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So, met a girl on online dating 5 years ago. I was looking for sex, she wanted something more. She wasnt my type body wise but personality and face she was perfect. We met up and had sex for some months. She suddenly got pregnant and i tried for a long time to persuade her to get an abortion.

 

She wanted the kid and i tried to be a dad, but i have some issues and i was emotionally abusive for the 5 years we was together. I didnt know emotional abuse was a thing, but now 2 months after she dumped me i completely understand her.

 

 

She has said there will never be a chance again, that she is happy now and 1 month post breakup my friend saw her on tinder.

 

But a couple days ago i went to drop off my kid, and we all went to the beach, had lunch, went to a petshop to look at animals, and then we had dinner together. There was a good vibe. After dinner i thanked her for raising my son alone, i only was with them

every weekend due to long distance and my work. I thanked her and said i didnt blame her for the relationship going sour. Then 30 minutes later she asked if i would want to put my son to sleep, so we all 3 went to bed, and after he fell asleep we laid talking about everyday stuff like work for an hour. Then we talked in the couch and we somehow got on to the subject of me pressuring her to come back. She said "when you always say you will improve and not make me sad, then a couple weeks after you trash talk me and make me sad, how should i trust you"

 

I agreed and said i dont want to be the douchey ex, i want to be a good dad and a friend. I gave her a hug and we said goodbye.

 

I cant help hoping that her feelings will be awoken from times like this, but am i dumb to hope so ?

 

I have been in therapy since the breakup

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Focus on therapy and pay child support on a consistent basis. Leave her alone.

She wanted the kid and i tried to be a dad, but i have some issues and i was emotionally abusive for the 5 years we was together. I didnt know emotional abuse was a thing, but now 2 months after she dumped me i completely understand her. I have been in therapy since the breakup

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I cant help hoping that her feelings will be awoken from times like this, but am i dumb to hope so ?

 

Her feelings are normal and valid.

 

She has spent 5 years hoping your feelings will be “awoken” from times more important than a mere chit chat.

Like when your son was born, when he took his first steps , when he was sick , everything that did not awaken your feelings for 5 years!!? And you suddenly want her to respond to your flippant chat??

 

Leave her to raise “your” biological son and be thankful for that.

 

Don’t stake your claim now! It’s too late.

All you can hope for is that she allows visitation rights.

 

Don’t continue to play the games any more.

Stand up and be a father not a player.

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You dont know how it was, a player ? My feelings awoken ?

 

I loved her for a long time, and all the things like first step and what you say, how dare you assume anything about that ? Chit chat ? Where do you get this ?

 

Maybe i havent explained properly but we had plenty great times, thats why she stayed for 5 years

 

I have him every other weekend and we eat together when we drop him off. And her feelings are valid. I meant her family feelings with me might reappear at new when she sees im changed.

 

Dont play any games

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It's not her her and not for her to decide. It's to provide food clothing, etc for your child. Hopefully she petitions for it on behalf of the child, this way they can garnish your wages put liens on your vehicles/assets and prevent you from renewing your license. So you don't have to worry about being arbitrary about supporting your child.

She dont want child support. I will continue therapy as long as i can
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Therapy is the key word here. You should also be taking an anger management course which will help a lot too.

 

Read some books, books on relationships and books on parenting.

 

Tell her you mean it when you say you want to change for the better and prove it by doing these things, and sticking to it for months/years on end till you do actually change.

Talk is cheap, anyone can say nice words and pretend that they've changed, but if you're still falling back into your same old patterns, you've not changed at all.

It's going to take a lot of hard work...there is no fast and easy way. You have to be willing to put the work in and to change yourself for the better.

 

Don't try to con her again. Mean your words this time and become a better man. Only in time after you've proven yourself to her, can there actually be a chance for you to get your family back.

 

You've broken her heart enough. Do not go back to her or even attempt to, until you've actually changed and can provide her with a good life and bring her and your son happiness and not more tears.

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Then tell her that. Nothing is stopping you from talking to her, expressing how much she means to you and how much you want your family back.

 

Tell her as well that you know it's not going to happen in an instant and that you plan to do therapy, read books on parenting, anger management course, whatever it takes to become a better man.

 

Then prove it.

 

You have to believe in yourself too. No doubt a lot of this behavior comes from you feeling bad about yourself and thinking you're "no good". Work on believing in yourself again.

You can do this.

We all believe in you, otherwise we wouldn't bother writing back and giving you advice.

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Telling her im afraid she will move on with another guy, isnt that pathetic ? She already told me that she is happy and we will never get back. But then we had a good day sunday.

 

The only communication we have is about our son at the moment and im afraid of pushing her to much.

 

In the beginning after breaking up she felt nausea when thinking about being with me

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So you spent 5 years abusing this woman and now that consequences bit you in the rear you just had this epiphany that abuse is bad? Really? Also, you think that a couple of months and a few therapy sessions and she should take you back because you said you are changed? How stupid do you think she is?

 

If you are even remotely serious about fixing yourself, then you are looking at 1-2 years of intensive therapy and work on yourself to actually rewire your brain. This means that you let go of any hopes of getting your ex back and work on yourself because you want to be a better person for yourself. You'd have to make it about you and not a dog and pony show to get your ex back.

 

If she sees your work and effort and can see improvement, can see that you are in fact doing what it takes to be better and sustaining it over the long run, then maybe and then again, maybe not. Sometimes there is simply too much water under the bridge. Typically, when women throw in the towel, it's because they've already given you every chance possible, tried their hearts out to make it work and finally got burned out and left. In other words, chances of her taking you back are slim to none. She already told you straight up that she cannot trust you and she is right. Not enough time/work has happened for you to be "a changed man".

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Communicating your feelings is never pathetic. As long as it's not done so out of manipulation or guilt or force.

 

However, don't expect her to react much. After all...it's only words. You will need to do loads of work on yourself and actually change before she will believe anything.

 

Dancingfool is right, do this more for yourself and to become a better man for yourself, rather than to do it for someone else. Although I do understand how motivation from wanting something can make a person want to change.

 

When and if you do tell her these things. Make sure you're not saying them in hopes of any kind of reaction from her or any kind of offer from her, rather that you want her to know what's important to you but that you still will understand if she decides to go down a different path.

After all, she has endured a lot of pain.

 

More so than anything, become a better man for not only yourself, but for your SON. You are helping to create a man now in more ways than one. Help mold him to be the type of man you wished you would have been, without the mistakes.

 

Teach him well. The best way for him to learn, is by example from you.

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Im thankful for all of your replies.

 

Im not improving just for her, if i knew i wouldnt get her back im still going to the shrink cause i have some deep issues from my childhood. Just never thought i needed help, until it got clear how i messed her up.

 

I have told her i want her back, and that i will do anything to get my family back, so i dont think theres anymore to say at the moment.

 

Now i will focus on having positive drop offs of our kid, and when we eat together i will make sure its positive.

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You have spent 5 years telling her you will change. But didn’t.

You can’t now say that you didn’t realise you emotionally abused her when she has been telling you for 5 years.

What actually happened is the first time you listened to her was when she finally called your bluff and left you.

 

She is not going back to you. It took her 5 years to leave you.

She only 8 weeks in is not receiving child support from you , her decision for now. But she can change her mind anytime and go to court and get the back payments from you.

 

I suggest you contact a lawyer, with yours and hers income details if only to figure what your child support payments are likely to be and put that amount in an account for your son.

 

At some point she will start dating again , so it might be best to just do the drop offs and pick ups without having meals together , keep it clean and less confusing for your son.

 

Beat of luck.

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I didnt know what i was doing, so yes i can tell her that. It probably wont change her mind as you say, but its still the truth. After we had arguments caused by my jealousy or need to control, i thought it was forgotten. Thats why the break up came out of the Blue for me. Cause i thought we had it good, because we did all the stuff we normally do all up until the break up.

 

It was her idea to do the drop offs like this, and her idea that i helped put him to bed the other night. Maybe She's hoping im changing for good this time, who knows

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I didnt know what i was doing, so yes i can tell her that. It probably wont change her mind as you say, but its still the truth. After we had arguments caused by my jealousy or need to control, i thought it was forgotten. Thats why the break up came out of the Blue for me. Cause i thought we had it good, because we did all the stuff we normally do all up until the break up.

 

It was her idea to do the drop offs like this, and her idea that i helped put him to bed the other night. Maybe She's hoping im changing for good this time, who knows

 

You can’t say that you didn’t know you were over jealous and because of that controlling?

If there were NO arguments about that , then you could claim to be oblivious , but she DID argue the point with you.

 

To tell her that you didn’t know what you were doing would be telling her that you haven’t changed.

And that it appears is the truth.

Even on here you are still expressing jealousy.

 

It doesn’t matter whose decision it was to have drawn out pick up and drop offs.

It was a bad idea and one you shouldn’t entertain.

 

Have you started putting aside child support money?

At the moment her not looking for any is her trying to remove control from you.

Eventually she will realise that the child support money is not about control but the cost of raising a child which should be shared.

I wouldn’t force her to take the payments as she will at this point see it as you being controlling , but definitely put it aside , for yours sons sake and for yours.

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Dont know how to phrase it, i didnt know the damage i did, and i felt when we talked about it it all got solved. I know i have been stupid and i have told her i know im responsible for the downfall of our relationship.

 

The drop offs are a good idea cause my son feels better that way. Its him and his parents eating together. And me tucking him into bed might be her wanting to see if i changed. She must enjoy the time also.

 

The child support is under control, yes

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Dont know how to phrase it, i didnt know the damage i did, and i felt when we talked about it it all got solved. I know i have been stupid and i have told her i know im responsible for the downfall of our relationship.

 

The drop offs are a good idea cause my son feels better that way. Its him and his parents eating together. And me tucking him into bed might be her wanting to see if i changed. She must enjoy the time also.

 

The child support is under control, yes

 

5 years of damage does not get undone or solved with a chat about it.

She has chatted to you about it for 5 years. You didn’t care about the damage until now. That does not mean you didn’t know about what you were doing, it simply means you thought you could getaway with your behaviour until you couldn’t. The day she left you.

 

The extended drop offs will only last until she has fully processed everything. It’s a grey area now but will become black and white. When she starts dating another, the drop offs will be when you pick your kid up as she is going out the door.

 

The reality is that you have split up and need to figure out co parenting.

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