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Thread: Is this going somewhere?

  1. #41
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    especially if we have been hoping for more and pursuing someone for their potential vs. who they really are
    Highlighting this because I think it might be semi-related to the "boundaries" business.

    This thread, for instance? Let's imagine a parallel universe in which, 15 months ago, you and I sat down and talked life and love over a glass of wine. Would you have said to me, "I'm looking for a man who fades in here, fades out there, mainly flakes on me, never seems all that convincingly into me, appreciates my zest for life but offers very little zest himself?" My guess is no. Which leads to the question of how, 15 months later, you came to be in love with such a man.

    Without negating the reality of those feelings—my belief is that love is whatever we humans want to call love—I can't help but think the feelings you're describing are more self-generated than him-generated, or you-plus-him-generated, meaning that the love is felt for the potential, not the actual. There is immense safety in that, from one angle, since we hardly need anything from another person, just enough to wind the wheels of our own imaginations. But that safety comes with a cost: when the hottest thing about a connection is what you can imagine it to look like, you're missing out on the part where another person can astound you and genuinely compliment you.

    The more we can learn to discern between these two things—what we'd like from romance vs what we're actually getting, the stories our imaginations can spin vs the story we're living in and co-authoring with someone—the easier it becomes to set boundaries. They almost set themselves, at least in the context of what I think you're wanting to protect yourself from and steer yourself toward.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Highlighting this because I think it might be semi-related to the "boundaries" business.

    This thread, for instance? Let's imagine a parallel universe in which, 15 months ago, you and I sat down and talked life and love over a glass of wine. Would you have said to me, "I'm looking for a man who fades in here, fades out there, mainly flakes on me, never seems all that convincingly into me, appreciates my zest for life but offers very little zest himself?" My guess is no. Which leads to the question of how, 15 months later, you came to be in love with such a man.

    Without negating the reality of those feelings—my belief is that love is whatever we humans want to call love—I can't help but think the feelings you're describing are more self-generated than him-generated, or you-plus-him-generated, meaning that the love is felt for the potential, not the actual. There is immense safety in that, from one angle, since we hardly need anything from another person, just enough to wind the wheels of our own imaginations. But that safety comes with a cost: when the hottest thing about a connection is what you can imagine it to look like, you're missing out on the part where another person can astound you and genuinely compliment you.

    The more we can learn to discern between these two things—what we'd like from romance vs what we're actually getting, the stories our imaginations can spin vs the story we're living in and co-authoring with someone—the easier it becomes to set boundaries. They almost set themselves, at least in the context of what I think you're wanting to protect yourself from and steer yourself toward.
    I get you Blue

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Highlighting this because I think it might be semi-related to the "boundaries" business.

    This thread, for instance? Let's imagine a parallel universe in which, 15 months ago, you and I sat down and talked life and love over a glass of wine. Would you have said to me, "I'm looking for a man who fades in here, fades out there, mainly flakes on me, never seems all that convincingly into me, appreciates my zest for life but offers very little zest himself?" My guess is no. Which leads to the question of how, 15 months later, you came to be in love with such a man.

    Without negating the reality of those feelings—my belief is that love is whatever we humans want to call love—I can't help but think the feelings you're describing are more self-generated than him-generated, or you-plus-him-generated, meaning that the love is felt for the potential, not the actual. There is immense safety in that, from one angle, since we hardly need anything from another person, just enough to wind the wheels of our own imaginations. But that safety comes with a cost: when the hottest thing about a connection is what you can imagine it to look like, you're missing out on the part where another person can astound you and genuinely compliment you.

    The more we can learn to discern between these two things—what we'd like from romance vs what we're actually getting, the stories our imaginations can spin vs the story we're living in and co-authoring with someone—the easier it becomes to set boundaries. They almost set themselves, at least in the context of what I think you're wanting to protect yourself from and steer yourself toward.
    Yeah, I get it. Thank you so much. I needed to hear it, all of this. Gotta love the beauty of hindsight--reflecting on things of the past so we can learn to not repeat them. Of course I wouldn't have signed up for that. I just kept making excuses, I guess, and thinking that if he'd just spend some more in-person time with me, he would see how amazing I am in person versus words on a screen and pixels in a photo here and there, and I truly thought we would actually eventually get there. I really felt that given enough time he would find me as worthy of his time and energy to get to know better, because I believe I'm worth it. I thought he would, with time, compassion and acceptance, lower his wall and let me in. Looking back on it now, I wish I had done and said things differently.

    As for pursuing someone for their potential versus who they are--I did feel like I knew him. He's incredibly reserved. I've seen him in social settings and he's so very quiet, doesn't talk to people much. Very much a strong, silent type. But yet, he would tell me things, talk to me and seemingly open up. It felt like he was learning to trust me. Not necessarily making excuses for myself, I guess I just got caught up in hoping for a direction that was probably never on the radar. Now I just need to be done with this and close the door so I can get my head right again.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Whillow
    Yeah, I get it. Thank you so much. I needed to hear it, all of this. Gotta love the beauty of hindsight--reflecting on things of the past so we can learn to not repeat them. Of course I wouldn't have signed up for that. I just kept making excuses, I guess, and thinking that if he'd just spend some more in-person time with me, he would see how amazing I am in person versus words on a screen and pixels in a photo here and there, and I truly thought we would actually eventually get there. I really felt that given enough time he would find me as worthy of his time and energy to get to know better, because I believe I'm worth it. I thought he would, with time, compassion and acceptance, lower his wall and let me in. Looking back on it now, I wish I had done and said things differently.

    As for pursuing someone for their potential versus who they are--I did feel like I knew him. He's incredibly reserved. I've seen him in social settings and he's so very quiet, doesn't talk to people much. Very much a strong, silent type. But yet, he would tell me things, talk to me and seemingly open up. It felt like he was learning to trust me. Not necessarily making excuses for myself, I guess I just got caught up in hoping for a direction that was probably never on the radar. Now I just need to be done with this and close the door so I can get my head right again.
    Right on, Whillow. Its gonna be ok. We've all done things like this, wasted our time, let ourselves only see what we wanted to see and not just with romantic partners, with friends, family, colleagues....

    Hold on to your accepting nature but reserve it for the people who actually deserve it. The people that invest in you and your relationship.

    Onward and upward!

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  6. #45
    Member proseyxi's Avatar
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    Dear Whillow,

    I listen to The Love Chat, Dating Guy and Derrick Jaxn. While the first two focus on no contact, they do it in a way as to litterally move on from an ex and regain power of your life and dating experience. Derrick is giving advice in a more passionate manner and he has helped me understand that bs is bs, a thing us women some times think is something up to interpretation. All of the are no bs, they are keeping it real and don`t sugar coat. They also don`t sell you things in every single video which is a problem with all these phony "coaches". These are my top 3. Additionally I sometimes listen to Kev Hick and Mark Rosenfeld. They are decent but more diplomatic in their approach.

    As in books, the one that have helped me are How to Think Like a Cat by Stéphane Garnier and Why Men Love es by Sherry Argov which is by now a classic in the dating scene. I also enjoy 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan B. Peterson as in a way to "wake" me up in all aspects of my life. One I`m yet to read and everyone says it helps is the 5 languages of love. So, see that also.

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