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Thread: Pattern of disrespect and lying

  1. #11
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    So we had been together for two years when we decided to have a child. Neither of us were ever really jazzed about the idea of marriage, as we both come from families whose parents don't get along/split up. We had talked about it, but were never very motivated to do the planning required. I do agree with you, though, that we were still in the honeymoon phase. He didn't ever act this way in the beginning, but I think as the charm wore off of the early stages, his true colors started to show through. I think he started getting bored and has been looking for excitement in these other ways.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Can I ask how old you guys are?

  3. #13
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    We are 34.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Stop nagging and talking about your feelings and dredging up the past and make it simple - x behavior will lead to y consequences. Make it that simple. Otherwise you are in a standoff where in his mind, he isn't cheating and you are policing his thoughts/behavior with other guys and he will resist that.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Ok, I just got penalized for talking politics. I was not talking politics, I simply mentioned a political figure in the context of dating.

    If somebody does not want me here, I'll be happy to leave.

  7. #16
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    Gary, you are loved and need it here !

  8. #17
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    I am sorry you are hurting !
    Believe me, I receive loads of spams like this. It is crazy. All sorts, including photos and invites.

  9. #18
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    To me it sounds like he just doesn't want a committed relationship. But as others said, you knew how he was and decided to stay with him and have a child. Now you're realizing that he's not going to change. I'd advise you to cut your losses and move on.

  10. #19
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Even relationships without marriage end in the same emotional devastation.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by miasari
    . At this point, when we try to talk about it, I'm just 'dredging up the past' and he 'doesn't know what else to say about it'. He swears up and down that he does have boundaries in terms of physicality, but doesn't seem to see the issue in the things he's said. I am currently in therapy, and my therapist more or less has told me, leave. I am skeptical that a person like this would even truly change,
    So, your husband is okay with emotional cheating and you aren't. That's essentially it in a nutshell. He's not sorry and he keeps doing it. That's WHY he has "nothing else to say" because you have told him how it makes you feel and the fact is that he just doesn't CARE enough to change or make real effort to change. And he is not going to. Yeah, he might "back off" for a while, but he goes right back to it when he feels "safe" OR has just gotten better at lying and hiding it from you.

    So you really have two choices-

    1. Accept that your husband is an emotional cheater and likely always will be. Even if he never "touches" another woman, it can still be considered cheating and is definitely disrespectful and undermining your marriage. Though, IMVHO, what if he just found a woman that was willing to bridge that gap and go physical, would he say no? I'm not so sure he would. If you're okay with this, go ahead and stay in the marriage. But you are kidding yourself if you think this will ever change. One time can be a mistake- patterns are BEHAVIOR.

    2. Get a divorce.

    It's really all about what you are willing to live with. You mention the example of what you'd say to your daughter. It is ALWAYS easier to tell someone else to do something challenging than to do that thing yourself. I remember doing that with my EX. If he only did THIS or stopped doing THAT, we'd be great! Problem is- that's a fantasy of who you WISH the person would be, not who they ARE.

    You need to think about what you want and what you can live with based on who he IS and likely will remain to be.

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