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Boyfriend with bad habits/issues I am unsure what to do


Sunshine6789

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Hello! I am a 27 y/o F and my boyfriend is 30/M we have been together almost 2.5 years now and live together.

 

I initially fell in love with him for his sweet hearted nature. He is usually very gentle and does whatever he can to make me happy, has an awesome personality, outgoing, attractive and works hard ... I love this side of him.

 

Unfortunately with time I have come to the realization that he has this other side to him that I am not okay with.

- He had been smoking cigarettes when I met him (I didn’t know at first) . I made it clear I work in the health and wellness industry and I’m not okay with that. He quit and it was gone for a solid year and a half. Unfortunately the last year I have been catching him doing it behind my back. It’s not just cigarettes. He’ll do the ecig, regular cigs, even black and milds. There is no rhyme or reason to it and it’s not an every day or even every month thing. Anytime i catch it on his breath he blatantly lies and denies it which just infuriates me because I can clearly smell it on him. I have made so many threats to leave him over this, major arguments but continue to catch him doing it once in a while. In the industry I work in if he was seen doing this by someone I know it would not only reflect poorly on me but be incredibly embarrassing. Every time I catch him he stops for a while then eventually I catch him again, especially making up weird excuses as to why he needs to leave. It’s the break down of my trust and blatant lying to my face that upsets me the most.

- the next problem habit is smoking weed. Also has been doing this since we started dating. He says it helps with his anxiety but he is so zonked when he is high he constantly is telling me the same stories over and over again bc it fks with his memory. I have less of an issue with this but it is illegal where we live so he deals with very sketchy people to get it and always also behind my back which I don’t like. He quit for over a year because he had to pass a drug test to get his job and has started back up again

- he drinks to excess- he is the type that will go to the bar by himself and sit there and drink for the night. This was his routine before we met . I see this as alcoholism. I enjoy drinking socially with friends but i don’t think drinking alone like that is ok. Any little bit of alcohol i leave lying around he will slurp down. He prefers to drink while doing anything like this weekend “let’s drink while we clean the apartment”. He gets extremely sloppy when he’s drunk. I finally got him to go to a couple AA meetings after he was so sloppy I had to carry him out of a bar. Yesterday he fell asleep drunk on the couch and peed the couch. I used to be a big partier but as I have entered my later 20’s my priorities have changed and prefer not to spend my days hungover. My dad and brother are both alcoholics and I see how much strain it places on our family. I worry this will be my cross to bear as well if I stay with him.

- he has a bad temper- especially when drinking . But drinking not necessary. He blows up out of no where. Last weekend he threw and freshly bought pizza on the ground because he was mad I wanted to walk home instead of ubering. The other night he couldn’t get into our apartment bc the buzzer was broken and told me he got so mad he started punching the buzz box and injured his hand. Another day he creeped into my phone and saw a picture of me with this random weirdo kid, legit thought it was a secret boyfriend or something and punched the granite counter top. He cools off from his anger pretty quickly and always apologizes but I worry the violence will only continue to grow. I tell him he has anger problems and needs to get help but won’t. He knows this is a problem.

- last, with all of his bad habits he also has a spending problem. He’s 30 years old and has no savings. What comes in goes right back out. He is constantly eating out and will even lie to me about this too because I am always telling him to stop eating out so we can save money. He hides this in the same way he hides the cigarette habit, making excuses to go out. I want to marry a man that I feel I can count on to take care of me if needed (not pay my bills We split 50/50) but knowing that he is responsible and could help to support me if needed. Unfortunately it’s the opposite and I have had to help cover his bills at times in the past.

 

These are all things I pine over constantly. I know we’re getting close to getting engaged and I don’t want to go there with the state of how things are currently. It’s sad because we are best friends and everything is great until one of these issues arises. I think a lot of it boils down to immaturity but I’m at the point where I can’t keep saying I’m going to leave then getting walked on again. I’m so beyond frustrated hence why I’m resulting to a forum of strangers to help. I think another part of this that is hard for me is that I have really been working to better myself in the past few years. I listen to pod casts, read self-help books, am constantly learning, growing, stopped drinking as much, started exercising more than ever, eating healthy, in the best shape of my life etc.

while he is just stagnating and often holding me back- begging me to go out drinking/eat out / smoke weed with him etc. I want a partner that encourages me to be my best and i feel all he does is slow me down. But i love and adore him 😩

Thanks for your thoughts and for reading.

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You love and adore the man you want him to be.

 

The real man in front of you probably does have his good qualities, as most people do, but he also evidently has serious anger management and substance abuse problems. He is not the man you wish he was, and at a certain point, you need to ask yourself why you haven't put your money where you mouth is and left. Easier said than done, I know, but you would be wise to step back and reflect on your own choices here too.

 

You can't change him. You can't make him want to quit smoking, or weed, or booze. He isn't intrinsically motivated to change his behaviour, and thus you two have this toxic parent-child relationship with you do most of the emotional heavy-lifting. It's not sustainable in the long-run, and certainly not the foundation for a healthy marriage. I am relieved you recognize that getting engaged any time soon would be incredibly unwise. Your relationship is in no place to take that step and expect anything more than what you currently have, only on a more permanent basis.

 

Personally, I think you need to be willing to set yourself free. You two don't appear to be very compatible on key issues, and these issues are the kind that can easily break a marriage. If you decide to stay, know that you are signing up for a very bumpy ride. That anger inside him would scare the hell out of me and make me fearful of the day he will turn it directly on you or your hypothetical kids. Is that the sort of future you imagine for yourself?

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He honestly doesn't sound like a keeper.

 

You cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself. And it is great that you are working to better yourself, but if he does not share this belief, and wants you just to party up with him, then why are you even considering getting engaged to him? He has to want to change for the better and for himself, not because you think he needs to, nor to stay with you.

 

For me, these red flags are not things that he can right easily and quickly, and can often turn into lifelong addictions and habits. And, they can grow and get worse.

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Sorry to hear this. Do you rent or own? Co-own or both on the lease? How long ago did you move in together? It's not about your job. It's about incompatibility and living together. Don't move in with anyone expecting them to change. He has multiple substance issues and you need to sever your ties and move out or ask him to move out.

 

You are with a dangerous abusive alcoholic pothead. The is nothing "sweethearted nature, gentle or awesome" about this. Stop trying to fix, change, doctor or mother him. There is nothing to "adore or love" about violence and food and pee everywhere. He's not a puppy, get rid of him.

live together.

 

 

- He had been smoking cigarettes when I met him I have made so many threats to leave him over this

- the next problem habit is smoking weed. Also has been doing this since we started dating.

- he drinks to excess- he is the type that will go to the bar by himself and sit there and drink for the night.

Yesterday he fell asleep drunk on the couch and peed the couch.

- he has a bad temper- especially when drinking He blows up out of no where. Last weekend he threw and freshly bought pizza on the ground because he was mad I wanted to walk home instead of ubering.

 

punched the granite counter top. I worry the violence will only continue to grow. I

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I am concerned you are just "pining" over these major red flags. How would you feel if he did something like this in front of your friends or family? At your wedding because wedding days can be pretty darn stressful even if you don't have a large reception.

 

This is not about immaturity. At all. These are signs of serious internal issues he has and he is self-medicating. My father was bipolar and had a bad temper. But. He was willing to go to therapy regularly, willing to take his meds, worked so so hard at his profession and also had a big heart. So the bad temper -I can remember certain episodes for sure - but because he was willing to work on himself i'm sure it was so much better. It wasn't about immaturity -he had a chemical imbalance. I am not saying your boyfriend does -not a doc and even if I was I'd never diagnose someone ever but if he's not willing to get checked out and he doesn't see a problem with his anger issues/self-medicating/chronic lying/poor daily living skills, etc then that is your answer. No pining needed. And please do not tell me you're considering starting a family with him.

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This is a case of him wanting to do these things and you not wanting him to, but forcing him to not do them, yelling at him, expecting change and making threats/demands.

 

It doesn't work, I'm sorry to say, but it does not and it will not work...ever.

 

People have free will, they can do as they please. So can this man. If he chooses to do these things, your only choices are to accept it or not. That's your free will.

But understand that you cannot force or coerce someone to stop doing something they clearly want to be doing.

 

There is not other options. It's as black and white as you can get.

 

Accept this mans habits or don't. But fighting with him and threatening isn't going to give you want you want.

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You do realize your empty threats to leave are meaningless when you don't follow through, right?

 

You do realize acting like his mother is completely ineffective, right?

 

You do realize that if someone needs to "change" they're wrong for you, right?

 

Why do you want to sentence yourself to a lifetime with an alcoholic pothead with anger issues? Are you "afraid to be 'alone'"?

 

Can you list what you love about him RIGHT NOW? Not things he did in the beginning, but right now?

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OP, he is 30 years old, not 18. He isn't immature, he is a fully grown adult and he is living how he chooses and acting how he chooses. His choices do not align at all to what you want in life and in a man. This guy isn't immature, he is a full blown addict. If you don't want to live with an addict, then you dump him today.

 

With being an addict comes everything you describe - lying, sneaking around, compulsive spending habits, assorted highs and lows and drama. If he is still functional enough to hold down a job for now, it won't last much longer because he is a pretty advanced addict. His temper, mood swings, rages, physical violence - his brain is already not only affected but damaged permanently and getting worse and will continue to get worse with time.

 

You describe him as a gentle soul and then proceed to talk about how he rages and punches things to the point of self injury. That's not a gentle soul, OP, that's a violent man who will eventually end up punching you. Punching objects is one of those big indicators of what's to come and is more than a red flag, it's a flashing neon sign for you to get out and get away from him while you still have all your teeth. I'm not being dramatic. Please google this and educate yourself.

 

Most importantly, you cannot fix him, change him, or save him from himself. You also need to stop telling yourself stories about who you want him to be or that he will just somehow grow out of this and face reality - this is who he is. If you stay, you are signing up for an addict and all the drama and destruction that comes with it and you won't have to wait long because he sounds about half way into the gutter already. Think like stage 3 cancer. If you want to have a hope of helping him, then dump him. You can't fix him and you staying and trying to control and mother him only works in reverse as it enables him to carry on while resenting you for trying to tell him no. Most addicts literally have to find themselves face down in the gutter to finally decide that maybe they need to get help, buuuut.....for absolute majority, the addiction is stronger and they'd rather die than quit. In other words, don't date an addict hoping that they'll change. They don't and even if they do, it's a life long problem and danger of relapse that never goes away.

 

Bottom line is that you got involved in exactly what's familiar. You mention that your dad was an alcoholic and here you are, dating one and contemplating marriage to an addict. GTFO is my advice to you and I hope you take it. You also need to take a good look at yourself and what's motivated you to stay in this relationship and tell yourself tall tales about how he is really a good guy when you should have recognized an addict and run away screaming a long time ago. Like...when he first lied about smoking. If you want marriage, family and a normal, happy, healthy family life....you've got some work to do on yourself as well in terms of learning to recognize who is and isn't a good partner. This guy you are with isn't even close.

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You also need to take a good look at yourself and what's motivated you to stay in this relationship

 

Yes, as sad as it is, old, unhealthy patterns have a way of feeling familiar and ensnaring a person once again in it's sickness.

 

If you don't want repeats of what you've lived with, OP, you need to break free of it and choose a better life. You can do that, and it starts with finding a healthy partner who has no addictions.

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I am concerned you are just "pining" over these major red flags. How would you feel if he did something like this in front of your friends or family? At your wedding because wedding days can be pretty darn stressful even if you don't have a large reception.

 

This is not about immaturity. At all. These are signs of serious internal issues he has and he is self-medicating. My father was bipolar and had a bad temper. But. He was willing to go to therapy regularly, willing to take his meds, worked so so hard at his profession and also had a big heart. So the bad temper -I can remember certain episodes for sure - but because he was willing to work on himself i'm sure it was so much better. It wasn't about immaturity -he had a chemical imbalance. I am not saying your boyfriend does -not a doc and even if I was I'd never diagnose someone ever but if he's not willing to get checked out and he doesn't see a problem with his anger issues/self-medicating/chronic lying/poor daily living skills, etc then that is your answer. No pining needed. And please do not tell me you're considering starting a family with him.

 

This. It will get progressively worse until he decides he wants to change things, and as much as you love him... there is nothing you can do to stop it.

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What everyone else said.

 

Time to realize you are in love with the fake guy he portrayed himself as and then turned back into who he really is once he was sure you were on the hook.

 

The next punch might be you...

 

I know it isn't easy but the fact that you are here means you know what needs to be done and just needed to hear it from others. Well now you have so start planning the break up right now.

 

Lost

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You love and adore the man you want him to be.

 

This.

 

I'm not going to ring the alarm bells on this behavior, as that's pretty low-hanging fruit. What concerned me, reading your post, is your own behavior: this urge mold him into someone he clearly is not and has never shown signs of genuinely being.

 

I'd really reflect on that instinct, what's behind it, and why having control over another's evolution and development is so important to you. Do you feel that if you could turn him into a non-smoking, social-drinking, money-saving, self-help-oriented man it would validate your own path and choices? Is your own sense of maturity dependent on being able to "mature" another? Do you want to be with someone who shares your lifestyle and views on wellness, or someone you see as a prime candidate for conversion and/or rescuing? Questions worth exploring.

 

People do not like to be scolded and molded by other people. Generally speaking, they will reject this, double down on the very behavior that upsets another in order to feel like an autonomous individual. You see this in children with overbearing parents. You're seeing it, I think, inside this dynamic, where you have taken on the role of pious parent and cast him in the role of wayward adolescent. You've been most happy when he submits to your way of living, upset when that doesn't hold. Missing in all that? Sharing your time, life, and emotional energy with a fellow adult you naturally accept and respect.

 

I know it's hard, facing all this, given your feelings, history, and hopes. But I think now is the time to really focus on your own growth rather than on making that growth connected to growing him up. He will make whatever choices he wants to make, go down whatever roads he wants. If those choices and roads don't jibe with your own path and nature, the mature thing to do is own that, fully.

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Nobody else can prevent you from wasting your life trying to police someone else, so I'd consider that you'll never get any wasted time back to live over again, and make the right choice for yourself.

 

Some people are best loved from far away. If the guy ever wants to make changes on his own, he can let you know once he's succeeded--but waiting around to try to enforce a change will only buy you resentment that's equal to the resentment he'll hold for you. Not a great strategy for planning a future with anyone.

 

Head high, move forward, and you will thank yourself later.

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Next time you let him know how much you don't care for these habits, just know you have now become a `lion with no teeth'

 

Meaning, you keep drawing a verbal line about what you will not tolerate,but you don't ever act on it.

 

He does these things because he can and you've shown him repeatedly that you won't actually do anything about it. So, by you still being there, you are in a sense tolerating it. To him it's just become noise.

 

From what you are sharing things are not only not getting better, but your list of undesirables keeps getting longer.

 

You have decision to make and you need to actually act on it.

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Where did you find this loser?

 

You certainly can do better!

 

He's nothing but a hot mess! He smokes cigarettes, smokes weed, drinks, has a bad temper, could care less about his physical and mental health and the bottom line is YOU need to exit the relationship permanently! :eek:

 

Regarding his temper, his brain cells are fried due to his awful habits.

 

You can't change him. If you want to improve your life, you need to leave him. Then in the future be more careful and choose a high quality, very moral, healthy man whom you deserve.

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Obviously, not only have your threats fallen on deaf ears, he continues to hold a free pass to repeat his actions towards you, without having to face any consequences. What a deal!

 

I'm sure you realize there's no future with him, it is what it is, and he is what he his. Hopefully you'll make the right choices.

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I have made so many threats to leave him over this,
Then he knows your word means chit. If you are so frustrated that you make unenforced threats of that nature then you should leave him after he does it a second time... not just keep nagging him but continuing on in the status quo.

 

He's a smoker and as a former smoker, it's not so easy to quit and it takes most people at least three times of quitting and starting again before they finally give it up.

 

I suggest you leave him if you don't like a smoker and find someone that has never smoked or has quit for at least two years before you agree to date him.

 

He's not a "loser" he is a man that has a tobacco addiction who treats you well (I'll assume) when you're not trying to control him/parent him. He likely loves you however; you are incompatible and your NAGGING will do nothing to convince him to quit He won't quit (as you've learned) until he (at the very least) has suffered the consequences of his actions in some way and it gives him the motivation (nagging isn't that) or when he is sick or just sick and tired of it and gives it up of his own accord.

 

I want a partner that encourages me to be my best and i feel all he does is slow me down.
Then leave him to his habits and find someone who is happy with who he is. You owe both him and yourself that much.

 

Tell us, do you find his anger rears its ugly head when you've chastised him to the point of no return? I wonder!

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Puppies don't smoke but they do pee on the furniture destroy stuff and throw food around, so that may be a better option. Puppies aren't alcoholics who rage and scream and break everything, though. But puppies do offer love and when they pee on stuff or break stuff it isn't because of abuse and alcoholic raging..

I suggest you leave him if you don't like a smoker and find someone that has never smoked

He's not a "loser" he is a man that has a tobacco addiction who treats you well when you're not trying to control him/parent him. He likely loves you

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Puppies don't smoke but they do pee on the furniture destroy stuff and throw food around, so that may be a better option. Puppies aren't alcoholics who rage and scream and break everything, though. But puppies do offer love and when they pee on stuff or break stuff it isn't because of abuse and alcoholic raging..

... Huh? 0.o

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He had been smoking cigarettes when I met him (I didn’t know at first) . I made it clear I work in the health and wellness industry and I’m not okay with that

 

But your actions told him otherwise.

I am not okay with smoking. So...I am not okay with smoking. If you smoke, you never get to ride in my car, you never get to kiss me, you never stay in my home. You don't have to change -- i just choose to not allow you to get too close. If I was looking for someone to date, it won't be you. You said you can't have smoking around you -- but really, you tolerated it

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What everyone else said.

 

Time to realize you are in love with the fake guy he portrayed himself as and then turned back into who he really is once he was sure you were on the hook.

 

The next punch might be you...

 

I know it isn't easy but the fact that you are here means you know what needs to be done and just needed to hear it from others. Well now you have so start planning the break up right now.

 

Lost

 

He's not fake -- he is exactly who he advertised himself to be -- she told him what type of guy she doesn't date and instead of saying NEXT - she merely told him and continued with him.

She was doing her own duping

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