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Thread: Not sure how to proceed?

  1. #1

    Not sure how to proceed?

    Hello,

    I have been with my (20F) boyfriend (21M) for about 8 months now and have known each other for over a year and a half.

    We are both going to study abroad together. He bought a plane ticket with his friend when I had clearly asked to fly with him. His reasoning is because he thinks I would bother him so much that he would get kicked off.

    I wanted to live in the same building as him because why not? He said no, he thinks I would never leave him alone but he is living with that same friend. (Different rooms, same building, What I wanted)

    I cannot help but feel incredibly hurt and offended.

    I will admit we have had issues in our past in fighting but that is something I have worked on tremendously. It seems no matter how much effort I put into not fighting him, into just trying to communicate my discomforts, it turns into an argument. It seems like he just reverts to fighting because there is no patience anymore.

    Not to be dramatic but it flat out feels like he doesn't love me, at least not in the same amount that I love him.

    He thought that seeing me four days in a row was too much, he told me he basically needs two weeks to "recharge" from seeing me.

    I do not want to see him everyday but you know at least once a week is okay for me. We live in different states which is why I saw him so many days in a row in the first place.

    Is this normal behavior of a man who truly LOVES his woman? What does a loving man act like? Isn't there more desire?

    Not to mention he is not sexually attracted to me because of our arguments.

    What the do I do? I feel so misunderstood, unloved, am I expecting too much?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He wants a more casual relationship, you want something more serious. He's okay with only seeing you now and then, you want it as full time as possible.

    He's starting to resent you and find you overbearing with how much time together that you want.

    To be honest, it sounds like you want different things and are on different wavelengths. Why keep on being together when it sounds like you won't ever be satisfied with the little time together he wants, and he's going to end up feeling forced to spend time together?

    He doesn't want what you want.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    it flat out feels like he doesn't love me, at least not in the same amount that I love him.
    I think this is your intuition speaking to you.

    This seems to be a case of "He's just not that into you."

    You are chasing someone that is telling you with his words and actions that he is feeling suffocated by your presence.

    In answer to your question... no, this is not the behavior of a man that truly loves and accepts his woman.

    And in answer to your other question... expect more for yourself... not from him, but from relationships in general. Don't settle for being last place.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by jenniferjen
    He bought a plane ticket with his friend when I had clearly asked to fly with him. His reasoning is because he thinks I would bother him so much that he would get kicked off.

    I wanted to live in the same building as him because why not? He said no, he thinks I would never leave him alone

    He thought that seeing me four days in a row was too much, he told me he basically needs two weeks to "recharge" from seeing me.

    Not to mention he is not sexually attracted to me because of our arguments.
    Please, re-read the above.

    This guy is not into you anymore. He barely even seems to like you, let alone love you. Your very presence annoys him, apparently. I would preserve my dignity and walk away now, because I can nearly promise you this relationship isn't going to last much longer anyway.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    As Sherry said, this sounds very much like two people on different wavelengths—two people, in short, who no longer really get along but just exhaust each other emotionally. What you need to feel full, leaves him drained. What he needs, leaves you drained. Zoom out, hard as that is with all the feelings, and that doesn't mean either of you are in the wrong here, but just a match that doesn't quite fit, that has run its course.

    Can only speak for myself, but if my girlfriend said she needed two weeks to "recharge" after seeing me, implying that I'm some energy suck, I would happily extend her a lifetime to recharge away from me. I don't look in the mirror and see an energy vampire, so someone who sees that when they see me is simply not someone to keep investing in. Time to ask yourself if who he sees when he looks at you is how you want to be seen.

    You're both quite young. I don't mean that to sound condescending, but many of us have a number of relationships that help us discover when we really want, and need, from romance. The sooner we can see situations like the one you're in along those lines, rather than trying to extract blood from a stone, the sooner we can learn to let go of connections that have stopped serving us and find those that do. I think you two have stopped serving each other in a healthy way, and that the healthiest thing to do might be to admit that, rather than keep playing tug of war to avoid admitting it.

    You sound like an awesome woman. You should be in an awesome relationship with someone who reflects your awesome right back at you. When love feels like war or litigation there is a chance that what's left is no longer love, but just exhaust fumes.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Yes it does sound like he's pushing you away and he wants a lot more space. Do not latch on to him this way or crowd him this much.

    It would be much better to have your own friends, roommates, interests, activities and broaden your horizons. When you laser focus this much on someone it can seem suffocating and clingy.

    Overall he is just not that interested. You could find much better guys to date if you stopped chasing men who continually reject you.
    Originally Posted by jenniferjen
    I had clearly asked to fly with him. His reasoning is because he thinks I would bother him so much that he would get kicked off.
    I wanted to live in the same building as him because why not? He said no, he thinks I would never leave him alone
    He thought that seeing me four days in a row was too much, he told me he basically needs two weeks to "recharge" from seeing me.
    Not to mention he is not sexually attracted to me because of our arguments.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Yes you are unloved....this is why you need to go find someone else.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    This might have had a different outcome if you handled your end differently.

    When someone pushes, the person on the receiving end typically retreats.

    Just curious what would have happened had you not insisted on wanting to be his neighbor and spending less than 4 days straight with him?

    His fighting you about these things gives him the space he is asking for.
    He says you bother him on so many levels. Is there anything to be learned by this?

  10. #9
    I do not insist on seeing him for 4 days straight, it kind of just happened. He just told me to stay another night because it was getting late. Was originally only supposed to be two days. Also, what bothers me about him not being my neighbor is how he says he needs to "recharge" from me but seeing his friend everyday is not a bother.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jenniferjen
    I do not insist on seeing him for 4 days straight, it kind of just happened. He just told me to stay another night because it was getting late. Was originally only supposed to be two days. Also, what bothers me about him not being my neighbor is how he says he needs to "recharge" from me but seeing his friend everyday is not a bother.
    I need to recharge from spending that amount of time with my boyfriend and neither one of us sees it as an issue.
    Does he spend 24 hours a day with his friend? And a friendship doesn't require as much from someone as an intimate romantic one.
    Never the less, you aren't listening to what he's trying to tell you.
    You both have different ideas and needs when it comes a relationship. You either compromise or find someone better suited.

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