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Thread: I should have listened to guys. Our relationship has not gotten better

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Has he changed his position on marriage?

    It sounds miserable, and so I would strongly recommend moving out and ending things.

    I hope you follow our advice, this time.
    He hasnít. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now itís that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isnít even about those things to begin with.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately this sounds like dog obedience school, not a relationship. Move out now.
    Originally Posted by felurian
    Now itís that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.)

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My brother in law did this to his girlfriend for five years. Kept moving the goalposts. She finally figured out he was NOT going to marry her and left him. Hers is a success story because a couple of years later she met a nice man and is now married with children, exactly what she wished for. But she had to accept she wasn't going to get her wish with my BIL.

    He also did this with his previous girlfriend. She too is now married with children. He is currently in his late 40s and living with his mother. I give him credit for at least finally realizing what he was doing. He's no longer deceiving nice women into thinking they'll get the marriage and family they dreamed of with him.

    I have to say I bet your BF will decide you're too busy with your career after you graduate to "present with wife qualities" according to his terms. Unfortunately he just doesn't want to marry you.

    I can't imagine being away from him would be MORE stressful than your current living situation with him. I had issues with living with a boyfriend and was having severe anxiety attacks and insomnia. Magically, all of that went away when I moved out.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    He hasnít. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now itís that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isnít even about those things to begin with.
    Does he do the 'wifey duties?' What is his contribution around the home.

    He has not intention of marrying you. You are wasting your time with this guy.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    He hasnít. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now itís that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isnít even about those things to begin with.
    This is NOT about you. If you do those things, he will simply move the goal posts again and again and again. It's really a form of psychological abuse and manipulation.

    Please stop the madness and leave him already. I wouldn't wish this guy on my worst enemy. That's how bad he actually is.

    Let go of the fantasy that you are projecting to him of the life you actually want and face the reality of the jerk who will never ever give you that life. If you want your goals, your dreams to actually come true, stop wasting your life and time on this guy.

    Would you sign up for a course if the professor intentionally flunked all students because you are hoping that maybe this semester, you'll be the one and only that he'll pass? Noooope. Crazy right? The professor would get fired from his job because nobody would be signing up for failure. So why do you do sign up for this garbage in a relationship? This guy is telling you to your face that no matter what you do, how great you are, he is going to make a point of always rejecting you. The correct response is NOT try harder but rather fire this guy from the job of bf.

    On that note, quit sobbing. You aren't losing anything good here or worth crying about.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    He hasnít. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now itís that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isnít even about those things to begin with.
    Does he do the 'wifey duties?' What is his contribution around the home? Why the hell would you make HIS lunch?

    He has no intention of marrying you. You are wasting your time with this guy.

    Girl, what are you doing with this clown? I can't figure out what the loss would be. Expect better.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    He hasnít. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now itís that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isnít even about those things to begin with.
    But does he present "husband qualities" to you?

    Guess I'm just saying that I don't get the impression that marriage is really the issue here, more the idea that "marriage" has become a stand-in for "compatibility," with you holding onto an idea that if he "came around" on marriage then you two would be content, compatible. Meanwhile, he's holding onto some equally misguided idea that if you can become a bit more x and a little less y, then he will want to marry you.

    You are both moving the goal posts, in other words, because neither of you like the game as it is being played, the teammate you're playing alongside. It's as if your actual relationship only works because of what you each believe it theoretically could be. But all we ever get is...what we get. Ideally, and in a harmonious relationship, the actual is better than the theoretical.

    Imagine being in a relationship where the potential of what it could be...didn't matter. The potential that it might last forever and ever, or the potential that it would all end in a fiery explosion: both are moot points, exercises in imagination, indulgences in romantic thinking and/or insecure thinking, because the day to day experience of being with someone is just...well, it feels like the right way to be spending your days. That's not asking for the moon, but what I'd call the point of entry for a relationship worth time and emotional energy.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This reminds me of the cult classic film The Stepford Wives: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by felurian
    I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.)

  10. #19
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    He hasnít. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now itís that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isnít even about those things to begin with.
    LMAO... tell him good luck finding a female slave in this day and age as you walk out the door with your bags packed and your life goals firmly cemented in your mind. Can you imagine if you have a baby with this man-boy how run off your feet you will be when he expects you to baby him?

    Gosh, just start looking at places to live that you can afford and free yourself of this albatros holding you back from your goals and happiness. He's not husband material so tell him to look in the lifemate mirror and face his own baggage before he tries to get you to carry his around.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by felurian
    He hasnít. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now itís that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isnít even about those things to begin with.
    Aww, gf. This is heart breaking. What is he bringing to the table? He doesn't want a wife. He wants a servant. Reading your posts, about your life-- school & work, it seems, you are not looking to have an old fashioned and homemaker (possibly subservient) role to his breadwinner (dominant) role.

    Not that there is anything wrong with those traditional roles, if you want that. I think as society is changing and marriage roles evolve to both people working full time, it can't be on the woman to be all things. Both people need to contribute to the household budget, chores, children care. If you work full time, why on earth do you have to pack his lunch?

    I had a conversation with a man in my office. At the time, we both in management roles. His was married and I was single. His wife packed his lunch and he was bragging to me about how great marriage is.... For example, look at this lunch bag.....His magic lunch bag. Every morning the bag is there waiting for him. He eats the lunch. Doesn't rinse any of the containers. Just puts them back in the magic lunch bag, carries it home, puts back on the counter and poof! tomorrow morning, a fresh lunch is there.

    He was pleased as punch to tell me this. And all I could say was-- so basically you got married and now your lunch is made. If I get married, I have to make two lunches?????

    Mic drop. lol.....

    My point is-- Run girlfriend. Not all men want a servant. There are actually modern men, that want love and companionship, are willing to do laundry, dishes, chores etc because before they got married, they did these things for themselves..... If your goal is to get married, you should not live with someone without being engaged. You are doing, what my mom would call, playing house together. He's dangling something in front of you, making you jump through hoops.... this is not a healthy or happy situation.


    And frankly, the things he says to are just gut wrenching. And nothing someone who respects you would ever say.

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