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I'm 90% toward breaking off bad relationship, but can't bridge last 10%


bossanova67

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I've been in a pretty bad relationship for most of the 18 months we've dated. My girlfriend puts me down; she has a drinking problem; doesn't give me the quality time and emotional intimacy that I need; I do all the work; there are sexual problems, and she demeans my sexuality; she rejects a long term future between us. We started seeing a relationship counselor about 2 months ago, but my GF has treated even worse since then. She then decided to take a 2 week "break"; I guess technically the break is done, but the only contact we've had is by email where I help her on some legal and business issues. Thankfully, those legal and business issues are almost done; although candidly, it was an outlet for me to help her, which is what I wanted to do and did do throughout our relationship.

 

I know I should break off this relationship, because it's making me miserable. It hurts my physical well-being, my psyche and my soul. My separate therapist has been nudging me toward this for a long time. The relationship counselor, in private discussions with me, came to the same conclusion. I did a relationship inventory, and all the objective signs point toward ending it.

 

But I just can't do it. I've come close for many months, but can't make the actual break, although in some ways it's just formalizing the actual situation between us. I keep unrealistically hoping for some miracle that would make the relationship good, and the finality of an official end is too painful. I'm almost there, 90%+, but can't bridge that extra little distance.

 

This is so painful. I discovered ENA over 12 years ago in the midst of a previous breakup, and I'm so sad I'm back here again. My heart is broken.

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Sorry to hear this. Agree this is too fraught with problems to continue. "Breaks" are breakups so use this to detach and get out of it. Stop emailing her or helping her She can contact a bank, attorney or whatever professional for all that. Since she wanted to breakup, let the breakup stand.

 

Your personal therapist is the one you need to hear. Is there baggage from the past? Most people do not even think of couples therapy after 18 mos. of dating they are too busy in the rosy glow having fun. Who suggested that? The sooner you pull the plug, the sooner you'll start to rebuild and be happy again.

 

Do some pro bono work, volunteer, join some clubs and groups.

She then decided to take a 2 week "break"; I guess technically the break is done, but the only contact we've had is by email where I help her on some legal and business issues. My separate therapist has been nudging me toward this for a long time.

 

I discovered ENA over 12 years ago in the midst of a previous breakup, and I'm so sad I'm back here again. My heart is broken.

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Sorry to hear this but you know what you must do.

 

It's no good fighting the inevitable or surpressing yourself and your needs until there's nothing left of you and find yourself in a really really bad place.

 

This is not a healthy relationship as you know.

 

Ask yourself or your therapist what has drawn you to an abusive person and why do you tolerate it?

 

You sound like you are on some kind of crusade to save her. Sadly her addiction means she can't be saved. She can only save herself.

 

Time to end this farce and move on with your life.

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although candidly, it was an outlet for me to help her, which is what I wanted to do and did do throughout our relationship.

 

Sorry about all this.

 

The above stood out to me as something you might want to reflect on as you try to bridge that last 10 percent. Why is helping someone so important to you? What reward does it offer, or what reward are you seeking in helping someone who, per your words, makes you miserable and doesn’t live her life in a way you respect? Do you see it as a transaction, where you can “help” her become a woman who does not trigger misery? Can you imagine yourself happy with someone who didn’t need your help—who could handle the basic business of living on her own, freeing up space to, I don’t know, just have a nice time living alongside you and vise versa? Do you believe you are deserving of that?

 

Curious to hear your answer to some of that. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve chosen to invest more in an idea—that hope for a good relationship—than the actual person. If the majority of the past 18 months have been bad, after all, what is there, aside from your own imagination, to produce evidence that this could become good?

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Is there baggage from the past? Most people do not even think of couples therapy after 18 mos. of dating they are too busy in the rosy glow having fun. Who suggested that?

 

I suggested it. I'm kind of embarrassed to say, but it started as sex therapy. I had trouble performing with her, which was due in part to her being drunk every time we got together and then tried to be intimate, but also her sex-shaming me for my performance and um.. equipment. The therapy was designed for us to get over the sex hurdle, and I found someone that my gf could relate to. It turned right away into relationship counseling due to the counselor identifying the emotional and relationship problems. It was really a last ditch effort to salvage things. My Gf was enthusiastic to go and really likes the therapist, but as I said, she's treated me worse since we've gone, so the counseling had the opposite effect that what I was hoping for.

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Instead of saying you "can't", acknowledge that you are choosing to stay. And toss aside that old, tired "but it's not that EASY!!!!" Nothing worthwhile is easy or it wouldn't be worthwhile.

 

Is this the woman who insults your physical body, as in private areas? Or do I have you confused with someone else?

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Ask yourself or your therapist what has drawn you to an abusive person and why do you tolerate it?

 

You sound like you are on some kind of crusade to save her. Sadly her addiction means she can't be saved. She can only save herself.

 

 

I didn't know she was an abusive person until I already fell in love with her. But yes, I put up with her abuse for a long time. Not the first time I've done it, so I do have internal issues about accepting this. I was prepared to accept her alcoholism, but I really can't, since that's when she gets mean and becomes really abusive.

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What is it that makes you so afraid to leave the toxic situation you find yourself in? Can you articulate that us so that we can give you advice on how to overcome whatever it is that keeps you on the hellish roller coaster you are on and unable to disembark from?

 

Gulp - I guess the fear that I won't meet another woman as physically attractive and young as her. I'm embarrassed to acknowledge that. The loneliness; being back on the dating scene; going over and over the (relatively few) good memories. I'm also scared about the finality of the end, I guess. I've romanticized this relationship for a very long time.

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Why is helping someone so important to you? What reward does it offer, or what reward are you seeking in helping someone who, per your words, makes you miserable and doesn’t live her life in a way you respect? Do you see it as a transaction, where you can “help” her become a woman who does not trigger misery? Can you imagine yourself happy with someone who didn’t need your help—who could handle the basic business of living on her own, freeing up space to, I don’t know, just have a nice time living alongside you and vise versa? Do you believe you are deserving of that?

 

Curious to hear your answer to some of that. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve chosen to invest more in an idea—that hope for a good relationship—than the actual person. If the majority of the past 18 months have been bad, after all, what is there, aside from your own imagination, to produce evidence that this could become good?

 

I was helping her with her legal issues because she got herself in a bad spot. I guess I also thought that if I helped her, she would love me. Wrong. Thankfully this legal matter is almost over. And yes, my own imagination, rather than actual evidence, is largely why I thought things could get better. Although she would always be willing to talk about the issues, and to go to the therapy, but with no change in behavior.

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Can I ask how old you are? How old she is?

 

My gut read on this is that you are in exactly the kind of relationship you want to be in: one that doesn't quite function, but where there is the idea that if you try this, try that, bend here, and swallow down there, you can will it into functionality and, in the interim, get the reward of being punished for some sin or another.

 

Suggesting therapy so quickly, under circumstances that read as base-level incompatibility? To my eyes here in the bleacher seats that's someone who wants a relationship to feel like a psychological experiment or endurance test, rather than something a bit simpler, smoother, where the complexities are stirred by the connection rather than the impediments to connection. If you had a few awesome years behind you before things hit the skids—well, yeah, therapy. But when all you've got are skids? Kind of feel like what you're both trying to fix is something doctors refer to as a preexisting condition: something inside of you that was there before this union.

 

As you're describing it, she's the critical monster, but in your descriptions? I don't detect much love or respect on your end, being honest. Yes, you're writing from the trenches, shot through with wounds, I get it. But still: that stuff tends to shine through, when it's there. Makes me wonder if, on some subconscious level, she is aware that you basically want to see if you can render her into a different person—one more compatible with you—and so she rejects that, with some sharp elbows.

 

Anyhow, lots of words to say that toxic is toxic is toxic. Right now you are actively choosing toxic. When you genuinely want to choose something else, you'll take the steps that, right now, feel so difficult.

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Gulp - I guess the fear that I won't meet another woman as physically attractive and young as her. I'm embarrassed to acknowledge that. The loneliness; being back on the dating scene; going over and over the (relatively few) good memories. I'm also scared about the finality of the end, I guess. I've romanticized this relationship for a very long time.

 

How shallow. So you would rather be with an abusive drunk?! I don't understand this at all.

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I am wondering what you get out of being treated like garbage? Stop seeing yourself as a victim. as YOU are choosing to be treated like this.

 

Have you been treated for co dependency.

 

Those words hurt but I guess they're true. I've had my own therapy for about the last year, and we largely talk about this relationship, but it's taken me this long to get to where I am - and really only because of worse treatment by my GF.

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Can I ask how old you are? How old she is?

 

My gut read on this is that you are in exactly the kind of relationship you want to be in: one that doesn't quite function, but where there is the idea that if you try this, try that, bend here, and swallow down there, you can will it into functionality and, in the interim, get the reward of being punished for some sin or another.

 

Suggesting therapy so quickly, under circumstances that read as base-level incompatibility? To my eyes here in the bleacher seats that's someone who wants a relationship to feel like a psychological experiment or endurance test, rather than something a bit simpler, smoother, where the complexities are stirred by the connection rather than the impediments to connection. If you had a few awesome years behind you before things hit the skids—well, yeah, therapy. But when all you've got are skids? Kind of feel like what you're both trying to fix is something doctors refer to as a preexisting condition: something inside of you that was there before this union.

 

As you're describing it, she's the critical monster, but in your descriptions? I don't detect much love or respect on your end, being honest. Yes, you're writing from the trenches, shot through with wounds, I get it. But still: that stuff tends to shine through, when it's there. Makes me wonder if, on some subconscious level, she is aware that you basically want to see if you can render her into a different person—one more compatible with you—and so she rejects that, with some sharp elbows.

 

Anyhow, lots of words to say that toxic is toxic is toxic. Right now you are actively choosing toxic. When you genuinely want to choose something else, you'll take the steps that, right now, feel so difficult.

 

I'm 52, she's 34. I understand all of your other points.

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I'm 52, she's 34.

 

Quite a gap, right there. Not saying it can't work, but your words about fearing not being able to find someone "as young" caught my eye. Why is youth such a premium to you? What do you think you're trying to get, for yourself, by "getting" or "keeping" or "fixing" someone 18 years your junior? The most cringe-worthy of cliched of answers—hot sex, adoring fawn—don't apply to this union, so what is it?

 

Are you trying to age backward through romance? Correct mistakes you made in your own 30s by correcting those of another human? Are you frightened of being with an actual equal?

 

I don't ask those in judgment—I have a history of dating younger myself, one I've explored plenty—but to try to help you locate whatever magnet inside of you is pulling you toward this thing. Once you see that, odds are the magnet will lose a lot of its power and mystery.

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Take the focus off of her and her behavior.

Ask yourself some critical questions.

Why don't you believe you deserve better?

What is it about you that attracts someone like her?

 

What is that 10% that keeps you attached, because honestly there isn't really anything to hang on to here.

 

Letting go is often scary. In this case it becomes one of those `rip the band aid off' moments.

 

It will hurt. . but after the dust has settles, you get your balance and you no longer stand in the middle of a toxic situation by choice. You take some time and heal, unravel some things about yourself so you don't repeat the same mistake.

 

You look forward to one day having a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Right now. . the clock is ticking and by the looks of things this isn't going to right itself.

 

There are no short cuts.

If you are looking for a push, consider yourself pushed.

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Those words hurt but I guess they're true. I've had my own therapy for about the last year, and we largely talk about this relationship, but it's taken me this long to get to where I am - and really only because of worse treatment by my GF.

 

Perhaps, if there was more of a focus on you, you would understand why you would choose and allow this. Have you discussed childhood issues?

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I don't really understand myself, either, but I'm trying to get there.
This says it a lot. You don't understand, love or know yourself.

 

I really feel for what you are saying, regarding not wanting to be alone, heart broken, here on this site again.... its a tough pill... but you've got to be more realistic. See things how they are and make better choices that support the life you want. We build our life one choice at a time. When someone shows you nothing but selfishness and cruelty, its on you to leave.

 

You've attached your self-worth to the someone you deem better than you deserve. Meanwhile she is a raging alcoholic that has completely emasculated you and for what?

 

Shallow is right. You've traded all you are for, I'm guessing accolades and admiration from society that you have a "hot younger" woman

 

She has you right where she wants you at her beck and call, fixing her more serious business and legal problems.

 

The only other explanation I can think of is she likes putting you down and you enjoy it on some level...

 

Only you can end it, but honestly, she may have already... a break is a break up. its just the softer approach. You claim you want a break and then its bread crumbs.... if the other person complains, you blame them and say its over for real or that's why you wanted a break in the first place. its total manipulation of someone you know you have the upper hand on.

 

The only thing, in my opinion you can do, is save yourself and get over this woman while you are still generally young... you will never be this young ever again. The sooner you start over for yourself, the sooner you can meet someone better...

 

If one young, attractive woman found you attractive, another one will, too. You just need some self-love. And hopefully, the next one will be better.

 

Because while she sounds like garbage, you accept garbage, so you gotta own some of it and work your way back to you.

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