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Thread: Hes going to Vegas on our anniversary...

  1. #21
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    I don't think this Vegas trip is the biggest issue here. I understand being upset that the trip happened to fall on your anniversary and I also understand how you'd feel uncomfortable about the trip since you feel like you two do t get enough alone time. However, I do think that it's okay for him to take this trip to Vegas. He didn't originally plan to do the trip on your anniversary and things happen all the time. At least he is making effort to have an anniversary dinner and spend time with you the weekend after he's back. Letting the Vegas trip go is the best thing you can do and he'd appreciate you being understanding about him wanting to do something that makes him happy. You have to put yourself in his shoes and think of a scenario of something that you might be super excited about and want to do. What if he tried to make you feel guilty for wanting to do that? I know it's not easy. We are often blinded by out own emotions but you have to think logically too.

    The bigger issue is that you clearly don't seem happy with the amount of one on one time you two spend. He may not be bothered by it nearly as much as you and sometimes it's hard to communicate this without feeling like you're being pushy or clingy, etc. Having anxiety on top of everything will cause you to overthink everything you say or do, etc. I get it but you have to learn to communicate better with your partner so that you two can either work together on ways to compromise or become aware of each other's needs and wants. It's not easy to keep from letting emotions taking control. Instead of talking to him when you are super upset or worked up about it... Find a time when you feel as calm as possible and open to communication and open to hearing things you might not always agree with. Then maybe you could explain that while you enjoy spending time with him and his friends or your friends that you would like to spend more time together. What can we do to make this happen? Maybe he would be okay with you coming by on a Tuesday or Thursday for a quick dinner together before he goes to bed or maybe occasionally on a Monday or Wednesday he could set aside one of his hobbies or you could see about joining him on one of these hobbies every now and then. This is definitely not an issue that will be solved overnight and it may take some give and take from both of you. If he isn't willing to work with you on this... then like the others are saying... This may be a compatibility issue and you may have to do some serious thinking on whether you are going to be happy in this relationship and where it's going. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions.

  2. #22
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    I think he doesn't want to sign up for true, lasting commitment to a woman with two children - by only seeing you on weekends he doesn't have to get involved in your daily life. His lifestyle is so very different from yours that he's content to see you when it's fun and convenient. I'm not going to judge him as Peter Pan -he's simply not ready to commit to the package deal you present.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think you two might have different ideas about what is happening in this relationship.
    You:
    1. prioritizes making regular time to be together
    2. prioritizes the anniversary

    him:
    1. prioritizes other things above making regular time to be together
    2. prioritizes a trip with friends above the anniversary

    You:
    1. responsibilities including home and children

    Him
    1. lives at home where many needs, I assume, at least, some responsibilities are taken care of by his parents

    Maybe you're concerns about vegas, the anniversary, the day to day workings of the relationship are telling you something about this man and relationship. Your own anxiety could be your body and mind reacting to your needs not being met by this man.

    It makes no difference who agrees with you or him. The relationship is between the two of you.

    Sadly, to love someone is not enough to keep a relationship going. I hear so many people saying things like that.... But you will never love someone enough for two. He has to put in his share or you will continue to feel this way until you get so fed up, you quit....

    Because you're loving him over yourself.... and you're sacrificing, where he sees no sacrifice. So there's no appreciation for your efforts. That leads to resentment...

    He's going, its not up to you. what are you going to do? What can you do?

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by You4me2020
    I'm a really anxious person and said basically I wish he wouldn't, he rarely has time for me and I didn't think it was OK that he could make time to go to Vegas for 6 days yet he rarely sees me.



    Am I being totally irrational here? I feel like I explain why I'm sad and he shrugs his shoulders and says well I can't change it.

    It's extremely frustrating as if the roles were reversed I'd have cancelled as soon as I knew it had happened.
    I was in a similar situation. My former GF went to LV several times to see her female friend for different reasons: her friend was sad, her friend was fighting with her mom, her friend needed the support, etc. I understood those reasons, but pointed out to my GF that she never accommodated ME. She would do tons of things for her friends, this one and other ones, but never anything for me, and cancelled plans with me if necessary. It took me a *very long time* to leave, and only when it got intolerable, but it hurt my heart and my soul too much to be put 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.

    I would have never done the same things either, and that's why ultimately we were incompatible. It hurts a lot, though, I know. I sympathize with you.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bossanova67
    I was in a similar situation. My former GF went to LV several times to see her female friend for different reasons: her friend was sad, her friend was fighting with her mom, her friend needed the support, etc. I understood those reasons, but pointed out to my GF that she never accommodated ME. She would do tons of things for her friends, this one and other ones, but never anything for me, and cancelled plans with me if necessary. It took me a *very long time* to leave, and only when it got intolerable, but it hurt my heart and my soul too much to be put 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc.

    I would have never done the same things either, and that's why ultimately we were incompatible. It hurts a lot, though, I know. I sympathize with you.
    You4Me meet Bossanova... Bossanove meet You4Me. You two seem to have the same attachment style.

    *Last time I introduced two forum members like that they ended up getting married and have a beautiful daughter now... they lived a continent apart.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    You two seem to have the same attachment style.
    Lol - All too true. I read the book "Attached" (listened to audio version 2-3 times, visually read the book 1-2 times), and identified myself immediately as having an Anxious attachment style, and my former GF as Avoidant. Still hurts but it explains partially what happened.

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