Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 43

Thread: How long would you wait for " I love you"

  1. #21
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    278
    Wouldn't you feel resentment if your bf/ gf wouldn't say at after a year ?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,074
    I probably wouldn't wait. If i felt it...

    But if you think the guy has to say it first, but he is holding out on you, why?

    Sounds like maybe you have a lot of time invested but you don't know him well enough to know how he feels...

    Which I think is the more compelling question. Time can be an indicator of the stage of a relationship, but not always... we talk a lot about generalizations here. Who is to say what is happening with a specific person.

    One of my exes, was not the best at communicating his feelings. The first time he said it, he thought I was asleep. But I already knew.....

    what do you think? Does he? Do you need to hear it? Its not a bad thing if you do.

    My family we always say it... all the time. Everytime we hang up the phone, end a text convo, leave each other... my closest friends, too. Even my guy friends! Its just so natural to me... Why try to repress it?

    Love its the most important thing..... And to deny me it, well then you'd probably get kicked to curb. Cause if he don't love you anymore, walk your fine ass out the door.....

  3. #23
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,220
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by irka000
    Wouldn't you feel resentment if your bf/ gf wouldn't say at after a year ?
    Resentment? No. I don't resent how people feel. You can't force a person to feel something or express something a certain way if they don't want to or don't feel it. There is nothing to resent.

    That said, a year is a long time and if they don't feel it, can't say it, etc. I would think that the relationship is not that great, not working for me and start looking for the exit. Before I do exit though, you know what they say about relationships - communication communication communication. I'd pick a quiet relaxed moment to talk about it a bit and get an understanding of where he is at. Although a year in, I'd be prepared to hear what I don't want to hear - that he isn't feeling it.

    As for why? It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's divorce baggage or daddy or mommy issues from childhood or insert any other reason here. What matters is that this person is not emotionally healthy, ready and available to be fully present in a healthy relationship with me and I wouldn't waste any more time waiting on them to come around. Reason being is that just because someone heals and becomes available, doesn't mean they'll say those words to you. They can well say "thanks for helping me heal for 3 years and good bye. Feeling great now and ready to love again. Appreciate what you did for me."

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,074
    Originally Posted by irka000
    Is your view on this different when you in your 30 or 50 and let's say after a difficult divorce ?
    If someone is so traumatized, from their divorce or past, you shouldn't be dating them. That's not fair to you

    I would think at 30 or 50 or any age, an emotionally healthy person should be able to say it....

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,935
    Gender
    Male
    Is he much older or burned out from a divorce? While a rhetorical discussion is always interesting the goal posts and what ifs are shifting so much there really is no answer to this riddle.

    So piecing this together...you are dating a 50ish divorced guy for a year and he has not said I love you? The best thing you can do is not hope to fix or change anyone or make excuses about indifference or coasting or someone who is hurt or damaged or gun-shy or or or...
    Originally Posted by irka000
    Is your view on this different when you in your 30 or 50 and let's say after a difficult divorce ?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,074
    Originally Posted by arjumand
    I can’t begin to disagree more. While some people are not overly verbal or affectionate, if they can’t tell you they love you it is just more evidence of inability to communicate. If you want to go into a long-term relationship knowing someone cannot express feelings then don’t complain later when communication just gets worse. Without communication, your relationship will founder.

    This is just more evidence of how we are all supposed to keep lowering our standards — it’s fine not to have a commitment when you want one, it’s fine not to hear I love you, it’s unwise to expect anything from a partner — it’s not leading to partnerships that are any better and it is devaluing individuals.
    I completely agree arjumand!

    It's not fine to accept less than you want, just so you can be with a person or conform to some societal pressure, as to not die alone!

  8. #27
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    278
    It's good to see different views on the matter.
    I am curious because had a final talk with an ex and this popped out. I never said and he never said.
    I waited for him and he blamed on demons from past. He waited for better times between us to say it.
    It is all academic cause I am single now but I was wondering how others feel about it.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,926
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by irka000
    Wouldn't you feel resentment if your bf/ gf wouldn't say at after a year ?
    What’s important is what you feel.

    When you’re creating timelines on what needs to be said when, it’s generally because you are unhappy with your situation. It means you want more than you’re getting, and the “resentment” you’re describing is probably more connected to being frustrated with yourself (for subsisting on less nourishment than you require) than another person (for not giving you said nourishment).

    Love is not a currency. We don’t invest in people to “get” it or stay with them to “extract” it. We are not “owed” it, not after three months, six months, a year or more. All that might be worth reflecting on, as relationships are much better when we focus on what is there rather than what isn’t, and how we can go about filling in the blanks or waiting for another person to fill them in.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,223
    When I was dating it would have been around 6 months at the outside - and it was always sooner if we were still together by then. I did care a lot. Loving is actions not words but the words are important too. Also with one exception I didn't have sex with a man until we were in love. I regret making the exception I did.

    I don't know if I would have felt resentment because I could not have imagined being with someone for that long in an exclusive, serious relationship without expressing I love you.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    36,935
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. Keep in mind this is his particular situation. He was never in with both feet both in action and words. Exit talks like this and post-breakup postmortems rarely yield anything but revisiting pain and more confusion. This is why no contact and delete and block is recommended.
    Originally Posted by irka000
    I am curious because had a final talk with an ex and this popped out. I never said and he never said. I waited for him and he blamed on demons from past. He waited for better times between us to say it.

Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •