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Thread: Heartbroken of a long term relationship

  1. #1
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    Heartbroken of a long term relationship

    Hi everyone. I decided to do my first post here, because of desperation and loneliness. I dont know who to talk to about this, and since Im not the only person who went through this, I know that some of you will understand my situation.

    I (25yrs) have been together with my girlfriend (24yrs) for 8 and a half years. Lived together 5 years. Beautiful times, she loved me so much, she was caring, loving, supported me in everything, enjoyed every minute with me. We had so many adventures together, nice memories. We were planning to stay together, establish a family. We already had a common house, both of us started working , had good jobs and plans for future.

    She did not really have friends, and she also didnt have the best relationship with her family. I do sport, training and fighting as a hobby. She didnt have one. A year ago, she started doing a parapsychology course, where she obtained a certificate very fast, to become a trainer, teacher. She would change, as she became too spiritual, and always talked about this topic and had plans to make a career out of it, to hold lectures and courses in the future. Im not spiritually oriented, but I was glad that she has found a hobby and I was even supporting her in it. Then she told me, that the trainer who held these courses offered her the final certificate if they would teach and hold classes together in the future. It was suspicious to me, the red alert just kicked in. I told her, that I dont want her to travel with a man alone to other cities, for a weekend to hold lectures. She told me not to worry, since he is an old man with kids, and called me selfish for accusing.

    A week later she totally changed: became cold to me, avoided any physicality, whenever I approached her to talk she said she is tired and went to sleep. One morning, when I woke up to go to work, she was sitting on the couch, and she announced me that she is leaving me. She told me that she no longer loves me, that our relationship is not working anymore. I asked if she has someone, she denied. Told me she is moving to her cuisine. She wished me happiness, packed her things and left me after 8 and a half years, and never seen her again.

    She was not that social, while I was. Whatever the future would hold for me, I pictured her next to me, as I would never left her, not even for my career. When she got into this new spiritual environment, she changed immediately, and she left me on the first occasion. I dont know which one is worse.. that her love towards me could be ended in 2 weeks because of someone else.. or that she didnt love me for a long time and she was just acting in front of me.

    It was a shock for me, as I didnt see this coming. Not from her. She loved and cared about me so much and I loved her too. Always made me promise her, that I should never leave her. Two weeks before she left, we were on dates, she told me she loves me, we were planning our summer vacation.. and two weeks later she told me she didnt love me for a while. As it turned out she left me for this course trainer, a divorced man in his early 40s with 2 children.. Why would someone throw away her long time young love, for such a man? Is this really a future what a 24 year woman wants? Where is the logic in this? She just threw away our past, all the things we went through together, she threw away our possible future.. I still cannot process this. I really dont want to sound boastful.. but I finished university, speak 4 languages, have a good paying job, good looking, fit shape, had so many admirers through the years, even she was always jealous and feared I would leave her... I know theses things are not an excuse to love someone.. and I also dont want to play the victim.. its just that I never see that coming, and that I never ever felt anything like this before..

    2 days after she left, We talked in text messages afterwards, told me she didnt feel good with me anymore, admitted she already is in relationship.. She didnt want to talk to me even, when I only asked for proper explanation. All her things were gone from our house, she left so easily. Even after what she has done, when I saw an object that belonged to her in our house, or a present I bought her or she bought me, I just started crying. I became an emotinal zombie.. Im Just staring in front of me.. trying to understand what happened, trying to move on, but I always get dragged back. She was my soulmate, my love, best friend, we supported each other in everything. She was always more romantic than me, yet my love lasted longer for her..

    I was always surrounded by women in the past.. could of had many chances, yet I always valued her more and loved her and wouldnt leave her for someone and give up our relationship. I imagined her as my future wife, even though she had her mistakes.. I was so sure that I can trust her.. that she would never do something like this, that she is the perfect person for me. Yet, she did the thing I expected the least.. especially from her.

    But the problem is.. whatever our relationship would have been, she imagined her future and her career in this field of parapsychology, in this city at that particular class.. so they would have spent time together, no matter what.. Unless we moved away.. How could I become so invaluable for someone who loved me so much? Did I really treat her that bad to deserve this? I had my mistakes for sure, but would have changed for her.

    The next 2 weeks felt like hell. Hardest time of my life. Im not an emotional person, but just kept crying. I was also not perfect.. did many mistakes, couldnt really express my love to her, but she knew I loved her. Thoughts of what could I have done differently haunt me all day, all night. I wonder if I was more gentle, or if I had propose her, would she have done the same? I just cant believe that someone so family oriented, lovable, trustful, caring, who was obsessed with me since high school, left me cold blooded in 1 week. I would have changed all my mistakes for her, but she didnt even want to talk. I would have done anything for her, to make her happy and to stay together. I never received any last chance from her. The fact that she was in my arms 3 weeks ago, and now she lives with someone else already just make me crazy. She lied to me. She cheated (maybe just emotionally, but maybe physically to), left me cold blooded. I just cant believe that.

    Its a heartbreak, and it feels like hell. I dream of her. This unbelievable situation is the first thought when I wake up, and when I go to sleep in the empty house now, where we lived happily together. Something has died inside of me. A big part of myself was torn out, and it is very difficult to wake up every morning, go to work, and continue my life. Sadness, shock, anger, betrayal, self-blame.. these feelings are just tearing me apart inside.

    Sorry to make this long, I just feel a lot better when I speak about this. Even if I cant handle this at the moment, my sympathy goes to everyone who went through such a situation, or is going through it now.

    Thank you for reading my story.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Very sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds as though she got caught up with some Svengali guru . Is she in a cult?

    Read some books by Steven Hassan: "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs". Although it won't bring her back it may help give some info on what she and this guy are involved in.
    Originally Posted by KYC
    A year ago, she started doing a parapsychology course, where she obtained a certificate very fast, to become a trainer, teacher. she announced me that she is leaving me.

    She told me that she no longer loves me, that our relationship is not working anymore.As it turned out she left me for this course trainer, a divorced man in his early 40s with 2 children..

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    It is like a far eastern based pseudo science, which deals with energies, healing with the mind, meditations, aura cleaning and so on.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Just know that growing apart is common in relationships that start in youth. What you wanted in your late teens could do a 180 as you move into your mid to late twenties.

    And just because you've known and lived with someone for so long, doesn't mean you know them inside and out. Obviously, you didn't know she was a liar and a cheater, and yet you care for her so much that you're beating yourself up for what you could've done better to hold onto someone who was capable of lying and cheating.

    If she really cared, she would've had discussions with you on what she wanted improved, and would've given it time to see if improvements happened. Instead, she bailed. It was likely that she'd just outgrown the relationship and missed the sparks of what a new flirtation felt like, after so long in a serious relationship.

    Her new relationship won't last, since no decent guy would've taken up with a taken woman. It's not really your concern, though, since she's no longer in your life.

    What can you do now? Stay no contact so that you're not set back to square one, and she just might try to contact you when her new relationship fails. I'd block her number to prevent this. You can learn from any mistakes you think you made, so that you will be a better partner to a new love. You should realize you won't feel better overnight. You likely won't begin to emerge from mourning for at least 4 months, but then you should begin to move into the healing period after this stage.

    In the future, when you eventually meet "the one," you will understand why it was best that your ex became your ex. Listen to Garth Brooks song Unanswered Prayers and it might make you feel a little better. Take care.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately she became interested in this and this creep is most likely channeling her energy. Keep in mind pursuing this was her idea so she is going to meet people like this guy. She wanted to spread her wings and grow up, but she seems to have veered off into the arms of this charlatan.

    It is common for naive sheltered people to get wrapped up in bad scenarios like this. However even people who are solid and worldly have gotten caught up in things like Scientology, Moonies, etc. Her lack of worldly experience is this creeps shoe-in.
    Originally Posted by KYC
    It is like a far eastern based pseudo science, which deals with energies, healing with the mind, meditations, aura cleaning and so on.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    First is never ever blame yourself for her cheating. Contrary to popular belief, cheaters don't cheat because their existing relationship is bad, they cheat because they want to. They simply do not share the same morals and values as the rest of society, but have plenty of rationalizations and plausible sounding excuses for their horrible behavior. Blameshifting is a popular thing. Do not accept that. You are not to blame. If she wasn't happy, she had the option to speak up or to end things instead of jumping into another sack. She chose to cheat and that's who she is.

    There is something very very ironic about her preaching spirituality while being a cheater. Think on that long and hard.

    The woman you thought you knew no longer exists. So yes, grieve the loss same you'd grieve the death of someone, but then work on healing and moving on. Whatever you thought, this girl simply wasn't it.

    Be sure you that you stay kind to yourself and take some time not only to heal but be single and find yourself and your footing as an individual. You've been in a relationship since very young, which means that now you need to learn who you are as a person, as an individual as opposed to 1/2 of a relationship. You might find that journey quite rewarding even if it totally doesn't feel like it now.

    As above poster said, you'll feel horrible for at least 4 months, but then you start to calm down. Start to look back more objectively and see that the person you were with was perhaps not all that. Start to realize that there were some red flags. About a year out, you should start feel normal for lack of a better term. However, don't just sit in an empty house - lean on your friends and family, stay active, pick up new activities to do. Fill your time with what you enjoy doing. Some days will be good but sometimes pain will come like a wave. Ride it out and let it move on. The more time passes the more infrequent those waves become until one day you realize that you are at peace completely. Of course, you do need to be helping yourself with that in terms of staying occupied.

    Most importantly block her from all access and contact. You don't want a cheater to reel you back in when you are most vulnerable. On that note, some of her behavior, the way she cheated and discarded without a backward glance sounds like a run of the mill narcissist. You might want to google more on that and you might find some answers as to what happened and why and what you might have missed while in a relationship with her. What you don't want to do is repeat the mistake of getting involved with another one as we tend to be drawn to what's familiar. When you are ready that is.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by KYC
    she loved me so much, she was caring, loving, supported me in everything, enjoyed every minute with me...who was obsessed with me since high school
    I find it interesting how you only phrase things from what you think is her point of view. And what about you? There's something missing her. Do may have never left her, but were you obsessed and head over heels in love with her too? I think what hurts the most is that it wasn't you who left first.

    Please pack up every memento that reminds you of her, all pictures, and put them in a box until you are feeling better and can deal with them. In the meantime, retrain your brain by going out with friends & family, focusing on work, your career, learn a new skill or hobby, and taking a trip away from all of this.

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    Thank you for your response Andrina.
    Yes I agree that we both changed, but I believe its a normal thing for people to change over the years. If I think about people getting married and living together 40 years...
    The sad part is, that even she praised me that I have changed in a positive sense, that Im have better qualities than I used to have. But when she joined this spiritual course, this became an obsession for her. She did the thing that was against her character.. the complete opposite of how I knew her over the years.
    The most painful thing is that she chosed that world, her career, and a 40s man with 2 kids who told her exactly what she wanted to hear. She did what I was sure she would never do.

  10. #9
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    Thank you for responding.
    Yes, she was naive. She did not get the attention and love while she was a child. She didnt have hobbies and friends. She got hooked in, in this spiritual world where she was told exactly what she needed to hear: your special, you can heal people, you can make a career out of this, you can be someone.
    I tried so hard to make her feel good over the years. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes I failed. I tried to give her self-confidence and show her, to enjoy life and not to constantly worry about things.. Even I know I should not, I blame myself for this. I wonder what would have been different, if I gave her more love, more attention, more support? If I had proposed her, if I talked to her more.
    Maybe it would be the same, maybe not. But the fact is, that she saw here future in this. She wanted to stay in this city, in that particular class and being mentored by that particular man, who she left me for. Just think about it.. which man would allow her wife or fiancee to travel alone with another to an other city for a weekend? Would have she cheated on my if she wan my fiancee, wife, or if we would have children? Or would have she just left me, like she did but later? Or this never would have happened?
    The what ifs are that drive me crazy..

  11. #10
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    Thank you very much for the support.
    I can relate so much of what you posted. Yes I had blocked her everywhere I could. Thats the most shocking thing for me: when she had a problem, or wanted something we would always sit down and talk about it. This never happened, I was never given a last chance, or an opportunity to change. She told me she is leaving, and moved straight to his teachers house from me. She closed down 8 and a half year in 2 days.
    There is also a great possibility that she already cheated on me before the break up.. maybe just emotionally. The shocking thing is, that this was against her character. She was always loyal, caring, honest... This is still unbelievable for me.
    Its like there are two version of her in my head: the one I love so much, who loved me too, with whom I shared so many happy moments... and the other who left me for someone cold-blooded. I try to man up, be angry at her instead, move on, but the I just think about the kind version of her, and I lose all my strength, and start to cry.

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