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Thread: I should have listened to guys. Our relationship has not gotten better

  1. #21
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    I didn't read your original post, but, I lived with a verbally abusive ogre for years, and just living with him distracted me from all other areas of my life. I hated going home because it was that bad. Your home should be a sanctuary, a nice peaceful oasis you can go to and relax. You should not have to deal with this. Do you have family or a good friend you can move in with? Hopefully somewhere you can stay permanently or at least for a few months until your graduate semester is over, and then once the semester is over, you can find a new place?
    And hopefully he will not contact you once you tell him it's over.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Skip the snipping--it won't get you anywhere but into arguments that don't matter.

    Keep our focus school and work, and just be nice. If that means appeasing him on some things, then do it. If it means robbing yourself of school or study time, offer him something of value to him in exchange for the time you must carve out to succeed.

    Household chores are a waste to squabble over. If you lived alone, you'd need to do 100% of them anyway, so focus on living as though you're on your own and operate like a civil and pleasant roommate while you keep your home the way you would have to with no roommate.

    Pursue family and friends who might be able to take you in for some peace until you finish school. If you land on a taker, pack your stuff and tell BF that you are leaving until you finish school, and you can both decide later whether you want to try together, or not.

    If you can't find a peaceful place to live, then create the best peace you can where you are. Skip the relationship focus for now. Don't fight with him over stupid stuff, and don't be difficult about stuff that doesn't have to matter now.

    Head high.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Household chores are a waste to squabble over. If you lived alone, you'd need to do 100% of them anyway, so focus on living as though you're on your own
    If she were on her own, there wouldn't be the mess she has to deal with when he does nothing but contribute to the untidiness and she'd only have to clean up her own mess, not someone else's as well so it's a good mind set to try and achieve, in reality, it is easier said than done.

    Pursue family and friends who might be able to take you in for some peace until you finish school. If you land on a taker, pack your stuff and tell BF that you are leaving until you finish school, and you can both decide later whether you want to try together, or not.
    I think that's a great idea. :)

  4. #24
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    If she were on her own, there wouldn't be the mess she has to deal with when he does nothing but contribute to the untidiness and she'd only have to clean up her own mess, not someone else's as well so it's a good mind set to try and achieve, in reality, it is easier said than done.
    When we're on our own but choose to bunk with a roommate, household stuff isn't charged with romantic expectations and disappointments. We hold a different level of respect for another's autonomy, which takes the 'need' to groom them as a suitable partner out of the equation.

    We depersonalize behaviors and minimize resentment instead of amplifying it--if we're smart. This paves the way for rational negotiation and fair trade, even while it keeps the onus on US to make the best possible home for ourselves 'around' the other in a way that trying to play a couple does not.

    Boxing another's stuff out of your way, doing your own laundry--not theirs, fixing your own meals--not theirs, or bargaining to trade off those kinds of chores is a practical matter rather than an emotional one.

    De-escalate.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    When we're on our own but choose to bunk with a roommate, household stuff isn't charged with romantic expectations and disappointments. We hold a different level of respect for another's autonomy, which takes the 'need' to groom them as a suitable partner out of the equation.

    We depersonalize behaviors and minimize resentment instead of amplifying it--if we're smart. This paves the way for rational negotiation and fair trade, even while it keeps the onus on US to make the best possible home for ourselves 'around' the other in a way that trying to play a couple does not

    Boxing another's stuff out of your way, doing your own laundry--not theirs, fixing your own meals--not theirs, or bargaining to trade off those kinds of chores is a practical matter rather than an emotional one.
    I agree now that you've expanded on what I was quoting... What I was quoting is still though, is always easier said than done. :) (but of course worth the effort).

  7. #26
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    Boxing another's stuff out of your way, doing your own laundry--not theirs, fixing your own meals--not theirs, or bargaining to trade off those kinds of chores is a practical matter rather than an emotional one.

    De-escalate.
    As it stands, I already complete a majority of the chores. Even still, SO was not satisfied, said he felt resentment towards me, and didnt see the effort I was putting him as enough to sway his opinion on marrying me.

    At this point. The writing is on the wall. He just isnt that into me.

    Any time I tried to bring up the fact that I did more around the house (even though it didnt seem like I did because I kept on TOP on all of my duties), I was met with dismisal of how I felt (unappreciated) and told that things still needed to change before he could definitively say he wanted to marry me. (Probably worth mentioning he then also would complain that I take advantage of him financially - seeing as he pays for all the bills (rent split based on our income) and grocerries and that because he pays for all of the food, its only fair I cook and it not count towards chore time)

    This has led me to believe that the goal post will always be moved and that in the end, no matter what he says, I cant change his idea on marrying me. I even offered what you have suggested as a response to his resentment towards me "taking advantage financially." I offered to buy my grocceries and just cook for myself, do my laundry and clean the guest bathroom which I use as my own. Even still, he was taken aback by the suggestion. (How could you suggest doing things just for yourself? So youre not going to cook for ME anymore???)

    There really isnt any winning in this situation. Fortunately, while he says he still wants to be with me, I see he is also tiring of the bickering as well. I see him ruminating over the idea of a breakup. He is probably just as scared as I am to be single again, but I think we both know this is neither healthy nor contributing to any sort of long standing happiness.
    Last edited by felurian; 02-08-2020 at 02:18 AM.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    There really isnt any winning in this situation.
    Depends on what your definition of "winning" is. Look, at this point, from what you've offered, this guy sounds like a bozo who is more or less immune to treating you with respect. Probably because he's older he thinks he's wiser, or some such, but the truth is that he wants this relationship to exist only inside a framework that validates his immaturity, but in a way that allows him to feel wise and holy. Snooze.

    You, meanwhile, have outgrown him, and this, a few times over. Admitting that, leaning into that, ending this so you can embrace your true, mature self? Sounds like a solid win to me.

    So, sure, you can continue to choose to chip away at each other, letting something already pretty messy and unsatisfying get so awful that one of you has no choice but to cut the cord. But that, to me, is where you get into the real losses, the kind that sting, because it's on that road where the absolute worst in people comes out, time and again, and it can take a good long while afterward to be able to look at yourself in the mirror again. Want to know what it's like to hate someone you care about? To consider cheating, or get cheated on? That's the stuff that happens on that path, and it ain't pretty.

    If you're genuinely interested in being married one day, it seems to me this man has done you a great favor: he has shown you, in so many ways, that he is not husband material. Great. Thank him for that, in your head, and start doing what you need to do to make room for finding a good man to share your life with.

  9. #28
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    If you're genuinely interested in being married one day, it seems to me this man has done you a great favor: he has shown you, in so many ways, that he is not husband material. Great. Thank him for that, in your head, and start doing what you need to do to make room for finding a good man to share your life with.
    Thank you!! I know I probably sound like a broken record at this point But everyday I feel myself getting stronger and less unsure. Suffice to say, childhood trauma makes being in a relationship mad difficult. Younger 20 year old Felurian thought she had sufficiently navigated those waters. However, I think its time I revist the past and come to a better understanding of what it means to actually be in a loving and accepting relationship.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    But everyday I feel myself getting stronger and less unsure.
    Good stuff that. Still, every day you are with him is another day to heal from, weight to remove, more dust to shake off, thorns of resentment (at him, at yourself) to pluck out. It's a process, I know. But I'm just being honest about how the process tends to work, at least from my experiences.

    I wouldn't put too much weight on childhood trauma, and I say that as someone who has a novel's worth of that in the rearview mirror. You're 24, right? Not a whole lot of people, even from the sunniest of homes, spend their lives with the person they spent a few years of their 20s with. You're in good company right now, in short.

    In time, with a few hard steps, you'll see this whole thing has an experience that sharpened your compass, pointed you closer to what you want and further away from what doesn't serve. No shame in that, no failure, no loss. Only gains, only growth. Yes, it often comes with some heartache and hard times attached, but that's not the costliest of prices to pay for getting to a better place, a true you, and a better compliment to that thing that is you.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What's "scary" about being single? What catastrophe do you think will befall you if you're boyfriend-less?

    You already proved you're capable of taking care of a household. You're employed. Nothing terrifying will happen to you.

    Being single means you are free from someone who finds fault with your efforts. It means being available to someone who will cherish and value what you bring to the table.

    Sounds far from "scary" to me.

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