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Thread: Post Break up Dating

  1. #1
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    Post Break up Dating

    Not sure if I should post this here or under healing after breakup but here's my question:

    I'm now about 3 months post breakup and same time in NC. Having worked through most (not all) of my feelings around my breakup, I've gotten back into the dating pool and today went on a date with a really great girl who I clicked with pretty well. My question for some of you who've gone through this: did it feel weird getting back out there for a while? Thoughts in the back of your mind like "what if my ex wants to reconcile?".

    I haven't had these thoughts in any of my other past breakups so not sure why I'm feeling this way now. Maybe it's because I'm not fully 100% over it or something else. Just curious on thoughts.

    BTW, I'm not holding out hope for my ex, it would be nice but her actions have showed me she isn't coming back so I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for her.

  2. #2
    Silver Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Congrats on 3 months of NC.

    BUT if there's an internal voice second guessing your decision to date again, then you aren't ready to date.

    How long were you with your ex?

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    Originally Posted by LootieTootie

    How long were you with your ex?
    We were officially together less than a year but we had known each other and feelings had developed probably 2 years.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think such thoughts are inevitable, regardless of how "healed" or how "ready" we are. Dating is weird, and all the weirder when we haven't done it in a while. Takes readjusting to, in short.

    Example: I went on a date 3 months after my last breakup. Wasn't sure I was ready—wasn't swiping or actively trying to date, knew I was still processing. But met someone, figured a drink couldn't hurt. Toes dipping into the water. The whole thing had an out of body quality, and, yeah, I was thinking about my ex a lot. In my case, the takeaway was clear: this wasn't for me, not yet. Too heavy.

    It was another 4-5 months until I went on another date, by which point I think I was genuinely "ready," in that I wasn't really hung up on things, thinking about all that anymore. Still, it was weird because dating is weird, not because talking to a stranger about her hobbies threw me into a nostalgia vortex. And then...it became less weird, just life. I remembered that dating was a pretty fun, pretty low-impact activity—just meeting people, seeing what's what, with all outcomes fine.

    So, for you? Just be honest with yourself about what's stirring, the potency of it. If it feels too heavy, too soon, maybe give yourself a bit more time. But if you can just observe these feelings without getting spun around about them—well, then maybe it's all good. Put another toe in the water to test the temperature. I've now been in a relationship for over a year. Here and there, because I'm a human, I've thought about various exes, as I'm sure my girlfriend has. But those thoughts aren't hurricanes or tornados, more like little breezes that vanish as quickly as them came: humanity and history, not unresolved damage, if that makes sense.

    Can I ask how old you are? I ask because I think, as we get older, connections and missed connections carry a bit more psychic weight. So the fact that you didn't have these thoughts in the past might not be because this one relationship was so profound but more because you've just matured and evolved emotionally.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I dont think you are ready to date again, just yet.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Can I ask how old you are? I ask because I think, as we get older, connections and missed connections carry a bit more psychic weight. So the fact that you didn't have these thoughts in the past might not be because this one relationship was so profound but more because you've just matured and evolved emotionally.
    Sure, I'm 39. This makes a lot of sense. My last serious relationship before the most recent one was about 4-5 years ago so that would definitely explain what you're talking about.

    I guess part of me felt guilty that I was out on a date with this great woman but after the date was over still thought about my ex but as you said, it is inevitable that we'd think about them, maybe even subconsciously compare them. Thankfully the lady I went on a date with yesterday isn't ready to jump into anything serious either so maybe take it slow?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dr_loomis7
    Sure, I'm 39. This makes a lot of sense. My last serious relationship before the most recent one was about 4-5 years ago so that would definitely explain what you're talking about.

    I guess part of me felt guilty that I was out on a date with this great woman but after the date was over still thought about my ex but as you said, it is inevitable that we'd think about them, maybe even subconsciously compare them. Thankfully the lady I went on a date with yesterday isn't ready to jump into anything serious either so maybe take it slow?
    Sometimes it can be a little weird because maybe we're so used to being with the ex.... and change is uncomfortable....

    I'm not sure about being ready to date... your gut should tell you. As bluecastle said in his example, it felt heavy.

    Maybe like you said, take it slow and date around. I think that is beneficial... no pressure.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    What made you decide to date again?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    On 12/27 you wrote about how you'd "love to work it out". That's only a little over a month ago.

    Are you "distraction dating", hoping seeing someone else will soothe you?

    Please put on your dating profile that you're just looking for someone to go places with. Don't put that you want to "take it slow" because that implies you're relationship ready but just want to take your time. Not that you still harbor thoughts of reconciliation with your ex.

    If your ex contacted you today and said she'd like to get together to discuss possible reconciliation would you want to?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    What made you decide to date again?
    My situation was kind of like bluecastle's...I wasn't really looking for someone, she just kind of appeared. Figured it'd be a good way to dip my toe back into the dating pool.

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