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Thread: New relationship anxiety

  1. #1
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    New relationship anxiety

    I have been dating a girl since October after just over 2.5 years of being single.
    We had a chat over Christmas about being exclusive and decided we don't want to see other people etc.

    This weekend again we were talking and decided that we are officially "boyfriend and girlfriend"

    She's a great girl, I've known her for about 2 years, we briefly dated after I broke up with my ex but it was too early for me and we went seperate ways but got talking again this summer and it's progressed.

    I fancy the pants off her, look forward to seeing her and hate the thought of her being with someone else romantically.

    So what's the problem?
    I'm not feeling on cloud 9, my last couple of GFs when we have become exclusive I was beaming, now whilst I feel happy there is a part of me that's sad/worried for the future and change. I've been very content being single, I've got used to that life and like it, sure there are times I was a bit lonely and sad but it was nice being a free spirit and doing what I like etc. Not that she's a bunny boiler at all, she's completely chilled like that which is nice.

    Is it natural for someone that's been single so long to feel a bit like this?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Absolutely.

    I've been single a lot longer than that (by choice), and I dread the idea of meeting someone and changing my happily single life back into one of shared joy.

    We humans don't tend to deal with change particularly well, especially when leaving a good place to go into the unknown.

    I say, just go with it, be chill and see how it goes. Try to maintain some of your singleness while slowly flowing into that of a relationship again. There is no need to throw everything you have away to start the relationship.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    Absolutely.

    I've been single a lot longer than that (by choice), and I dread the idea of meeting someone and changing my happily single life back into one of shared joy.

    We humans don't tend to deal with change particularly well, especially when leaving a good place to go into the unknown.

    I say, just go with it, be chill and see how it goes. Try to maintain some of your singleness while slowly flowing into that of a relationship again. There is no need to throw everything you have away to start the relationship.
    Thanks that's reassuring to know.
    As I say, she's super chill at the minute and has a little girl so she has other priorities and obviously has time with her alone which is of course fine with me.

    I realise in my past relationships I've been a little "too much" in wanting to see them all the time etc so I'm mindful I keep my hobbies and seeing friends etc

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That's ok. You know her for a while so the thrill of novelty is missing. Other than that, sounds great. See how it goes.
    Originally Posted by RKO
    I
    I fancy the pants off her, look forward to seeing her and hate the thought of her being with someone else romantically. I'm not feeling on cloud 9, my last couple of GFs when we have become exclusive I was beaming, now whilst I feel happy there is a part of me that's sad/worried for the future and change.

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    What exactly would you be "free" to do if you weren't dating this "girl"? (does she refer to you as a "great boy?" - I have to wonder in this context whether you admire her sufficiently/respect her if she's a "girl" - is it really just a figure of speech?)

    You would be free to date others and pursue others to date and have sex with random women. Are those the freedoms you miss? And if not I'd get very specific about what about being single is different from being in a relationship with this person?

    I'm married and I can tell you in list form what I have to be free to do to stay sane ("have to" as in it feels much closer to a need than a want). It's actually not a long list and it's a doable list. My husband and son actually know most of my list because I make it clear in as nice a way as possible what I need to be free to do.

    As far as cloud 9 - did you ever feel that way with her?

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    What exactly would you be "free" to do if you weren't dating this "girl"? (does she refer to you as a "great boy?" - I have to wonder in this context whether you admire her sufficiently/respect her if she's a "girl" - is it really just a figure of speech?)

    You would be free to date others and pursue others to date and have sex with random women. Are those the freedoms you miss? And if not I'd get very specific about what about being single is different from being in a relationship with this person?

    I'm married and I can tell you in list form what I have to be free to do to stay sane ("have to" as in it feels much closer to a need than a want). It's actually not a long list and it's a doable list. My husband and son actually know most of my list because I make it clear in as nice a way as possible what I need to be free to do.

    As far as cloud 9 - did you ever feel that way with her?
    Calling her a "girl" is a figure of speech. I still call my mum a girl.

    I don't sleep around, I've not had sex or wanted sex with anyone else but her since we met and since becoming official I still feel exactly the same. I'm not interested in anyone but her.

    I mean like an example, I wake up Saturday, it's a nice day I go out hiking up a mountain with a podcast or 2 and I'm free to be out as long or as short as I want. Or it's a rainy Sunday, it's been a long week in work, I'd like to spend the whole day just reading, watching TV or video games having a chill time. I've been so used to "me time"

    Cloud 9, yes, whenever I'm with her it's great, we bounce off each other, have fun, good chats, she cracks me up and I look at her and think she's incredible.

    I think previous comment is right because I've known her so long and perhaps because it's felt like a relationship for a while anyway there wasn't that pop when it became official

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's a combination of two things, yes, being single for a while and getting used to being alone can make it difficult to get back into a relationship. Being single, you don't have to worry about anyone else, you don't have relationship responsibilities, etc. So in that regard, getting back into a relationship can seem like an anxious thing.

    Also, with past gf's you were on "cloud 9" and "beaming" but things didn't work out and they were failures. So now you meet someone else who seems like a good fit but your brain could be cautioning you that maybe you're wrong and it's not as great as you think being as you've been wrong in the past. It's your logical side overriding your romantic side.

    In some ways that's good (no need to run a million miles ahead) but in some ways it's bad (not allowing yourself to get close to someone again out of fear).
    It does take a certain amount of vulnerability and risk to start a relationship with someone and maybe you need to ask yourself if you're ready for that.

    You might not be ready for a relationship right now, or you might need more time to process and get used to change.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    General advice: take a deep breath, keep feeling this out, don't worry too much about where it's going, what it means. Time will tell, and whatever it tells is okay. Namaste.

    More specifically: Why can't you do the things you described—reading, lazy days, podcasts, hiking—while being with someone? I can't help but think that you have an idea, perhaps from those past voyages to Cloud 9, that being in a relationship means existing in a state of simmering obsession, of letting go of your "me time" in favor of "we time." Doesn't have to be that way, at least not in some extreme manner. In fact, it can be whatever way that you want, with the connection being about finding someone who wants that too, someone with whom you can be you, and vise versa.

    Can only speak for myself, but it was very important to me that anyone I committed to didn't make me feel like I was giving up Single Me in favor of Relationship Me, since I am just One Me. Sure, I "gave up" dating other people, but dating lots of people wasn't what I wanted even when I was doing it. I wanted a partner in this business of living. But being able to read when I wanted, surf and hike when the call struck—that was an essential component of partnership. I know myself well enough to know that any relationship that made me feel like I was losing that part of myself would be a relationship that wouldn't last. I met someone with a similar mindset, so Cloud 9 gets accessed in the obvious, fluttery ways, but also by just being with someone where "me time" and "we time" kind of coexist.

    So, a few things might be going on here. Might be the what's being stirred is some antiquated ideas instilled by past, unsuccessful relationships. Might also be that you're just not quite feeling it all the way you need to be feeling it all. Might be some combination. Might be some fumes that'll burn off, or might be something that gets in the way of interstellar emotional travel. Time, again, knows the answers, not you, not us. Just have to be vulnerable enough to lean into time a bit to get clarity.

    Is this your first time dating someone with a child? I ask because I wonder if you're not used to being with someone whose emotional energy is often directed at something—someone—that has nothing to do with you. Removes some of the gama rays that lead to early "beaming," that feeling that you are the only thing on another's mind, and so on. Which is, of course, quite healthy. Which also, of course, means more time for solo hikes and lazy Sundays, and less time feeling "obligated" to give all that up. Could be an ideal situation, if you give it some more time.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    .

    Also, with past gf's you were on "cloud 9" and "beaming" but things didn't work out and they were failures. So now you meet someone else who seems like a good fit but your brain could be cautioning you that maybe you're wrong and it's not as great as you think being as you've been wrong in the past. It's your logical side overriding your romantic side.

    In some ways that's good (no need to run a million miles ahead) but in some ways it's bad (not allowing yourself to get close to someone again out of fear).
    It does take a certain amount of vulnerability and risk to start a relationship with someone and maybe you need to ask yourself if you're ready for that.
    I agree with that 100% actually. My last GF that broke up with me (can read it on here) did knock a lot out of me tbh. I do feel like I lost a lot of my innocence and romance of relationships from that, in some ways it's a good thing.
    Luckily I haven't been comparing her with my current girlfriend, maybe there is a subconscious feeling somewhere that she could pack up over night (since found out my ex had been cheating) like the last one but certainly I have no fear of that day to day infact I even told her about it how my ex upset me etc, I trust her 100%

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    A healthy relationship involves time alone, time with friends and hobbies, and time together. Just make sure a partner feels like she's a priority, and that the balance is good for the partnership. If it's top heavy in one area, it will take a toll on the relationship. Only time will tell if you're both happy with the status quo.

    I can't imagine you'd break up with her because of some niggling, unclear worries, so just have a wait and see, day by day mindset. You're giving this exclusive relationship a shot, and hoping for the best. Either your romance will deepen, or you'll decide you'd rather move on. Be patient with yourself. Time will reveal all. Take care.

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