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Thread: Still single dumpers scary indifference after LTR and within 3 months of BU

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    sigh..... I'm sorry. It sounds tough moving home etc.....

    BUT!

    I think this is for the best. Do you really want someone like this? who treats you this way? Flaunting his flirting, unable to communicate anything othan through indifference? He sounds manipulative as all heck.

    Yes. You were wrong to snoop.... but if he can't forgive... he's choosing not to forgive and you just have to acceot and move on....

    I would not go photograph his moms wedding. Why subject yourself to this? you're the hired help, while it's a very special day for the family, that you are no longer included with. Sounds like a horrible way to spend the day. To prove what? take your pride and keep moving on....

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    i did ask this friend of ours to ask him about his feelings because i have to decide whether to cancel photographing his moms wedding.
    Oh, my. Well you better decide because you're going to leave her in a lurch if she can't get someone else to do it.
    Are you going to be paid for doing it? If you are, I'd do it since you prolly need the money if you're currently unemployed. Don't be upset if she actually cancels you since you say they've all but abandoned you.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You are torturing yourself by all this monitoring. You need to stop. My advice remains the same as what I wrote in your first post about this. You have to cancel the photographing and let go of false hope.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I either trust someone's behavior and loyalty, or I don't. If I don't, then all the surveillance in the world isn't going to change that outcome, and I've reduced myself to something I don't want to be. So I'd skip that, skip him, and move my focus forward onto trusting my SELF, instead. When I trust my own judgment in screening people, I don't ned to second guess whether someone is right for me. If I get the sense that the answer is no, then I pay attention and spare myself the mess.

    Trust your gut, and move your focus forward. You will thank yourself later.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It's good you're no contact, however the friendship with his mother could get messy.

    My advice remains the same about this situation: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by CatHeroine
    I had a friend who talked to my ex today. We've been no contact since December. Additionally they got drunk and this friend told him I still love him/want him back every second . i have to decide whether to cancel photographing his moms wedding.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by CatHeroine
    I
    He couldn't forgive me. I feel so guilty because I was so sure he wanted to cheat on me since he actively online flirted for a month with 3 girls after I clearly said I'm not comfortable with it. (and the chats were not exactly okay, more like ambiguous flirts). I really thought he had grass is greener syndrome. Texting started mid September, snooping end September, break up halloween. We've been no contact since December.
    You are minimizing his behavior and making this all about you and what you did wrong to ruin the relationship. (because after all that's all you have control over) So if you make this all about you, maybe you can change it.

    I don't condone snooping but he gave you good reason. Had he not ruined your trust by inappropriate flirting with multiple women my guess is you wouldn't have been looking for more proof.

    Men that are flirting with others don't make for good potential husbands. This is the moment you end the relationship instead of being left holding the bag filled with guilt.

    How convenient he gets to blame you rather than take responsibility. . .and you willingly agree to it.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by CatHeroine
    And this last thing is what bothers me the most. He's famous for bottling up negative emotions, never showing them but showing so much indifference is extra hurtful. The friend said its like I never existed and he thought it was quite scary. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this or is he in denial?
    Your friend is being over-dramatic and silly. It's not scary. Your ex not wishing to discuss you or the relationship is completely normal, because frankly, it's none of your friend's business. Your ex obviously doesn't like being prodded about his love life, and wisely shut that down. He knew exactly where this line of questioning was coming from (ie. you) and didn't want to go there. It's simply him putting a boundary in place.

    So no, he is neither scary nor in denial. He wanted the relationship to end, remember. My guess is that you are back-pedaling and blaming yourself now because the truth - that he was checking out of the relaitonship and fliritng with other women to find your replacement - is too painful to confront. But girl, he's not an idiot. He knew flirting with other women was inappropriate and he kept doing it. Why? He was on his way out the door long before you realized it, sadly. He just needed an exit hatch and your snooping provided that. But make no mistake, this relationship was more than likely going to end one way or another. Respectful, committed men don't go sniffing around other women.

    The takeaway is that now that you know he still doesn't want to be with you, you have to finally work on letting go. I don't think photographing his mom's wedding is a great idea, since it will hurt like hell to see him (and possibly with a date). However, if you've already agreed to do this and cannot offer her a replacement photographer, you may have to suck it up and put on a brave face for the day. Just don't go there expecting it to be the moment he realizes he wants you back.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    The friend said its like I never existed and he thought it was quite scary. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this or is he in denial?
    It's not scary!

    Yes it's totally normal.

    In most of my previous relationships, I was the one that "pretended they didn't exist."

    Except that isn't what I was doing... I was simply processing my feelings, and acknowledging that I was done with the relationship and didn't want to pursue a friendship with them.

    Of course I knew and know they exist... I still stalk them on social media every once in awhile... but I also knew with certainty that I was done, and that maintaining communication would just make accepting that harder for both of us.

    Don't read more into it than there is... in fact, it would seem he has very clearly stated that he has no interest in reconciling so this is what you need to pay attention to.

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