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Thread: I really need someone to help- Iím so confused

  1. #1

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    I really need someone to help- Iím so confused

    Like most posters I donít want to let this drag on too long and get lost in too much detail but I feel like itís complicated and itís long. I really need some help/insight because Iím so dumbfounded. I was left a couple dayís ago by my boyfriend of almost 3 years. He emailed me that he cheated on me and didnít love me. I wish I could put the amount of detail in this post to paint a complete picture of what our relationship was like but I will include a few examples.
    A little background- We did not live together yet but had plans to do so. He had been separated from his wife for that period, for financial reasons not divorced yet. He was so concerned about his young children adjusting and I admired that so I didnít push things to go fast. I hadnít met them yet but the plan was to start incorporating me in their lives in the next couple of months. He does have them 50% of the time.
    We have been through some bumps which helped us grow as a couple. He does deal with anxiety and SAD. The anxiety has caused him to become fearful of our relationship and he broke up with me for a couple of days, in the past, a couple of times. We worked through it. I was understanding because I have compassion for people who suffer with mental health issues. He did own his actions and we talked through them and came out with better communication.
    As our relationship continued to grow, and we became more connected and so close. I was waiting for the rest of the pieces to fall into place. We loved so many of the same things and did so much together. We were together whenever he didnít have his children. I knew their visitation schedule because he sent me copies of the calendar so I could be kept in the loop.
    Now for the examples- every night I slept over I would come home in the morning to get ready for work since I would have to drive by my place anyway. So every morning he would send me a voice message. They always included what he enjoyed about our previous night or what he was looking forward to as well as how much he loved me. These never stopped, the message never changed. My goodnight text were always loving and never changed- including a few days before this happened he text that he canít wait until he can say goodnight to me every night in person forever. We had continued talking about the future and doing future things, including marriage, that kind of talk never stopped. The thing that stumps me the most and I canít stop thinking about is what happened around Christmas. We were in the car and having a discussion on insecurities, he pulled the car over to grab my hands and look me in the eyes and told me that I was all he ever wanted and dreamed of, he loved me more than he could put into words and said he would never ever hurt me like I had been in the past. He got teary eyed expressing his feelings to me. More was said but thatís the condensed version. We both had happy tears after that.
    -My first husband left me by blindsiding me and was with someone in no time (probably had her before he left). My bf knew all those specifics but did the same thing evidentlyó
    He was down this weekend which is not unusual. With his SAD it happens this time of the year. BTW- he told me last week that his SAD had been so much better since Iíve come into his life and I can see the difference. Even though he was down and more quiet nothing was unusual. But Monday evening my world caved in. He sent the email that he had cheated on me and had feelings for this other person. Of course I asked questions and he would not answer anything about this person except that they had a ďdrink here and thereĒ since the beginning of December. He couldnít tell me around when his feelings started to change. I almost feel like he is lying about this to get rid of me but I am working on accepting it as the truth: what happened? How does someone who tells you they love you so much and they donít feel like themselves without me with him have an affair and dump me? What kind of person does that? I know heís done and I have not reached out to him since our text conversation that night. I donít plan on reaching out either anytime soon. I think what he did is the cruelest thing he could have done to someone who he ďhad loved with his whole heartĒ. I canít turn off love, all I can do is work on me. I am absolutely devastated though. I donít want to keep analyzing every detail but I donít think I will ever trust anyone again if I canít get some kind of answer/understanding.

  2. 01-30-2020, 09:06 PM


  3. #2
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    Originally Posted by Resetmb
    He couldnít tell me around when his feelings started to change. I almost feel like he is lying about this to get rid of me but I am working on accepting it as the truth: what happened? How does someone who tells you they love you so much and they donít feel like themselves without me with him have an affair and dump me? What kind of person does that? I know heís done and I have not reached out to him since our text conversation that night. I donít plan on reaching out either anytime soon. I think what he did is the cruelest thing he could have done to someone who he ďhad loved with his whole heartĒ. I canít turn off love, all I can do is work on me. I am absolutely devastated though. I donít want to keep analyzing every detail but I donít think I will ever trust anyone again if I canít get some kind of answer/understanding.
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's devastating. I totally sympathize about how you can't turn off the love. I'm in a different situation but have the same problem being unable to turn off the love for someone who hurt me. I wish all the best and will follow your progress on here if you wish to post some more.

  4. #3
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Oh this sounds like a really painful experience...Iím sorry.

    My only suggestion would be that you donít try to get answers/understanding from your ex. I doubt after his confusing behavior that any explanation he gave you would satisfy you. I think your ďclosureĒ can only come from within your own heart/mind/soul and that is going to take time...

    Best wishes for a healthy bounceback.

  5. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Resetmb
    I canít turn off love, all I can do is work on me. I am absolutely devastated though. I donít want to keep analyzing every detail but I donít think I will ever trust anyone again if I canít get some kind of answer/understanding.
    I understand and I'm sorry.... it is devastating, you can't turn off the love. And it is completely normal to want to understand and get answers.

    But this will only hold back your healing.

    You cannot give power over you and how you feel to another person, especially, one that already screwed you over.

    Some people they really don't know themselves at all. For whatever reason, they'll say things and do things that don't add up.

    And its not up to us to fix them or even understand them. Its up to us to get away from them! work towards being ready to receive better. You see he is a monster... what more do you need to know?

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  7. #5
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    Originally Posted by Resetmb
    How does someone who tells you they love you so much and they donít feel like themselves without me with him have an affair and dump me? What kind of person does that?
    It hurts like hell, but cheaters will often do that.

    The gushing love-talk is sometimes their guilt speaking, and over-compensating, because they know they're up to no good behind your back. They might try to throw their betrayed partner off their scent by distracting them with over-the-top displays of love, or they might be venting their guilt because they know their betrayed partners are good people and don't deserve the kind of treatment they're secretly engaging in.

    Either way, it sounds to me like you have been doing a lot of heavy lifting in this relationship and trying to justify staying when it probably wasn't in your best interests. It's not a good that there is only now a "plan" to finally meet his kids after 3 years, nor that he's previously broken up with you and more than once. While it's true that he could struggle with anxiety, I have to wonder if a lot of them stems from him not actually wanting to commit to you in any genuine way. It appears he's been ducking out of investing further for a while and you've been accepting his behaviour without realizing (or maybe without wanting to see) it might not all be mental health-related.

    He doesn't sound like a good candidate for a true, long-term, and deep relationship. He's invested superficially, yes, but the fact that he emailed you to announce he's cheated and is leaving you speaks volumes. He talked a good talk for a while, but he doesn't walk the walk. I know it hurts very badly right now, but I suspect that with time you will see that this was a dead-end relationship and you'd both been in some degree of denial about it.

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    This post is already being answered under Breaking Up Advice.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Sadly dating a married man often ends in heartache like this. On/Off relationships indicate unresolved problems or in this case he was back and forth between you and the wife or you and whoever. It would be best to get some short term therapy to unpack and sort some of this out. There were ample red flags and exit opportunities. Be grateful it's finally over.
    Originally Posted by Resetmb
    We did not live together yet but had plans to do so. He had been separated from his wife for that period, for financial reasons not divorced yet.
    He does deal with anxiety and SAD. The anxiety has caused him to become fearful of our relationship and he broke up with me for a couple of days, in the past, a couple of times.-My first husband left me by blindsiding me and was with someone in no time (probably had her before he left). My bf knew all those specifics but did the same thing evidentlyó

  10. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    This post is already being answered under Breaking Up Advice.
    Yep, it's a duplicate post.

  11. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    The anxiety has caused him to become fearful of our relationship and he broke up with me for a couple of days, in the past, a couple of times. We worked through it. I was understanding because I have compassion for people who suffer with mental health issues. He did own his actions and we talked through them and came out with better communication.
    When you are on and off with someone it is a clear indication to you (or it should be to any emotionally healthy person) that you are with the wrong person and after more than once, you should get yourself away from that person so you can find a good lifepartner for yourself and be happy in that relationship... happy even if you have the odd argument or disagreement about life in general. You don't do chronic breaking up if you are healthy and your partner is healthy and you are with the right person.

    Having "compassion" for your partner is one thing, putting your own emotional well being in jeopardy (as you have done) to accommodate the dysfunction of your partner is called codependency which you would do well to work through with the help of a psychologist proficient in codependency issues.

    Acceptance that you are better off without him, that your attachment to him is based on a type of addiction rather than mutual love will get you to the blissful stage of indifference so you will be open to finding a man that is actually single (not just separated) and has dealt with his own issues.


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