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Thread: Is this going somewhere?

  1. #1
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    Is this going somewhere?

    About 14 months ago on a dating app I matched with a man who is not like anyone Iíve ever met before. He is fiercely independent, sometimes somewhat mysterious, intelligent, has shared with me some of his passions, hears me when I talk about mine and understands them, he's super funny, witty, sarcastic (we joke around ALL the time), and he is SO sexy to me. I could go on, but these are just a few. As somewhat of a caveat, I think he is very scared of rejection, to the point that he shies away from commitment. He is also very reserved and didn't open up much at first. I could look at these things and say he's broken and move on, but we're all broken in some way. We just need to find someone who understands our broken parts and whose parts fit with our own. Just because someone is broken doesn't mean they don't deserve to find love from someone who can still appreciate them. On the same token, maybe I've read him wrong completely. Partly why I'm here asking for y'all's input. (Disclaimer if this counts at all: we've been "intimate" one time).

    Anyway, obviously, I have developed feelings for him. I'll just come right out and say it, Iím in love with the man. In July of last year I moved away for work and we stopped talking for a while, but in about late August/September we started keeping in occasional contact. His initiation. We even Facetimed a few times (again, his initiation and persistence), and no, we didn't do anything risque--we just talked for hours. In December I was transferred back. Since then we have messaged back-and-forth quite a bit. Two weeks ago he asked me over but I was out of town. This last week, we had some very intimate conversations and talked about getting together and I thought maybe that was going to happen this past weekend, but here it is Sunday and <crickets>. I have a feeling this Friday he had a date with someone. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but something tells me he did. Not a huge deal. I mean, we aren't in a position relationship-wise to have any sort of expectations or exclusivity, so I'm not mad or jealous (okay, maybe a tiny bit), but mainly I can't help but feel a little hurt that he didn't ask to do something with me, especially in lieu of the things we've been talking about. Again, maybe he was just doing something with his friends, but he was a little evasive, soooo... Anyhoo

    Over the past few months, I have explained to him that I care for him very much (though I've never told him I'm in love with him) and that I would like to know if we are going somewhere, but yet here we are. He seems to avoid coming right out and answering the question. Sometimes when I tell him that, he goes away for a bit, which I am fine with him taking some time to see where his head is at, and I give him all the space he needs. I don't text him or call him, don't blow up his phone in any way, don't tag him in any social media or like his stuff. Just, you know, step away so he can find himself. I let him come back to me, and he does. Every single time. That said, though, if he weren't interested in me, wouldn't he stop re-initiating contact when I explain to him how I feel? If he weren't interested, wouldn't he hear me and take that time that space I have given him and just not come back? If he were interested, though, wouldn't he be trying to see me more? I sort of feel like we made some headway this past week, but seriously, we've been doing this dance for 14 months. I want to tell him that I'm in love with him, but I'm not sure where to go from there. Should I wait one more week considering our potential progress this past week?

    Here's what I was going to say to him:

    So, xxxx, you know Iím in love with you, right? I mean...you must know. I didnít ask for my heart to feel this way and now Iíve made myself vulnerableóitís humbling and raw. Not something I do with just anyone. So, if you are being with other women (which Iím guessing is what was happening Friday because you were being evasive), sharing pics with them, having conversations with them like the ones weíve been having lately (youíre single and probably want to play the fieldóI get it), but while youíre doing that, if youíre doing that, Iím over here thinking of you. Not that Iím sitting at home doing nothing, but no one is like you. I just keep thinking we may be going somewhere, but, you know, Iíve been back in xxxx for two months, and I feel like if you were interested, you wouldíve done something about seeing me by now. And since that hasnít happened, I feel like I have allowed myself to be very naÔve. While Iím fiercely independent and can do or get just about anything I set my mind to, deep down, Iím just a girl who wants to spend time with you if you find heartfelt value in meómy heart, my mind, my soul. If you donít feel anything like that for meóor if you feel that way toward someone elseóplease donít string me along. My heart canít take ambiguity. If you care about me at all, please message me back or call me and tell me how you feel so Iím not wondering. Iím free this Friday or Saturday. If you want to do something, please let me know by Wednesday.

    Is that forward? Yes. Is it pushy? Potentially, yes. I would really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I vote no. In fact, an emphatic NO.

    You want the reason he backs away to be because he is "scared" or something, but the fact that he "backs away" every time you try to talk about your feelings for him is most likely because he doesn't feel the same way and isn't sure how to tell you without hurting your feelings.

    I'm sure he thinks you're cool, he liked the sex (why wouldn't he?), he likes conversing with you...but he's doing nothing about spending actual in-person time with you.

    "Intimate conversations" doesn't mean he has the same feelings you do, so I don't agree it's "progress". They are conversations...nothing more.

    Splashing your feelings all over him won't change a thing except when he "backs away" yet again or does another vanishing act you'll be cringing, wishing you'd never done it.

    If you want to try one last time, ask him out on a date. A dinner date, so it's clear what it is. If he agrees and follows through, see if he asks you out. Not a "Netflix and chill" but an actual date. He'll make the effort if he wants the same thing you do. If he continues with messages but no plans, then it's time to write this one off.

  3. #3
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    I agree with Boltnrun.

    Do not send that message. Its quite intense, almost obsessive and as a man who is not in a relationship with you it would scare me off completely.

    As Bolt said I think he really likes you and your company but if he wanted to be with you it would be on by now.

    Also agree with Boltnrun in that you are making excuses for him as to why he can't be with you eg he's scared of rejection etc. That's just you imposing your thoughts onto his behaviour. Not healthy. Maybe it's your ego coming up with this way of thinking to protect yourself from feeling rejected?

    14 months is a long time to be waiting and wishing your life away on a man who you have never been in a relationship with.

    I'd simply wish him well and tell him you are moving on as things haven't progressed between you.

  4. #4
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    Thank you for the responses. Maybe you're right--that part of me is making excuses. It's possible, though, that he's been through something. I mean, people are emotionally unavailable until the right time with the right person. Maybe we're not it for each other or maybe it just hadn't yet been the right time.

    I agree that the message is intense, though, so I'll take your advice and not send it, and I'll take what y'all have said to heart. That's what I came here to get. Going to take boltnrun's advice and see if he wants to get dinner. If he doesn't and/or if things just do not progress since I've moved back to the area, ninjabib, you were suggesting to tell him I'm moving on, you mean come out and tell him that? I'm all about closure, so I guess I would be telling him that so that he wouldn't continue to message me? Like, "So, I really like you, but since we haven't progressed, I'm going to be dating other people and moving on. Wish you all the best!"?

    Thanks again!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    I would make sure it's clear it's a date. Not "want to grab some food?" or "want to come to my place and I'll cook for you?" but "would you like to have dinner with me at Very Nice But Not Overly Expensive Restaurant? I hear it's good and I'd love for you to join me there for dinner."

  7. #6
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    Sweet. Message already sent and that's not what I said.

  8. #7
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    Good luck OP. I see no problem offering him one last chance as long as your intentions are clear. Hope it's good news for you!

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    After 14 months, one would think that he either "found himself" or he's too lost to bother with anymore. I mean, we're talking a full year here, where you keep making excuses for his deplorable and hurtful behavior..."I'm giving him space to find himself." You're nothing more than a wet rug at this point...that that he wipes his feet on with his other conquests. He knows you'll stick around despite his poor treatment of you. After 14 months, you're (considering) writing him and telling him that it's okay if he's seeing other people, and it's okay if he wants to "play the field." You're trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip, all the while telling him it's okay to keep treating you badly.

    NO!

    No, no, no.

    He needs to pee or get off the potty

    This guy is going to circle back around to you each and every time because you let him, and you keep making excuses for him. When he has nothing else to entertain him, and that other woman doesn't pan out or blows him off on Friday or Saturday, he will contact you as his ever-so-reliable-backup-plan. The second you try to force feelings and something more serious onto him, is the second he backs off for days or weeks, and you start making excuses for him while you are hurt and confused. When he reaches out to you after his absence, he says all the right things and you lap it up like a starving kitten.

    You deserve better than this.

    Do not beg him to contact you, telling him him you are free on Friday or Saturday (if, maybe you might get around to me). I agree with Boltnrun, that if you want to give it one last try (seriously, only one), ask him out and be very clear that it's a date. Go OUT, no "Netflix and chill"...in other words, no dates at your home or his...you go out-out. Personally, I've walked this walk, and I don't see the point.

    I had this on-again-off-again situation, and I realized this would never turn into anything more than a date when he was in the mood (sex didn't always play a role), and I can either enjoy his company with no expectations (on his terms), or completely cut ties...there is no middle here. No expectations, no feelings, no hopes of something more; just a date here and there.

    If you want more, you need to dump this chump and find someone truly worthy of you.

  10. #9
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    Agree with Purplepaisley. He's not scared - he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, and I'm sorry that disappoints you. The real issue is your dishonesty with yourself and your prioritizing your intensity and loving feelings for this person and infatuation over taking care of yourself and being honest with yourself. He may be independent and passionate and what's also true is he doesn't want to be with you. Who knows why -he likes flirting, having sex with you but no he doesn't love you and likely never will. Your sending him that message confirms to him how little regard you have for yourself. I hope you return to a place where you prioritize your well-being and where you're brave enough to be honest with yourself and then you'll motivate others to treat you as you show you deserve to be treated.

  11. #10
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    Thank you for the additional feedback. I hope it's not the case, but I agree it's highly possible that our conversations and time together have been merely a convenience. My last relationship ended two years ago, but it was 15 years long. I'm very out of practice with dating, but thanks for the reality check of having left my self-respect at the door.

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