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I am not sure what i've done is the right thing, i dont want to post too much details here as anyone can read this forum, possibly my ex too, but i want to hear what everyone else thinks...

 

My ex decided to leave our one year relationship last Oct, it wasn't because of cheating or one of us being too needy or being immature, we both are over 30, nevertheless ex decided to end it, i was devastated so I did everything that i shouldn't be doing by trying to convince my ex to stay, of course that didn't work.

 

Then I read about this NC thing, I decided to give it a try and after about 7 weeks, I got a text from my ex. We started chatting on and off for the next few weeks, we talked about what has been happening in our lives, nothing about getting back together as I followed the advice by not being too over-enthusiastic, not talking about the past, and just being cool and let my ex initiate the talking most of the time. The conversations were going well so one day I asked my ex out for a drink to catch up, clearly with a time and place. Never got a reply back to my request for the meet up, although we were still talking for the next 5 days... I just don't understand why if my ex doesn't want to meet up, why couldn't my ex give me a simple no for an answer ... I was somewhat annoyed by this, not because ex doesn't want to meet.

 

So I decided not to try to ask about the meet up again, instead, i sent my ex a message asking what is the motive to come back to talk to me. Ex said it's an emotional thing and it's too early to make a decision about returning together again. I don't know what to say back so I said not to contact me unless it's about reconcile, and plus some other things like i need to move on and don't string me along and give me false hope. I've been in NC again, that was 3 weeks ago. I haven't seen a msg from ex since then, but i know ex is checking on my IM status every now and then.

 

Did i do the right thing? I still have very strong feelings for my ex and i made myself very clear that I want to try this again. i've also said i need to move on and I can't wait on the bench and be someone's backup plan. there is currently someone else who wants to have relationship with me but i am struggling to commit to this person right now because i know it's going to be a rebound for me and it wouldn't last, sigh...

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i made myself very clear that I want to try this again.
and yet he didn't take you up on your offer.

 

Yes, you did the right thing now do yourself a favor and stop checking his social media or what he's doing on yours (block him when you are ready) and get on with your life without the hope of him coming back. You will never heal from this if you don't stop with the hoping.

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Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about? You need to update all your accounts to exclude your ex. That means reset your social media and messaging apps. Delete and block the ex from all your shared sites. Don't try this hard to stay on the radar.

 

It would be best not to sideline yourself in the friendzone like this. At this point it's text buddies. It won't help you in moving forward. Don't use anyone to get over your ex. Stop reading those get-your-ex-back sites and trying to use their horrible advice.

My ex decided to leave our one year relationship last Oct, it wasn't because of cheating or one of us being too needy or being immature, we both are over 30, nevertheless ex decided to end it, i was devastated so I did everything that i shouldn't be doing by trying to convince my ex to stay, of course that didn't work.

 

I asked my ex out for a drink to catch up, clearly with a time and place. Never got a reply back to my request for the meet up, although we were still talking for the next 5 days.. i know ex is checking on my IM status every now and then.

 

there is currently someone else who wants to have relationship with me but i am struggling to commit to this person right now because i know it's going to be a rebound for me and it wouldn't last, sigh...

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haha i don't know why everyone assume it's a guy. my ex is a woman.

i don't use social media, only IM. i don't want to block her, not sure if that is necessary...

 

Honestly, it seems as if you are navigating this in such a way you hope she returns.

NC is not a tool to `get your ex' back. If used properly it helps you heal.

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Sorry to hear this. What was the breakup about? You need to update all your accounts to exclude your ex. That means reset your social media and messaging apps. Delete and block the ex from all your shared sites. Don't try this hard to stay on the radar.

 

It would be best not to sideline yourself in the friendzone like this. At this point it's text buddies. It won't help you in moving forward. Don't use anyone to get over your ex. Stop reading those get-your-ex-back sites and trying to use their horrible advice.

 

my ex and I both were in another relationship while we were seeing each other. She ended her some months ago before I did, I was not ready to end mine at the same time due to many factors, not that I don't want to be with her, i just couldn't drop it that easily due to family reasons. It sounds like excuses I know but at that time i felt it was the best thing to. Anyhow I finally managed to end mine but that happened few weeks after she left.

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So let me get this straight. The story here is that the entirety of your year-long relationship was also the story of each of you cheating on your partners. She eventually ended her relationship, you did not, she grew tired of living life in the shade, ended things. This gave you the "strength" to "finally" end your other relationship. Meanwhile, you're already entertaining another relationship here, while still hoping your ex/affair partner comes back around?

 

If any of that even grazes the bullseye, I think now would be a really good time to step away from romance and step into yourself a bit. Give yourself a month, or six, to just be: to exist as a person, in your own skin, rather than a person using the skin of others as a mirror in which to see a version of yourself you like looking at. Not a fun prescription, I know, as we all like companionship, but I suspect it'll steer you toward healthier dynamics in the future.

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So this is simple to me - you two were hanging out and hooking up while you were committed elsewhere. She decided she no longer wanted that kind of arrangement and still doesn't. People end these sorts of arrangements all the time -it's not a breakup because there never was a serious relationship. She did nothing wrong by chatting with you and not responding to your offer to meet -because she's entitled to have whatever boundaries she likes in interacting with you - you had whatever boundaries pleased you when you interacted with her -you wanted her to settle for hanging out and hooking up while you were committed elsewhere.

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She got sick of being the other woman. Can't say I blame her, although she was also guilty of lying and cheating.

 

This illicit relationship never stood a chance. Yes, there are many instances where two people had an affair and ended up together after breaking off their primary relationships. But it seems she got tired of waiting for you.

 

She doesn't seem interested in giving you brownie points for finally leaving your spouse/girlfriend.

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So this is simple to me - you two were hanging out and hooking up while you were committed elsewhere. She decided she no longer wanted that kind of arrangement and still doesn't. People end these sorts of arrangements all the time -it's not a breakup because there never was a serious relationship. She did nothing wrong by chatting with you and not responding to your offer to meet -because she's entitled to have whatever boundaries she likes in interacting with you - you had whatever boundaries pleased you when you interacted with her -you wanted her to settle for hanging out and hooking up while you were committed elsewhere.

 

 

It's not as simple as you may think. the entire experience with my ex was real and it was a serious one. myself was in a very difficult/abusive relationship that i wanted to get out of for a long time and she was in a relationship that she wasn't happy to be in for quite some time too. Anyways, i'm not here asking to be judged for what's morally right and wrong. I'm asking what i should be doing to get her back, that's the purpose of this forum right?

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She got sick of being the other woman. Can't say I blame her, although she was also guilty of lying and cheating.

 

This illicit relationship never stood a chance. Yes, there are many instances where two people had an affair and ended up together after breaking off their primary relationships. But it seems she got tired of waiting for you.

 

She doesn't seem interested in giving you brownie points for finally leaving your spouse/girlfriend.

 

 

I am inclined to agree with you here. I knew she wont wait forever, but it was merely a few months that i needed to sort out my other relationship, i guess i really over-estimated a woman's patience.

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i made myself very clear that I want to try this again.
... again I say... and she didn't take you up on it. You shouldn't be doing anything to get her back. If she wanted to be with you, then she would be. The affair you embarked on with her likely kept her sane until she got the gurlballs to leave a situation she wasn't happy in. Subconsciously, you were a boost to her self worth and confidence. Once she had that confidence and boost to her self-worth, she left her partner and then realized that she wasn't ready to be in another relationship with you so she had the good sense to exit herself from both situations.

 

I suggest you accept that it's over with your affair partner and ONLY concentrate on the new person you talk about in your opening post when you are free in heart and mind of said affair partner because it would be really chitty of you to use someone to get over someone else. it seems neither you or your affair partner know how to end one thing before you embark on yet another. Heal and then date when you are indifferent to your last partner and you'll have less emotional turmoil in your lives.

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I am inclined to agree with you here. I knew she wont wait forever, but it was merely a few months that i needed to sort out my other relationship, i guess i really over-estimated a woman's patience.

 

You overestimated how long this woman would be willing to wait for you to decide you wanted a real relationship with her instead of being a secret.

 

I wouldn't expect her to come back since her trust in you has most likely been severely damaged if not broken entirely.

 

And no, this forum's purpose isn't to tell people how to get someone back (which no one could do, anyway). It's where people who hope to get back together post. Sometimes the result isn't what they hoped, but there's usually good reasons for that.

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It's not as simple as you may think. the entire experience with my ex was real and it was a serious one. myself was in a very difficult/abusive relationship that i wanted to get out of for a long time and she was in a relationship that she wasn't happy to be in for quite some time too. Anyways, i'm not here asking to be judged for what's morally right and wrong. I'm asking what i should be doing to get her back, that's the purpose of this forum right?

 

I'm not talking about morality at all or about sexual orientation -I assumed it was same sex or most likely. Not morality. You were not in an exclusive relationship with this person. You each were cheating on other people -and if you were being abused your choice was to leave and your choice was not to get involved with someone else while still committed to someone else. So the facts are you and this person were simply hanging out and hooking up -

 

So I can't advise you on how to get someone back who you never had in the first place. How do you get back an arrangement where you hang out and hook up - you ask the person to hang out again. If she wants to she will. It's not like in an exclusive relationship where you're looking to get back to a committed relationship. You're not -you never had one in the first place. Just the facts m'am - nothing to do with morality.

 

You asked her to hang out -she said no. Here's what I would do. If you want to start a committed relationship with this person explain to her (1) why you want that; (2) why you cheated in the recent past; and (3) how you can assure her you won't cheat on her even if you're unhappy. And understand that unless she tells you the same her past behavior is the best indication of future behavior meaning she probably will cheat on you -again a fact, not judging the morality.

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I am inclined to agree with you here. I knew she wont wait forever, but it was merely a few months that i needed to sort out my other relationship, i guess i really over-estimated a woman's patience.

 

Or did you overestimate your expectations of what another person should settle for in order to be with you?

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This sounds like a really complex situation.... And the best advice I can give is to walk away completely from this ex person.

 

Work on yourself. Do not jump into another relationship. No need to hurt an innocent 3rd (or 4th?) party

 

You have to get your head on straight and determine for yourself, where you go from here....

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we all make mistakes and sometimes feelings get the better of us, to be honest you both were not in a good space to be in a new relationship.

You both should have backed off i know it wont make sense but that was the best you could have done at that time.

Lingering thoughts of current relationship and new budding relationship all together can really mess up the hearts.

Live a life for yourself for a while, take a break from all this, i know its easier said than done but that's the only non messy way to get things straight in life.

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Are you completely free and clear of the family situation? Are you divorced/living alone? You know why she ended it. There is no use trying to get her back. You are just rebounding from your other wife/gf leaving so now you want her again.

I'm asking what i should be doing to get her back, that's the purpose of this forum right?
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  • 4 months later...

I have some update to my story.

 

Almost 6 months have past since last we texted. I have not reach out to her after that. Since then she has logged off from the chat program that we were using. I know that she only use this chat program exclusively just for us. Through out the past few months I noticed that she has logged in every 1 or two weeks, but never remain online or send me any text.

 

Recently she changed her chat handle and profile picture that have some meaning like ending & starting new, and expressing lost of our relationship, I am pretty sure it's a song she wants to express. Sometimes I have seen her online longer and then disappear again, but still no message from her, neither from me. I know she wants to convey something to me, what should I do now? is she playing mind game with me? this is triggering my emotions quite a bit...I'm thinking if i should break NC and just find out what she wants, but I also don't want to get hurt again...

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honestly, I would delete the app and not read into anything.

 

That is such minimal effort to get your attention. After all this time and considering you are broken up, I would only respond to her if and when I am reached out to directly, and intentionally. And even then, I would be completely reserved and provide nothing in ways of an ego boost.

 

Anything less is beneath what you deserve and is not worth your time. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated like that. so easily

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