Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18

Thread: Still single dumpers scary indifference after LTR and within 3 months of BU

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Posts
    27

    Still single dumpers scary indifference after LTR and within 3 months of BU

    I had a friend who talked to my ex today. We broke up after happy 4.5 years (2 living together) over me snooping on his phone, add some online stalking after the break up to it. He couldn't forgive me. I feel so guilty because I was so sure he wanted to cheat on me since he actively online flirted for a month with 3 girls after I clearly said I'm not comfortable with it. (and the chats were not exactly okay, more like ambiguous flirts). I really thought he had grass is greener syndrome. Texting started mid September, snooping end September, break up halloween. We've been no contact since December.

    Anyway the things I heard now are:
    - maybe we could be friends in a few months, he wouldn't mind but he doesn't need to be either
    - when i was mentioned, he avoided commenting on it, but another day he mentioned me himself (regarding sports)
    - he said our relationship is over, sees no reconciliation because he can't forgive me
    - he misses our dog
    - he still didn't sleep with anyone nor has a girlfriend
    - he was showing our friend photos of himself and intentionally zoomed in to himself only, trying not to look at me. He said he deleted my nudes but kept all the other photos for nice memories
    - he said we have rarely contact because I'm too emotional and he's just neutral
    - he came off as very neutral, having no negative or positive feelings towards me,

    And this last thing is what bothers me the most. He's famous for bottling up negative emotions, never showing them but showing so much indifference is extra hurtful. The friend said its like I never existed and he thought it was quite scary. Is this normal? Has anyone felt like this or is he in denial?

    I feel so much guilt for losing the person whom I loved the most, with whom we had plans for the future, who has always been good to me over some trivial texting with some chics he just met. I should have trusted him more but I was insecure, being cheated on before.

    Additionally they got drunk and this friend told him I still love him/want him back every second (facepalm, I'm working so hard on NC since 2 months and now he tells him this). He just replied: it's not gonna happen. A change of heart is close to 0 right?

    edit: i did ask this friend of ours to ask him about his feelings because i have to decide whether to cancel photographing his moms wedding.
    Last edited by CatHeroine; 02-02-2020 at 06:37 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,443
    What kind of "friend" is this??? Does this so called friend dislike you or is jealous of you for some reason? Why would this person deliberately try to hurt you with tales about your ex?

    You can forgive yourself because what you did was damaging to the relationship but it wasn't malicious like cheating or lying. Forgive yourself so you can move forward with your life. And tell this alleged friend to shut it when they try to start gossiping to you about your ex.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,632
    Gender
    Female
    I feel so much guilt for losing the person whom I loved the most, with whom we had plans for the future, who has always been good to me over some trivial texting with some chics he just met. I should have trusted him more but I was insecure, being cheated on before.
    You told him you were uncomfortable with him inappropriately flirting and he went ahead after that and continued to do it and with "some chics he just met" which is actively pursuing if you ask me. So, of course you're not going to be able to trust him.

    Be glad he's gone and let go of any hope of him reconsidering. If he was a good man worth being with, he wouldn't be getting attention from other women like that.

    Let it go and accept its over so you can actually start the healing process and eventually be ready to find a guy that doesn't need that kind of out-side-of-the-relationship-attention.

    Don't snoop anymore... though. When you're with someone you actually can trust, you'll not have an urgency to even have to like you did with your ex.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Posts
    27
    sorry for not being clear. i have yet to make a choice to photograph his mothers (bless her) wedding, and i asked him to find out what he feels about me. turns out he has 0 emotions, no bad, no good.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,443
    Originally Posted by CatHeroine
    sorry for not being clear. i have yet to make a choice to photograph his mothers (bless her) wedding, and i asked him to find out what he feels about me. turns out he has 0 emotions, no bad, no good.
    So you asked him to ask your ex about you?

    Hm, I wouldn't have recommended that because it's very obvious you put him up to it. I mean, who cares what your ex thinks but still...

    Will seeing your ex cause you to feel intense emotions? Can you hold it together while serving as photographer for a very important event?

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Posts
    27
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You told him you were uncomfortable with him inappropriately flirting and he went ahead after that and continued to do it and with "some chics he just met" which is actively pursuing if you ask me. So, of course you're not going to be able to trust him.

    Be glad he's gone and let go of any hope of him reconsidering. If he was a good man worth being with, he wouldn't be getting attention from other women like that.

    Let it go and accept its over so you can actually start the healing process and eventually be ready to find a guy that doesn't need that kind of out-side-of-the-relationship-attention.

    Don't snoop anymore... though. When you're with someone you actually can trust, you'll not have an urgency to even have to like you did with your ex.
    you're right, i never felt the need, but this time i was trying to find out whether hes lying about only being friendly with them (he still insists he did nothing wrong) or there was more.... turns out its not black and white because we had different boundaries as to what flirting is. he still thinks it was fine, he admitted to flirting and not everything he did was correct. but his boundary regarding snooping was extremely tight, which i didnt expect, as i am more flexible in that (i really wouldnt care and he was always ok with me seeing his social media, he always kept it open - but i never did check it until the end)....mne was also always open.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Posts
    27
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So you asked him to ask your ex about you?

    Hm, I wouldn't have recommended that because it's very obvious you put him up to it. I mean, who cares what your ex thinks but still...

    Will seeing your ex cause you to feel intense emotions? Can you hold it together while serving as photographer for a very important event?
    thats something i dont know and trying to figure out, its been 3 months, 4 months from when the fear of losng him began....i have 5 more months and i feel 0 progress (im stuck at home with my parents, jobless, i moved back to my country where not many friends are around, its winter, theres no gym in my area...). id even say i was more ok in the beginning because i still had hope but now its worse again, but its not linear right...but its been 4,5 years and his family was my family, but except his mom, everyone cut contact with me (sister, sisters husband). it almost feels like a power game, i come and show my best self, but still be only a service for them or show my strength to cut all ties and cancel. another wedding of his family friend is in august....

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,443
    Would showing your best self be for your benefit or are you hoping your ex sees and notices and asks for you back?

    When you imagine it in your mind (and I know you do!), how does it play out?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,723
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You told him you were uncomfortable with him inappropriately flirting and he went ahead after that and continued to do it and with "some chics he just met" which is actively pursuing if you ask me. So, of course you're not going to be able to trust him.
    I agree with this.

    Believe it or not things wonít get any better after this door has been opened.

    By your friend declaring you want him back, he now knows youíll stay even if he does cheat.

    He flirted with other women, you told him it made you uncomfortable and he kept doing it.

    Then it comes out you snooped and surprise, surprise, you take all the blame.

    Not saying you donít deserve blame here, snooping is wrong, but I canít help but wonder why you chose to snoop if you didnít actually plan to leave to begin with? And donít say you would have because itís quite clear how easily you seem to be willing to overlook his actions so long as he takes you back. You handed him your power, your voice, if you get back together trust me, all this will bubble up again and either youíll snoop again or donít, he will continue to do as he pleases and youíll be miserible.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,443
    I went back to an ex after he cheated.

    He (shockingly) continued to cheat after we reconciled.

    When I asked him about it, he said "you knew what I was like and you came back anyway, so I figured you liked it."

    Hard to argue with that logic.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •