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Thread: Post Break up Dating

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    On 12/27 you wrote about how you'd "love to work it out". That's only a little over a month ago.

    Are you "distraction dating", hoping seeing someone else will soothe you?

    Please put on your dating profile that you're just looking for someone to go places with. Don't put that you want to "take it slow" because that implies you're relationship ready but just want to take your time. Not that you still harbor thoughts of reconciliation with your ex.

    If your ex contacted you today and said she'd like to get together to discuss possible reconciliation would you want to?
    I'm not sure about distraction dating, I'm perfectly fine doing my own thing and have been single quite a bit so I don't feel the need to have someone or be in a relationship. I've also processed most of my feelings as far as the breakup. The last remaining things I have is the guilt about my faults but there isn't any longing she'd come back or pain. Not sure if this answered your questions but for me distraction dating would be mainly as a way to forget about the breakup or find someone else to fill that spot which I don't think I'm doing in this situation.

    As far as if my ex contacted me about reconciliation, I'd be open to discussing it with an understanding of working on our issues and being completely open about our past relationship. I would not jump into a relationship with her again.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I dont think you are ready to date again, just yet.
    I'd echo something along these lines. Speaking for myself, I know there was a difference—or a shift—when the comparisons stopped happening and when I knew, in my cells, that whatever existed between my ex and I was in the past and nothing could change that. The aforementioned heaviness: that's kind of what creates the weight, the inability to see a new person as just that, as opposed to x where another was y, or also z like someone else.

    Extra important? The ability to be completely disappointed by dating without that disappointment making you think about an ex, about going backwards for comfort, security, answers, self-chastisement, whatever. I dated for a year and a half before getting into a new relationship, after 6-8 months of no dating minus that one blip. Good times, bad times, meh times. A little micro relationship that burned hot, left some new marks when it burned out. But all good: new people, new experiences, present tense. Not quite sure you're there, and that is okay. I might be wrong as well. You know you better than I do.

    As for the idea of "taking it slow"—well, that always healthy, though it shouldn't be in response to emotional fragility. In fact, I think the phrase is generally used by fragile people. Like, I think I took things "slow" with everyone I dated, including my now girlfriend, but that wasn't because I was scared or skittish still processing a history or romantic pain and confusion. I wasn't trying to "get it right" by going about it differently. It just takes time to get to know someone, to connect sincerely. I'm a little over a year in, now living with someone, but I still feel we're moving slow, just starting out.

    I'm about your age, by the way, just turned 40. It's been a good stretch, the past few years. Think I needed more time away from romance to reset some scales and shed some dregs of adolescence. Perhaps whatever is stirring in you is some of that: things that need to be shed a bit before you're ready to explore new connections without the weight, so you can get all sorts of heavy with someone with it all feeling light.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    So let's say you "take it slow" with a new woman. You two date occasionally, then it becomes more than occasionally. She's thinking, this is great! We're taking things slow and progressing...I may have a new relationship here! Then your ex contacts you, whether it's to discuss possible reconciliation or just "to say 'hi'" or see how you're doing and suggests maybe getting together for coffee. Your mind goes backwards, remembering those feelings and maybe even still feeling them. You then have to tell the new woman you are meeting up with the ex (because you really do want to since you'd "love to work it out"). Then you're hurting someone else.

    I made the mistake of getting into a relationship with someone when my ex dumped me and I was feeling awful and heartbroken. People were telling me that old tired "the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one!!!" so I did. I pined for my ex while dating the new guy. It was pretty much awful. For him too, I presume, since I wasn't upfront about using him to try to make myself feel better about getting dumped by the man I REALLY wanted to be with.

    That's why I ask that you don't say "I want to take things slow" (which means "I'm open to a relationship with you") when you really mean "I'm not in any place to be starting something new".

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