Do I end it?

Hey everyone! I’ll try to keep it to the necessities.

I’ve (19F) been with my boyfriend (22M) for three years, four in March, and I really thought he was my soulmate but there’s just some parts I can’t seem to get past and find myself wondering a lot if I should just break up with him. He’s very sweet and caring, always puts me first but he gets very jealous and protective. When we met I had basically lived online for years and lost all real interaction. He messaged me one night after adding me that day asking if I wanted to go for a cruise. I said yes and we were out driving for 6 hours talking about philosophy and whatever else. I’d never do that in a million years but he just made me feel so comfortable and loved and here we are now!

-When we first met I used to talk to a lot of guys on Snapchat and I broke it all off, deleted all of them however there was one guy I sent some nudes in the very beginning of our relationship. For me I’d been doing it for a while so it sounds dumb but in a sense was like okay that’s it done! He asked me and I lied but eventually told him all of that. Last year in June he ended it with me because of that as well as going through a tough time at work and his Nan passing away (we were living in her house whilst it was on the market which I believe added to it.)

-When he broke up with me I moved back home to my parents house (I currently live with his family in their house as I really struggle to live with my mom, being real she sucks.) and got my first real job as a bartender in a club+pub here. I ended up having to leave the job even though I loved it and having my own money and being able to support us because on the days I’d work he would hardly speak to me all day and we’d end up arguing. He eventually told me he hated it because I walked home at 5-6am in a sketchy neighbourhood and couldn’t forgive himself if something happened to me yet he never offered to come and pick me up instead and I always carried pepper spray just in case.

-We have a pretty great sex life but I’ve been woken up multiple times to him doing things to me in my sleep and filming it! Or taking pictures of me sleeping nude. It’s just... if it’s a fetish he could tell me, we’ve explored a lot of each other but why hide it? I woke up to him taking a picture of me the other night, asked him what he was doing and he almost fell into his computer chair and said he was switching from his Xbox to his computer to game but everything was turned off. It makes me so uncomfortable I mean how do you bring that up?

-I don’t use my phone anymore I use our shared iPad to contact my family as he just gets ty with me and constantly watches over me when I do, it’s been at least a year since it was turned on. I hardly use facebook anymore because of it. I understand where his insecurities come from because of what I did in the beginning and lying about it and most of his exes cheated on him or were emotionally abusive but I feel as if I have no social freedom. When we met I was in my last year of school and had three best friends, two girls and one guy. I fell out with the two girls because of him and the guy he never made an effort to even speak to, even in face or face interactions so that friendship just faded. I play WoW and have to hide when I’m online because he gets jealous when I talk to my two gaming friends who are both guys but I just game with them nothing more.

-He never tidies, does any washing or any basic things you’d kind of expect. It winds me up that I feel as if I have to do everything but can’t say anything because as he’s said “everything’s on me I pay for everything”🤷🏽♀️ I hardly ever see my family because he doesn’t like going over there. I dropped everyone and everything for him.

He’s really great but I find myself scared of leaving. I’m aware it’s probably the best thing for me as I’m so young and should be out experiencing things but I know I’m not the easiest to live with, i have a temper and snap at the littlest of things and I feel as if no one else would kind of put up with me like he does but I don’t feel like I can live in his bedroom doing nothing anymore. We have really great plans for the future but nothing seems to be happening to get there. We had a clothing business which I made 90% of the designs for and loved doing but that didn’t work out. He’s in and out of jobs and at the moment he’s in a job where they’re not giving him shifts and are waiting for him to say I quit. He has a car to pay for as well as a motorbike and a lot of debt. It makes me so nervous that if I did end up marrying him one day it would all come back onto me because his attitude to his debt is kind of “ it it’ll be alright” which is kind of his attitude to everything and it’s frustrating. I don’t know if I’m overthinking and being sensitive but I just need to get this out. Thank you for reading and feel free to respond with whatever you feel is appropriate.

Well to start with he’s not a good guy, he videos and takes pics of you without your permission.

He is manipulative and controlling.

But that’s enough about him.

I’m more concerned about you.

It doesn’t matter if your mum sucks. She raised you , she didn’t kick you out and you should not be using others for free accomodation and food.

You should only move out of home once you are fully independent and able to afford the cost of living.

What’s stopping you working? Your bf? No!!

You can get a day job doing retail , anything.

He might not have liked your choice of job , that’s on him to deal with and you to continue doing if you like the work.

But either way you should be working.

“I ended up having to leave the job even though I loved it and having my own money and being able to support us ”

Well unless the money you earned was enough to pay rent on an apartment , pay utility bills and put food on the table before having luxuries like cars or motorbikes , then that’s not sustainable living or supporting at all is it??

I would recommend you move back home , get a job , pay rent to your mum, save money and become financially independent before you even consider moving out again.

Good luck!

Sorry to hear this. Just because things are bad at home doesn't mean you need to live in an unstable on/off situation with a loser like this. Does he use drugs? Are you addicted to drugs? Why put up with this?

Your images could be all over the internet as porn and you're ok with that? Why throw your life away on someone like this to spite your family? Get to a doctor for an evaluation not only for STDs but for your anger issues.

-When he broke up with me I moved back home to my parents house (I currently live with his family in their house as I really struggle to live with my mom, being real she sucks.)

I’ve been woken up multiple times to him doing things to me in my sleep and filming it! Or taking pictures of me sleeping nude.

i have a temper and snap at the littlest of things and I feel as if no one else would kind of put up with me

He’s in and out of jobs

He has a car to pay for as well as a motorbike and a lot of debt.

You are stunting your own development by staying with this guy. Be brave and walk away. You will thank yourself later.

Girl he's not normal. He's treating you like an object not as a person. It has ick factor all over it. I know you are disheartened and scared, but it's time to let a friend or family member know. They will be happy to take you in and give you a place to stay while you rebuild your life. You can do this!

It almost hurts to read this. He's not great at all! I wouldn't be surprised if he'll try to use the video footage and photos of you to control you even further. I'd suggest moving back home, getting a job to save money and become independent, and sign up for some therapy to navigate your anger issues and codependency to this guy. It seems hard at the moment, but you'll look back in a few years thanking yourself for leaving. You're only 19, this is not your last relationship. Other, actually good guys, will put up with you and love you right, if you put the work into yourself first. Meaning, become the best version of yourself, but you won't be able to with this guy.

Get up off your butt, get a job and take care of yourself. If you are having difficulties financially in the beginning, then move home till you get on your feet or find a roommate (a woman roommate).

But staying with this guy is toxic..you know that and you have zero life doing so. You're too young for this nonsense.

Go home, get a job.

When a girl has a bad family life, it's common for her to move out really early with a boyfriend to get away from a toxic home life. Unfortunately, it's often like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. No, he's far from an appropriate partner. Nobody else would put up with you? Well, how about being single for a good long while, while getting help for your anger management? If you can't afford therapy at the moment, at least start reading articles on how to get a handle on the anger and improving your self esteem. Use your phone for learning how to do yoga instead of snap chatting men.

Why exactly don't you get along with your mother? If it's doable, why not live at home and work, plus go to college or take some technical training or continuing education so that you can have a high paying career and never have to rely on anybody for shelter again? You'd be so busy improving your life and preparing for a good future that you'd barely be there, only to sleep. Read some articles on how to deal with difficult people. Maybe it will give you clues on how to be with your mother without clashing.

If you at least worked and couldn't stand to live at home, how about renting a room from someone you have no emotional ties to? At least you can have solo peace of mind without being surrounded by toxic people. Good luck and keep us updated.

He’s really great

He doesn't respect you and has breached your trust by taking pictures of you in your sleep. That is reason enough to not stay in a relationship with someone who would willingly compromise your privacy and your safety. None of this is good for you. Leave and don't look back.

Thank you all for the responses! Your kindness and brutal honesty means a lot.

I’d like to say that I’m not using him or his family for free accommodation and food. It’s better for me mentally to stay there as we have a difficult past that I’m finding it hard to get over. My parents have always said they’d never make me or any of my siblings pay rent so it’s not an issue and never has been.

The money I was making would’ve been enough to sustain me in a shared living household and any necessities I needed. I gave him money a few times for his car insurance but he always said “I don’t want anything from you” -meaning money but took it anyway lol.

Thank you so much! Your opinion means a lot.

Thank you! We both used to smoke weed, me primarily a lot more but I realised about a month ago I was addicted (didn’t want to eat, sleep drink or do anything without it) so we quit together.

I’m not okay with it at all. It’s scary to realise that someone I thought I loved and trusted would do that to me. I mean by telling me I’d try to understand where it’s coming from but he has to stop it.

I have no worries about STDS none of us has been with anyone else since we’ve been together and it’s a work in progress but I’ll get there. Thanks a lot.

Thank you honey! I’ve let my family know most of the situation and they all say I should leave him and build my own life up again. It’s hard to find the way to tell him but I know for sure I want to leave. Thank you for your kind words x

Thank you! It’s hard to realise the person he is from the person he allows me to see. Thank you for understanding I’m dependent on him and not assuming I’m lazy. I’ve spent years with him so it’s hard to find the words to say I want to end it and leave. I understand that and want to live and work on myself while I can. After talking with some family members I realise how much he’s holding me back from living! Working up the courage to do it officially. Thank you for your kind words it means a lot.

Wonder what makes you assume I’m lazy. I want to work and have my own income and life but he’s holding me back a lot.

I’m only just now realising what the relationship is actually like instead of just ignoring the red flags. Thanks for your opinion though.

Thank you for understanding that! At the time it was the perfect escape for me.

It sounds dumb but it’s how I feel. That’s exactly what I want to do but finding the strength and the words is difficult. A big part of me as well, very stupidly, doesn’t want to hurt him by leaving but I understand it’s exactly what I need to do. Also I stopped using Snapchat when we met so it’s not an issue, I used to do it to give me a confidence boost but I’ve grown respect for myself and know it’s not right.

I had severe acne and the tablets I was taking made me suicidal for a few years - it’s somehow a common side effect. She used to just watch me cry and not do anything, she found a story I wrote of me jumping out my window and told me it was very well written and that was all the feedback. She’s a compulsive liar and other personality traits I dislike. Yes she takes care of me but there’s just some behaviours I can’t get past. Her and my dad have been together 20+ years but she has no life outside the family and working but it’s all through her own actions. Without sounding horrible. (I get what it sounds like but my sister also went through the same thing with her when she was a teenager) I don’t want to end up like her and that’s how I see it going if I don’t get out.

I tried college for about a month or so but found myself waking up crying at 3 4am for no reason and it made me plummet. My mental health is much better now so maybe I’ll try it again while I can. I have always wanted to be a teacher and do enjoy studying and learning and using my brain.

Thank you so much darling! Your words mean a lot and I will!

Thank you! It’s taken me a minute but I’m realising this now. Trying my best! I asked him to take me home so I’m with my family at the moment thinking about everything. I’m sure I’ll get there

My words weren't out of judgement or assuming bad things about you. My words were meant to be more along the lines of "tough love" more so to get you out of a place where you are being treated so badly.

I know it might be difficult for you to see, but when a man decides to take pictures and do the things he did to you while you were vulnerable, that's got to be one of the worst things and is borderline rape.

It's not okay.

I am thinking as well that possibly if you were more productive, it would give you a better sense of self esteem and help you not feel so dependant on people who are not good to you.

It will also help give you less time to think of bad things and bad feelings. Keeping busy has a way of doing that and at times, can be helpful.

Lastly, it's also a way to save yourself. Life can be difficult and you do sound like a very strong person who has gotten through a lot. I hope you do find ways to not allow yourself to be treated badly like this anymore.

At the end of the day, it's only you who gets to decide where your life is headed and what people you allow into your life.

You deserve better and I hope you give that to yourself.