Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 30

Thread: I should have listened to guys. Our relationship has not gotten better

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    21
    Gender
    Female

    I should have listened to guys. Our relationship has not gotten better

    Hey everyone

    Last time I posted on here I got some great, even haunting, advice. To this day I still read the replies posted in that thread and tear up cause in my heart of hearts, I know a majority of itís true.

    Nevertheless, I moved in with my boyfriend and things only continued to get worse. First, we started to argue about chores/household duties. I have a different standard of clean than he does and it caused a lot of contention. Second, I started graduate school in the fall which, suffice to say, has been the hardest thing Iíve ever done in my life. Naturally, school, my clients and job had to take precedence over our relationship. He felt slighted and as if I didnít care about him. I explained that wasnít the case but that right now in my life, I needed to focus on finishing up my degree so I can finally begin the career Iíve been dreaming of having for 6 years.

    Finally, everything came to a head January 1st. We had another huge argument about marriage. He said he doesnít see wife qualities in me. Iíve come to the conclusion that Iím simply not the one for him.
    Since then, weíve been pretending everything is fine. But the cracks are starting to widen. Iím a lot less patient with him than I used to be. Iím snippy and snap at him. He is stressed with work and has been withdrawn. We donít say I love you and we havenít been intimate in three weeks.

    I should have listened to you guys. I canít say Iím more miserable than I was that first post, but I certainly feel more defeated. Iím worried about a breakup now just because I dont want to falter in my graduate program. I also donít need the extra stress of trying to find a new place to live (you all were right). I think what hurts the most is Iíve lost someone I thought I could trust with all of my thoughts and feelings. I havenít felt this lonely in a long time.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,670
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. Move out and focus on your school, work and what is important to you. Don't waste time being this jerks live-in servant. Trying to accomplish anything with a guy like this on your back is a lot more stressful than moving back to where you were or on campus or in a house share or back home or with friends family.

    It's never too late to cut your losses: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by felurian
    I moved in with my boyfriend and things only continued to get worse. First, we started to argue about chores/household duties. I have a different standard of clean than he does and it caused a lot of contention.
    We had another huge argument about marriage. He said he doesnít see wife qualities in me. I also donít need the extra stress of trying to find a new place to live (you all were right).

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Florida Panhandle
    Posts
    909
    Gender
    Female
    Listen, all is not lost. Don't beat yourself up over past mistakes. You've already come to the correct conclusion that you're not the one for him. I can't imagine staying with someone who told me I didn't have 'wife' qualities.

    I understand that you're wanting to focus on your studies and that you think leaving now will throw everything into chaos, but think of this. Just living with someone you love and forcing yourself into a roommate situation is, in my opinion, equally distracting and counter productive to your future.

    Have some friends help you to find a new place and try to leave the situation on an amicable term. The sooner you get out of this situation, the sooner you can start your new life.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,276
    Gender
    Female
    I agree, move out asap and yes it will likely be hard at first but with the load of him off, your life should be calmer and more pleasant and you can then focus on school. Living with this guy any longer will not solve anything, other than to make you feel worse.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,251
    Hi there

    I agree- no need to beat yourself up. live and learn! There's still hope and a way out of this. Lean on your friends and loved ones.... find a new place. talk to your bf about the amicably splitting. You accept he does not see you as his future wife and as this is the case, you do not want to cause either of you any more pain. And will be moving...

    The pain of leaving is like ripping the band aid off. Ouch! but then heals faster. Staying is just letting it fester and get worse.

    Yes its a lot with work, school, moving... but it can be done! You have a lot going on and no reasin to hold yourself back with this guy.....

    I always say, you want something done? give it to a busy person.... they will get it done and move on!

    Good luck! You can and you will! Take control of the situation.... and change it! for the better!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    10,469
    Gender
    Female
    You don't think that a break up would actually bring you peace, relief, and more freedom to focus on what you want to accomplish with less stress than what you are living with now? I would think that all the stress and arguments are more difficult and distracting than having your own space to do as you wish. Living with all this tension isn't exactly a picnic. Besides, the break up at this point sounds like a completely mutual thing. Neither one of you is happy or sees a future, so why stick around any longer and keep each other miserable?

    You can live alone and not feel lonely, you can be in the wrong relationship and feel incredibly alone and lonely.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    21
    Gender
    Female
    Thanks everyone. I cant stop crying and I have a feeling its going to be like this for a while. I know he doesnt want to break up, but Im tired of trying so hard to only fail in his eyes. He has already expressed disappointment that I want to have a chat tonight regarding our relationship. He is mad that I would bring that up this morning knowing how stressed he is.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    37,670
    Gender
    Male
    An ogre like this is not worth your time. Stop talking at him. Stop twisting yourself to please him. Talk to a campus counselor about self esteem and get to the housing department and make new arrangements. He always was and still is anti-you anti-marriage etc. Now he has easy sex and free housekeeping. Stop having relationship talks, he's not interested. Just make your arrangements and get out.
    Originally Posted by felurian
    Im tired of trying so hard to only fail in his eyes. He has already expressed disappointment that I want to have a chat tonight regarding our relationship. He is mad that I would bring that up this morning knowing how stressed he is.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,243
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry about all this.

    Take a few deep breaths really quickósounds like you could use them. Per the title of your post: you listened to the person you needed to listen to at the momentóyou. We're just here, after all, to help you do that, clearly and honestly, not to win awards for having our advice taken the second we dole it out.

    Sometimes we need to take a few steps in the "wrong" direction to find the "right" oneóthose quotes being in there because, all in all, this is life, living, and learning, not a court of judgement. As for those lessons? I think you've got a great one on a silver platter before you, ready to be feasted on. In short: doubling, tripling, and quadrupling down on something that is not working does not make it work. Moving in, in this case? It's like flooring the gas on a car you know has a messed-up engine: if it's rough at 30 mph it's going to smoke and stutter at 80, you know?

    You sound like an awesome woman who is, right now, at an awesome moment in your life: graduate school leading to shooting down some big dreams. That is real stuff, right there. Stuff to lean into, hard, and celebrate with gusto. If the person you're living your life alongside is an impediment to that and can't celebrate itówell, give that some thought. Why keep choosing that? Even if he wanted to be married, would you want to marry someone who hinders your truth to this degree?

    I understand how, right now, breaking up sounds like the thing that will break this fragile engine. But I suspect you'd find the opposite to be true: that after the initial blow, you'll feel so much better, faster than you know. Need a place to live? Craigslist makes that easy: short term sublets, roommate situations, etc. When you're ready, if you decide to go this route, you'd have the logistics ready after a few hours of clicking and emailing.

    You're 24, yeah? Quite young. Who do you want to be at 26, at 30? Think about those questions for a bit, and then ask yourself if staying in this relationship is a choice that will nudge you closer to becoming the person you want to be, or further. At the end of the day your most valuable relationship is with yourself, and who you are, and become, is a reflection of the choices you make.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    22,468
    Has he changed his position on marriage?

    It sounds miserable, and so I would strongly recommend moving out and ending things.

    I hope you follow our advice, this time.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-29-2020 at 11:51 AM.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •