearts out to make it work and finally got burned out and left. In other words, chances of her taking you back are slim to none. She already told you straight up that she cannot trust you and she is right. Not enough time/work has happened for you to be "a changed man".

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  6. #15
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    Never said she should take me back now. And i didnt choose "now i will abuse her" i have just been like this my whole life and it was only after she broke up i learned what emotional abuse was because she told me

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Communicating your feelings is never pathetic. As long as it's not done so out of manipulation or guilt or force.

    However, don't expect her to react much. After all...it's only words. You will need to do loads of work on yourself and actually change before she will believe anything.

    Dancingfool is right, do this more for yourself and to become a better man for yourself, rather than to do it for someone else. Although I do understand how motivation from wanting something can make a person want to change.

    When and if you do tell her these things. Make sure you're not saying them in hopes of any kind of reaction from her or any kind of offer from her, rather that you want her to know what's important to you but that you still will understand if she decides to go down a different path.
    After all, she has endured a lot of pain.

    More so than anything, become a better man for not only yourself, but for your SON. You are helping to create a man now in more ways than one. Help mold him to be the type of man you wished you would have been, without the mistakes.

    Teach him well. The best way for him to learn, is by example from you.

  8. #17
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    Im thankful for all of your replies.

    Im not improving just for her, if i knew i wouldnt get her back im still going to the shrink cause i have some deep issues from my childhood. Just never thought i needed help, until it got clear how i messed her up.

    I have told her i want her back, and that i will do anything to get my family back, so i dont think theres anymore to say at the moment.

    Now i will focus on having positive drop offs of our kid, and when we eat together i will make sure its positive.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You said she doesnt want child support. You should be putting money away for the child for when he gets older and mother may well decide you owe child support (which you do) so you better have some to pay if she takes you to court for back support for several years.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, since he is your child, give her money monthly anyhow. If she absolutely refuses to take it, put it in a savings for him when he's older.

  11. #20
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    You have spent 5 years telling her you will change. But didnít.
    You canít now say that you didnít realise you emotionally abused her when she has been telling you for 5 years.
    What actually happened is the first time you listened to her was when she finally called your bluff and left you.

    She is not going back to you. It took her 5 years to leave you.
    She only 8 weeks in is not receiving child support from you , her decision for now. But she can change her mind anytime and go to court and get the back payments from you.

    I suggest you contact a lawyer, with yours and hers income details if only to figure what your child support payments are likely to be and put that amount in an account for your son.

    At some point she will start dating again , so it might be best to just do the drop offs and pick ups without having meals together , keep it clean and less confusing for your son.

    Beat of luck.

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