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Is this going somewhere?


Whillow

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About 14 months ago on a dating app I matched with a man who is not like anyone I’ve ever met before. He is fiercely independent, sometimes somewhat mysterious, intelligent, has shared with me some of his passions, hears me when I talk about mine and understands them, he's super funny, witty, sarcastic (we joke around ALL the time), and he is SO sexy to me. I could go on, but these are just a few. As somewhat of a caveat, I think he is very scared of rejection, to the point that he shies away from commitment. He is also very reserved and didn't open up much at first. I could look at these things and say he's broken and move on, but we're all broken in some way. We just need to find someone who understands our broken parts and whose parts fit with our own. Just because someone is broken doesn't mean they don't deserve to find love from someone who can still appreciate them. On the same token, maybe I've read him wrong completely. Partly why I'm here asking for y'all's input. (Disclaimer if this counts at all: we've been "intimate" one time).

 

Anyway, obviously, I have developed feelings for him. I'll just come right out and say it, I’m in love with the man. In July of last year I moved away for work and we stopped talking for a while, but in about late August/September we started keeping in occasional contact. His initiation. We even Facetimed a few times (again, his initiation and persistence), and no, we didn't do anything risque--we just talked for hours. In December I was transferred back. Since then we have messaged back-and-forth quite a bit. Two weeks ago he asked me over but I was out of town. This last week, we had some very intimate conversations and talked about getting together and I thought maybe that was going to happen this past weekend, but here it is Sunday and . I have a feeling this Friday he had a date with someone. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but something tells me he did. Not a huge deal. I mean, we aren't in a position relationship-wise to have any sort of expectations or exclusivity, so I'm not mad or jealous (okay, maybe a tiny bit), but mainly I can't help but feel a little hurt that he didn't ask to do something with me, especially in lieu of the things we've been talking about. Again, maybe he was just doing something with his friends, but he was a little evasive, soooo... Anyhoo

 

Over the past few months, I have explained to him that I care for him very much (though I've never told him I'm in love with him) and that I would like to know if we are going somewhere, but yet here we are. He seems to avoid coming right out and answering the question. Sometimes when I tell him that, he goes away for a bit, which I am fine with him taking some time to see where his head is at, and I give him all the space he needs. I don't text him or call him, don't blow up his phone in any way, don't tag him in any social media or like his stuff. Just, you know, step away so he can find himself. I let him come back to me, and he does. Every single time. That said, though, if he weren't interested in me, wouldn't he stop re-initiating contact when I explain to him how I feel? If he weren't interested, wouldn't he hear me and take that time that space I have given him and just not come back? If he were interested, though, wouldn't he be trying to see me more? I sort of feel like we made some headway this past week, but seriously, we've been doing this dance for 14 months. I want to tell him that I'm in love with him, but I'm not sure where to go from there. Should I wait one more week considering our potential progress this past week?

 

Here's what I was going to say to him:

 

So, xxxx, you know I’m in love with you, right? I mean...you must know. I didn’t ask for my heart to feel this way and now I’ve made myself vulnerable—it’s humbling and raw. Not something I do with just anyone. So, if you are being with other women (which I’m guessing is what was happening Friday because you were being evasive), sharing pics with them, having conversations with them like the ones we’ve been having lately (you’re single and probably want to play the field—I get it), but while you’re doing that, if you’re doing that, I’m over here thinking of you. Not that I’m sitting at home doing nothing, but no one is like you. I just keep thinking we may be going somewhere, but, you know, I’ve been back in xxxx for two months, and I feel like if you were interested, you would’ve done something about seeing me by now. And since that hasn’t happened, I feel like I have allowed myself to be very naïve. While I’m fiercely independent and can do or get just about anything I set my mind to, deep down, I’m just a girl who wants to spend time with you if you find heartfelt value in me—my heart, my mind, my soul. If you don’t feel anything like that for me—or if you feel that way toward someone else—please don’t string me along. My heart can’t take ambiguity. If you care about me at all, please message me back or call me and tell me how you feel so I’m not wondering. I’m free this Friday or Saturday. If you want to do something, please let me know by Wednesday.

 

Is that forward? Yes. Is it pushy? Potentially, yes. I would really appreciate your thoughts. Thanks in advance.

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I vote no. In fact, an emphatic NO.

 

You want the reason he backs away to be because he is "scared" or something, but the fact that he "backs away" every time you try to talk about your feelings for him is most likely because he doesn't feel the same way and isn't sure how to tell you without hurting your feelings.

 

I'm sure he thinks you're cool, he liked the sex (why wouldn't he?), he likes conversing with you...but he's doing nothing about spending actual in-person time with you.

 

"Intimate conversations" doesn't mean he has the same feelings you do, so I don't agree it's "progress". They are conversations...nothing more.

 

Splashing your feelings all over him won't change a thing except when he "backs away" yet again or does another vanishing act you'll be cringing, wishing you'd never done it.

 

If you want to try one last time, ask him out on a date. A dinner date, so it's clear what it is. If he agrees and follows through, see if he asks you out. Not a "Netflix and chill" but an actual date. He'll make the effort if he wants the same thing you do. If he continues with messages but no plans, then it's time to write this one off.

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I agree with Boltnrun.

 

Do not send that message. Its quite intense, almost obsessive and as a man who is not in a relationship with you it would scare me off completely.

 

As Bolt said I think he really likes you and your company but if he wanted to be with you it would be on by now.

 

Also agree with Boltnrun in that you are making excuses for him as to why he can't be with you eg he's scared of rejection etc. That's just you imposing your thoughts onto his behaviour. Not healthy. Maybe it's your ego coming up with this way of thinking to protect yourself from feeling rejected?

 

14 months is a long time to be waiting and wishing your life away on a man who you have never been in a relationship with.

 

I'd simply wish him well and tell him you are moving on as things haven't progressed between you.

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Thank you for the responses. Maybe you're right--that part of me is making excuses. It's possible, though, that he's been through something. I mean, people are emotionally unavailable until the right time with the right person. Maybe we're not it for each other or maybe it just hadn't yet been the right time.

 

I agree that the message is intense, though, so I'll take your advice and not send it, and I'll take what y'all have said to heart. That's what I came here to get. Going to take boltnrun's advice and see if he wants to get dinner. If he doesn't and/or if things just do not progress since I've moved back to the area, ninjabib, you were suggesting to tell him I'm moving on, you mean come out and tell him that? I'm all about closure, so I guess I would be telling him that so that he wouldn't continue to message me? Like, "So, I really like you, but since we haven't progressed, I'm going to be dating other people and moving on. Wish you all the best!"?

 

Thanks again!

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I would make sure it's clear it's a date. Not "want to grab some food?" or "want to come to my place and I'll cook for you?" but "would you like to have dinner with me at Very Nice But Not Overly Expensive Restaurant? I hear it's good and I'd love for you to join me there for dinner."

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After 14 months, one would think that he either "found himself" or he's too lost to bother with anymore. I mean, we're talking a full year here, where you keep making excuses for his deplorable and hurtful behavior..."I'm giving him space to find himself." You're nothing more than a wet rug at this point...that that he wipes his feet on with his other conquests. He knows you'll stick around despite his poor treatment of you. After 14 months, you're (considering) writing him and telling him that it's okay if he's seeing other people, and it's okay if he wants to "play the field." You're trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip, all the while telling him it's okay to keep treating you badly.

 

NO!

 

No, no, no.

 

He needs to pee or get off the potty

 

This guy is going to circle back around to you each and every time because you let him, and you keep making excuses for him. When he has nothing else to entertain him, and that other woman doesn't pan out or blows him off on Friday or Saturday, he will contact you as his ever-so-reliable-backup-plan. The second you try to force feelings and something more serious onto him, is the second he backs off for days or weeks, and you start making excuses for him while you are hurt and confused. When he reaches out to you after his absence, he says all the right things and you lap it up like a starving kitten.

 

You deserve better than this.

 

Do not beg him to contact you, telling him him you are free on Friday or Saturday (if, maybe you might get around to me). I agree with Boltnrun, that if you want to give it one last try (seriously, only one), ask him out and be very clear that it's a date. Go OUT, no "Netflix and chill"...in other words, no dates at your home or his...you go out-out. Personally, I've walked this walk, and I don't see the point.

 

I had this on-again-off-again situation, and I realized this would never turn into anything more than a date when he was in the mood (sex didn't always play a role), and I can either enjoy his company with no expectations (on his terms), or completely cut ties...there is no middle here. No expectations, no feelings, no hopes of something more; just a date here and there.

 

If you want more, you need to dump this chump and find someone truly worthy of you.

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Agree with Purplepaisley. He's not scared - he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, and I'm sorry that disappoints you. The real issue is your dishonesty with yourself and your prioritizing your intensity and loving feelings for this person and infatuation over taking care of yourself and being honest with yourself. He may be independent and passionate and what's also true is he doesn't want to be with you. Who knows why -he likes flirting, having sex with you but no he doesn't love you and likely never will. Your sending him that message confirms to him how little regard you have for yourself. I hope you return to a place where you prioritize your well-being and where you're brave enough to be honest with yourself and then you'll motivate others to treat you as you show you deserve to be treated.

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Thank you for the additional feedback. I hope it's not the case, but I agree it's highly possible that our conversations and time together have been merely a convenience. My last relationship ended two years ago, but it was 15 years long. I'm very out of practice with dating, but thanks for the reality check of having left my self-respect at the door.

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Yes, you need a refresher course on dating, since you're out of practice. If a guy you're chatting with doesn't ask you out within 2 weeks, cut the loser loose. You don't need a pen pal. You should have moved on two weeks after you arrived back to town and all he wanted to do was chat for 2 months. And you're not in love. You have a crush. Love takes a while to grow, spending a lot of physical time together over a period of a good year. When the majority of your relationship is online, it's a huge fantasy. And never go to a guy's home, or have him over, until you're ready to be intimate. There are many women who regret moving too fast in that area, but they usually don't regret waiting a bit to try to gauge if a guy really wants to get to know her besides the goal of having sex. If a guy is patient in that area, he's more likely to be longterm material than an impatient guy who wants to lure you to the privacy of his home because he knows the chemistry is wild and willpower will lessen there.

 

And you need to learn the difference between minor flaws and dealbreakers. Many women are nurturers, sometimes to their own detriment, and there are guys out there who have a rescuing mentality. You've already had one failed relationship. Don't you want the next one to succeed? Then stop feeling like everyone deserves love and even if they're broken, you'll be patient because they are sexy and intelligent. If I were you, I'd start reading books and articles on successful dating practices. You've already wasted more than a year on Mr. Nowhere Man. Hopefully, you'll learn from this experience so that you'll date smarter in the future.

 

That message you were going to send him? Never necessary when you're dating the right man. With the right man, you'd be seeing him several times a week, and building a beautiful life with him. If you feel like you have to write notes about not knowing what the hell he's doing in his life, if he's playing tonsil hockey with other beauties, and you're sorta wondering where you stand in all of this and does he need a push because you're about to bail, isn't the answer already clear to you that he's just not that into you? And how can you be in love with a man when you have no idea what he does in his daily life?

 

Take a break from dating until you make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to it. I don't think your self esteem is as it should be, or you wouldn't be settling for breadcrumbs from an acquaintance.

 

It's the beginning of 2020, so think of it as a new beginning where you can create a new life for yourself with someone who actually deserves you. Good luck.

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14 months is a long time to still be wondering. If you feel like things aren't where you'd like, need or want them to be by now, then they're not going to be. You've invested enough time and emotion into a situation that isn't giving you what you need. I'd say it's time to move on.

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ninjabib, you were suggesting to tell him I'm moving on, you mean come out and tell him that? I'm all about closure, so I guess I would be telling him that so that he wouldn't continue to message me? Like, "So, I really like you, but since we haven't progressed, I'm going to be dating other people and moving on. Wish you all the best!"?

 

Thanks again!

 

If he rejects your offer of a serious date then yes I would say I'm just moving on. Its not meant to be as an ultimatum or emotional blackmail but it's a mature way of not ghosting someone. Just letting them know no hard feelings but this friendship isnt doing anything for me

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It's 0900 the day after the Super Bowl, so he's probably sleeping off the night last night, but if I held a place of value at all, I think he would have responded to me in some way by now. Thanks for the assisted wake-up call. I've been making consolations for people my whole life, and while I've made progress myself, there's still some work to do. Time to get that refresher on dating and read some books on healthy boundaries.

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Ok since this is on/off long/short distance and not committed this is casual dating, meaning it's not going anywhere but fun in the moment. Nothing wrong with that but you need to decide if the man you think you are in love with dating others is ok with you.

 

You need to be crystal clear and do what's best for you. Don't make excuses. "Commitmentphobia" is an invented myth to rationalize over-investing in someone who is just having fun coasting along casually.

My last relationship ended two years ago, but it was 15 years long. I'm very out of practice with dating, but thanks for the reality check of having left my self-respect at the door.
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It's 0900 the day after the Super Bowl, so he's probably sleeping off the night last night, but if I held a place of value at all, I think he would have responded to me in some way by now. Thanks for the assisted wake-up call. I've been making consolations for people my whole life, and while I've made progress myself, there's still some work to do. Time to get that refresher on dating and read some books on healthy boundaries.

 

Good for you. I made plenty of dating mistakes myself after my first marriage ended. I kept sifting through the sand before I finally found the treasure. Made me appreciate, that much more, the man who would become my husband. I wish you luck and a happy 2020.

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It's 0900 the day after the Super Bowl, so he's probably sleeping off the night last night, but if I held a place of value at all, I think he would have responded to me in some way by now. Thanks for the assisted wake-up call. I've been making consolations for people my whole life, and while I've made progress myself, there's still some work to do. Time to get that refresher on dating and read some books on healthy boundaries.

 

.....o...m....g.... STOP with the excuses. Look, if a guy is interested in you, as in genuinely interested, wild horses won't stop him from sending back a text "sounds great let's talk details tomorrow, out watching game right now." It takes all of 2 seconds and you need to get it through your head that no matter how big a guy is into whatever, if he is interested in you, you will take some priority for the time it takes to text a response.

 

This guy blows hot and cold because he is an a hole who loves to play games with your head. Meanwhile, his silence is "mysterious" to you. A puzzle you want to solve, you will be the hero who gives him space. What space? Serious question, OP. What space? You are not dating, you are not living together. It's not even and fwb because you don't see each other. You chat some and you think you have a relationship and you are in love? In love with what besides your own imagination? You don't know him, you don't even know if he is actually single or has a wife or gf or a dozen other women he is chatting away with just like you. Poor poor broken soul with a stable of desperate girls ready to service him if only he'd oblige. He goes away and comes around because he does what guys like him do - rotate the silly women in his stable - entertaining and refreshing for him.

 

Bottom line is don't be so desperate that you pick up the first mysterious sparkly turd and start spinning stories how the poor damaged man must be nurtured back to life and health with the power of your love. You are being toxic af to yourself here.

 

If you want a healthy relationship, then seek out men who are healthy, available and treat you with respect, take you out on dates, not chatter online, do as they promise when they promise, make you feel safe. This guy is none of that. Raise your standards for crying out loud.

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You sound like a sensitive and a really wonderful woman. First and foremost...how many times have you actually met in person?

How old are you both, if I may ?

As others so rightly said, this is a fantasy situationship. He may actually be married and just kills time with you. He may have a partner and enjoys chit chat or deeper debates.

Been there, done it....it's sour when you realise, person you opened to, does not even exist.

Glad you didn't send the message. He doesn't deserve your warmth and love. He didn't invest any time in this....or did he ?

As you were advised, if after two weeks,man does not show interest in a meeting, he clearly has an agenda.

Don't open yourself to someone you met online...you will feel so exposed after. I know you are feeling like you know him, like you have a special bond. If that would be the case, don't you think this man would crave your company ? To see you, to touch you ? To be around you?

Please ,please don't make excuses for him. Yes, we all have our past and anxieties. However, I am certain if this man would be interested and invested like you are, you wouldn't have to type this message today.

I am sorry this is happening to you as you really sound very special.

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You sound like a sensitive and a really wonderful woman.

 

Thank you very much.

 

First and foremost...how many times have you actually met in person?

 

Not enough.

 

 

How old are you both, if I may ?

 

I'm 40 and he's significantly younger. I'm certainly old enough to know better than to be in this situation.

 

As others so rightly said, this is a fantasy situationship. He may actually be married and just kills time with you. He may have a partner and enjoys chit chat or deeper debates.

Been there, done it....it's sour when you realise, person you opened to, does not even exist.

Glad you didn't send the message. He doesn't deserve your warmth and love. He didn't invest any time in this....or did he ?

As you were advised, if after two weeks,man does not show interest in a meeting, he clearly has an agenda.

Don't open yourself to someone you met online...you will feel so exposed after. I know you are feeling like you know him, like you have a special bond. If that would be the case, don't you think this man would crave your company ? To see you, to touch you ? To be around you?

Please ,please don't make excuses for him. Yes, we all have our past and anxieties. However, I am certain if this man would be interested and invested like you are, you wouldn't have to type this message today.

I am sorry this is happening to you as you really sound very special.

 

I suppose he could be married to someone in a completely different geographical location, but I don't think so. I know he doesn't have anyone living with him--I've been to his home and there's nothing feminine there.

 

Today I sent a quick/brief message to him saying, "Okay, big guy, this isn't going anywhere, so I'm moving on. I truly wish you all the best." No response--as I expected, and that's perfectly fine. I don't need one. I can almost guarantee you, though, that in less than two weeks he'll send a random message to me as though nothing happened--classic XXXX.

 

Thanks again for the feedback, y'all.

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Ok this sounds like fun and in the moment and a nice reentry into dating. As long as it's viewed as such you'll be fine. Think of him as training wheels for real dating.

 

However if he wants casual and you want a relationship you may get hurt or at very best be wasting some time.

I'm 40 and he's significantly younger. Today I sent a quick/brief message to him saying, "Okay, big guy, this isn't going anywhere, so I'm moving on. I truly wish you all the best."
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Think of him as training wheels for real dating.

 

Agreed.

 

Sounds like you really, really like the idea of what or who he could be far more than you actually like him. When you're more open to genuine connection and someone who exceeds the limits of your own imagination, the potential of someone, and what kind of notes can be sent to slyly extract it, will be much less interesting than finding someone who naturally meets you on your level, without all the swordplay.

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