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Thread: Should his mental disorder get in the way?

  1. #1

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    Should his mental disorder get in the way?

    I've been single for 5 years, ever since my ex fiance left me while pregnant. Being a single mom has not been easy and has given me no room for dating (I didn't feel the need either) until resently. My friends and some family had been telling me to start looking, that it's important to have someone in my life, and I was starting to want someone in my life as well, so I started using a dating app. I almost imediatly met this one guy whom I thought was interesting. I like him, he's smart and talks about a lot of interesting things. We have things in common. We started seeing eachother and that's when I noticed he has a few weird quirks. He sometimes has weird ways of seeing things. He has told me about his past, he had been in trouble with the law a couple of times and used to get into fights. He argues a lot with his parents but they're obviosly not easy people to deal with. He has changed for better (doesn't look for trouble like he did years ago). I've seen him with his nieces and nephew and he's great with kids. We have gone on several dates and he is always really caring and attentive of me. He confides in me (doesn't trust very many people) and he makes sure I'm happy. The last time we were together he told me he was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was younger, that he has been on medication for it. He tells me he has changed a lot, that it is not as agresive as it once was. This kind of scared me at first but I didn't think it was reason enough to leave him. I told one of my friends and the first thing she told me is to stop seeing him. My family still doesn't know I'm seeing him (it's only been 3 months since we met) but I'm sure they'll have the same reaction once they know. We like eachother. I don't think his mental disorder should be a reason to stop seeing him should it? My friend told me I should think about my son and try to avoid future problems. I know a couple of people who are bipolar but have never met a schizophrenic person before. I really don't know what to expect. We've only been seeing eachother very little time but I think things are moving along nicely for the moment. We don't live close to eachother so we only get to see eachother once every week or every other week. Any thoughts? Opinions?

  2. #2
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    Hi,

    I donít think you have anything to be afraid of. As long as he takes his medication and doesnít loose insight into his need for the medication. People with mental illness function just like regular people. I should know Iím schizoid affective!

    Iím also in a happy relationship with someone without a mental illness.

    If this guy can do well in interpersonal relationships you should be fine.

    Thereís a bad stigma for people mentally ill, hence why your friend warned you and your parents wonít approve.

    The stigma is generally those mentally ill are very unstable, live in chaos, and can turn on a dime like a pit bull whose used to dog fighting.

    None of that is true!

    It also depends on the person with the mental illness in terms of how severe their illness is and the long term progression rate.

    I hope I helped give some insight.

    Itís up to you though if it bothers you.

    My advice would be to ask him questions about his illness and how it affects him. Donít research it, because each individual who suffers from schizophrenia has different symptoms. Researching his illness will clump him into a generalization you want to avoid if you want to make an informed decision in regards to continuing the relationship. So ask him what itís like for him.

  3. #3
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    Should he be condemned for his past? No.
    But you are still in the present. So you donít really know if his past is in the past or temporarily on hold.

    As long as you are willing to not introduce your son to him until at least 18 months into dating , then date him and see how it goes I guess?

    You need to see the real him, under various conditions , over more than a year to know him. That is for anyone , mental illness or not.

    Does his family ask him to babysit his nieces and nephews?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Join some clubs and groups and volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Broaden your horizons and meet people u you have things in common with. Get on some quality (paid) dating apps and take your time and be careful. It's foolish to allow someone with an arrest history into your life. Do not try to fix, change, mother or play doctor to anyone.

    This is not a debate about dating people with mental illness or not. It's about not being so desperate that you accept anyone and anything out of sheer convenience into your and your child's life.
    Originally Posted by KatD84
    Being a single mom has not been easy and has given me no room for dating
    He has told me about his past, he had been in trouble with the law a couple of times and used to get into fights. The last time we were together he told me he was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was younger, that he has been on medication for it.

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    A friend of mine married someone who was diagnosed with schizophrenia a few months after the wedding. That was 15 years ago and they're still together and happy. However, she's had many problems with him, every time he 'decided' he didn't need his medication (it has happened many times in the last 15 years). He would become very depressed, sleep all the time, didn't want to go to work and became suspicious of everyone (including his wife). When he was on his medication he was (is) a very sweet, nice, caring person. They never had children...her decision.

    Frankly, if you didn't have a young child, I would tell you to go for it (as long as you want to keep seeing him) but you do and personally I wouldn't continue dating him if I were you. I don't know what his symptoms are but if he is anything like my friend's husband, no, I wouldn't risk it. It's been hard for her, I can't imagine what it'd be like for a kid.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You have a child....this guy would concern me for sure already and I'm sure this would concern your family too. Mental illness always has it's bad days, and I tell you this, they do not have the coping skills to handle real issues at times. You will end up confused and unhappy because not everyone with mental illness notices that they are slipping or going down that rabbit hole again. Not worth the risk. He's only the first guy to come along, doesn't mean he has to be the one you invest in.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    he had been in trouble with the law a couple of times and used to get into fights Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
    He argues a lot with his parents but they're obviosly not easy people to deal with. You only have his side of things. They might have a very different story to tell.
    doesn't trust very many people A suspicious man, yet he's reeled you in in two dates, making you feel special because he senses you're desperate enough to stick around for all the darkness.

    You've only been on two dates, yet have met his nieces and nephews?

    This is very heavy stuff for only two dates in. The fact that you've gone so long without dating, you're turning a blind eye to an abnormal dating situation. First dates are supposed to be about enjoying each other's company, with fluffy topics like if a person has any pets, if they have any hobbies, what they do for a living.

    You're not invested, or shouldn't be at this point. Lots of red flags are waving in your face, and yet you're ignoring them because he's attractive and interesting and pays attention to you. I agree with Eliza50, that if you didn't have a child, you could give him a chance. However, since you have a child, it's too big of a gamble, and your child needs to be your first priority. You don't know if the guy has changed. You can only go by his word, and you don't even know this stranger. And as mentioned, you don't know if he will go off his meds, and one episode of anger will be one too many. Too many unknowns about a stranger to subject your child to.

    With nothing but hours of investment, I'd get out now before you begin to develop feelings. I'd recommend Meetup.com as a less stressful way of dating than OLD. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You have a child to protect.

    Please do not introduce him to your child or do events, dates or go places with him and your child for at least a full year.

    Oftentimes people with serious mental illnesses get to feeling so good while in a dating relationship they stop taking their meds. You need to see how he is if he does indeed choose to stop taking his meds.

  10. #9
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    might be worth checking out his legal history online. Arrest and convictions are public records.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    This guy told you straight up that when his illness is not under control, it will manifest as compulsive violent behavior with criminal intent. Does this sound like something you should expose your child to?

    It doesn't matter that he is very nice to you when you see him once in awhile for a few hours. Anyone can be nice for a brief period of time. Pay attention to the very serious red flags he has already raised and make better decisions for yourself.

    In general, consider that your picker needs serious work. Your fiance left you while you were pregnant - decent men don't do that. You now are looking to latch on to the first guy you met online who is telling you to your face he can become violent. Come on, OP. What's going on with you?

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