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Thread: Boyfriend with bad habits/issues I am unsure what to do

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You also need to take a good look at yourself and what's motivated you to stay in this relationship
    Yes, as sad as it is, old, unhealthy patterns have a way of feeling familiar and ensnaring a person once again in it's sickness.

    If you don't want repeats of what you've lived with, OP, you need to break free of it and choose a better life. You can do that, and it starts with finding a healthy partner who has no addictions.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I am concerned you are just "pining" over these major red flags. How would you feel if he did something like this in front of your friends or family? At your wedding because wedding days can be pretty darn stressful even if you don't have a large reception.

    This is not about immaturity. At all. These are signs of serious internal issues he has and he is self-medicating. My father was bipolar and had a bad temper. But. He was willing to go to therapy regularly, willing to take his meds, worked so so hard at his profession and also had a big heart. So the bad temper -I can remember certain episodes for sure - but because he was willing to work on himself i'm sure it was so much better. It wasn't about immaturity -he had a chemical imbalance. I am not saying your boyfriend does -not a doc and even if I was I'd never diagnose someone ever but if he's not willing to get checked out and he doesn't see a problem with his anger issues/self-medicating/chronic lying/poor daily living skills, etc then that is your answer. No pining needed. And please do not tell me you're considering starting a family with him.
    This. It will get progressively worse until he decides he wants to change things, and as much as you love him... there is nothing you can do to stop it.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    What everyone else said.

    Time to realize you are in love with the fake guy he portrayed himself as and then turned back into who he really is once he was sure you were on the hook.

    The next punch might be you...

    I know it isn't easy but the fact that you are here means you know what needs to be done and just needed to hear it from others. Well now you have so start planning the break up right now.

    Lost

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You love and adore the man you want him to be.
    This.

    I'm not going to ring the alarm bells on this behavior, as that's pretty low-hanging fruit. What concerned me, reading your post, is your own behavior: this urge mold him into someone he clearly is not and has never shown signs of genuinely being.

    I'd really reflect on that instinct, what's behind it, and why having control over another's evolution and development is so important to you. Do you feel that if you could turn him into a non-smoking, social-drinking, money-saving, self-help-oriented man it would validate your own path and choices? Is your own sense of maturity dependent on being able to "mature" another? Do you want to be with someone who shares your lifestyle and views on wellness, or someone you see as a prime candidate for conversion and/or rescuing? Questions worth exploring.

    People do not like to be scolded and molded by other people. Generally speaking, they will reject this, double down on the very behavior that upsets another in order to feel like an autonomous individual. You see this in children with overbearing parents. You're seeing it, I think, inside this dynamic, where you have taken on the role of pious parent and cast him in the role of wayward adolescent. You've been most happy when he submits to your way of living, upset when that doesn't hold. Missing in all that? Sharing your time, life, and emotional energy with a fellow adult you naturally accept and respect.

    I know it's hard, facing all this, given your feelings, history, and hopes. But I think now is the time to really focus on your own growth rather than on making that growth connected to growing him up. He will make whatever choices he wants to make, go down whatever roads he wants. If those choices and roads don't jibe with your own path and nature, the mature thing to do is own that, fully.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Nobody else can prevent you from wasting your life trying to police someone else, so I'd consider that you'll never get any wasted time back to live over again, and make the right choice for yourself.

    Some people are best loved from far away. If the guy ever wants to make changes on his own, he can let you know once he's succeeded--but waiting around to try to enforce a change will only buy you resentment that's equal to the resentment he'll hold for you. Not a great strategy for planning a future with anyone.

    Head high, move forward, and you will thank yourself later.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Next time you let him know how much you don't care for these habits, just know you have now become a `lion with no teeth'

    Meaning, you keep drawing a verbal line about what you will not tolerate,but you don't ever act on it.

    He does these things because he can and you've shown him repeatedly that you won't actually do anything about it. So, by you still being there, you are in a sense tolerating it. To him it's just become noise.

    From what you are sharing things are not only not getting better, but your list of undesirables keeps getting longer.

    You have decision to make and you need to actually act on it.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Where did you find this loser?

    You certainly can do better!

    He's nothing but a hot mess! He smokes cigarettes, smokes weed, drinks, has a bad temper, could care less about his physical and mental health and the bottom line is YOU need to exit the relationship permanently!

    Regarding his temper, his brain cells are fried due to his awful habits.

    You can't change him. If you want to improve your life, you need to leave him. Then in the future be more careful and choose a high quality, very moral, healthy man whom you deserve.

  9. #18
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Obviously, not only have your threats fallen on deaf ears, he continues to hold a free pass to repeat his actions towards you, without having to face any consequences. What a deal!

    I'm sure you realize there's no future with him, it is what it is, and he is what he his. Hopefully you'll make the right choices.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I have made so many threats to leave him over this,
    Then he knows your word means chit. If you are so frustrated that you make unenforced threats of that nature then you should leave him after he does it a second time... not just keep nagging him but continuing on in the status quo.

    He's a smoker and as a former smoker, it's not so easy to quit and it takes most people at least three times of quitting and starting again before they finally give it up.

    I suggest you leave him if you don't like a smoker and find someone that has never smoked or has quit for at least two years before you agree to date him.

    He's not a "loser" he is a man that has a tobacco addiction who treats you well (I'll assume) when you're not trying to control him/parent him. He likely loves you however; you are incompatible and your NAGGING will do nothing to convince him to quit He won't quit (as you've learned) until he (at the very least) has suffered the consequences of his actions in some way and it gives him the motivation (nagging isn't that) or when he is sick or just sick and tired of it and gives it up of his own accord.

    I want a partner that encourages me to be my best and i feel all he does is slow me down.
    Then leave him to his habits and find someone who is happy with who he is. You owe both him and yourself that much.

    Tell us, do you find his anger rears its ugly head when you've chastised him to the point of no return? I wonder!
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 02-03-2020 at 05:25 PM.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Puppies don't smoke but they do pee on the furniture destroy stuff and throw food around, so that may be a better option. Puppies aren't alcoholics who rage and scream and break everything, though. But puppies do offer love and when they pee on stuff or break stuff it isn't because of abuse and alcoholic raging..
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I suggest you leave him if you don't like a smoker and find someone that has never smoked
    He's not a "loser" he is a man that has a tobacco addiction who treats you well when you're not trying to control him/parent him. He likely loves you

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