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Thread: Pattern of disrespect and lying

  1. #51
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    you don't "THINK" marriage is a commitment -- well the billions of people who actually married would not agree.
    Well as someone that both lived together and then got married, I'd say we were just a committed in one dynamic as we were in the other. We only married once we wanted to start a family because the laws at the time would have made it easier on our children. I also considered changing my last name to his when we only lived together however; it would have been a tad more difficult unless we were to marry so we waited. One dynamic is no less "committed" than the other if you are just as committed to one another in one as you would be in the other.

    Trying to invalidate someone who thinks living together is just as committed as not living together is futile.

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I don't see that his behavior is consistent with a "stable " parent or home.

    Stability can be created in two homes. It doesn't require the parents to stay together no matter what.
    stability = starting out with stable, good healthy relationship vs starting one with a guy who confirmed opinions about marriage.

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Well as someone that both lived together and then got married, I'd say we were just a committed in one dynamic as we were in the other. We only married once we wanted to start a family because the laws at the time would have made it easier on our children. I also considered changing my last name to his when we only lived together however; it would have been a tad more difficult unless we were to marry so we waited. One dynamic is no less "committed" than the other if you are just as committed to one another in one as you would be in the other.

    Trying to invalidate someone who thinks living together is just as committed as not living together is futile.
    "i don't think marriage is a commitment"......well marriage *is* a commitment. I am not saying there are not other forms of commitment, but marriage *is* one.


    and your example, you are talking about two committed people who weren't married - not two people who do *not* want to commit and expect the other one to be committed.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    "i don't think marriage is a commitment"......well marriage *is* a commitment.
    It is in your opinion as is living together a commitment in the Op's mind.

    I am not saying there are not other forms of commitment, but marriage *is* one.
    It isn't in the opinion of the OP though.


    and your example, you are talking about two committed people who weren't married - not two people who do *not* want to commit and expect the other one to be committed.
    The point is to illustrate why you trying to tell someone that doesn't think marriage is a commitment is one.

    As a side note. Yes, marriage IS a commitment to millions of people... just as it is NOT considered as being any more committed to those that just live together.

    In the interests of keeping the thread on the actual issue I'll just reiterate Op that if he and you both don't agree to go to marriage counselling (as a common law married couple or an outright married couple) then you might as well just get to a lawyer to find out your rights and obligations under your 'marital' dynamic and get started on your "uncoupling" as Gwenyth Paltrow calls it.

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  6. #55
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    My apologies. My intention was not to bash the entire concept of marriage, which I know is sacred and deeply meaningful to many people. As I said, for a long time we talked about having a small, private ceremony, as we were both deeply committed to each other at the time we decided to have a child together. He did not engage in this behavior at that time, nor did he give any indication that he ever would. I know people begin to show their true colors as relationships mature, and I really should've taken that into consideration. But it was never like he told me "I don't want to marry you because I'm not committed to you." Had we gotten married before she was born, he likely would have still done this. I don't think the act of marriage would have changed that. I don't think it's entirely pertinent to the situation now, regardless.
    Last edited by miasari; 01-31-2020 at 08:37 PM.

  7. #56
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    Originally Posted by miasari
    My apologies. My intention was not to bash the entire concept of marriage, which I know is sacred and deeply meaningful to many people. As I said, for a long time we talked about having a small, private ceremony, as we were both deeply committed to each other at the time we decided to have a child together. He did not engage in this behavior at that time, nor did he give any indication that he ever would. I know people begin to show their true colors as relationships mature, and I really should've taken that into consideration. But it was never like he told me "I don't want to marry you because I'm not committed to you." Had we gotten married before Jaynie was born, he likely would have still done this. I don't think the act of marriage would have changed that. I don't think it's entirely pertinent to the situation now, regardless.
    Marriage would not have made any difference. This is who he is.

  8. #57
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Marriage would not have made any difference. This is who he is.
    This is true!

  9. #58
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    Agree with everyone else but I also want to point out that your partner didn't only emotionally cheat but took it further than that. He was actually talking to an ex, which in itself is kind of inappropriate. And he asked the ex to send him nude pictures! She said they weren't unsolicited. That means he asked to see the photos! So he was actually actively engaged in sexual behavior with another woman. And he lied to her and said you broke up! And he was doing all that while you were expecting his baby!

    Also he sounds like a creeper because he's 34 and he says he wants to have sex with a teenager? I know it's not under age but it's just a bit creepy coz it's such a big age gap.

    I think he's not really invested in your relationship and he doesn't feel bad about any of this at all. I reckon given the chance he would actually cheat on you physically too.

  10. #59
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by miasari
    My apologies. My intention was not to bash the entire concept of marriage, which I know is sacred and deeply meaningful to many people. As I said, for a long time we talked about having a small, private ceremony, as we were both deeply committed to each other at the time we decided to have a child together. He did not engage in this behavior at that time, nor did he give any indication that he ever would. I know people begin to show their true colors as relationships mature, and I really should've taken that into consideration. But it was never like he told me "I don't want to marry you because I'm not committed to you." Had we gotten married before she was born, he likely would have still done this. I don't think the act of marriage would have changed that. I don't think it's entirely pertinent to the situation now, regardless.
    But you wrote this:
    "He has never been very good at committing to anything his whole life-a place to live, a job, so it really shouldn't have come as such as surprise reflecting on it now. "

    You've been choosing to ignore his lack of commitment because you wanted him so badly.

    But now you have a little person totally dependent on you to show her the right way. Do you want her to see him mistreating and disregarding your feelings? You know you can't hide it from her, right?

    My mother FINALLY left my father. What that taught me is she was not willing to tolerate the disrespect any longer. Unfortunately it took her 15 years to reach that conclusion and lots of damage had been done, but at least she finally did do it.

  11. #60
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I think what you need to make clear to him is that this idle chatter will end up with you leaving him with half his paycheck and only seeing his daughter every other weekend if that. On that note, yes you need to get in gear to leave, look for a better job, etc. Make sure he notices so that when you have that come to Jesus conversation with him, he knows that not only do you mean it, you have the means to enforce your words and will.

    Life is just not that black and white when you have children and a house. Sometimes you have to stop talking and actually resort to an ultimatum - either this bs stops or these consequences will come down hard on your head. Choose...or in this case....grow up. There is another word for that - relationship boundaries. As long as he thinks you can't afford to leave him or won't leave him, he'll carry on because...no consequences. He isn't afraid to lose you because he doesn't think you can leave him, so why should he change his behavior? This is really very typical human thing. Change that narrative and see what happens. If still same, then just leave him and by then you'll have that job and financial means.
    Yes!!! Well said! This happened to me with my ex-boyfriend and he was talking to an ex girlfriend and he did cheat on me but I never wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe that he did love me and that he was just being a typical man looking at porn and his “crazy ex-girlfriend” was calling him all the time and he would block her and she would “find ways to get his number” , when the whole time he was unblocking her and talking to her behind my back (they are together now doing the same to her. And I’m glad he’s not my problem anymore lol) whew!

    I’m not saying that you’re man is doing the same thing I’m just saying that you only know what you found out and what he’s told you, and that’s how it starts.
    Honestly It sounds like he really doesn’t want to mess up on you but he still likes playing in water... he wants to go around the pool and stick his toe in but doesn’t want to get wet. But you can only go around the pool so many times before you jump in, and it sounds like he is getting too close and comfortable with this behavior.
    I agree when you have children and a home together and 5 years of your life with somebody it is a lot harder to leave, but it is doable and I’m living proof that you can be happy and be successful and happier.
    I still don’t make enough money but I have my own apartment and I have a boyfriend now that’s trustworthy and amazing! If I were to tell him that something bothers me and it feels disrespectful please stop doing it. He would stop doing it bc he loves and cares about me, I would do the same thing for him Because we want a future together and we want to be able to trust each other completely.
    I think that was really good advice if I had that advice I would’ve done it that way. Don’t ever do anything hastily or make quick decisions when you’re upset or hurt sounds like you’re thinking about things and trying to make the right decision for you and your daughter and I applaud that!!
    He’s either going to shape up and get it together or not. At least you’ll see through his actions what he really wants. Always judge his actions and behaviors do not trust what he says at this time, so you can confront him on his actions and fax rather than what he says.
    There’s a good old saying “Actions speak louder than word”
    So he’ll show you what he wants...

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