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Still single dumpers scary indifference after LTR and within 3 months of BU


CatHeroine

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I had a friend who talked to my ex today. We broke up after happy 4.5 years (2 living together) over me snooping on his phone, add some online stalking after the break up to it. He couldn't forgive me. I feel so guilty because I was so sure he wanted to cheat on me since he actively online flirted for a month with 3 girls after I clearly said I'm not comfortable with it. (and the chats were not exactly okay, more like ambiguous flirts). I really thought he had grass is greener syndrome. Texting started mid September, snooping end September, break up halloween. We've been no contact since December.

 

Anyway the things I heard now are:

- maybe we could be friends in a few months, he wouldn't mind but he doesn't need to be either

- when i was mentioned, he avoided commenting on it, but another day he mentioned me himself (regarding sports)

- he said our relationship is over, sees no reconciliation because he can't forgive me

- he misses our dog

- he still didn't sleep with anyone nor has a girlfriend

- he was showing our friend photos of himself and intentionally zoomed in to himself only, trying not to look at me. He said he deleted my nudes but kept all the other photos for nice memories

- he said we have rarely contact because I'm too emotional and he's just neutral

- he came off as very neutral, having no negative or positive feelings towards me,

 

And this last thing is what bothers me the most. He's famous for bottling up negative emotions, never showing them but showing so much indifference is extra hurtful. The friend said its like I never existed and he thought it was quite scary. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this or is he in denial?

 

I feel so much guilt for losing the person whom I loved the most, with whom we had plans for the future, who has always been good to me over some trivial texting with some chics he just met. I should have trusted him more but I was insecure, being cheated on before.

 

Additionally they got drunk and this friend told him I still love him/want him back every second (facepalm, I'm working so hard on NC since 2 months and now he tells him this). He just replied: it's not gonna happen. A change of heart is close to 0 right?

 

edit: i did ask this friend of ours to ask him about his feelings because i have to decide whether to cancel photographing his moms wedding.

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What kind of "friend" is this??? Does this so called friend dislike you or is jealous of you for some reason? Why would this person deliberately try to hurt you with tales about your ex?

 

You can forgive yourself because what you did was damaging to the relationship but it wasn't malicious like cheating or lying. Forgive yourself so you can move forward with your life. And tell this alleged friend to shut it when they try to start gossiping to you about your ex.

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I feel so much guilt for losing the person whom I loved the most, with whom we had plans for the future, who has always been good to me over some trivial texting with some chics he just met. I should have trusted him more but I was insecure, being cheated on before.
You told him you were uncomfortable with him inappropriately flirting and he went ahead after that and continued to do it and with "some chics he just met" which is actively pursuing if you ask me. So, of course you're not going to be able to trust him.

 

Be glad he's gone and let go of any hope of him reconsidering. If he was a good man worth being with, he wouldn't be getting attention from other women like that.

 

Let it go and accept its over so you can actually start the healing process and eventually be ready to find a guy that doesn't need that kind of out-side-of-the-relationship-attention.

 

Don't snoop anymore... though. When you're with someone you actually can trust, you'll not have an urgency to even have to like you did with your ex.

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sorry for not being clear. i have yet to make a choice to photograph his mothers (bless her) wedding, and i asked him to find out what he feels about me. turns out he has 0 emotions, no bad, no good.

 

So you asked him to ask your ex about you?

 

Hm, I wouldn't have recommended that because it's very obvious you put him up to it. I mean, who cares what your ex thinks but still...

 

Will seeing your ex cause you to feel intense emotions? Can you hold it together while serving as photographer for a very important event?

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You told him you were uncomfortable with him inappropriately flirting and he went ahead after that and continued to do it and with "some chics he just met" which is actively pursuing if you ask me. So, of course you're not going to be able to trust him.

 

Be glad he's gone and let go of any hope of him reconsidering. If he was a good man worth being with, he wouldn't be getting attention from other women like that.

 

Let it go and accept its over so you can actually start the healing process and eventually be ready to find a guy that doesn't need that kind of out-side-of-the-relationship-attention.

 

Don't snoop anymore... though. When you're with someone you actually can trust, you'll not have an urgency to even have to like you did with your ex.

 

you're right, i never felt the need, but this time i was trying to find out whether hes lying about only being friendly with them (he still insists he did nothing wrong) or there was more.... turns out its not black and white because we had different boundaries as to what flirting is. he still thinks it was fine, he admitted to flirting and not everything he did was correct. but his boundary regarding snooping was extremely tight, which i didnt expect, as i am more flexible in that (i really wouldnt care and he was always ok with me seeing his social media, he always kept it open - but i never did check it until the end)....mne was also always open.

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So you asked him to ask your ex about you?

 

Hm, I wouldn't have recommended that because it's very obvious you put him up to it. I mean, who cares what your ex thinks but still...

 

Will seeing your ex cause you to feel intense emotions? Can you hold it together while serving as photographer for a very important event?

 

thats something i dont know and trying to figure out, its been 3 months, 4 months from when the fear of losng him began....i have 5 more months and i feel 0 progress (im stuck at home with my parents, jobless, i moved back to my country where not many friends are around, its winter, theres no gym in my area...). id even say i was more ok in the beginning because i still had hope but now its worse again, but its not linear right...but its been 4,5 years and his family was my family, but except his mom, everyone cut contact with me (sister, sisters husband). it almost feels like a power game, i come and show my best self, but still be only a service for them or show my strength to cut all ties and cancel. another wedding of his family friend is in august....

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You told him you were uncomfortable with him inappropriately flirting and he went ahead after that and continued to do it and with "some chics he just met" which is actively pursuing if you ask me. So, of course you're not going to be able to trust him.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

Believe it or not things won’t get any better after this door has been opened.

 

By your friend declaring you want him back, he now knows you’ll stay even if he does cheat.

 

He flirted with other women, you told him it made you uncomfortable and he kept doing it.

 

Then it comes out you snooped and surprise, surprise, you take all the blame.

 

Not saying you don’t deserve blame here, snooping is wrong, but I can’t help but wonder why you chose to snoop if you didn’t actually plan to leave to begin with? And don’t say you would have because it’s quite clear how easily you seem to be willing to overlook his actions so long as he takes you back. You handed him your power, your voice, if you get back together trust me, all this will bubble up again and either you’ll snoop again or don’t, he will continue to do as he pleases and you’ll be miserible.

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sigh..... I'm sorry. It sounds tough moving home etc.....

 

BUT!

 

I think this is for the best. Do you really want someone like this? who treats you this way? Flaunting his flirting, unable to communicate anything othan through indifference? He sounds manipulative as all heck.

 

Yes. You were wrong to snoop.... but if he can't forgive... he's choosing not to forgive and you just have to acceot and move on....

 

I would not go photograph his moms wedding. Why subject yourself to this? you're the hired help, while it's a very special day for the family, that you are no longer included with. Sounds like a horrible way to spend the day. To prove what? take your pride and keep moving on....

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i did ask this friend of ours to ask him about his feelings because i have to decide whether to cancel photographing his moms wedding.
Oh, my. Well you better decide because you're going to leave her in a lurch if she can't get someone else to do it.

Are you going to be paid for doing it? If you are, I'd do it since you prolly need the money if you're currently unemployed. Don't be upset if she actually cancels you since you say they've all but abandoned you.

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I either trust someone's behavior and loyalty, or I don't. If I don't, then all the surveillance in the world isn't going to change that outcome, and I've reduced myself to something I don't want to be. So I'd skip that, skip him, and move my focus forward onto trusting my SELF, instead. When I trust my own judgment in screening people, I don't ned to second guess whether someone is right for me. If I get the sense that the answer is no, then I pay attention and spare myself the mess.

 

Trust your gut, and move your focus forward. You will thank yourself later.

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Sorry to hear this. It's good you're no contact, however the friendship with his mother could get messy.

 

My advice remains the same about this situation: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=563096&p=7189712&viewfull=1#post7189712

I had a friend who talked to my ex today. We've been no contact since December. Additionally they got drunk and this friend told him I still love him/want him back every second . i have to decide whether to cancel photographing his moms wedding.
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I

He couldn't forgive me. I feel so guilty because I was so sure he wanted to cheat on me since he actively online flirted for a month with 3 girls after I clearly said I'm not comfortable with it. (and the chats were not exactly okay, more like ambiguous flirts). I really thought he had grass is greener syndrome. Texting started mid September, snooping end September, break up halloween. We've been no contact since December.

 

You are minimizing his behavior and making this all about you and what you did wrong to ruin the relationship. (because after all that's all you have control over) So if you make this all about you, maybe you can change it.

 

I don't condone snooping but he gave you good reason. Had he not ruined your trust by inappropriate flirting with multiple women my guess is you wouldn't have been looking for more proof.

 

Men that are flirting with others don't make for good potential husbands. This is the moment you end the relationship instead of being left holding the bag filled with guilt.

 

How convenient he gets to blame you rather than take responsibility. . .and you willingly agree to it.

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And this last thing is what bothers me the most. He's famous for bottling up negative emotions, never showing them but showing so much indifference is extra hurtful. The friend said its like I never existed and he thought it was quite scary. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this or is he in denial?

 

Your friend is being over-dramatic and silly. It's not scary. Your ex not wishing to discuss you or the relationship is completely normal, because frankly, it's none of your friend's business. Your ex obviously doesn't like being prodded about his love life, and wisely shut that down. He knew exactly where this line of questioning was coming from (ie. you) and didn't want to go there. It's simply him putting a boundary in place.

 

So no, he is neither scary nor in denial. He wanted the relationship to end, remember. My guess is that you are back-pedaling and blaming yourself now because the truth - that he was checking out of the relaitonship and fliritng with other women to find your replacement - is too painful to confront. But girl, he's not an idiot. He knew flirting with other women was inappropriate and he kept doing it. Why? He was on his way out the door long before you realized it, sadly. He just needed an exit hatch and your snooping provided that. But make no mistake, this relationship was more than likely going to end one way or another. Respectful, committed men don't go sniffing around other women.

 

The takeaway is that now that you know he still doesn't want to be with you, you have to finally work on letting go. I don't think photographing his mom's wedding is a great idea, since it will hurt like hell to see him (and possibly with a date). However, if you've already agreed to do this and cannot offer her a replacement photographer, you may have to suck it up and put on a brave face for the day. Just don't go there expecting it to be the moment he realizes he wants you back.

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The friend said its like I never existed and he thought it was quite scary. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this or is he in denial?

 

It's not scary!

 

Yes it's totally normal.

 

In most of my previous relationships, I was the one that "pretended they didn't exist."

 

Except that isn't what I was doing... I was simply processing my feelings, and acknowledging that I was done with the relationship and didn't want to pursue a friendship with them.

 

Of course I knew and know they exist... I still stalk them on social media every once in awhile... but I also knew with certainty that I was done, and that maintaining communication would just make accepting that harder for both of us.

 

Don't read more into it than there is... in fact, it would seem he has very clearly stated that he has no interest in reconciling so this is what you need to pay attention to.

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