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Thread: Mom's long term boyfriend needs to go

  1. #1
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    Mom's long term boyfriend needs to go

    Backstory: I was raised as an only child by a single mother. During my childhood she had many boyfriends, but none of the relationships ever lasted more than a year or two.

    I'm 32, and she has now been with the same "man" since I was 17. From day one I did not like this man, something deep within my soul told me he was no good. I wanted her to be happy because she certainly deserves to be, so I gave it a chance. But shortly after the relationship started my gut proved to be right.

    My mom and I are extremely close but her relationship with him is putting a huge strain on our relationship and I don't know how to deal with it any longer.

    I'm at a point where I feel like I can no longer sit back and watch her be emotionally and mentally abused. I can no longer watch her be neglected, used, unloved. I can no longer watch her health decline because of issues in the relationship.

    I can no longer listen to the way he talks to her or sit back and watch as she does nothing to stick up for herself.

    The relationship is almost more of a really bad roommate you can't get rid of rather than a romantic one as they've not been physical in years, there is little to no affection in any other form, they don't sleep in the same room, etc.

    We have had deep conversations about my feelings and she always agrees with me. She's expressed being unhappy many times but feels like she won't do any better and would have nowhere to go. She's really just scared to be alone.

    My mom is not the person she once was and it kills me that she allows his behaviour.

    He's an extreme narcissist, everything has to be his way. If you don't agree with him you become the bad guy.

    There is always something he's unhappy about.

    My mom was rushed to the hospital twice last week in an ambulance. She was there for 7 hours each time. He refused to show up and when she told him she was ready to come home he told her to take a cab cuz he was busy playing pool with friends.

    There's been two other occasions where my mom has had surgeries, they lived two streets behind the hospital and he refused to go pick her up. My ex wife and I had to drive from a different city, at night to go pick her up and bring her home. ( Which for me is fine I don't care, I'd do anything for her she's my mom ), but that's not okay on his part.
    These are just some of the smaller things he's done. We'd be here for days if I really got into it.

    Today's issue is that my mom can't drive right now because of health issues, so he's been using her car. My uncle ( her brother) who happens to be best friends with her boyfriend just passed away on January 27th and the funeral is tomorrow. I don't drive and normally in this case my mom would come get me. The boyfriend is refusing to come pick me up and bring me to the funeral with them even though it's only a 15 minute drive away.

    I have been to my mom's home maybe 10 times in the last 17 years because of him. He and I cannot stand to be in the same room with eachother. I either don't go to family gatherings when they are held at other family members houses or I go and I will stay as far away from him as possible and not communicate with him.

    My family members all dislike him and have been begging my mom for years to get rid of him but they tolerate him for her sake.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Does your mom have any kind of income?

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    She is the only one with an income.
    She works in health care, he is on disability.
    But he controls how much she can work because the more money she makes, the less money he gets on his check.

    She pays for mostly everything. I think he maybe pays for his insurance and cell phone but everything else is on her.

    Due to some scary health issues she hasn't been able to work in two weeks and doesn't look like she will be able to in at least a month, so she will temporarily have to collect sick benefits.

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    Her not being able to leave or not having a place to go is just an excuse. She makes decent money, but she's a terrible money person. It's gone before it's even earned. I've offered to help with budgeting and she's for it but he wants no part of it and won't allow me access to their finances.

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  6. #5
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    Look unfortunately I don't know what else you can do except be honest to your Mum about your feelings. But you've been doing that for fifteen years and your Mum is well aware of it. But let's be honest, people don't stay with someone this long unless they actually want to. Your Mum could have left at any time but chooses not to. You can't control other people unfortunately and other people's relationships. She won't leave her boyfriend unless SHE wants to. You can't get rid of him on her behalf, she would have to do it. I think don't be pushy about it either because you shouldn't be trying to control other people. Your best course of action is probably continuing to be civil and keep your distance. As you've been doing.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. unfortunately your mother wants him in her life for whatever reasons. You can get another ride perhaps from another family member.
    Originally Posted by bmars87
    My uncle ( her brother) who happens to be best friends with her boyfriend just passed away on January 27th and the funeral is tomorrow. I don't drive and normally in this case my mom would come get me. The boyfriend is refusing to come pick me up and bring me to the funeral with them even though it's only a 15 minute drive away.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you have to watch this, it truly must be frustrating and heart breaking.

    But at the end of the day, your mom is grown woman and despite making bad choices, she has the right to have him there whether anyone else is okay with it or not.

    Yes, he definitely sounds like a crap partner and not a good person, but unfortunately, if your mom won't tell him to go, there's not a lot you can do.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I can no longer listen to the way he talks to her or sit back and watch as she does nothing to stick up for herself.
    Then tell her this. "Mom, I love you with all my heart, and we can talk about anything in the world--except for WhutsHisName. You can let me know if there's ever any way that I can help you to ditch the guy, but until then, I don't want to hear another word about him."

    There's a reason for this. You're not helping, you're enabling. You're embedding her deeper into her stagnation and tolerance of the guy. You act as the pressure valve that allows her to vent, and then she feels better, you feel worse, and nothing changes. So change needs to start with your own behavior. Stop relieving her just enough to continue that same path.

    As for the driving, Mom's car situation is really none of your business. You're 32, not 12. Get your own license and car, or get an Uber or Lyft. Your dependency on Mom harms your own development, so you're locked into a focus on her relationship instead of focusing on your own life. That magnifies the problem instead of minimizing it, and that's not doing yourself or Mom any favors.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Ugh... I can understand your frustration but your mom gets to live her own life. Just as if you had a yucky partner, she has to accept.

    The only thing you can do, is when she says she wants to leave but can't, offer to help her, ou'd you can.

    It does such that he's a jerk and won't pick you up, but I'm imagining he is a person, without a lot of power, so he exerts, where he can- refusing to give rides.

    Take that power from him. learn to drive.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Since your mom is sick and may even get sicker, she can sign over authority to you to have access to her money and accounts. Get a lawyer, rally up the family, get legal advice and fight this because it's just a matter of time for your mother she may not be in any condition to handle her affairs and that includes making sure she has a will, and a living will in place.

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