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Thread: She says I'm the right person at the wrong time (LONG POST)

  1. #1

    She says I'm the right person at the wrong time (LONG POST)

    This will be a long one, sorry about that.

    I met this girl online three months ago. We hit it off and she seemed invested from the beginning. Suddenly we were talking about personal issues and she brought up how she recently got off a toxic relationship with an abusive ex. And she said she didn't want me to think that she was so broken that she couldn't have a relationship with me (this was about two weeks in of us talking).

    One day she blocks me on everything and I called her because I was worried and she tells me she got back with her abuser and he, who was with her at the time, grabbed her phone and threatened to kill me. Over the next few days she constantly texted me and wanted to talk as if nothing happened and told me that after I called, her abuser got mad up to the point where she thought he was about to hit her.

    Three days later she went out-of-state to see family for the holidays and FaceTimed me. It turns out that her abuser texted her from random numbers pretending to be me, trying to convince her to cheat on her boyfriend. She apologized for screwing me over and confessed that she didn't know how to end that relationship so I tried to counsel her and she ended things with the guy.

    We spent the entire month of December talking and we gradually created a connection. She told me how I had shown her things that her abuser never did, and that she loved me even though she had never seen me in person. We FaceTimed every day, heck we even slept on FaceTime. Meanwhile her ex still texted her from random numbers. Sometimes threatening her, begging her to take him back or insulting her.

    We agreed to spend an entire weekend together and even New Year's but when she came back from her trip, she texted me:

    "this isn't going to work. I can't say why but I don't need to explain myself. Don't contact me"

    And puff! She blocked me again. I tried contacting her for a whole week but nothing. Then she texted me a couple of times to see if I had received her Christmas present and blocked me again.

    Then in January she texts me again but I ignored her and she got mad. Three days later she texts me again asking me if I hated her. We talked and I said that I deserved better but I didn't hate her. Then she tells me that she shouldn't have taken me for granted and that she learned a lesson the hard way and is never getting back with her ex again. She wouldn't say why, but I was tired from the game and just tried to counsel her.

    Now keep in mind that this girl and I live in different cities, almost two hours away from one another. So when I went to her town to visit a friend, I never expected to run into HER.

    But for some reason I did.

    We talked in person for a little bit and then she told me she had missed me. The next week she drove to my apartment and we talked about everything. She told me that she went for her ex on that December because she was used to him and he hit her that night and she showed me the bruises. She confessed that she thought of me everyday and wanted to throw it all away for me but she knew she had screwed up. And then she started crying and admitted that she loved me, so I kissed her and we slept together that night as we entered a relationship that lasted almost two months.

    Her parents absolutely adored me and so did her best friend. Everything seemed alright until he started getting distant. She explained that she was hurt and was finding it hard to open herself to me after getting out of her previous relationship. We continued to see each other and sleep together, we went on dates but in the final week of our relationship things took a turn when her ex texted her to tell her that he had found someone better and sent her pictures of him and his new girlfriend and how he had proposed to her. Not only that, but she was battling crippling depression at the time and her parents told her they were all moving back to their hometown in Michigan with the rest of their family.

    So she had a choice to stay or leave. But I know how close she is with her family so I told her that I loved her and because of it I knew that moving back to Michigan was the best thing for her. She suggested we did long distance until I could move with her and reassured me that everything was going to be ok.

    But of course it wasn't.

    We went on a date and she cried about how much she hated her abuser. How much he had broken her to the point that she couldn't open herself to me. And that while she was not getting back with him, she still could see his face everywhere haunting her and the memories wouldn't stop tormenting her. So she said "I honestly been thinking and I think I met the right person (you) at the wrong time. And to be honest I need a lot of time to love myself again and work on me without being in a relationship."

    So I was understanding and we broke up. She said she was not sure of how she felt about me but still told me that we could give it time and see what happened so we could resume what we had in the future once she got over her trauma and the memory of her ex.

    Now I know people are going to say I should move on. But she has a habit of coming back to me and I would like to leave the door open for her once she heals. I really do love her. What do you guys think? Am I living inside a Nicholas Sparks's novel?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Ontario Canada
    If she wanted rid of the jerk bf she could get a new phone # and then he couldnt call or text her. I think she needs some therapy to discover why she allows herself to be treated so badly by this guy and how to get out from under his bad treatment of her. She needs to grow a backbone and stand up for herself and become a strong person.

    As for you, I think you need to move on from all of the drama.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Central Canada
    I think there are plenty of woman in this world that live close to you and do not have issues that they need to see a therapist to get over. Chicks that have dealt with the issues of ex's and have healed enough and are now healthy enough emotionally and mentally to be a good partner to you.

    This woman you have only seen for two months who is off and on with her abuser is NOT a good partner and she likely won't be for a few years and lots of therapy under her belt.

    Block and delete her after you tell her that you're moving on as well, wish her luck in processing her issues and then let that be your last contact with her.

    If you keep yourself in her life, she will shred your heart one contact at a time. She's damaged goods, son and she needs to be single while she builds up her self esteem, confidence and learns to get away from an abuser at the first sign of abuse. She has none of those attributes at this time.

    Love yourself enough to move on from her.

    Now I know people are going to say I should move on. But she has a habit of coming back to me and I would like to leave the door open for her once she heals.
    Her "habit" of coming back to you is what you need to block her from doing. If she's not had the psychological therapy she needs then she's not going to be able to commit to you and she will jerk you around like you are a puppet without even realizing she's being abusiver herself by doing that.

    Free your mind of her so you can find a healthy gal who wouldn't think of returning or even being with someone that mistreats her. This girl has issues you don't need to be involved in or with.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    If you have to ask..... you already know the answer.

    Anyway, leaving the door open doesn't mean putting your life on hold and waiting. It means that you heal, move on, and go about your life. If ever at some point she reaches out again, then you can see where you are in life, whether you are still single or not, whether you want to meet her or not, whether you are even interested in her at all or not. With time comes perspective.

    As you are learning the hard way, saving a damsel in distress is not very rewarding. Instead of falling into your arms swooning they tend to fly away. If she really honestly takes the time needed to sort herself out, it will take at least a year or two for that. There is also the fact that after she has done all that, you would be the last person she ever wants to see because inevitably you represent a part of a very bad past and quite frankly, it would be downright unhealthy for her to rekindle anything with you as it would take right back to that dark past. You've inevitably become a symbol and a reminder of that past.

    So, if ever any kind of a healthy reconciliation were possible, we are talking years, many years down the road. Meanwhile, the whole victim/white knight dynamic makes for a very toxic foundation for a relationship. Seek someone who isn't going through drama and is actually stable, ready and open to love you today as you are. No drama.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Can I ask how old you guys are?

    I'm searching hard for a delicate approach to all this—something more nuanced, basically, than "RUN!"—but admit I'm struggling. I could go down the same rabbit hole you've spent considerable time in, dissecting her considerable damage, but I don't think that's as relevant as understanding your considerable attraction to her damage and desire to be the white knight that saves her. What's up with you and going on in your life that you want to rescue a woman you only know in pixels on a screen? I'd spend some time trying to answer that question.

    Remove her ex-boyfriend and all that drama from the equation, after all, and what was the glue of your emotional bond? Very little, it seems. She was, and remains, all sorts of twisted up in that guy. Bummer for you, big time bummer for her. But that is the stuff to sort out in therapy, not in romance. I'd say that should be the big lesson here, to date people who are healed, not in the swirls of agony about men who are not you. Step in to that and all you're doing is (a) delaying healing; (b) replacing one form of toxicity with another; and (c) killing any shot at genuine connection. I'm sure it felt good to feel like the Ultimate Good Guy, but as you've discovered good feelings extracted from bad news comes with serious limitations.

    So, yeah, I would do now exactly what you should have done the moment she told you she was still involved with her ex: move on, without looking back. You're already all mixed up with her damage—you stepped in, cast yourself as therapist-savior—so there's no clean slate once she heals. Besides, from what you've described? She is a year or two away from being ready to date in a healthy way, so I wouldn't go into a cryogenic freezer waiting that out. Mourn this, listen to the lessons, reflect a bit about what magnetized you to all this, then date locally in 3D rather than 2D—that's my advice, to chew on as you see fit.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Why do you find this broken, damaged mess of a drama attractive?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    You have been living in her emotional rollercoaster and you have become addicted to the highs and lows she has subjected you to i.e. this is an addiction, not "love". She is using you as a safety net to keep going with the abuse cycle she is caught in and she will continue to jerk you around for as long as you allow it. Rinse and repeat. Your choice, and, yes, it's that simple as far as you are concerned. She is caught up in her own addiction and, no, you can't "save" her nor is it your job to try. Loose the white knight syndrome. Nikolas Sparks novels have nothing to do with real life.

    Enabling her and allowing her to use you as a stepping stone will not win you any brownie points. At best you will be used as a rebound and in time, be discarded (again). Block, delete, let go and keep walking. Or stay in the rollercoaster and keep getting scr$wed. At this point you have seen how the whole pattern works and you are making informed choices either way.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Spawn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Middle Earth
    You need to get some perspective here, what you want in life, you want to be with this person.Only she can save herself from this. Don't get involved in her issues, you will start feeling suffocated, bad, unloved, you will develop your own issues which will need therapy to be honest.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    No, this isn't some Nicholas Sparks story. The fact that you mention that, even facetiously, does tell me you've been attempting to romanticize the connection you believe you have with her. But that is a fantasy, not reality.

    The reality is actually much simpler. You're the rebound of a girl who is not over her ex, no matter how abusive he was. She is still in love with him, sadly, and not ready to date anyone. You were a nice distraction from the heartache of her recent break-up, but the number of times she jerked you around in favour of her ex should be all the information you need to conclude that she doesn't love or respect you very much. I don't think she's a bad person, nor that she in any way deserves the abuse from her ex, but she is evidently a very mixed-up girl who has a lot of maturing and growing to do. You can't counsel her through that; she'll need to do it on her own.

    You and she were not meant to be together for the long run. Don't keep in contact, or you will get hurt again and again.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Unfortunately your relationship is with her on/off bf not her. He seems to be running the show and you are simply on the sidelines watching all this drama unfold. The question is not what her problems are but why you aren't dating healthy available women instead of chasing this broken down mess.?.
    Originally Posted by StupidRomanc
    he, who was with her at the time, grabbed her phone and threatened to kill me. she texted me:"this isn't going to work. I can't say why but I don't need to explain myself. Don't contact me"

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