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ex asked me for a coffee


Iknowaline

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hello all

 

Me and my ex (me 34 and him 31) ended things a couple of months ago due to very busy lifes (traveling alot for work) after 1,5 years together - wasn't always traveling- just the last 6 months- things were very good before all the travels

 

here is my original post here

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562283&p=7173318#post7173318

 

I had to leave the city for a couple of months -We behaved like couple until the day i left- had such an amazing last weekend together...didnt speak much while i was away....We had agreed to take the time to focus on ourselves.. Now I am back (only for one month before leaving again for 6 weeks- full time traveling will stop for me the end of 2020) and i messaged him to meet to get the rest of my things this weekend.. He suggested we go for a coffee or something as well.. I want to..but I am still in love with him..and i think he still loves me in some way..I know we both missed eachother because we said so in a phonecall we had after Christmas... I feel like I don't know how to be his friend.. This coffee scares me.. I don't want to get emotional or talk about the past - and I can't imagine myself not wanting to kiss him or hold his hand and see him again after..like it was before..

 

 

Should i go have a coffee with him or just get my things and leave.. I just feel like a coffee will be painful and hard.. yet at the same time I want to see him very badly longer than the 5 minutes it will take to collect my things

 

If i went to this coffee i wouldn't talk about us- i would try not to and try to make it happy- but again it would be hard for me to leave just after a coffee and not want to take a walk etc... i would for sure be sad after i think- and be sad if i didn't go... i don't know what to do

 

 

Coffee or no?

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Sorry to hear this. You have to get your things then you have to travel again. It sounds like if you want fwb or casual this may be ok for that until you need to leave again. Unfortunately it sounds like it will be sad/nostalgic whether you have coffee or not. Breakups especially with residual business to clear up and mixed lingering feelings are difficult.

Me and my ex (me 34 and him 31) ended things a couple of months ago due to very busy lifes

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562283&p=7173318#post7173318

 

This coffee scares me.. I don't want to get emotional or talk about the past - and I can't imagine myself not wanting to kiss him or hold his hand and see him again after..like it was before..

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I would do the coffee in a year from now at minimum and only if you are completely over him. Not now. I made this mistake one time and was able to catch myself before I got too invested again -which was a good thing because I ran into him 6 months later and he'd already met his future wife. And I was ok about it.

(for some context I married my ex-fiancee -we got back together almost 8 years later -I wanted to get back together about a month later - good thing he said no, we wouldn't be married now most likely had we tried again so soon).

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well the original plan was to go this year and see how we feel once i am back permanently .. and to speak/see eachother occasionally.. now that the occasionally is here its much harder than i thought it would be ...and i guess i thought we would speak more than what we have been.. it feels weird as i left as a couple basically but am now back for one more month..and we are not a couple.. i am nervous

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I would do the coffee in a year from now at minimum and only if you are completely over him. Not now. I made this mistake one time and was able to catch myself before I got too invested again -which was a good thing because I ran into him 6 months later and he'd already met his future wife. And I was ok about it.

(for some context I married my ex-fiancee -we got back together almost 8 years later -I wanted to get back together about a month later - good thing he said no, we wouldn't be married now most likely had we tried again so soon).

 

 

 

 

what do you mean " was able to catch myself before getting too invested again"?

 

wow 8 years later...why did you split up in the first place?

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I would do the coffee in a year from now at minimum and only if you are completely over him. Not now. I made this mistake one time and was able to catch myself before I got too invested again -which was a good thing because I ran into him 6 months later and he'd already met his future wife. And I was ok about it.

(for some context I married my ex-fiancee -we got back together almost 8 years later -I wanted to get back together about a month later - good thing he said no, we wouldn't be married now most likely had we tried again so soon).

 

It wasn't much of a relationship if you guys left each other. So why do you care?

 

 

 

we left because we both don't do distance well... Traveling for long periods of time for the next 10 months or so

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Military couples have regular separations all the time due to deployment. I know, because I was once a Navy wife. If a man I'd been with for a year and a half couldn't handle one more year of me traveling for work, and set me free to date others, I'd have to realize he's just not that into me.

 

It comes down to his need for immediate gratification. I'm reading his action as being that he is now free to be with other women, and he doesn't have to keep up regular communication with a woman he can't be intimate with at the moment.

 

IMO, you are settling if you keep ties to someone who clearly doesn't value you. So all of these plans came solely from his end and you just go along because you're in love and too close to the situation to see it clearly.

 

I've never gotten back with an ex. When exes ask to get together, it's often for a booty, call. He knows you're into him, and he can have sex, without ties, because the woman has hope, and tries to read into his renewed interest, wondering if he will ask her to get back together.

 

I'd collect my belongings and leave immediately. I'd cut all contact with a guy who doesn't truly care about me. You can't be friends with exes, as your future bf won't accept that.

 

Even if you don't know it yourself, you're worth waiting for, even if he doesn't think so. The right man will never leave you--not even once. Hold out for him. Take care.

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what do you mean " was able to catch myself before getting too invested again"?

 

wow 8 years later...why did you split up in the first place?

 

Meaning I saw him twice, and realized I was still too attracted to him and too interested to be able to hang out casually or stay in touch.

With respect to my husband we broke up mostly because I wasn't in love with him the way I should be to get married at that time. Almost 8 years later we both changed in significant ways and fell in love and wanted to be married to each other and give it another chance. We were long distance at that point for quite awhile and we made it work.

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I think its very simple. If you don't want to see him. Don't see him. If you think its going to be too stressful, painful, cause your blood pressure to go up, heart start to race, then don't go. No rule saying you have to and you don't owe him a reason why you don't want to go. Just say No thank you.

Now about your stuff.. If there was only a way for your X to put all your stuff in a box then some how add an address like your parents house and if there was some way your X could drop off this box at a place where people would deliver this box to the address listed...Only if someone would invent such a system to do this, you wouldn't actually have to see him. Or you can have a friend go pick up your stuff and hold it for you.

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Me and my ex (me 34 and him 31) ended things a couple of months ago due to very busy lifes (traveling alot for work) after 1,5 years

...I would try not to make it happy"

 

Hi! I just read your last post.

Before you decide what to do, try to be aware of he situation as it is first and then, how you feel about it. After that it will be easier for you to make a decision.

First you say "me and my ex ended" but in reality, HE ended the relationship due to the traveling. HE also chose not to have the "responsibility of a relationship" and opened the door to date others while you guys were separated. YOU agree on those term just because there was no other choices.

 

You have to ask your self how you feel about that because when you say you will try "not to make it a too happy moment", again you're doing what's the best for the situation (just friends), and for him but not for you. You have been heartbroken and would love to go back with him so why act light? In fear of losing the little you have left from the relationship? fear of scaring him away?

 

I would suggest you to own your truth: You love him and want to be back with him someday. Do not play the cool girl. Do not have sex if you want more. You'll be devastated after. Stop following what he wants. be honest with him about your wants. Do not accept to be in a grey area. You can't be friends. That's not what you want and you don't want to be FWB either. He's the one who wants less right now so he's not vulnerable. Still not a reason to let him lead. Take the drivers seat. assert your self. protect your self.

 

If you want a chance for this relationship to rekindle in the future, step away from any grey area. Strength is sexy. Pick up your stuff and tell him to contact you later, only if he wants a serious relationship. One that doesn't get thrown away when things get tough.

 

What ever you decide, good luck!

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