Post Break up Dating

Not sure if I should post this here or under healing after breakup but here's my question:

I'm now about 3 months post breakup and same time in NC. Having worked through most (not all) of my feelings around my breakup, I've gotten back into the dating pool and today went on a date with a really great girl who I clicked with pretty well. My question for some of you who've gone through this: did it feel weird getting back out there for a while? Thoughts in the back of your mind like "what if my ex wants to reconcile?".

I haven't had these thoughts in any of my other past breakups so not sure why I'm feeling this way now. Maybe it's because I'm not fully 100% over it or something else. Just curious on thoughts.

BTW, I'm not holding out hope for my ex, it would be nice but her actions have showed me she isn't coming back so I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for her.

Congrats on 3 months of NC.

BUT if there's an internal voice second guessing your decision to date again, then you aren't ready to date.

How long were you with your ex?

 

How long were you with your ex?

We were officially together less than a year but we had known each other and feelings had developed probably 2 years.

I think such thoughts are inevitable, regardless of how "healed" or how "ready" we are. Dating is weird, and all the weirder when we haven't done it in a while. Takes readjusting to, in short.

Example: I went on a date 3 months after my last breakup. Wasn't sure I was ready—wasn't swiping or actively trying to date, knew I was still processing. But met someone, figured a drink couldn't hurt. Toes dipping into the water. The whole thing had an out of body quality, and, yeah, I was thinking about my ex a lot. In my case, the takeaway was clear: this wasn't for me, not yet. Too heavy.

It was another 4-5 months until I went on another date, by which point I think I was genuinely "ready," in that I wasn't really hung up on things, thinking about all that anymore. Still, it was weird because dating is weird, not because talking to a stranger about her hobbies threw me into a nostalgia vortex. And then...it became less weird, just life. I remembered that dating was a pretty fun, pretty low-impact activity—just meeting people, seeing what's what, with all outcomes fine.

So, for you? Just be honest with yourself about what's stirring, the potency of it. If it feels too heavy, too soon, maybe give yourself a bit more time. But if you can just observe these feelings without getting spun around about them—well, then maybe it's all good. Put another toe in the water to test the temperature. I've now been in a relationship for over a year. Here and there, because I'm a human, I've thought about various exes, as I'm sure my girlfriend has. But those thoughts aren't hurricanes or tornados, more like little breezes that vanish as quickly as them came: humanity and history, not unresolved damage, if that makes sense.

Can I ask how old you are? I ask because I think, as we get older, connections and missed connections carry a bit more psychic weight. So the fact that you didn't have these thoughts in the past might not be because this one relationship was so profound but more because you've just matured and evolved emotionally.

I dont think you are ready to date again, just yet.

Can I ask how old you are? I ask because I think, as we get older, connections and missed connections carry a bit more psychic weight. So the fact that you didn't have these thoughts in the past might not be because this one relationship was so profound but more because you've just matured and evolved emotionally.

Sure, I'm 39. This makes a lot of sense. My last serious relationship before the most recent one was about 4-5 years ago so that would definitely explain what you're talking about.

I guess part of me felt guilty that I was out on a date with this great woman but after the date was over still thought about my ex but as you said, it is inevitable that we'd think about them, maybe even subconsciously compare them. Thankfully the lady I went on a date with yesterday isn't ready to jump into anything serious either so maybe take it slow?

Sure, I'm 39. This makes a lot of sense. My last serious relationship before the most recent one was about 4-5 years ago so that would definitely explain what you're talking about.

 

I guess part of me felt guilty that I was out on a date with this great woman but after the date was over still thought about my ex but as you said, it is inevitable that we'd think about them, maybe even subconsciously compare them. Thankfully the lady I went on a date with yesterday isn't ready to jump into anything serious either so maybe take it slow?

I'm not sure about being ready to date... your gut should tell you. As bluecastle said in his example, it felt heavy.

Maybe like you said, take it slow and date around. I think that is beneficial... no pressure.

What made you decide to date again?

On 12/27 you wrote about how you'd "love to work it out". That's only a little over a month ago.

Are you "distraction dating", hoping seeing someone else will soothe you?

Please put on your dating profile that you're just looking for someone to go places with. Don't put that you want to "take it slow" because that implies you're relationship ready but just want to take your time. Not that you still harbor thoughts of reconciliation with your ex.

If your ex contacted you today and said she'd like to get together to discuss possible reconciliation would you want to?

What made you decide to date again?

My situation was kind of like bluecastle's...I wasn't really looking for someone, she just kind of appeared. Figured it'd be a good way to dip my toe back into the dating pool.

On 12/27 you wrote about how you'd "love to work it out". That's only a little over a month ago.

 

Are you "distraction dating", hoping seeing someone else will soothe you?

 

Please put on your dating profile that you're just looking for someone to go places with. Don't put that you want to "take it slow" because that implies you're relationship ready but just want to take your time. Not that you still harbor thoughts of reconciliation with your ex.

 

If your ex contacted you today and said she'd like to get together to discuss possible reconciliation would you want to?

I'm not sure about distraction dating, I'm perfectly fine doing my own thing and have been single quite a bit so I don't feel the need to have someone or be in a relationship. I've also processed most of my feelings as far as the breakup. The last remaining things I have is the guilt about my faults but there isn't any longing she'd come back or pain. Not sure if this answered your questions but for me distraction dating would be mainly as a way to forget about the breakup or find someone else to fill that spot which I don't think I'm doing in this situation.

As far as if my ex contacted me about reconciliation, I'd be open to discussing it with an understanding of working on our issues and being completely open about our past relationship. I would not jump into a relationship with her again.

I dont think you are ready to date again, just yet.

I'd echo something along these lines. Speaking for myself, I know there was a difference—or a shift—when the comparisons stopped happening and when I knew, in my cells, that whatever existed between my ex and I was in the past and nothing could change that. The aforementioned heaviness: that's kind of what creates the weight, the inability to see a new person as just that, as opposed to x where another was y, or also z like someone else.

Extra important? The ability to be completely disappointed by dating without that disappointment making you think about an ex, about going backwards for comfort, security, answers, self-chastisement, whatever. I dated for a year and a half before getting into a new relationship, after 6-8 months of no dating minus that one blip. Good times, bad times, meh times. A little micro relationship that burned hot, left some new marks when it burned out. But all good: new people, new experiences, present tense. Not quite sure you're there, and that is okay. I might be wrong as well. You know you better than I do.

As for the idea of "taking it slow"—well, that always healthy, though it shouldn't be in response to emotional fragility. In fact, I think the phrase is generally used by fragile people. Like, I think I took things "slow" with everyone I dated, including my now girlfriend, but that wasn't because I was scared or skittish still processing a history or romantic pain and confusion. I wasn't trying to "get it right" by going about it differently. It just takes time to get to know someone, to connect sincerely. I'm a little over a year in, now living with someone, but I still feel we're moving slow, just starting out.

I'm about your age, by the way, just turned 40. It's been a good stretch, the past few years. Think I needed more time away from romance to reset some scales and shed some dregs of adolescence. Perhaps whatever is stirring in you is some of that: things that need to be shed a bit before you're ready to explore new connections without the weight, so you can get all sorts of heavy with someone with it all feeling light.

So let's say you "take it slow" with a new woman. You two date occasionally, then it becomes more than occasionally. She's thinking, this is great! We're taking things slow and progressing...I may have a new relationship here! Then your ex contacts you, whether it's to discuss possible reconciliation or just "to say 'hi'" or see how you're doing and suggests maybe getting together for coffee. Your mind goes backwards, remembering those feelings and maybe even still feeling them. You then have to tell the new woman you are meeting up with the ex (because you really do want to since you'd "love to work it out"). Then you're hurting someone else.

I made the mistake of getting into a relationship with someone when my ex dumped me and I was feeling awful and heartbroken. People were telling me that old tired "the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one!!!" so I did. I pined for my ex while dating the new guy. It was pretty much awful. For him too, I presume, since I wasn't upfront about using him to try to make myself feel better about getting dumped by the man I REALLY wanted to be with.

That's why I ask that you don't say "I want to take things slow" (which means "I'm open to a relationship with you") when you really mean "I'm not in any place to be starting something new".