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Thread: Pattern of disrespect and lying

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by miasari
    So we had been together for two years when we decided to have a child. Neither of us were ever really jazzed about the idea of marriage, as we both come from families whose parents don't get along/split up. We had talked about it, but were never very motivated to do the planning required. I do agree with you, though, that we were still in the honeymoon phase. He didn't ever act this way in the beginning, but I think as the charm wore off of the early stages, his true colors started to show through. I think he started getting bored and has been looking for excitement in these other ways.
    If someone is not jazzed about marriage (i am not talking about the big party - the wedding - but marriage) - its not surprising they are not too jazzed about commitment and behave in an uncommitted way.
    It works for two people like that to exclusively date eachother for years - maintain the autonomy of doing your own thing a bit whether its maintaining separate residences and social calendar -- but anything with a whiff of commitment - buying a house together, having a kid together - the "psuedo marriage" you have provided - one or both people are going to run or dismantle it. The first sign of trouble, they are going to follow whatever other shiny thing comes their way.

    When he heard you really didn't believe in marriage, he probably was attracted like a bee to a flower - because you would accept not being committed to.

  2. #22
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    If someone is not jazzed about marriage (i am not talking about the big party - the wedding - but marriage) - its not surprising they are not too jazzed about commitment and behave in an uncommitted way.
    It works for two people like that to exclusively date eachother for years - maintain the autonomy of doing your own thing a bit whether its maintaining separate residences and social calendar -- but anything with a whiff of commitment - buying a house together, having a kid together - the "psuedo marriage" you have provided - one or both people are going to run or dismantle it. The first sign of trouble, they are going to follow whatever other shiny thing comes their way.

    When he heard you really didn't believe in marriage, he probably was attracted like a bee to a flower - because you would accept not being committed to.
    You really hit it on the head. Commitment is required for any long lasting relationship. Moving in together is not commitment. Having a baby is not commitment; however, there SHOULD be commitment before you engage in either of those things.

    Many people ignore the red flags because they're so misty-eyed about love, but your advice was right on. It's best to remain single and not engage in marriage-type events until you're absolutely ready to commit body and soul.

  3. #23
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    He has zero respect for you and his family. He has emotionally cheated while you were pregnant, and then there is all of that other stuff.

    You need to end this. And, get tested.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    he has completely taken no accountability for his actions...there was always some excuse to down play it. He is a person that doesn't have any respect for you or women in general and has a narcissistic personality. All he is going to do is tell you what you want to hear to make it go away.

    You can try counseling, and learn to be assertive in how you feel, and that this type of talk is very disturbing. I tell ya if i caught my husband talking like that his clothes would be on the front lawn on fire.
    lol!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  6. #25
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    I definitely see what you are saying, but I don't even think marriage is commitment, otherwise there wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate and so many married people cheating. Commitment is a mindset as well as a promise both people keep and make every single day. I think that for many, marriage is symbolic of that, but for many others, it's just what you do, and an excuse to throw a party and be the center of attention, without any real thought to the day in and day out commitment and work it takes. Regardless, I think you're onto something about 'like attracting like' and that my nonchalance about it all probably made it seem more permissible or excusable. He has never been very good at committing to anything his whole life-a place to live, a job, so it really shouldn't have come as such as surprise reflecting on it now.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by miasari
    It is so disrespectful-to me and women in general. For a while I was telling myself that he is more or less expressing a mentality that is common in all men, and justifying it as an outlet, etc. But the fact is that it is seriously affecting my mental state. I was really trying to be strong and more or less gloss over it for the sake of our daughter, but the other day, my therapist asked what I would say if my daughter asked me this same question, and my response was more or less GTFO of there, so why am I not modeling that?
    Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship like this?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by miasari
    I definitely see what you are saying, but I don't even think marriage is commitment, otherwise there wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate and so many married people cheating. Commitment is a mindset as well as a promise both people keep and make every single day. I think that for many, marriage is symbolic of that, but for many others, it's just what you do, and an excuse to throw a party and be the center of attention, without any real thought to the day in and day out commitment and work it takes. Regardless, I think you're onto something about 'like attracting like' and that my nonchalance about it all probably made it seem more permissible or excusable. He has never been very good at committing to anything his whole life-a place to live, a job, so it really shouldn't have come as such as surprise reflecting on it now.
    More than 50% of non marriage relationships break up.

  9. #28
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    Excellent. You have leverage, even if you don't exit at this time. Your therapist is correct. Next time ask about gaslighting and discounting and minimizing. Google these terms.

    Dismissing your concerns is along the same disrespect continuum as his extracurricular activities, hiding, sneaking lying, etc. Penetration of another does not have to happen for all these other toxic dynamics to be disconcerting.

    Take some time off from this relationship. Visit family and friends. Crazy-making like this is hard to see within the fog of it. It doesn't matter whether you are married or not, those are moralizing judgments. Focus on the here and now. Follow through with the guidance of your therapist.
    Originally Posted by miasari
    I did get tested for STDs, and started seeing a therapist. I also work. I can also try to find a better job, as I am educated.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by miasari
    I definitely see what you are saying, but I don't even think marriage is commitment, otherwise there wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate and so many married people cheating. Commitment is a mindset as well as a promise both people keep and make every single day. I think that for many, marriage is symbolic of that, but for many others, it's just what you do, and an excuse to throw a party and be the center of attention, without any real thought to the day in and day out commitment and work it takes. Regardless, I think you're onto something about 'like attracting like' and that my nonchalance about it all probably made it seem more permissible or excusable. He has never been very good at committing to anything his whole life-a place to live, a job, so it really shouldn't have come as such as surprise reflecting on it now.
    I think you're justifying him being a bad partner and confusing a wedding with a marriage.

    While I'm sure people marry for the attention and all that you said, its all semantics, because whatever you call it, what is his commitment to you?

    At the basic level, a marriage is a promise and a contract. You planned for a baby, but did you plan for the relationship?

    The formality of the ceremony, makes the commitment clear...

    Aside my personal opinion, of marriage, I feel like maybe you are right - you are seeing him in his true light and its a huge turn off.

    As others have said, draw your line in the sand and prepare to walk, if doesn't respond.

    It is gross the way he's acting and I'd be worried this is just the beginning....

    There are men that follow that "boys will be boys" line, but not all.... And just cause it works for them, doesn't make it work for you.

    The scary part is, I'm not sure this line of thought can really be changed. One's thought process, is just that.

    And if he is surrounded by guys that basically never outgrew the "lets rate women for fun" mentality, he's got no motivation or outlet to change. If there were better men around, maybe he'd have a chance... but there is truth to the saying- look at the 4 closest people to him.... that's who he is.. .

  11. #30
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by miasari
    I definitely see what you are saying, but I don't even think marriage is commitment, otherwise there wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate and so many married people cheating. Commitment is a mindset as well as a promise both people keep and make every single day. I think that for many, marriage is symbolic of that, but for many others, it's just what you do, and an excuse to throw a party and be the center of attention, without any real thought to the day in and day out commitment and work it takes. Regardless, I think you're onto something about 'like attracting like' and that my nonchalance about it all probably made it seem more permissible or excusable. He has never been very good at committing to anything his whole life-a place to live, a job, so it really shouldn't have come as such as surprise reflecting on it now.
    Why do you think living together is better just because your parents were married and divorced. You still have to go through all of the emotional and practical turmoil when living together and the relationship breaks up as you do when you are married and the relationship breaks up.

    Your relationship lacks respect, trust, happiness, boundaries, admiration of one another et al. All the things that a marriage of license or common law should have. If you're afraid to leave because of your daughter the suggest marriage counseling and have a plan to talk about all the things that are missing in your 'marriage' so that you can a least explain to him so he gets it that what he does with his addiction to the attention of other woman makes you feel like chit, makes you resent him, makes you unhappy and if it's 'just talk' then why does he have an addiction to doing it, why he can't just stop knowing what it does to you. If he won't go... then you will know he admires his addiction more than you and you will get the confidence to take action and do what you need to do to leave the situation without guilt.

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