She says I'm the right person at the wrong time (LONG POST)

This will be a long one, sorry about that.

I met this girl online three months ago. We hit it off and she seemed invested from the beginning. Suddenly we were talking about personal issues and she brought up how she recently got off a toxic relationship with an abusive ex. And she said she didn't want me to think that she was so broken that she couldn't have a relationship with me (this was about two weeks in of us talking).

One day she blocks me on everything and I called her because I was worried and she tells me she got back with her abuser and he, who was with her at the time, grabbed her phone and threatened to kill me. Over the next few days she constantly texted me and wanted to talk as if nothing happened and told me that after I called, her abuser got mad up to the point where she thought he was about to hit her.

Three days later she went out-of-state to see family for the holidays and FaceTimed me. It turns out that her abuser texted her from random numbers pretending to be me, trying to convince her to cheat on her boyfriend. She apologized for screwing me over and confessed that she didn't know how to end that relationship so I tried to counsel her and she ended things with the guy.

We spent the entire month of December talking and we gradually created a connection. She told me how I had shown her things that her abuser never did, and that she loved me even though she had never seen me in person. We FaceTimed every day, heck we even slept on FaceTime. Meanwhile her ex still texted her from random numbers. Sometimes threatening her, begging her to take him back or insulting her.

We agreed to spend an entire weekend together and even New Year's but when she came back from her trip, she texted me:

"this isn't going to work. I can't say why but I don't need to explain myself. Don't contact me"

And puff! She blocked me again. I tried contacting her for a whole week but nothing. Then she texted me a couple of times to see if I had received her Christmas present and blocked me again.

Then in January she texts me again but I ignored her and she got mad. Three days later she texts me again asking me if I hated her. We talked and I said that I deserved better but I didn't hate her. Then she tells me that she shouldn't have taken me for granted and that she learned a lesson the hard way and is never getting back with her ex again. She wouldn't say why, but I was tired from the game and just tried to counsel her.

Now keep in mind that this girl and I live in different cities, almost two hours away from one another. So when I went to her town to visit a friend, I never expected to run into HER.

But for some reason I did.

We talked in person for a little bit and then she told me she had missed me. The next week she drove to my apartment and we talked about everything. She told me that she went for her ex on that December because she was used to him and he hit her that night and she showed me the bruises. She confessed that she thought of me everyday and wanted to throw it all away for me but she knew she had screwed up. And then she started crying and admitted that she loved me, so I kissed her and we slept together that night as we entered a relationship that lasted almost two months.

Her parents absolutely adored me and so did her best friend. Everything seemed alright until he started getting distant. She explained that she was hurt and was finding it hard to open herself to me after getting out of her previous relationship. We continued to see each other and sleep together, we went on dates but in the final week of our relationship things took a turn when her ex texted her to tell her that he had found someone better and sent her pictures of him and his new girlfriend and how he had proposed to her. Not only that, but she was battling crippling depression at the time and her parents told her they were all moving back to their hometown in Michigan with the rest of their family.

So she had a choice to stay or leave. But I know how close she is with her family so I told her that I loved her and because of it I knew that moving back to Michigan was the best thing for her. She suggested we did long distance until I could move with her and reassured me that everything was going to be ok.

But of course it wasn't.

We went on a date and she cried about how much she hated her abuser. How much he had broken her to the point that she couldn't open herself to me. And that while she was not getting back with him, she still could see his face everywhere haunting her and the memories wouldn't stop tormenting her. So she said "I honestly been thinking and I think I met the right person (you) at the wrong time. And to be honest I need a lot of time to love myself again and work on me without being in a relationship."

So I was understanding and we broke up. She said she was not sure of how she felt about me but still told me that we could give it time and see what happened so we could resume what we had in the future once she got over her trauma and the memory of her ex.

Now I know people are going to say I should move on. But she has a habit of coming back to me and I would like to leave the door open for her once she heals. I really do love her. What do you guys think? Am I living inside a Nicholas Sparks's novel?

If she wanted rid of the jerk bf she could get a new phone # and then he couldnt call or text her. I think she needs some therapy to discover why she allows herself to be treated so badly by this guy and how to get out from under his bad treatment of her. She needs to grow a backbone and stand up for herself and become a strong person.

As for you, I think you need to move on from all of the drama.

I think there are plenty of woman in this world that live close to you and do not have issues that they need to see a therapist to get over. Chicks that have dealt with the issues of ex's and have healed enough and are now healthy enough emotionally and mentally to be a good partner to you.

This woman you have only seen for two months who is off and on with her abuser is NOT a good partner and she likely won't be for a few years and lots of therapy under her belt.

Block and delete her after you tell her that you're moving on as well, wish her luck in processing her issues and then let that be your last contact with her.

If you keep yourself in her life, she will shred your heart one contact at a time. She's damaged goods, son and she needs to be single while she builds up her self esteem, confidence and learns to get away from an abuser at the first sign of abuse. She has none of those attributes at this time.

Love yourself enough to move on from her.

Now I know people are going to say I should move on. But she has a habit of coming back to me and I would like to leave the door open for her once she heals.

Free your mind of her so you can find a healthy gal who wouldn't think of returning or even being with someone that mistreats her. This girl has issues you don't need to be involved in or with.

If you have to ask..... you already know the answer.

Anyway, leaving the door open doesn't mean putting your life on hold and waiting. It means that you heal, move on, and go about your life. If ever at some point she reaches out again, then you can see where you are in life, whether you are still single or not, whether you want to meet her or not, whether you are even interested in her at all or not. With time comes perspective.

As you are learning the hard way, saving a damsel in distress is not very rewarding. Instead of falling into your arms swooning they tend to fly away. If she really honestly takes the time needed to sort herself out, it will take at least a year or two for that. There is also the fact that after she has done all that, you would be the last person she ever wants to see because inevitably you represent a part of a very bad past and quite frankly, it would be downright unhealthy for her to rekindle anything with you as it would take right back to that dark past. You've inevitably become a symbol and a reminder of that past.

So, if ever any kind of a healthy reconciliation were possible, we are talking years, many years down the road. Meanwhile, the whole victim/white knight dynamic makes for a very toxic foundation for a relationship. Seek someone who isn't going through drama and is actually stable, ready and open to love you today as you are. No drama.

Can I ask how old you guys are?

I'm searching hard for a delicate approach to all this—something more nuanced, basically, than "RUN!"—but admit I'm struggling. I could go down the same rabbit hole you've spent considerable time in, dissecting her considerable damage, but I don't think that's as relevant as understanding your considerable attraction to her damage and desire to be the white knight that saves her. What's up with you and going on in your life that you want to rescue a woman you only know in pixels on a screen? I'd spend some time trying to answer that question.

Remove her ex-boyfriend and all that drama from the equation, after all, and what was the glue of your emotional bond? Very little, it seems. She was, and remains, all sorts of twisted up in that guy. Bummer for you, big time bummer for her. But that is the stuff to sort out in therapy, not in romance. I'd say that should be the big lesson here, to date people who are healed, not in the swirls of agony about men who are not you. Step in to that and all you're doing is (a) delaying healing; (b) replacing one form of toxicity with another; and © killing any shot at genuine connection. I'm sure it felt good to feel like the Ultimate Good Guy, but as you've discovered good feelings extracted from bad news comes with serious limitations.

So, yeah, I would do now exactly what you should have done the moment she told you she was still involved with her ex: move on, without looking back. You're already all mixed up with her damage—you stepped in, cast yourself as therapist-savior—so there's no clean slate once she heals. Besides, from what you've described? She is a year or two away from being ready to date in a healthy way, so I wouldn't go into a cryogenic freezer waiting that out. Mourn this, listen to the lessons, reflect a bit about what magnetized you to all this, then date locally in 3D rather than 2D—that's my advice, to chew on as you see fit.

Why do you find this broken, damaged mess of a drama attractive?

You have been living in her emotional rollercoaster and you have become addicted to the highs and lows she has subjected you to i.e. this is an addiction, not "love". She is using you as a safety net to keep going with the abuse cycle she is caught in and she will continue to jerk you around for as long as you allow it. Rinse and repeat. Your choice, and, yes, it's that simple as far as you are concerned. She is caught up in her own addiction and, no, you can't "save" her nor is it your job to try. Loose the white knight syndrome. Nikolas Sparks novels have nothing to do with real life.

Enabling her and allowing her to use you as a stepping stone will not win you any brownie points. At best you will be used as a rebound and in time, be discarded (again). Block, delete, let go and keep walking. Or stay in the rollercoaster and keep getting scr$wed. At this point you have seen how the whole pattern works and you are making informed choices either way.

You need to get some perspective here, what you want in life, you want to be with this person.Only she can save herself from this. Don't get involved in her issues, you will start feeling suffocated, bad, unloved, you will develop your own issues which will need therapy to be honest.

No, this isn't some Nicholas Sparks story. The fact that you mention that, even facetiously, does tell me you've been attempting to romanticize the connection you believe you have with her. But that is a fantasy, not reality.

The reality is actually much simpler. You're the rebound of a girl who is not over her ex, no matter how abusive he was. She is still in love with him, sadly, and not ready to date anyone. You were a nice distraction from the heartache of her recent break-up, but the number of times she jerked you around in favour of her ex should be all the information you need to conclude that she doesn't love or respect you very much. I don't think she's a bad person, nor that she in any way deserves the abuse from her ex, but she is evidently a very mixed-up girl who has a lot of maturing and growing to do. You can't counsel her through that; she'll need to do it on her own.

You and she were not meant to be together for the long run. Don't keep in contact, or you will get hurt again and again.

Unfortunately your relationship is with her on/off bf not her. He seems to be running the show and you are simply on the sidelines watching all this drama unfold. The question is not what her problems are but why you aren't dating healthy available women instead of chasing this broken down mess.?.

he, who was with her at the time, grabbed her phone and threatened to kill me. she texted me:"this isn't going to work. I can't say why but I don't need to explain myself. Don't contact me"

I guess that I really wanted to help her, even if it was not my responsibility and tried my hardest to see her value even when she didn't. What I can take away from this is that I should talk to a lot of women and start learning about the red flags that would indicate unnecessary drama and toxicity. All of that while I work on letting go of the White Knight Syndrome somehow.

I guess that I really wanted to help her, even if it was not my responsibility and tried my hardest to see her value even when she didn't. What I can take away from this is that I should talk to a lot of women and start learning about the red flags that would indicate unnecessary drama and toxicity. All of that while I work on letting go of the White Knight Syndrome somehow.

Good looks like you got this.

I guess that I really wanted to help her, even if it was not my responsibility and tried my hardest to see her value even when she didn't. What I can take away from this is that I should talk to a lot of women and start learning about the red flags that would indicate unnecessary drama and toxicity. All of that while I work on letting go of the White Knight Syndrome somehow.

Good attitude.

Drama and depth are two very different things, almost opposites, though sometimes we can be fooled. Key is to learn that lesson at some point, so we don't get fooled again. Moving forward, perhaps remind yourself that what is attractive and compelling about people is not what they've gone through, but how they handle it.

Think of romance, and romantic partnership, as looking for a teammate with whom to have the best time playing a game. Do you pick someone with a broken leg who refuses to go to the hospital to play basketball with? Is that a recipe for winning? This is kind of the same.

I guess that I really wanted to help her, even if it was not my responsibility and tried my hardest to see her value even when she didn't. What I can take away from this is that I should talk to a lot of women and start learning about the red flags that would indicate unnecessary drama and toxicity. All of that while I work on letting go of the White Knight Syndrome somehow.

But do you understand that you were in effect helping her cheat?

When you started chatting, she was supposedly single and just out of a relationship, but the moment she got back with her ex, you became the side piece in their relationship. It doesn't matter what she was telling you about her relationship or her bf, the part you need to pay attention to is that continuing to talk and tell her to break up with her bf was really wrong on your part and completely out of line. The moment you found out she went back to her ex, your job should have been to step way away and stop talking to her. As in respect her relationship and her choices.....even if you genuinely believe they are toxic choices.

Perhaps make it a rule that you don't get involved with anyone who is fresh out of a relationship and never ever get involved or stay involved with someone who gets back with their ex. Never be a side piece in someone else's drama.

Tip: as soon as you hear "abusive BF" etc....drop them like a hot potato.

I guess that I really wanted to help her, even if it was not my responsibility and tried my hardest to see her value even when she didn't. What I can take away from this is that I should talk to a lot of women and start learning about the red flags that would indicate unnecessary drama and toxicity. All of that while I work on letting go of the White Knight Syndrome somehow.

You have the right attitude moving forward.

Also, don't invest in people you don't know. I realize you eventually did meet up, but there was a lot of false intimacy and high expectations happening before that point. If you can't meet in person soon after meeting online, don't bother.

She's damaged goods, son [...]

Really not trying to hijack the thread, and I mean this with all due respect (totally not in a Ricky Bobby sort of way!!). What do people mean most of the time by "damaged goods"? If by "damaged" in this instance you mean that someone is in the thick of something and need to work through it, I completely agree that we should focus on healing until we can come at something with diligence and without the distraction of a current wound.

On the other hand, while I'm trying to come at this as unbiased as possible, I feel somewhat defensive about it, probably because I'm damaged; and when I read things like this, it makes me think that because I've lived through hells I wouldn't wish upon anyone, that others feel I'm not worthy to be loved. Even though I've spent a significant amount of time working on myself, going to therapy, trying to learn from past experiences so I don't repeat them, I will never be whole because some things stay with us forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and proud of my victories, wins, accomplishments, and I'm at peace with and love who I am; and I've put myself together as best as possible all while continuing to progress, because there's always room for improvement, but that brings me back to this topic: Being damaged, in my opinion, shouldn't mean unworthy of a healthy relationship.

Am I in the minority on this?

Being damaged, in my opinion, shouldn't mean unworthy of a healthy relationship.

 

Am I in the minority on this?

I'll go down this path a bit, as I think it might help OP and others who stumble upon this thread.

Personally, when it comes to terms like "damaged" or "damaged goods" I think what's being described is someone who has not learned to process pain in a constructive manner but instead finds a kind of jagged comfort in being, you know, a mess. Their wounds are worn like badges, touted like trophies, and turned into weapons, in ways, that harm those who come into their orbit. And whether consciously or otherwise, when it comes to romance they are often seeking someone who will validate all that: their pain, their damage, their inability to function constructively. In looking for someone to "cure" and/or "accept" their damage they are, often, looking for someone to inflict pain on without realizing it.

What stood out to me in your post above? Your self-conception as "damaged." That, being frank, would worry me if I was a dating you, exploring dating you. Because my head would go: Why find comfort in that identity? I mean, I can list some pretty impressive "hells" that life has thrown my way, but personally I find those hells to be the least interesting part of my story and identity, especially compared to how I've handled them, grown from them, who I am in the present as opposed to who and where I've been in the past. When I look in the mirror I don't see "damage" but just a human, and a decent one, who has been here and there over the course of 40 years, not all of it so savory. When I was dating I was looking for someone who saw something similar when they sat across from me, not someone who saw "damage." And I'd worry that someone who identified as "damaged" would be incapable of this.

To your question: I think everyone deserves a healthy relationship, if that's what they want from life. But I also think it's a really hard thing to ask for if you don't identify as healthy first. It's like trying to lose weight or get fit by eating candy and sitting on the couch. Me? I've romanticized my own damage here and there, with brooding, Oscar-worthy performances, and I've certainly (unconsciously) connected with people who found said damage compelling, mysterious, hot, relatable, whatever. Fun was had, no doubt, but can't say it was of the healthy variety since the foundation was all about validating unhealthy conceptions of the self. Had to get a little healthier, and see myself as healthy, before I connected on a healthy plane.

All in all, at least the way I see it, we have a choice between calling ourselves "damaged" and calling ourselves "humans." That, to me, is what "self work" is all about: getting perspective on whatever has inflicted some damage, so we can minimize it, demystify it, and return to basic functionality. So maybe it's worth asking yourself what you want from a relationship: someone who appreciates your damage and will serve as mirror reflecting it back to you, or someone who appreciates the way you live your life in the present tense, including how you cope and process the inevitable scrapes that comes with the business of living.

Tying it back to OP: this woman, from day one, announced herself as damaged. She basically said, as people do, "I am a hot mess." From there she displayed the messiness, repeatedly, while asking that it be validated, coddled, understood. He complied. But where did that get everyone? The hot mess just got hotter. How on earth can a foundation built on validating that which is unhealthy magically morph into a healthy dynamic?

Really not trying to hijack the thread, and I mean this with all due respect (totally not in a Ricky Bobby sort of way!!). What do people mean most of the time by "damaged goods"? If by "damaged" in this instance you mean that someone is in the thick of something and need to work through it, I completely agree that we should focus on healing until we can come at something with diligence and without the distraction of a current wound.

 

On the other hand, while I'm trying to come at this as unbiased as possible, I feel somewhat defensive about it, probably because I'm damaged; and when I read things like this, it makes me think that because I've lived through hells I wouldn't wish upon anyone, that others feel I'm not worthy to be loved. Even though I've spent a significant amount of time working on myself, going to therapy, trying to learn from past experiences so I don't repeat them, I will never be whole because some things stay with us forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and proud of my victories, wins, accomplishments, and I'm at peace with and love who I am; and I've put myself together as best as possible all while continuing to progress, because there's always room for improvement, but that brings me back to this topic: Being damaged, in my opinion, shouldn't mean unworthy of a healthy relationship.

 

Am I in the minority on this?

No one is saying you (or anyone else) are not worthy to be loved. But in the midst of this "damage" is not the time to be seeking out a relationship or a romantic connection. Wanting someone to soothe them through a previous (or current) romantic crisis is a very self-centered and frankly selfish desire. It pretty much guarantees the person who is trying to "save" or "help" them a lot of heartache and frustration, as demonstrated by the OP. And oftentimes these people claim to be "done" with the previous person but actually are in no way done. As demonstrated by the woman the OP was trying to form a romantic relationship with.

Can you say you've made the best romantic decisions while in a place of "damage"? I know I haven't. I had a nearly two year relationship with someone who I wanted to soothe me through a breakup I hadn't wanted. It turned out to be a big old mess for everyone involved.

What stood out to me in your post above? Your self-conception as "damaged." That, being frank, would worry me if I was a dating you, exploring dating you. Because my head would go: Why find comfort in that identity?

Pump the brakes, bluecastle. lol. I never said I "found comfort" in that identity. In my request for clarification on the definition of the phrase, I was merely saying that if someone is referring to "damaged goods" as someone who has been through something traumatic, then that is what I am by that definition--and I refuse to live my life by that. When I look in the mirror, I don't see pieces of something broken strewn about, I see a bada$$ who's been through some stuff and come out the other side better than before. The people I date don't know those things about me because there's no need to bring them up--they see someone who is optimistic, empathetic, glass half-full. Even the person I was posting about in the other thread told me he's fascinated by how I'm always "high on life," because I am. Grateful to be here.

Anyhoo, thanks for clarifying!

Really not trying to hijack the thread, and I mean this with all due respect (totally not in a Ricky Bobby sort of way!!). What do people mean most of the time by "damaged goods"? If by "damaged" in this instance you mean that someone is in the thick of something and need to work through it, I completely agree that we should focus on healing until we can come at something with diligence and without the distraction of a current wound.

 

On the other hand, while I'm trying to come at this as unbiased as possible, I feel somewhat defensive about it, probably because I'm damaged; and when I read things like this, it makes me think that because I've lived through hells I wouldn't wish upon anyone, that others feel I'm not worthy to be loved. Even though I've spent a significant amount of time working on myself, going to therapy, trying to learn from past experiences so I don't repeat them, I will never be whole because some things stay with us forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and proud of my victories, wins, accomplishments, and I'm at peace with and love who I am; and I've put myself together as best as possible all while continuing to progress, because there's always room for improvement, but that brings me back to this topic: Being damaged, in my opinion, shouldn't mean unworthy of a healthy relationship.

 

Am I in the minority on this?

Sounds like your definition of damaged goods doesn't really match how people tend to use this term.

Damaged goods means that right now, in the present this person is in a messy situation and they aren't helping themselves, but rather trying to use dating/relationships as a bandage.

To use the topic of this thread as an example - this girl is damaged goods because she was on/off with her bf, but also seeking to date/cheat/pull another guy into this mess. Using people in an unhealthy way because she is unhealthy, aka damaged goods.

Contrast that to a girl who was in an abusive relationship, but she left it on her own, took time to heal, sort out what attracted her to that dynamic, fix herself so she doesn't go for that again, took time to become stable and happy in her life as an individual and then finally set out to date. This person is not damaged goods. She is in fact healthy and ready to be a good partner to the right person.

What happened in your past doesn't make you damaged goods. It's all about how you deal with it, whether you have dealt with it or not at all. Hope that makes sense.